Cure for those that issue commands disguised as a question

[Winterlight]

I think having a mother who trained dogs made this easier. She had no problem with commands. Although the time she hustled me across the street ordering "Heel!"  is a cherished memory. Especially because she realized what she'd said halfway across and broke up laughing. *g*

[Dr. F.]

Former Horrible Boss (FHB) had an interesting take on this. She wouldn't ever tell me to do something, she'd just say, "You know, I always prefer to do X when I do Y." Meaning, I'd better do X whether I do Y or not. It took me some time to decipher this one. At first, I kept saying (or wanting to say), "Oh, how NICE for you! I prefer to do Z," thinking that we were merely comparing experiences or preferences. Um, no. I was being TOLD what to do, even though probably 75% of the time, the task was not one she actually had control over. But if I did Z instead of X? All Ehell would break loose. <sigh>

[girlysprite]

MY DH brought that tactic to a new headbreaking height. He would do something like this:

DH: Would you like some pudding?
Me: Yeah!
DH: Can you also get some for me while you get it from the fridge?

I trained him out of it very quickly by telling him how annoying it was, and then get some pudding, only for myself.

[greencat]

I wonder if I've never had anyone do this to me or if I did and just missed it completely and just told them that I didn't want to/no.

[Sophia]

You would have known it had happened to you.  For one thing the question would have been followed up with a Command, and an upset one at that. 

I think that is partly why I am enjoying my daughter saying No to my mother.  Mom can't get upset at her.  She is following the rules, and she is 26 months old so she can't be expected to understand social nuances.  And she is so darn cute.  So, mom getting upset at anyone but herself is impossible. 

Dad and I have been saying No.  It curbed Mom but didn't cure her.  She'd follow it up with a command AND be pissy with us. 

[Last_Dance]

When I was in middle school, our history teacher asked one of my classmates if he wanted to come to the blackboard. My classmate shyly tried to refuse - it didn't work.
It was kind of funny, probably because it was a one-time occurrence

[HonorH]

I've decided there's probably no cure for my mom, but then, it doesn't really bother me. I just hang a lampshade on it.

Mom: Would you like to get dinner started?
Me: That wasn't really a question, was it?
Mom: No.

Always gives Dad a chuckle.

[lilfox]

That is great!  That reminds me of when I hear parents correcting their kids and they will say something like "Susie you need to stay by mama while we are in the store.  Okay?"  I am waiting for the first kid to say "No, that is not okay with me."  lol

I do this a lot - adding "okay?" to the end - when talking to my DD (almost 3), but by now she has started to learn that I mean "do you hear and understand?" not "if it's okay with you?"      I suppose I should change it to "got it?" but that seems so blunt.

[MyFamily]

That is great!  That reminds me of when I hear parents correcting their kids and they will say something like "Susie you need to stay by mama while we are in the store.  Okay?"  I am waiting for the first kid to say "No, that is not okay with me."  lol

I do this a lot - adding "okay?" to the end - when talking to my DD (almost 3), but by now she has started to learn that I mean "do you hear and understand?" not "if it's okay with you?"      I suppose I should change it to "got it?" but that seems so blunt.

This is exactly why I say 'okay' at the end of some of my directives to my kids - they know that I'm really saying 'okay, did you hear that' and they need to acknowledge that both verbally and by doing what I told them to do.  It may sound like I'm making a directive sound like a question, but it is really shorthand for 'okay, what did I just tell you to do?'.

[Tierrainney]

This is similar to something I learned in a child behavior class. Don't give a child a choice when there really isn't one.

Need to get child dressed in the morning, don't ask "Do you want to get dressed?"
Instead Tell child, "it is time to get dressed." and if you want to give child a choice, offer them two outfits.

It was recommended to give children choices, but only the preselected ones that you the adult were comfortable with giving. It doesn't always work, But sometimes it helps with tantrum prevention.

My oldest always wanted to have a choice, even when it was to be able to pick between two absolutely identical pieces of string for her art project.

[heartmug]

That is great!  That reminds me of when I hear parents correcting their kids and they will say something like "Susie you need to stay by mama while we are in the store.  Okay?"  I am waiting for the first kid to say "No, that is not okay with me."  lol

I do this a lot - adding "okay?" to the end - when talking to my DD (almost 3), but by now she has started to learn that I mean "do you hear and understand?" not "if it's okay with you?"      I suppose I should change it to "got it?" but that seems so blunt.

This is exactly why I say 'okay' at the end of some of my directives to my kids - they know that I'm really saying 'okay, did you hear that' and they need to acknowledge that both verbally and by doing what I told them to do.  It may sound like I'm making a directive sound like a question, but it is really shorthand for 'okay, what did I just tell you to do?'.

I see what you are saying, but I guess I think differently because my mom used to say "understand?" at the end.  For instance "We are leaving the store and you need to hold my hand in the parking lot, understand?"

[Optimoose Prime]

My husband still does this with me.  "Would you like to come and help me with <insanely tedious task>?"  So I tell him, "Not really but I can if you really need me to."

[TootsNYC]

That is great!  That reminds me of when I hear parents correcting their kids and they will say something like "Susie you need to stay by mama while we are in the store.  Okay?"  I am waiting for the first kid to say "No, that is not okay with me."  lol

That's a little bit different--the "okay" is really "did you hear me? Please state your comprehension and intend to comply."

But I did switch to "Got it?" Except that sounds a bit aggressive, as if I expected them to immediately defy me.

But your comment reminded me of my friend's rant about the error messages on the Mac screen: "Your file won't open. (OKAY)" and you have to click the (OKAY) button (or YES button, I can't remember right now) before the pop-up error screen will go away. She said, "No, it's NOT okay! And it's not like I have any choice! Why can't it just say 'ACKNOWLEDGE'!"

Maybe that's what I should have done w/ my kids; switched from "okay?" to "acknowledge?"

It's the ones with "want" that really get me.

[acicularis]

Maybe that's what I should have done w/ my kids; switched from "okay?" to "acknowledge?"

I'm probably weird, but that's exactly what I do say to my kids! I forget how it started, exactly. Probably to get one of them to acknowledge she'd heard me, because we were trapped in this cycle of my saying something, getting no response, and then repeating it more loudly and grumpily, only to have have her whine "Okaaay!" at me.

[TootsNYC]

Love it!

Maybe I will try it w/ my kid that I have to nag a bit.