Author Topic: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? more info 16 update pg 8, 10  (Read 48911 times)

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squashedfrog

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I have had a question from a friend who has just returned to dating, about an incident in the cinema which she finds a little weird, so I suggested running it past the forum to see what you good e-hellions think.   She thinks its odd, but isn’t sure if a) its because she has been out of game so long, or b) the cinema setting dark, quiet etc made it difficult to gauge. Sorry its long, I’m trying to add as much detail as poss.  The main question is, would you find his behaviour odd or would it run a red flag for you?

 Friend meets guy on an online dating site, corresponding via email text and a few calls since.  Last week, last minute they decided to catch the Batman movie that evening as a first date.  (Now, she admits a dark cinema, no talking, not ideal first date material, but movie was due to end at cinema, and it was a spur of the moment decision for the both of them).

She says they had both talked about having eaten dinner separately beforehand, met up for a quick coffee beforehand (going dutch), things seem good, and then went to the cinema to catch the film. 

So this is where it seems to go strange...Friend decides to buy snacks to take in with them, a drink and some popcorn. Guy says he doesn’t want anything.  Vendor says you can large for extra 50p, so she gets large in case guy would like to share some during what is a long film.  When the guy sees the popcorn, he visibly frowns and gives her what she feels is an odd look.  She asks him if he’s OK, he then acts normal and breezy again and she shrugs it off.

Before entering the screen she asks him to hold the drink and popcorn while she nips to the loo.  When she returns, she says he was shovelling the popcorn into his mouth by the handful (again no biggie, its a large so there’s plenty to share).  She says thanks and offers to carry her snacks, and he gives her the drink back but holds on to the popcorn.

They get in the screen, film begins and he is holding the popcorn on his lap, but away from friend.  She reaches over and helps herself to one or two bits, he does the same.   Then, she thinks out of politeness, she will take a handful and pop it on her lap (on her jacket) so she is not leaning across him all the way through the film.  Again, although its dark, she says he gives her a frown as if a she’s taken a huge handful.

He “lets” her take another handful, but then puts the popcorn down, by his feet away from her.  And there it stays all the way through the film.  The odd thing is he doesn’t eat anymore, but seems annoyed when she nudges him a few times throughout the film to get a bit of popcorn.  At one point she says she thinks he held the bottom of it tight so she couldn’t get her hand all the way in and only got a small helping, then back by his feet away from her it went.

The third time she indicates she would like some of her own popcorn again, she thinks he audibly tutts at her.  Embarrassed, this is the last time she reaches for her popcorn.

When the film is over, they stand and go to leave and she notices there’s a good half of the popcorn still in the bag, as she bends to pick it up, she hears him in an exasperated tone,  say “just LEAVE it!”. When she turns back to him, again he’s all smiles. 

Its late, they say their goodbyes and hugs and go off separate ways.  She says he has been completely friendly, funny and normal on the subsequent texts and emails.   

What do you E-hellions think?  Odd behaviour, a red flag or is she overreacting?
« Last Edit: September 17, 2012, 10:36:45 AM by squashedfrog »

EmmaJ.

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? (Sorry! Epic Length!)
« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2012, 08:24:12 AM »
Weird.  Weird, weird, weird.  I think he might be one of those "controlling" men who watch every mouthful you eat. 

I would give him one more chance and see how he reacts to your friend at a meal.  One frown, one "tut tut" and you'll know.  If he shows any disapproval about what she eats or how much she eats, she needs to drop him like a hot potato.  And tell him why.  He has no right to govern what she eats.

My ex would take my dinner plate away from me when he decided I had enough to eat.  Why I put up with that for one second I'll never understand.

MorgnsGrl

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? (Sorry! Epic Length!)
« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2012, 08:26:04 AM »
Red flag. Policing her food intake 100% unacceptable. I wouldn't give him a second chance.

RingTailedLemur

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? (Sorry! Epic Length!)
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2012, 08:26:37 AM »
That's really, really weird.

