First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? more info 16 update pg 8, 10

[lowspark]

I agree with everyone who says RED FLAG. There is no way I'd give this guy a second chance.

But honestly, over and above that, it doesn't really matter whether we all think it's a red flag or not. Even if everyone here said, "hey, it's no big deal, it's perfectly normal for a guy to make faces when you order popcorn at the movies and then proceed to hoard it and not let you have any", it bothered your friend. And if someone does something like that, on a first date, something that bothers you enough that you are telling a friend about it, well, do you really need to go out a second time?

As a PP said, first dates are supposed to be BEST behavior. You're trying to impress your date enough to make them want to see you again. If his best "first date" behavior is something that (a) bothers you, and (b) is weird and hard to interpret, do you really want to see the "I no longer have to impress you so I'll relax more" behavior?

My advice to your friend is to cancel the second date and move on.

[Decimus]

[snip]
She thinks its now gone past the bringing it up phase with him, as it was late when the film finished, he was all smiles again, she had to get home, and is not sure after a few days of it bugging her how she would then bring up something with him that she thinks might be seen as trivial. Like she said, he'd be immediately fine after it like nothing had happened so again she's unsure of whether he noticed he was doing it.  Hence coming to me and me coming to Ehell.

[snip]

The popcorn thing is weird.  And it has not gone past the point of asking about it.  relationships are built on communication.  Since she's still seeing this guy, there's no reason she can't say something like "I'm sorry, but this is still bugging me even after X [days/weeks/months].  What was up with you and the popcorn at the movies?"

If she asks, she'll feel better because it will stop bugging her.  And she'll know from his reply what to make of it.  Does he get defensive?  Admit an eating disorder?  Apologise?

[O'Dell]

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

He's shown her.

[Piratelvr1121]

Piratelvr, I swear I just heard Capt. Jack announce, "It shall be buttered, VIGOROUSLY!" 

LOL! I've been using that line since Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland came out and the Mad Hatter says "On the Frabjous day, I shall futterwhacken vigorously!"  I once told the guy at the concession stand that I wanted my popcorn buttered vigorously and he giggled and my popcorn was indeed buttered quite vigorously!

[Cz. Burrito]

What everyone else said.  His "best side" is a jerk.  I don't want to see his normal side.

If I did give him a second chance, I would be sure to make it a Mexican place with unlimited chips, or at least a place where I could order a giant dessert. 

[Betelnut]

Another problem I have with the guy is that he (apparently) didn't think to clean up after himself at the theater.  Just leaving trash on the floor is a big no-no to me.

I wouldn't want to go out with him again.

[thlayly]

I think this is a huge red flag, and he reminds me of an ex of mine. He would say something strange or insulting, I'd try to call him on it and he'd act all offended and surprised that I thought anything was wrong. Ugh.

Also, I think this is an issue of control for him, not his own disordered eating. I have suffered from an eating disorder- even at my worst I never thought other people could not eat. I would never ration or even think to ration someone else's food. However, I do not pretend to be an expert- this is all based only on my experience.

I really think she ought to cancel the date. After that sort of behavior on a first date I would not give him a second chance.

[still in va]

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

He's shown her.

one of the tenets by which i live my life.

[rose red]

I have an uncle who hates fat people and will make fun of relatives who are heavy right to their faces.  Of course, he controlled what our aunt ate and made remarks if she gain weight.  We all hate him and avoid their family as much as possible for this and many other reasons.  If he can't be avoided, we don't speak to him or give it right back (I love being an adult  ).  My generation all felt sorry for Aunt when we were children, but no more.  We also hear our parents speak and they've also lost all sympathy for her because she just accepts it and laugh off or be defensive about all our concerns.  Maybe she just got used to it and think it's normal and feel the same way he does after all these years?

My advice, like others, is RUN FOR THE HILLS.  It may be one little thing in an otherwise "nice" guy now, but things will keep popping up in the future and it will be harder to untangle herself.

eta: even if he's the one with the eating problem (If it's an eating problem.  It may be something else), he's already making it a problem for her.

eta2:  If she does give him a second chance, she should talk to him about it.  There's a chance he may have a reasonable explanation, but it does need to be talked about so she can stop second guessing herself.

[cicero]

i would run run run from this guy. I don't care *what* his reasoning for snatching away the pop corn might be. it.wasn't.his.popcorn. I would not give this guy a second chance - and i am the queen of second chances. this is just too weird.

[RingTailedLemur]

The sudden snap between being nasty guy and lovely guy is a HUGE red flag for me.  Massive.

[Auntie Mame]

And I've discussed the term, "gaslighting" here before.  But the "fake smiles" after doing something weird and controlling (usually after the victim has relented) and the return to being the funny email guy after a rather confusing, upsetting encounter is classic gaslighting.  It's intended to put the victim off-balance, to make her doubt her judgment and whether what she thinks happened was really what happened.  And if it did, was it all that bad?

It's a survival mechanism for abusive people.  Seriously, if they were sign-carrying jerks all of the time, they'd be much easier to spot and couldn't access victims.

Note to self: Talk to my local legislator about requiring abusive jerks to carry signs...

Totally agree Weeble, I jumped straight to gaslighting as well. 

This is just...wierd, just plain wierd.

What freaks me out the most is the Jekyll and Hyde act he was pulling.  Please keep us updated, and tell your friend to be careful.

[siamesecat2965]

I triple, quadruple, etc. the red flag.  I don't care if I've just consumed an entire pizza, a triple caramel latte with extra whipped cream and a cookie, and THEN ordered popcorn.  Anyone who tries to control what I eat, that I paid for will not be getting a second chance.  It's no one's business what I eat, how much, or when and where.  You have issues with that, do let the door hit you on the way out!  It does sound controlling, and I won't put up with that.

[Cat-Fu]

That's just... weird. I'm trying really hard, but I can't think of any rational reason to hoard your date's popcorn on the first date! I hope that your friend is prepared to walk out at any signs of irrational food control attempts at her next date! I would be canceling the second date, myself, but if your friend wants to give him a chance that badly, I do hope she is safe about it!

[Judah]

The sudden snap between being nasty guy and lovely guy is a HUGE red flag for me.  Massive.

I agree; that's the weirdest part for me. But I wouldn't have let the popcorn hoarding pass without asking, "what's your deal? Give me my popcorn."  And I would make him explain himself.  I don't think it's too late for that.