Cure for those that issue commands disguised as a question

[Judah]

Maybe that's what I should have done w/ my kids; switched from "okay?" to "acknowledge?"

I'm probably weird, but that's exactly what I do say to my kids! I forget how it started, exactly. Probably to get one of them to acknowledge she'd heard me, because we were trapped in this cycle of my saying something, getting no response, and then repeating it more loudly and grumpily, only to have have her whine "Okaaay!" at me.

I always used "understand?", because that's what I was really wanting to know, did they understand my directions.

[Jones]

This is similar to something I learned in a child behavior class. Don't give a child a choice when there really isn't one.

Need to get child dressed in the morning, don't ask "Do you want to get dressed?"
Instead Tell child, "it is time to get dressed." and if you want to give child a choice, offer them two outfits.

It was recommended to give children choices, but only the preselected ones that you the adult were comfortable with giving. It doesn't always work, But sometimes it helps with tantrum prevention.

My oldest always wanted to have a choice, even when it was to be able to pick between two absolutely identical pieces of string for her art project.

Boo Bear is at a stage where I am comfortable letting him learn about making choices. Today I pulled out two packs of Buddy Fruits applesauce for lunch. Identical flavors. Same colored caps. He pointed at one and I handed it to him. He let out a NO and pointed at the other. As soon as I touched that he wanted the first again. I ended up taking the lids off both and leaving them on the table for him to make a choice when he was done yelling his indignation at my touching his fruit.

Sometimes I just can't win...

[Elfmama]

That is great!  That reminds me of when I hear parents correcting their kids and they will say something like "Susie you need to stay by mama while we are in the store.  Okay?"  I am waiting for the first kid to say "No, that is not okay with me."  lol

That's a little bit different--the "okay" is really "did you hear me? Please state your comprehension and intend to comply."

But I did switch to "Got it?" Except that sounds a bit aggressive, as if I expected them to immediately defy me.

But your comment reminded me of my friend's rant about the error messages on the Mac screen: "Your file won't open. (OKAY)" and you have to click the (OKAY) button (or YES button, I can't remember right now) before the pop-up error screen will go away. She said, "No, it's NOT okay! And it's not like I have any choice! Why can't it just say 'ACKNOWLEDGE'!"

It's the cashpoint computer at the grocery store that gets to me.  I swipe my debit card and it says "Your total is $38.94.  Is this OK?" I always fight down the urge to say "NO!  I only want to pay $4.39 for all this stuff!"

[Mom2PBJ]

That is great!  That reminds me of when I hear parents correcting their kids and they will say something like "Susie you need to stay by mama while we are in the store.  Okay?"  I am waiting for the first kid to say "No, that is not okay with me."  lol

Now that you have said it, the first kid will be yours. 

[suzieQ]

That is great!  That reminds me of when I hear parents correcting their kids and they will say something like "Susie you need to stay by mama while we are in the store.  Okay?"  I am waiting for the first kid to say "No, that is not okay with me."  lol

I do this a lot - adding "okay?" to the end - when talking to my DD (almost 3), but by now she has started to learn that I mean "do you hear and understand?" not "if it's okay with you?"      I suppose I should change it to "got it?" but that seems so blunt.

I have a friend who uses "yes ma'am?" instead of "ok". It works nicely, it's a demand for respect and acquiescence at the same time.

[jane7166]

While in serious labor with DD, the nurse asked me if I wanted to use the bathroom.  I said no, I was fine.  I didn't want to move from that bed.  So, a few minutes later, she asked again.  I said no again.

Then she says this device that they need to use works best with an empty bladder.  So, I got up, thinking but not saying, "so, why didn't you /&()## say so?   

I think this was a cultural difference - nurse was of Far Eastern descent and I think her suggesting something that I might want to do? was the equivalent of "I need you to do...." but I was laboring in the mid-west USA so it never occurred to me that this was something I had to do. 

[Piratelvr1121]

  That's awesome!!

I have someone in my life who will see me doing a chore we've both been putting off and say "Oh, I was going to do that." while making absolutely NO move to get up and help. As expected I'd always say "That's okay, I've got it." I started to realize that I was getting the crap end of that stick so now about half the time I'll say "Really? That'd be great. Thanks!" and I go sit down. 

I need to suggest that to a friend.  [bg] She and her stbx are still living together, as he doesn't make enough (10 hours/week) to afford a place on his own (plus he's in denial that she even really wants a divorce) and she can't afford their mortgage and rent so she's waiting for their house to sell. [/bg]

Well, he's lazy as all get out.  As I said, he works 10hours a week and they're very early morning hours. The rest of the time he's home he's either drinking or watching tv. She works 40+ hours a week and has a 90 minute commute.  He doesn't do a darned thing around the house but anytime she starts doing something it's "I was going to do that!" I think she needs to do as you do, say "Well go ahead!" Then go back inside and relax. 

