First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? more info 16 update pg 8, 10

[SiotehCat]

Red flag.

I would have been annoyed that he knew he didn't want me to eat popcorn, but let me buy it anyway knowing that he was going to keep it from me. I would have preferred he just tell me that he didn't want me to buy the popcorn.

Of course, then I would have walked away at the beginning because he thought he could tell me how to spend my money and what to put in my body.

If I were in the OP's friends position, I would have bought another bag of popcorn just to show that I can do whatever I want.

[jmarvellous]

My instinct is pretty different from others', given that the OP's friend is willing to give the guy a second chance. I don't immediately leap to eating disorders or a disastrously controlling future. I instead thought, "I wonder if he thought playing hard-to-get with the popcorn is flirtatious or fun?"

I have known guys, particularly immature ones, who think that making their date reach across them or be 'playful' with the snack is cute. I happen to strongly disagree with them, but I do wonder if it was coming from a place of awkwardness rather than abusiveness.

I would make date no. 2 a dinner or lunch date to get to talking more and to see if he acts weird around food in general, though!

[Cz. Burrito]

My instinct is pretty different from others', given that the OP's friend is willing to give the guy a second chance. I don't immediately leap to eating disorders or a disastrously controlling future. I instead thought, "I wonder if he thought playing hard-to-get with the popcorn is flirtatious or fun?"

I have known guys, particularly immature ones, who think that making their date reach across them or be 'playful' with the snack is cute. I happen to strongly disagree with them, but I do wonder if it was coming from a place of awkwardness rather than abusiveness.

I would make date no. 2 a dinner or lunch date to get to talking more and to see if he acts weird around food in general, though!

The hostile "just leave it!" is what does in any explanation or possible misinterpretation for me.  Either he was crabby about the popcorn or he leaves his trash laying around or both.  Either way, not somebody I'd want to see again.

[rashea]

My instinct is pretty different from others', given that the OP's friend is willing to give the guy a second chance. I don't immediately leap to eating disorders or a disastrously controlling future. I instead thought, "I wonder if he thought playing hard-to-get with the popcorn is flirtatious or fun?"

I have known guys, particularly immature ones, who think that making their date reach across them or be 'playful' with the snack is cute. I happen to strongly disagree with them, but I do wonder if it was coming from a place of awkwardness rather than abusiveness.

I would make date no. 2 a dinner or lunch date to get to talking more and to see if he acts weird around food in general, though!

Had he kept it in his lap, yeah, I would guess that. But, he put it on the floor.

[LazyDaisy]

I've been thinking about this one for a bit before responding. I think it's a big miscommunication from both sides and the guy is probably not controlling her food intake or hates fat people, etc. I'm basing this on a few things from the original post:

1. When the guy sees the popcorn, he visibly frowns and gives her what she feels is an odd look.

If I had said to someone that I don't want any snacks, and then they come back with what clearly looks like popcorn for two, I'd be slightly miffed myself because I would feel like my preference had been ignored and I'm being manipulated into eating something I didn't want. The OP even points out that she got the larger size in case he wanted to share. He may have felt she didn't respect his decision not to have any but now that she had purchased it, he was obligated. His strange look may have been about that more than he was miffed she got something for herself. Also, my experience with guys is that they all tend to eat popcorn in big messy handfuls instead of 1-2 at a time like women do so the description of him shoveling it in doesn't make me think he was trying to keep it to himself just that he lacks...finesse. I learned early on that if I wanted my share of uncrushed popcorn, I need my own container.

2. and he gives her the drink back but holds on to the popcorn.

This might be his attempt at chivalry -- the guy holds the greasy popcorn for the lady so she doesn't have to juggle two containers. From the description, they are in the hallway at this point and this is where she should have insisted to get her snack back rather than wait until they are in the theater. If she didn't reach for it or ask for it, he may not have thought it was OK to force it back to her.

3. He “lets” her take another handful, but then puts the popcorn down, by his feet away from her.

"let's her" is a prejudicial way of saying it so I'm going to think that she simply took another handful while he was still holding it and there was no begging on her part and his acquiescence. Since she was putting the popcorn in her lap, he may have been tired of holding the bucket and didn't think she wanted any more. When she asked for some more, he could have simply given her the container to be sure but did she reach for the bag to take it or did she just stick her hand in? He may have been waiting for her to simply take it since he clearly doesn't want it. It's also a dark place and he's probably trying to concentrate on the movie so holding firmly might have been because he didn't realize she was taking the container from him and thought it would get knocked over.

