Possibly the most outrageous request I've ever heard! Update pg. 9, 15, 20, 29

[exitzero]

This goes deeper than etiquette. This is Susan's very BEING that she is objecting too.

In my eyes, this is not the sign of rude person, this is the sign of cruel person who should be shunned by polite society.

I would have no trouble telling people what the bride did.

If I was an invited guest, I would give my regrets. I do not associate with cruel people.

[AngelBarchild]

When did it become etiquette accepted to tell everyone when someone did something mean to you and try to get them to hat the person as well? Trying to get everyone to cancel, essentially ruining the bride and groom's wedding is not proper etiquette, it's revenge plane and simple. Hurt feelings should be addressed to the bride and groom, these people are adults, they don't need to go running to their parents.
As for the husband to be, he is being asked to pick sides between his soon to be wife and his sister. He can not win, no matter who's side he picks. As my husband would put it, there is a bullet in every chamber.

The sister should not attend the wedding, and if asked why she was not there respond with "The bride and I had a falling out, it's a private family matter" and end it there.

What happened to dignity and grace?

i might not be broadcasting it to all and sundry, but i would certainly be telling my parents.  if my DIL had made such an outrageous request of my daughter before her wedding, i would definitely have wanted to know.

surely you're not advocating that Susan tell absolutely no one?  i can certainly agree with your statement to a certain extent, but if it is a private family matter, i do believe that the family should be informed.  how much of the family would be up to the parents, i think.  as in, aunts/uncles, grandparents, etc.

I don not understand why the parents or grand parents need to be involved in a matter between grown women. If the sister wanted to confide in a parent or a grand parent about how best for her to handle the situation that's one thing, but the suggestions to inform everyone the bride is a horrible person, and try to make them hate her as well. I believe mass emails were suggested.

If my sister in law was horrible to me, I would bring it up with her, or maybe my brother. I can not see how it helps anything to inform my parents and grandparents that I am having personal problems with my sister in law. They don't need to know, it's not there business. Should the bride go to her parents and grand parent and tell them how (in her view) the sister is being horrible to her? Private matters should be dealt with between the parties involved.

When someone does something mean to you, the proper way to deal with it is to deal with them, not try to destroy them in the eyes of the rest of the world. That's retaliation, nothing more.

[rose red]

^ Do you think the parents and grandparents won't ask why she wasn't at the wedding?  Should she make up some pretty lie?  Even saying "it's personal between us" will not cut it for parents.  No, she shouldn't whine the bride is horrible, but she should tell the honest truth.

eta: telling the plain truth is not retaliation.

[still in va]

When did it become etiquette accepted to tell everyone when someone did something mean to you and try to get them to hat the person as well? Trying to get everyone to cancel, essentially ruining the bride and groom's wedding is not proper etiquette, it's revenge plane and simple. Hurt feelings should be addressed to the bride and groom, these people are adults, they don't need to go running to their parents.
As for the husband to be, he is being asked to pick sides between his soon to be wife and his sister. He can not win, no matter who's side he picks. As my husband would put it, there is a bullet in every chamber.

The sister should not attend the wedding, and if asked why she was not there respond with "The bride and I had a falling out, it's a private family matter" and end it there.

What happened to dignity and grace?

i might not be broadcasting it to all and sundry, but i would certainly be telling my parents.  if my DIL had made such an outrageous request of my daughter before her wedding, i would definitely have wanted to know.

surely you're not advocating that Susan tell absolutely no one?  i can certainly agree with your statement to a certain extent, but if it is a private family matter, i do believe that the family should be informed.  how much of the family would be up to the parents, i think.  as in, aunts/uncles, grandparents, etc.

I don not understand why the parents or grand parents need to be involved in a matter between grown women. If the sister wanted to confide in a parent or a grand parent about how best for her to handle the situation that's one thing, but the suggestions to inform everyone the bride is a horrible person, and try to make them hate her as well. I believe mass emails were suggested.

