Author Topic: It's because of your kid UPDATE pg 6, 14  (Read 34964 times)

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HonorH

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Re: It's because of your kid
« Reply #15 on: September 11, 2012, 06:19:21 PM »
I suspect the situation will resolve itself as Mark and Mary start meeting other couples with babies and begin forming friendships with people in their stage of life. They've changed their lifestyle and the rest of you haven't. It's what happens. No one's right or wrong.

In the meantime, keep inviting them out, but it would be good if someone could gently tell them that it's hard for a boisterous group like yours to meet at their apartment. Perhaps you could do some "all girl" things with Mary and the guys could have some "all guy" time with Mike to alleviate the babysitter problem. But I'd lay money that they'll start drifting away.
William wondered why he always disliked people who said "no offense meant." Maybe it was because they found it easier to say "no offense meant" than actually to refrain from giving offense.

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Sharnita

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Re: It's because of your kid
« Reply #16 on: September 11, 2012, 06:21:33 PM »
I suspect the situation will resolve itself as Mark and Mary start meeting other couples with babies and begin forming friendships with people in their stage of life. They've changed their lifestyle and the rest of you haven't. It's what happens. No one's right or wrong.

In the meantime, keep inviting them out, but it would be good if someone could gently tell them that it's hard for a boisterous group like yours to meet at their apartment. Perhaps you could do some "all girl" things with Mary and the guys could have some "all guy" time with Mike to alleviate the babysitter problem. But I'd lay money that they'll start drifting away.

The guys doing a guy event /girls doing a girl event might be a good option from time to time.

bah12

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Re: It's because of your kid
« Reply #17 on: September 11, 2012, 07:15:53 PM »
As the only couple with a young child in my group of friends, I understand how Mark and Mary feel.  Feeling left out is normal when your life changes significantly and no one else's does.  Yes, they had a child by choice but telling them "deal with it" isn't how true friendships work.

You need to be honest with them and let them know why you don't enjoy hanging out at their house.  While they can't expect that their friends will cater to their new life 100% of the time, it certainly isn't unreasonable for their friends to cater to their new life once in a while.  And I'm sure there's room for compromise on both sides.  They can probably get themselves to the point of hiring a babysitter for outings they really want to attend and you guys can hang out their house every now and then so they don't have to get a babysitter...and yes, you guys can also not hang out sometimes.

Sure, they'll probably eventually fall into a new group of friends who are more readily able to socialize with them the way they feel comfortable and that's ok too.  I just think/hope that you (your general group of friends) would make some effort to keep the friendship you've had up to this point in tact.

If Mary is feeling particularly down and left out, why not invite her out for an all girls night and then trade off with the boys at a later date so her husband can have some fun too.  And yeah, if they want to hang out like old times together, then they need to break down and get a babysitter.  Maybe if you guys had some open and honest conversation about what's going on, they will be more ready to see how important it is that they do that.

lovepickles

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Re: It's because of your kid
« Reply #18 on: September 11, 2012, 07:37:27 PM »
One of my old BFFs from college had a kid. Wow was that a shock. I totally didn't get it. Well, until I had a kid. She tried sooo hard to keep up with us that she really stressed herself out. I wish I knew what she felt but sometimes you have to be in the situation to truly appreciate it. For other totally unrelated reasons our friendship ended but when I became a mom I remembered her and how hard she tried to keep her old life up. All I can say is that it is a rough transition to parent hood. Accept that your friendship may never be the same, she probably should too. But don't break ties over this because should you make the transition, one day, it helps to have friends on the other side!

I like the idea of a girls night. Then there is also the idea of a day-spa hot-springs kind of deal depending where you are. Or a pool. It is really hot today so that is about all I can suggest. Moms like daytime outings when they can leave the baby with Dad. Pedicures, shopping ... gawd this sounds really cliche. :p

fountainof

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Re: It's because of your kid
« Reply #19 on: September 11, 2012, 07:38:13 PM »
I was the one with the kid as well.  I guess maybe because I never really did the bar thing my DD just sort of merged into the activities I always did with my best friends such as lunch, shopping, etc.  Sure there was one challenging year there (age 1.5 to 2.5) where restaurants were hard but we did alternate things such as dinner at my place or another friend's.  My DH is disabled (blind) so it was difficult for him to watch DD alone until she could speak well and was potty trained.  Anyway, I do appreciate how accommodating my friends are and I try to be a good friend and tell them how much I appreciate it.