The third time she indicates she would like some of her own popcorn again, she thinks he audibly tutts at her.  Embarrassed, this is the last time she reaches for her popcorn.

Again did she reach for the bag to take it or just put her hand in to get some popcorn? If he keeps holding it out to her and all she does is take a couple pieces each time, he may have been exasperated at continually being the keeper of the bag and being interrupted. Lots of people like to "get lost in" an action movie like Batman, he sounds annoyed that she seems to be more interested in the popcorn and keeps "pulling him out." I'm a bit befuddled myself that through this whole movie date, she's just so fixated on that popcorn.

At the end, why did she need to just leave it, why didn't she just respond to him that she was taking the rest home? So I vote not a red flag, just two people who didn't clearly communicate their desires.

[Yvaine]

If I had said to someone that I don't want any snacks, and then they come back with what clearly looks like popcorn for two, I'd be slightly miffed myself because I would feel like my preference had been ignored and I'm being manipulated into eating something I didn't want. The OP even points out that she got the larger size in case he wanted to share. He may have felt she didn't respect his decision not to have any but now that she had purchased it, he was obligated.

This is foreign to me simply because at the theaters near me, often times a bigger popcorn gets you other perks whether you actually want all that popcorn or not. For example, at one place I can think of, the way to get refills on your soda is to upgrade, for something like twenty cents, to a deal that comes with a larger popcorn, and as far as I know there isn't really any other way to get the soda refill. I would just assume it was the better deal in some way, and not an obligation to eat.

Again did she reach for the bag to take it or just put her hand in to get some popcorn? If he keeps holding it out to her and all she does is take a couple pieces each time, he may have been exasperated at continually being the keeper of the bag and being interrupted. Lots of people like to "get lost in" an action movie like Batman, he sounds annoyed that she seems to be more interested in the popcorn and keeps "pulling him out." I'm a bit befuddled myself that through this whole movie date, she's just so fixated on that popcorn.

She was very specifically not fixated--in fact the reason she was taking larger handfuls was so she wouldn't have to interrupt either of them as often as if she reached over for a kernel or two every time she wanted a bite.

At the end, why did she need to just leave it, why didn't she just respond to him that she was taking the rest home?

I agree that this is the point where she should have said something--since it was no longer "quiet time"--but it sounds like she was just boggled into silence by his weird behavior.

[ilrag]

The thing is it doesn't matter if he was nice/perfect/charming for the rest of their interactions it's that THIS part of his personality bothers the date.

There would be a lot less heart break in the world if jerks were jerks all the time. I imagine that most people who have dated can relate to the feeling that "but s/he's so nice except for _____"  Because there would be no reason to date some one who was always a jerk.

[LazyDaisy]

If I had said to someone that I don't want any snacks, and then they come back with what clearly looks like popcorn for two, I'd be slightly miffed myself because I would feel like my preference had been ignored and I'm being manipulated into eating something I didn't want. The OP even points out that she got the larger size in case he wanted to share. He may have felt she didn't respect his decision not to have any but now that she had purchased it, he was obligated.

This is foreign to me simply because at the theaters near me, often times a bigger popcorn gets you other perks whether you actually want all that popcorn or not. For example, at one place I can think of, the way to get refills on your soda is to upgrade, for something like twenty cents, to a deal that comes with a larger popcorn, and as far as I know there isn't really any other way to get the soda refill. I would just assume it was the better deal in some way, and not an obligation to eat.

I've just never seen the point of spending more to get a larger size than I was intending to eat just because it's a "better deal." I also don't take free things if I don't intend to use/eat them, or buy 2 of something if I can't actually use 2. I can't imagine wanting to leave the movie to refill a soda. There are two sides to every story -- I'm just giving an alternate explanation other than he's making some sort of power play.

Again did she reach for the bag to take it or just put her hand in to get some popcorn? If he keeps holding it out to her and all she does is take a couple pieces each time, he may have been exasperated at continually being the keeper of the bag and being interrupted. Lots of people like to "get lost in" an action movie like Batman, he sounds annoyed that she seems to be more interested in the popcorn and keeps "pulling him out." I'm a bit befuddled myself that through this whole movie date, she's just so fixated on that popcorn.

She was very specifically not fixated--in fact the reason she was taking larger handfuls was so she wouldn't have to interrupt either of them as often as if she reached over for a kernel or two every time she wanted a bite.

But she should have just taken the bag. She kept taking handfuls out of the bag leaving him well...holding the bag. By putting it on the floor he indicated he was done eating and didn't want to hold it.

At the end, why did she need to just leave it, why didn't she just respond to him that she was taking the rest home?