If my sister in law was horrible to me, I would bring it up with her, or maybe my brother. I can not see how it helps anything to inform my parents and grandparents that I am having personal problems with my sister in law. They don't need to know, it's not there business. Should the bride go to her parents and grand parent and tell them how (in her view) the sister is being horrible to her? Private matters should be dealt with between the parties involved.

When someone does something mean to you, the proper way to deal with it is to deal with them, not try to destroy them in the eyes of the rest of the world. That's retaliation, nothing more.

i can't control what other posters suggest here.  i already stated that i would not be telling everyone invited in an attempt to get them to boycott the wedding.  but yes, i would be telling my own family.  and as the mother of married children, i would have expected to have been informed of such a thing.

there is absolutely no reason for Susan to be seen as the bad guy in her family (as so eloquently posted previously), for not attending her brother's wedding.  i'd not put it past Louise to reply, mournfully, when asked where her new SIL was during the festivities, "i don't know, she just refused to attend her own brother's wedding.  i don't think she likes me."  now Louise is the poor little victim, Susan the evil witch trying to hurt her brother, and that goes forward for the rest of their lives.  nope, sorry, not in this case.

[Otterpop]

Louise is cruel.  Being silent about this is to give her a pass to make up any lie she wants.  No doubt,  Susan will be made out to be the villain for not attending her brother's wedding.

When discrimination, exclusion and family division are at stake, silence is the wrong way to go.

[Girlie]

Yes, I vote that this breaks etiquette AND proves a serious lack of character, heart, and kindness.

OP's friend should tell everyone why she has been uninvited. If not, then I foresee this developing into a lifelong pattern that will leave those nearest and dearest to her confused and possibly hurt about why she no longer attends birthday dinners, holiday celebrations, and other family functions. Susan has done nothing wrong, and should not feel guilty for nicely saying, "Louise says she feels uncomfortable around my arm and doesn't like seeing me without it. So she doesn't want me to be a bridesmaid and has rescinded my invitation to the wedding."

What Louise needs is a good shunning from polite society. Her cruel behavior should not be rewarded.

[Diane AKA Traska]

Bigotry should never be rewarded by silent complicity.

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

When did it become etiquette accepted to tell everyone when someone did something mean to you and try to get them to hat the person as well? Trying to get everyone to cancel, essentially ruining the bride and groom's wedding is not proper etiquette, it's revenge plane and simple. Hurt feelings should be addressed to the bride and groom, these people are adults, they don't need to go running to their parents.
As for the husband to be, he is being asked to pick sides between his soon to be wife and his sister. He can not win, no matter who's side he picks. As my husband would put it, there is a bullet in every chamber.

The sister should not attend the wedding, and if asked why she was not there respond with "The bride and I had a falling out, it's a private family matter" and end it there.

What happened to dignity and grace?

i might not be broadcasting it to all and sundry, but i would certainly be telling my parents.  if my DIL had made such an outrageous request of my daughter before her wedding, i would definitely have wanted to know.

surely you're not advocating that Susan tell absolutely no one?  i can certainly agree with your statement to a certain extent, but if it is a private family matter, i do believe that the family should be informed.  how much of the family would be up to the parents, i think.  as in, aunts/uncles, grandparents, etc.

I don not understand why the parents or grand parents need to be involved in a matter between grown women. If the sister wanted to confide in a parent or a grand parent about how best for her to handle the situation that's one thing, but the suggestions to inform everyone the bride is a horrible person, and try to make them hate her as well. I believe mass emails were suggested.

If my sister in law was horrible to me, I would bring it up with her, or maybe my brother. I can not see how it helps anything to inform my parents and grandparents that I am having personal problems with my sister in law. They don't need to know, it's not there business. Should the bride go to her parents and grand parent and tell them how (in her view) the sister is being horrible to her? Private matters should be dealt with between the parties involved.

When someone does something mean to you, the proper way to deal with it is to deal with them, not try to destroy them in the eyes of the rest of the world. That's retaliation, nothing more.