So I do think it would be nice to try and do a brunch every once in a while.

snowdragon

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Re: It's because of your kid
« Reply #20 on: September 11, 2012, 07:50:25 PM »


I t sounds like you can do a lot of stuff without them but that they want to be included sometimes and when they are they would like to have their new tastes considered a bit.  I certainly don't think every event, or even most, need to be timed and held so they can attend but I do think going to their place once in a while and doing it "their way" is not a bit baby-crazy, it is the give and take that happens when friends care enough to be there for each other.  You are in your mid-twenties - more of you are going to change, so i'd be a bit open to it.

What, so they have to change the whole group dynamic to suit the couple with a  baby?

Also, not wanting them to tell dirty jokes while the kid is *in bed* is just ridiculous.

No, I suggested going on as normal and just adjusting once in a while.  To me, that isn't changing "the whole group dynamic".   That would be making a small adjustment once in a while.  I do that for friends I really like.  Maybe I let them choose a movie that isn't my top pick.  Or they choose a restaurant that isn't my favorite. Now they don't call the shots all the time but do I sometimes put their needs or wishes ahead of mine - yes. It isn't an all or nothing situation in most cases.


  The problem with this is the group is expected to do the accommodating and the parents none at all - and that is exactly the situation they have now.  They have done this THREE times and the parents have done nothing to fit into the group as it stands. That's going to lead to bad feelings - if it hasn't already ready.   The group likes itself as it is, it did not have the child, has already done some accommodating AND when they do that, they get treated shabbily by the parents. It's time to get honest and say  "We did not sign up for parenting and we have gone as far as we can in accommodating you,, you need to meet us halfway - or more."  It seems like the parents don't want to change themselves but want everything to change for them.

Hmmmmm

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Re: It's because of your kid
« Reply #21 on: September 11, 2012, 08:08:04 PM »
As the couple with the first kid I POD WillyNilly.  Tell your friends the issue. 

But if they are true friends versus just "running buddies" find times that you can visit with them.  A foursome at their house with delivery pizza and a night of games with the two kids, or 3 couples get together for a dinner out with the baby in a high chair then the family heads home and the other two couples head to the bar. 

But being completely frank, even after I had kids I didn't enjoy hanging with people who were what we referred to as parental anal.  Lives revolving around feeding times or bed time or having quiet hours while baby was a sleep was not how we parented and I wasn't willing to accommodate that behavior in many cases.  So parental anal fell out of our social circle pretty early.


Piratelvr1121

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Re: It's because of your kid
« Reply #22 on: September 11, 2012, 08:22:03 PM »
As the couple with the first kid I POD WillyNilly.  Tell your friends the issue. 

But if they are true friends versus just "running buddies" find times that you can visit with them.  A foursome at their house with delivery pizza and a night of games with the two kids, or 3 couples get together for a dinner out with the baby in a high chair then the family heads home and the other two couples head to the bar. 

But being completely frank, even after I had kids I didn't enjoy hanging with people who were what we referred to as parental anal.  Lives revolving around feeding times or bed time or having quiet hours while baby was a sleep was not how we parented and I wasn't willing to accommodate that behavior in many cases.  So parental anal fell out of our social circle pretty early.

Same here. I guess it was partly because our boys were all pretty easy going as babies and thus easy to take just about anywhere.  My parents had told me they could take me anywhere and did when I was a baby.  So I guess I kinda learned from them that your social life doesn't have to come to a grinding halt when you have kids.  (Though I still wouldn't take a baby to a smoky pool hall like they did but that was the 70's so I guess it was different then)

We'd take our boys with us to friend's houses, feed them, let them socialize a bit, then we'd put the boys down, either in their car seat or a portacrib in another room and usually we could talk at normal volumes and even laugh loud without a worry.   DH has a LOUD laugh so if the boys could sleep through that, conversation at normal volumes wasn't going to bother them.