It sounds like he didn't want her to have any popcorn at all - so he not only kept it physically away from her but tried to dispose of it by eating it.

If I were your friend, I'd ask him what was up with that.

Snapping at her and controlling her behaviour are huge red flags for me - the first date is when you should be on your extraspecialultraabsolutebest behaviour to impress someone.  Either he wasn't too bothered about ipressing her or not, or more frighteningly, that was his best behaviour and he will get a whole lot worse.

Redsoil

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? (Sorry! Epic Length!)
« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2012, 08:27:51 AM »
It seems peculiar to me!  I'd actually ask him what the deal was, but then I tend to be pretty upfront about things like that.  Perhaps he feels it's "Unladylike" to want any quantity of popcorn?  Perhaps he frowns on junkfood?  I'd have found his "possession" of MY popcorn unusual, especially when he was rationing it.

I think I'd ask casually in an email how he enjoyed the movie, and then mention the popcorn - something like "I did wonder why you seemed to have a bit of an issue with the popcorn.  Does the rustling disturb you when someone takes a handful?"
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Yvaine

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? (Sorry! Epic Length!)
« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2012, 08:37:04 AM »
My guess is major food issues--not just for her but also for himself. He was visibly upset when she bought it, then when she left for a moment he started wolfing it down, then gets annoyed every time she eats but also doesn't eat any more himself. His PAness about it would keep me from going on any more dates with him, but I do suspect he has issues, and not just directed at her.

Shopaholic

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? (Sorry! Epic Length!)
« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2012, 09:02:08 AM »
That is just so weird.
Why didn't she just take the bag from him?
If he had other redeeming qualities I might give him another chance...but so far...tutting at her? Um, no.

Kaypeep

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? (Sorry! Epic Length!)
« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2012, 09:36:43 AM »
I think your friend should ask herself why she didn't say "Please pass me the popcorn bag."  I mean, why did she let him keep control of it and keep reaching over?  For future dates or just general assertiveness in life, she should not let others take over her things like that.

As for this date, I'm torn.  My boyfriend is not a control freak or hostile and controlling, but he does sometimes question why I want to eat something as soon as I wake up, or after we've had a meal.  His metabolism is different than mine, and he doesn't seem to get that and instead acts like I'm a bit off kilter to eat the way I do.  (meanwhile he'll eat a bag of pistachios and half a gallon of milk right before bed, whereas I can't eat anything 4 hours before bedtime.  ::) )  So part of me thinks he might have had an issue with getting a large popcorn after saying you had a meal.  However, his controlling it and tut tutting is out of line and a red flag to me and goes beyond questioning different eating habits.

Sophia

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? (Sorry! Epic Length!)
« Reply #8 on: September 12, 2012, 09:43:40 AM »
Red flag!  Run!  Run!  Run!

For some reason, he thought that she shouldn't eat popcorm, and he did what he could to make sure she didn't.  I don't know why she didn't just snag the popcorm container herself when he put it on the floor.

The other red flag is the false smiles.  It is obvious even to me that the frowning tuttibg person is the real guy and the jovial smiling one is his dating face.  Tell her to believe the unscripted responses and ignore the scripted ones. 

WillyNilly

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? (Sorry! Epic Length!)
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2012, 09:51:45 AM »
It doesn't sound like a control issue to me so much as an eating disorder of some type.

But this guy or any other, your friend will do better in dating if she just speaks up.  lets put it this way right now she's questioning whether she should see the guy again, right?  So what would she have had to loose by being direct?  Whats the worst case scenario?  Either she'd see him again or she'd know she wasn't going to, but the outcome would still be one of the exact same two outcomes she's now facing.   She should have straight up said "please hand me the bag of popcorn" or even "I'd like my popcorn back now."

She also IMO should have called him out on the "just leave it".  She could do it all smiles "did you just tell me to leave it?  Why?" just like he was smiling at her, but in the long run dating will be easier and more productive if she treats first dates as an opportunity for men to impress her instead of an opportunity for her to impress men.  Yes she should put her best face forward, but she shouldn't worry if a man likes her, she should only worry if she likes the man.  He can worry about whether he likes her, that's his end, she should only be concerned with what she's looking for in a mate.