If you're a bully and horrifyingly mean, you don't get to count on the person you bully being quiet and not making a fuss.

[ShanghaiJill]

He's marrying the wrong person.

[SleepyKitty]

Louise is cruel.  The be silent about this is to give her a pass to make up any lie she wants.  No doubt,  Susan will be made out to be the villain for not attending her brother's wedding.

When discrimination, exclusion and family division are at stake, silence is the wrong way to go.

Exactly. Beautifully put. Rudeness is one thing, and it should not be gossiped about and spread about in an attempt to make others hate the rude person. We have all been rude, either intentionally or unintentionally, and we strive to move beyond it. Part of that means handling rudeness with grace and dignity, as said above.

This is not rudeness. This is blatant discrimination against  someone who was born handicapped (even though it is clear Susan is fully capable!). I do not stay quiet about the Big issues - racism, sexism, and discrimination against others. To stay quiet about such things is to implicitly support them. They have no part of our society today, and as members of that society we have a responsibility to help eradicate them. This does not mean I think Susan should be calling up everyone on the guest list and saying "That B@&$(!!!" But, if I was invited to this wedding, I would refuse to attend as a guest because of this issue. I will not silently support this type of discrimination.

To apply this sort of body shaming behaviour to anyone, but especially those who are physically handicapped, is disgusting.

[Tabby Uprising]

When did it become etiquette accepted to tell everyone when someone did something mean to you and try to get them to hat the person as well? Trying to get everyone to cancel, essentially ruining the bride and groom's wedding is not proper etiquette, it's revenge plane and simple. Hurt feelings should be addressed to the bride and groom, these people are adults, they don't need to go running to their parents.
As for the husband to be, he is being asked to pick sides between his soon to be wife and his sister. He can not win, no matter who's side he picks. As my husband would put it, there is a bullet in every chamber.

The sister should not attend the wedding, and if asked why she was not there respond with "The bride and I had a falling out, it's a private family matter" and end it there.

What happened to dignity and grace?

i might not be broadcasting it to all and sundry, but i would certainly be telling my parents.  if my DIL had made such an outrageous request of my daughter before her wedding, i would definitely have wanted to know.

surely you're not advocating that Susan tell absolutely no one?  i can certainly agree with your statement to a certain extent, but if it is a private family matter, i do believe that the family should be informed.  how much of the family would be up to the parents, i think.  as in, aunts/uncles, grandparents, etc.

I don not understand why the parents or grand parents need to be involved in a matter between grown women. If the sister wanted to confide in a parent or a grand parent about how best for her to handle the situation that's one thing, but the suggestions to inform everyone the bride is a horrible person, and try to make them hate her as well. I believe mass emails were suggested.

If my sister in law was horrible to me, I would bring it up with her, or maybe my brother. I can not see how it helps anything to inform my parents and grandparents that I am having personal problems with my sister in law. They don't need to know, it's not there business. Should the bride go to her parents and grand parent and tell them how (in her view) the sister is being horrible to her? Private matters should be dealt with between the parties involved.

When someone does something mean to you, the proper way to deal with it is to deal with them, not try to destroy them in the eyes of the rest of the world. That's retaliation, nothing more.

If you're a bully and horrifyingly mean, you don't get to count on the person you bully being quiet and not making a fuss.

Exactly this.  And I agree with the previous posters as well that this is a form of bigotry, is cruel and goes beyond normal meanness.  It's no different than telling someone "Hey, I think your skin color is yucky. Fix that or stay out of my wedding"  I can not imagine how this can be construed as merely an "issue" between grown women and the parents should be left out of the conversation.  It's a family issue.  A huge one.  Even pushing that all aside, it's unrealistic to think Susan could be absent from her brothers wedding and her parents would accept a vague answer as an excuse. 

[rose red]

If you're a bully and horrifyingly mean, you don't get to count on the person you bully being quiet and not making a fuss.

