Possibly the most outrageous request I've ever heard! Update pg. 9, 15, 20, 29

[sammycat]

Dave and Louise sound like disgusting people, who are made for each other.

I'm firmly in the camp that says Susan should tell people why she was uninvited.  I don't see a single reason for sheltering Dave and Louise from any fall out as a result of their actions (or inaction, in Dave's case).

[PastryGoddess]

Louise thinks that Susan is less because she is missing parts of her body.  That sort of condescension will spill into their relationship from now on. If Susan caves now, it will give Louise an undeserved victory that will dictate their future relationship.

People like Louise get away with this behavior because the people they terrorize are too afraid to say anything or don't want to make waves.  Susan should absolutely tell people why she is not attending.  Susan was UN-invited from her brothers wedding because she refused to wear her prosthetic arm to appease the sensibilities of her FSIL.  This is not opinion, or conjecture, or telling tales.  It is fact.

Dave is lower than a snake's belly, and the whole "not wanting to get in the middle schtick" is BS.  He is in the middle and will continue to be in the middle for the rest of his marriage to Louise.  And if Louise gets her way with the wedding, you can be sure that it will start to trickle down to the rest of their interactions.

[cicero]

i am just planting my POD here along with every one else.

I am sorry that your friend is going through this. The sad thing is that no matter *what* she does or says, this has and will cause a family rift - not that it's her fault! but she was put into a very awkward situation by her future SIL.

[RingTailedLemur]

Something that really winds me up is people blatantly choosing a side, but saying they haven't.

Louise's behaviour is appalling, Dave's is just as bad.

Poor Susan.  I'd tell the truth about why I wasn't going either...  Or I would promise to wear the prosthesis and then accidentally-on-purpose forget to bring it.

[Bethalize]

Furthermore, if Susan refused, then Louise would like her to not only resign from the bridal party but not attend the wedding!

I do not believe that we should lie or cover up for people who behave badly. Susan should be open about both what Louise and Dave have said. To remain polite Susan can refrain from discussing her feelings or commenting upon the behaviour, but the actual facts should be out there for everyone to see.

Susan should start by telling her parents. Then give it a couple of days to see if there is any development. If the parents have no power to influence Dave then this is the way things are going to be and everyone needs to get used to the fact that Louise finds Susan revolting because of what she looks like. This needs to be out in the open because it can't be taken back and it will colour family interactions forever.

I am used to people being uncomfortable with those who look different, but to actually come out and say you're so disgusting I don't want to look at you? Unacceptable!

[kherbert05]

Someone needs to pose the following question to Dave:

Suppose Susan were born with a condition that affects her face instead of her arm.  Would you be all right with Louise demanding that she wear a mask to cover her face?  Because that's the equivalent of what she's asking... she saying that Susan can't be herself, that she has to wear something to mask her appearance.  Why is that all right?

EvilTraska wants to add "Then Susan needs to hold the prosthetic left arm in her right hand and use it to slap Louise good."

Actually what he really should think about is - What if his child is born with the same birth defect - how many different ways will that woman abused the child.

[Oh Joy]

It sounds like the exchange between Susan and Louise was by e-mail.  I'm glad Susan has it in writing so she knows she didn't somehow misinterpret or make up Louise's request.  I think it would be appropriate for Susan to tell close family members 'I would have loved to be there, but I'm only invited with my prosthetic and I don't wear it anymore.'

As far as Dave is concerned, I'm not ready to condemn him yet.  Rather, I feel sympathy for him.  He's asked a woman he loves to spend the rest of his life with him, and as the plans swirl around him he's seeing poor treatment of his sister by his bride.  I expect he doesn't know what to do in the long- or short-term...of course he doesn't want to be in the middle.  I hope he makes the right decision, but - as many of us have experienced in our own lives and read in each others' posts - it's not unusual to start with a nonconfrontational position in uncomfortable circumstances.

Edited because I can't spell before my morning tea.

[Piratelvr1121]

Considering that Susan's parents have raised her to believe she is not disabled and treated her as normally as anyone else, I can not see this going down well if she tells them.  Which is exactly why I think she needs to tell her parents.   It may not turn out to be terribly pretty but imo, Louise should not be sheltered from the consequences of being such a...a... well feel free to mentally fill in the blank with your own non-ehell approved word.