We did have the parental anals though, and it did get a bit annoying.  Especially when the kid was a toddler and trying to get into things and the parents wouldn't reign them in, or they'd do the "Let's go to bed, okay? Do you want to go night night?" Then when the kid said no they'd shrug and look at us like "What do you expect us to do? He doesn't want to nap!"  ::)
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

weeblewobble

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Re: It's because of your kid
« Reply #23 on: September 11, 2012, 08:27:29 PM »
They can't have it both ways.  They can't be super-overprotective parents who don't want to leave their child with other people and don't want inappropriate humor/loudness to damage junior's psyche, and then complain because they're excluded.  Basically, they're asking everybody around them to adjust to them, rather than making the adjustments that every parent has to make when socializing.

When Mary announces parties at her house, decline.  If she tries to move activities to their house, say, "No, sorry, that won't work."  If they don't want to join in because the venue is not on their "approved" list, that's a decision they have to make. 

Bob Ducca

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Re: It's because of your kid
« Reply #24 on: September 11, 2012, 09:01:38 PM »
People change.  Nothing wrong with that.  The problem is that some people think that their personal changes are *right* and everyone who doesn't change is *wrong*.  I don't care if it's because of kids, maturity, newfound wealth, or an adoption of a new belief system; when you expect everyone in your social circle to change long-standing behavior and/or traditions to suit your new preferences, it is selfish and entitled.

There is a middle ground.  The couple with a child can accept that their lives have changed and deal with it in a number of ways.  I think the OP should tell them (gently and nicely) that gatherings in their home won't work on a regular basis.  The couple's lives have changed, but they have to accept that not everyone else in their social circle got a vote, so they need to deal.

TheaterDiva1

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Re: It's because of your kid
« Reply #25 on: September 11, 2012, 10:20:42 PM »
How about inviting them out for girls'/guys' night out.  Not the same night - ladies can invite Mary out one night, and Mark can go out with the guys the following night.  That way, while one parent is out, the other one's home with the baby.

Bluenomi

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Re: It's because of your kid
« Reply #26 on: September 11, 2012, 10:40:36 PM »
How about inviting them out for girls'/guys' night out.  Not the same night - ladies can invite Mary out one night, and Mark can go out with the guys the following night.  That way, while one parent is out, the other one's home with the baby.

This! We do that now most of us have kids. We girls have bookclub once a month and the guys have poker/games nights. That way one parent can stay home with the kids while the other goes out. There are the odd events where both parents are invited and since we don't have any avalible babysitters besides friends who are probably going we either don't go or just one of us does.

If you have a kid, you need to adjust, not your friends

snowdragon

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Re: It's because of your kid
« Reply #27 on: September 11, 2012, 10:56:55 PM »
How about inviting them out for girls'/guys' night out.  Not the same night - ladies can invite Mary out one night, and Mark can go out with the guys the following night.  That way, while one parent is out, the other one's home with the baby.

This! We do that now most of us have kids. We girls have bookclub once a month and the guys have poker/games nights. That way one parent can stay home with the kids while the other goes out. There are the odd events where both parents are invited and since we don't have any avalible babysitters besides friends who are probably going we either don't go or just one of us does.

If you have a kid, you need to adjust, not your friends


This changes the entire tenure of the group - why do they get to get segregated into two groups ?  quiet for babyThis is a group of both genders that enjoy a certain type of interaction and humor. They should not have to give up interacting with half the group because this couple had a kid and won't accommodate anything but "it's at our house and you need to be very quiet for baby and only X type of jokes are allowed."
    I think the couple needs to re-evaluate what they are asking of their friends and the group needs to see that if they start giving into to this stuff the group will not be what it is now, and likely they will loose more than just the two people.
   

Sharnita

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Re: It's because of your kid
« Reply #28 on: September 11, 2012, 11:06:06 PM »
I certainly wouldn't do it all or even most of the time but once in a while - if somebody was truly a friend I would do some bending.  I guess it depends on how you view friendship and what you think that relationship requires of you.  I think they owe the group an understanding that most gatherings will be the way they always have been and the group owes them an occasional gathering that suits them.  That is, if they are all truly friends.  Now, if they are friendly instead of friends nobody owes anybody as much.

WillyNilly

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Re: It's because of your kid
« Reply #29 on: September 11, 2012, 11:22:32 PM »
While I think an occasional girls night or guys night (or days) is a good idea, in general actually not even in relation to the new parents, the reality is the couple can trade off on nights out even if the whole group is still the whole co-ed group.  Just because everyone is going bowling Friday night doesn't mean Mary can't go with out Mark, or vice versa.  One parent can go out while the other stays in with the kiddo and the next week, the other goes out and the other stays in.