Bully is a good word.  Bullies from the playground on up get away with it because victims don't want to make waves because that's not "polite." 

Many groups have rights now because they refuse to keep silent.

[SPuck]

When did it become etiquette accepted to tell everyone when someone did something mean to you and try to get them to hat the person as well? Trying to get everyone to cancel, essentially ruining the bride and groom's wedding is not proper etiquette, it's revenge plane and simple. Hurt feelings should be addressed to the bride and groom, these people are adults, they don't need to go running to their parents.
As for the husband to be, he is being asked to pick sides between his soon to be wife and his sister. He can not win, no matter who's side he picks. As my husband would put it, there is a bullet in every chamber.

The sister should not attend the wedding, and if asked why she was not there respond with "The bride and I had a falling out, it's a private family matter" and end it there.

What happened to dignity and grace?

There is dignity and grace, but it already went out the window when the bride was that cruel to her future sister in law. People are allowed to have there opinions. People can be as racist and sexist as they want. What they cannot do is expect to escape the negative reactions and consequences when the decide to make their opinions public the words or deeds.

The shallow bride did both in this situation. She could have easily kept the FSIL out of the wedding. Since both families are local I wouldn't be surprised if most of the wedding guests were aware aware of the groom's sister situation. She would not have been any major distractions.

Instead now the bride gets to reap the social situation she has sown.

Bigotry should never be rewarded by silent complicity.

POD!

[Redsoil]

Bigotry should never be rewarded by silent complicity.

I'm with Traska and other who had similar sentiments on this one. 

It's not "etiquette" to maintain silence on an issue of blatant discrimmination and cruelty.  There's no need to go to the papers with it, but close family members need to know that the bride has expressed such sentiments and has not only rescinded her request for the person concerned to be part of the bridal party, but has banned her from coming to the wedding if she doesn't "cover up" because her arm offends the bride.

[camlan]

I don't see how Susan can not attend her brother's wedding without explaining to her parents exactly why she isn't going. We had another thread recently where a brother was contemplating not attending his brother's wedding and a lot of the advice centered on what message not attending a sibling's major life event would send to the rest of the family, and to the groom.

And once Susan has told one or two people, it's going to be very, very difficult to keep this a secret. A sister not attending her brother's wedding? People are going to ask questions. A sister suddenly not a member of the wedding party? People are going to ask questions. And even worse, if no explanation is given, people are going to gossip and speculate and come up with their own ideas about what happened.

And it is an issue that needs to be dealt with. It's not just about the wedding, as PPs have mentioned. It's about every single family gathering from now on.

Susan is a person. She is not decoration. Her looks don't matter. Treating her like a human being matters.

I cannot imagine the pain that the bride's demands have caused. To go from the joy of being in your brother's wedding party and celebrating with him, to discovering that your FSIL cannot stand the sight of you--that's soul crushing.

As for whether or not someone would do something like this, yes, they can and they do. My nephew uses a power wheelchair because he has a spinal cord injury and cannot walk. He's been like this since birth. When his cousin got married, she wanted Nephew to be the ring bearer, because she knew that he would take the responsibility seriously and she wouldn't have to worry about the rings. She also wanted his younger brother and sister to be "flower people."

The mother of the groom was very, very upset about the 9 year old kid in a wheelchair. It would look so strange to have a wheelchair come down the aisle. People would talk. What would the pictures look like? She was not happy to learn he would be in the pictures even if he was not part of the wedding party. Did he even have to be invited to the wedding? Couldn't he stay home with his home nurse?

Fortunately, the bride and groom were in agreement on the matter. They listened to the MOG. Then they told her she was welcome to attend the wedding or not, as she choose, but Nephew was the ring bearer.

The MOG spent the reception "apologizing" to the guests for her new DIL's choice of attendants (she never came right out and said "the crippled kid" the way she did before the wedding). Most of the guests were just confused by what she said.

Nephew spent the reception dancing with every single girl there and some of the married ones, and charming quite a few guests out of their serving of wedding cake.