[AngelBarchild]

When did it become etiquette accepted to tell everyone when someone did something mean to you and try to get them to hat the person as well? Trying to get everyone to cancel, essentially ruining the bride and groom's wedding is not proper etiquette, it's revenge plane and simple. Hurt feelings should be addressed to the bride and groom, these people are adults, they don't need to go running to their parents.
As for the husband to be, he is being asked to pick sides between his soon to be wife and his sister. He can not win, no matter who's side he picks. As my husband would put it, there is a bullet in every chamber.

The sister should not attend the wedding, and if asked why she was not there respond with "The bride and I had a falling out, it's a private family matter" and end it there.

What happened to dignity and grace?

[Cami]

As for the husband to be, he is being asked to pick sides between his soon to be wife and his sister. He can not win, no matter who's side he picks. As my husband would put it, there is a bullet in every chamber.

The way he's really going to lose is by tying himself to a person like Louise. That's his choice and therefore he's the one who has loaded the gun.

[still in va]

When did it become etiquette accepted to tell everyone when someone did something mean to you and try to get them to hat the person as well? Trying to get everyone to cancel, essentially ruining the bride and groom's wedding is not proper etiquette, it's revenge plane and simple. Hurt feelings should be addressed to the bride and groom, these people are adults, they don't need to go running to their parents.
As for the husband to be, he is being asked to pick sides between his soon to be wife and his sister. He can not win, no matter who's side he picks. As my husband would put it, there is a bullet in every chamber.

The sister should not attend the wedding, and if asked why she was not there respond with "The bride and I had a falling out, it's a private family matter" and end it there.

What happened to dignity and grace?

i might not be broadcasting it to all and sundry, but i would certainly be telling my parents.  if my DIL had made such an outrageous request of my daughter before her wedding, i would definitely have wanted to know.

surely you're not advocating that Susan tell absolutely no one?  i can certainly agree with your statement to a certain extent, but if it is a private family matter, i do believe that the family should be informed.  how much of the family would be up to the parents, i think.  as in, aunts/uncles, grandparents, etc.

[steelstress]

What happened to dignity and grace?

 ::)Oh my gosh.... the bride chose to forgo it.

this is one of those times where etiquette takes a back seat.  You don't let someone get away with this kind of treatment.  This needs to come back and bite the bride in the behind.

[bloo]

As for the husband to be, he is being asked to pick sides between his soon to be wife and his sister. He can not win, no matter who's side he picks. As my husband would put it, there is a bullet in every chamber.

The way he's really going to lose is by tying himself to a person like Louise. That's his choice and therefore he's the one who has loaded the gun.

Correct, Cami.

Angel, I disagree that the groom 'cannot win'. I believe he can. He now has information on his fiance's character (no doubt he's seen evidence before this) that a loving, thinking man would use in determining to continue the engagement and get married. He cannot complain in ten years on what a witch his wife is to his family should he decide to marry her.

If he decides to delay the engagement or end it (this is 'end-worthy') then he wins. He keeps the respect of his family and his fiance has time to reform or he can be free to find a woman of better character.

[Piratelvr1121]

What happened to dignity and grace?

 ::)Oh my gosh.... the bride chose to forgo it.

this is one of those times where etiquette takes a back seat.  You don't let someone get away with this kind of treatment.  This needs to come back and bite the bride in the behind.

POD to infinity.  In refusing to treat Susan with dignity and grace, Louise essentially took the gloves off.

[Sharnita]

If this were a one time issue I would agree.  But it they have a baby to christen in a few years she won't have an arm that her SIL finds picture perfect. Same for other family events. If she continues to seem like she is the one choosing to absent herself then the family will think she has rejected the new wife. I think the nature of the situation demands an explanation to others who will be there for the long haul.  There is no need to petition one way or the other for action on their part but it is not automatically rude if their understanding of the situation causes them to take action either.

For example, if I were another bridesmaid who found out what was being asked and what was going on I would opt out.  I could not promise that I would not break a leg/arm/etc or injure myself in some visible way that the bride found unacceptable and the knowledge that the bride wouldn't want me there if I looked unacceptable would be a deal breaker for me.