[HonorH]

While in serious labor with DD, the nurse asked me if I wanted to use the bathroom.  I said no, I was fine.  I didn't want to move from that bed.  So, a few minutes later, she asked again.  I said no again.

Then she says this device that they need to use works best with an empty bladder.  So, I got up, thinking but not saying, "so, why didn't you /&()## say so?   

I think this was a cultural difference - nurse was of Far Eastern descent and I think her suggesting something that I might want to do? was the equivalent of "I need you to do...." but I was laboring in the mid-west USA so it never occurred to me that this was something I had to do.

I know that in Japan, making requests of those in higher positions (which you, as a client, were in that scenario, no matter what your, er, physical position might have been) is just Not Done. It's considered more polite to ask if one might like to do something. In Japan, she'd have been understood perfectly. So, yeah, probably a cultural thing.

[Piratelvr1121]

My dad told me once that he and my mother went to a Japanese restaurant and asked for a certain table. The waitress did not say "No" but kept trying to talk them into a different one.   He said he kept going, either trying to get her to say yes or give a direct no. 

He knew, from having gone on business trips in Japan, that they don't say "No", and that it was a cultural thing, so I think he was being an SS.

[Wench]

In fairness you get a bit of that in the UK.  Often doctors and nurses will say "would you like to sit in that chair" or "would you like to step on the scales?"  Its being phrased as a question but it is really a command.  I think its quite common for people to phrase a command as a question.  Though if push comes to shove a direct answer will be forth coming when needed.  It just might take a while for someone to give you a direct answer. 

[Hunter-Gatherer]

The problem for me isn't exactly that it's phrased as a question, but that the question isn't the correct one, especially if it's something vaguely unpleasant.

If the question is, "Would you please step on the scales?"  The answer is going to be, "Of course."
If the question is, "Would you like to step on the scales?"  The answer is going to be, "Not really."

I guess I could some it up is, if you want me to do something, ask me to do it.  Don't ask me how I feel about doing it.  They aren't the same thing.

[Sophia]

That is true.  I don't think Dad and I would have objected to "Would you please do XYZ unpleasant task?"

When you directly ask someone to do Unpleasant Task, there is an unspoken agreement that it is a favor.  If someone asks if you would like to do Unpleasant Task, then there is no favor granted because after all by doing it you are agreeing that you'd like to do it. 

[Seraphia]

My DH will do this. "Want to get the mail?" "Want to put these dishes in the sink?" It grinds my gears, because, well, NO, I don't want to get out of my comfy chair and do X task so that he doesn't have to get out of his comfy chair to do X task.

I've started answering completely honestly. "No. But I will, because I love you." He gets a little huffy, but he's also started putting his own dang dishes in the sink.

[dawbs]

The problem for me isn't exactly that it's phrased as a question, but that the question isn't the correct one, especially if it's something vaguely unpleasant.

If the question is, "Would you please step on the scales?"  The answer is going to be, "Of course."
If the question is, "Would you like to step on the scales?"  The answer is going to be, "Not really."

I guess I could some it up is, if you want me to do something, ask me to do it.  Don't ask me how I feel about doing it.  They aren't the same thing.

I recently had someone get super upset with me for this at work.

I don't 'ask' people to follow the (posted--clearly and repeatedly!) rules because I find it results in arguments.  (I make sure there's a 'please' and I begin with "I'm sorry but..."--the first time.  The second time, I'm very direct)
"You'll need to put your drink away, we're not allowed to have beverages in the lab" was met with much grousing.
ANd later the student coming to tell me how incredibly rude I was and how upset he was that I wasn't respecting him by telling him what to do, it was treating them as children.  I should ASK him to follow the rules.

I'm afraid I wasn't as patient as normal and I told him that I'm always polite but that if I have to repeat myself more than once, because people choose not to read the eight posted signs stating that rule clearly, I don't ask them because it's not optional.
But I did tell him that he was welcome to report his problem with my behavior to my boss.  (which, let me say, I would LOVE to see.  LOVE.  My boss is awesomely wonderful at politely ripping someone to tiny bits and making them feel like a heel.   To be a fly on the wall at those moments )

[BeagleMommy]

DH does a version of this.  He will ask me to do the dishes and then ask "When are you going to do them?".  This is his subtle way of saying "I really want them done NOW!".  I have gotten into the habit of giving VERY specific times such as "I plan to do them at precisely 10:52:23 pm/9:52:23 central".

But, I'm evil that way.