I agree that this is the point where she should have said something--since it was no longer "quiet time"--but it sounds like she was just boggled into silence by his weird behavior.

[Yvaine]

But she should have just taken the bag. She kept taking handfuls out of the bag leaving him well...holding the bag. By putting it on the floor he indicated he was done eating and didn't want to hold it.

Then why didn't he hand it to her? She paid for it; she owned it. It was not his. If she then didn't want it either, she could have put it on the floor herself--but it was hers and should have gone back to her if he wanted nothing to do with it.

And as for whether it's OK to get extra popcorn because it's a better deal--even if you don't believe in that sort of thing, couldn't she have just actually wanted a large popcorn for herself? No matter what her reason for getting a large popcorn, it doesn't obligate the guy to eat any, and it's not up to him to approve or disapprove of how much food she bought with her own money.

[LazyDaisy]

You can hold it out to a person but you can't make them take it is my thought on that. She didn't make a move to take the bag, just handfuls of popcorn.

[Yvaine]

You can hold it out to a person but you can't make them take it is my thought on that. She didn't make a move to take the bag, just handfuls of popcorn.

I'm pretty sure that if he had ever tried to pass the whole bag to her, she would have taken it. He didn't. Instead he kept a death grip on it.

[Auntie Mame]

2. and he gives her the drink back but holds on to the popcorn.

This might be his attempt at chivalry -- the guy holds the greasy popcorn for the lady so she doesn't have to juggle two containers. From the description, they are in the hallway at this point and this is where she should have insisted to get her snack back rather than wait until they are in the theater. If she didn't reach for it or ask for it, he may not have thought it was OK to force it back to her.

3. He “lets” her take another handful, but then puts the popcorn down, by his feet away from her.

"let's her" is a prejudicial way of saying it so I'm going to think that she simply took another handful while he was still holding it and there was no begging on her part and his acquiescence. Since she was putting the popcorn in her lap, he may have been tired of holding the bucket and didn't think she wanted any more. When she asked for some more, he could have simply given her the container to be sure but did she reach for the bag to take it or did she just stick her hand in? He may have been waiting for her to simply take it since he clearly doesn't want it. It's also a dark place and he's probably trying to concentrate on the movie so holding firmly might have been because he didn't realize she was taking the container from him and thought it would get knocked over.

But what about 2 facts you left out 1) He was shoveling popcorn into his mouth when she wasn't there 2) he had a death grip on the bag

Food aside, anyone who switches back and forth from mean to nice several times in a nigt raises serious red flags with me.

[Yvaine]

Food aside, anyone who switches back and forth from mean to nice several times in a nigt raises serious red flags with me.

Yeah, the bellowing "Leave it!" followed by the smileyness is just plain weird.

[Moray]

You can hold it out to a person but you can't make them take it is my thought on that. She didn't make a move to take the bag, just handfuls of popcorn.

I'm pretty sure that if he had ever tried to pass the whole bag to her, she would have taken it. He didn't. Instead he kept a death grip on it.

Yeah, if someone is holding the bag so tight I can't get my hand in, that doesn't exactly prompt me to think "Oh, he must want me to take the whole bag."

[LazyDaisy]

2. and he gives her the drink back but holds on to the popcorn.

This might be his attempt at chivalry -- the guy holds the greasy popcorn for the lady so she doesn't have to juggle two containers. From the description, they are in the hallway at this point and this is where she should have insisted to get her snack back rather than wait until they are in the theater. If she didn't reach for it or ask for it, he may not have thought it was OK to force it back to her.

3. He “lets” her take another handful, but then puts the popcorn down, by his feet away from her.

"let's her" is a prejudicial way of saying it so I'm going to think that she simply took another handful while he was still holding it and there was no begging on her part and his acquiescence. Since she was putting the popcorn in her lap, he may have been tired of holding the bucket and didn't think she wanted any more. When she asked for some more, he could have simply given her the container to be sure but did she reach for the bag to take it or did she just stick her hand in? He may have been waiting for her to simply take it since he clearly doesn't want it. It's also a dark place and he's probably trying to concentrate on the movie so holding firmly might have been because he didn't realize she was taking the container from him and thought it would get knocked over.

But what about 2 facts you left out 1) He was shoveling popcorn into his mouth when she wasn't there 2) he had a death grip on the bag

Food aside, anyone who switches back and forth from mean to nice several times in a nigt raises serious red flags with me.

I didn't leave that out the eating part, I addressed in #1 which you edited out. I don't think he was switching back and forth from mean to nice is my point. Everyone is interpreting his behavior in a certain way that may not be true.