MorgnsGrl

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? (Sorry! Epic Length!)
« Reply #10 on: September 12, 2012, 10:04:07 AM »
It doesn't sound like a control issue to me so much as an eating disorder of some type.

Eating disorders ARE about control. (Not just about control, but control is a major factor.)

WillyNilly

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? (Sorry! Epic Length!)
« Reply #11 on: September 12, 2012, 10:07:33 AM »
It doesn't sound like a control issue to me so much as an eating disorder of some type.

Eating disorders ARE about control. (Not just about control, but control is a major factor.)

Ok yes I know that.  But I mean not a control issue as in controlling her in a emotionally or physically abusive way, but more about his own sense of control over himself.  I think the popcorn issue was about him and his relationship to food going into his body more then about the food that goes into other people's body's.  I think in this case it manifested itself against her food intake simply due to a variety of factors like being around the food unexpectedly, being asked to hold the food, and knowing he was going to be sitting next to someone who planed to [seemingly mindlessly] eat for 2 hours.

Yvaine

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? (Sorry! Epic Length!)
« Reply #12 on: September 12, 2012, 10:17:08 AM »
It doesn't sound like a control issue to me so much as an eating disorder of some type.

Eating disorders ARE about control. (Not just about control, but control is a major factor.)

Ok yes I know that.  But I mean not a control issue as in controlling her in a emotionally or physically abusive way, but more about his own sense of control over himself.  I think the popcorn issue was about him and his relationship to food going into his body more then about the food that goes into other people's body's.  I think in this case it manifested itself against her food intake simply due to a variety of factors like being around the food unexpectedly, being asked to hold the food, and knowing he was going to be sitting next to someone who planed to [seemingly mindlessly] eat for 2 hours.

I agree with most of this post, but the bolded sounds kind of like you're criticizing the friend too for wanting to eat popcorn at the movies.  :-\ Maybe just an internet-no-tone thing.

rashea

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? (Sorry! Epic Length!)
« Reply #13 on: September 12, 2012, 10:25:17 AM »
It doesn't sound like a control issue to me so much as an eating disorder of some type.

Eating disorders ARE about control. (Not just about control, but control is a major factor.)

Ok yes I know that.  But I mean not a control issue as in controlling her in a emotionally or physically abusive way, but more about his own sense of control over himself.  I think the popcorn issue was about him and his relationship to food going into his body more then about the food that goes into other people's body's.  I think in this case it manifested itself against her food intake simply due to a variety of factors like being around the food unexpectedly, being asked to hold the food, and knowing he was going to be sitting next to someone who planed to [seemingly mindlessly] eat for 2 hours.

But if it was that, then shoveling it in was a bit odd, and the smart thing to do would be to hand it back to her.

Honestly, if he has that big a food issue, he should have said something. Not stolen someone else's food.

If everything else was perfect, I might ask him about it. But more likely I would tell him that his taking my food away was odd and left me feeling really unattracted to him.
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Yvaine

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? (Sorry! Epic Length!)
« Reply #14 on: September 12, 2012, 10:29:59 AM »
It doesn't sound like a control issue to me so much as an eating disorder of some type.

Eating disorders ARE about control. (Not just about control, but control is a major factor.)

Ok yes I know that.  But I mean not a control issue as in controlling her in a emotionally or physically abusive way, but more about his own sense of control over himself.  I think the popcorn issue was about him and his relationship to food going into his body more then about the food that goes into other people's body's.  I think in this case it manifested itself against her food intake simply due to a variety of factors like being around the food unexpectedly, being asked to hold the food, and knowing he was going to be sitting next to someone who planed to [seemingly mindlessly] eat for 2 hours.

But if it was that, then shoveling it in was a bit odd, and the smart thing to do would be to hand it back to her.

I think the shoveling was part of it too--I think he was starting to binge on it, and mistakenly projected the same onto her, and was trying to save them both from the eeevil popcorn.