First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? more info 16 update pg 8, 10

[cicero]

If anything, its left her confused about the whole thing, as she was pretty darn sure he was being an oddball, but then his instant demeanor would change to happy, funny guy again.

tell her that she should listen to her inner gut.

and also - having been in abusive relationships, i can relate to what she is thinking but it's still very dysfunctional. it seems from what you wrote that "he is an oddball who can change his demeanor when he wants", and not "he is a really great guy who acts weird about movie popcorn". it's that kind of thinking that allows abused women to stay with their abusers. the whole "but he's really a great guy" syndrome

[gadget--gal]

they don't do refills in British cinemas as far as we are aware.

Some do

[ScubaGirl]

Thanks for the update. I think i like your friend

POD

[greencat]

On a first date, I tend to not say anything about behaviors I find extremely off-putting and red-flag waving like this - but I also do not go on a second date with the guy. 

The popcorn-scarfing and then preventing her from eating it speaks to me of an impulse control problem on his part, coupled with a tendency to project that problem onto others.

The three lessons I've learned related to dating and food:
Men who are in any way judgmental about what or how you eat are not good partners.
Having vastly different tastes in food can be a major source of conflict in a relationship - because it's an argument and/or resentment waiting to happen three or more times a day.
Even fairly minor mental issues related to food are generally a red flag for serious personality problems.

[Danika]

^^^ I agree with greencat

But beyond that, if someone is controlling and gatekeeping about what another person puts into their body, then they do not respect boundaries. In addition to telling you what to eat, they will scrutinize your clothing, your hair, your friends, your activities, how loud you breathe when you're congested, how often you cough if you have a cold, how you arrange your CDs and all kinds of things. Who wants to be in a relationship like that?

[cjeanies]

...she is looking forward to eating in front of him tonight, and she says she is going to order an extra portion of something  to see what he does .   I think when they are in the middle of a Nandos she is not going to be worried about keeping quiet this time.    Gah I wanna be a fly on the wall for this one!! 

I think you need to show up at Nandos with your video camera and sit a few tables away. For the safety of your friend and for the study of Science/Psychology. And to provide us with full details. 

I was just thinking this too!  Only in the name of research should she go out with him again and you and another friend need to observe. 

I think that men who are abusive are way better at hiding it on a first date.  And they usually can hide it for a long time.  It's how they end up with girlfriends and wives.  They don't start that stuff until the woman is sure she is with a nice guy.

I'm surprised there are people who aren't apalled with his behavior.  At the very least he is incredibly rude and clueless.  Heck,  I don't think I can even give him clueless, come to think of it, because he seemed consciously intent on breaking any reasonable social norms.  Creepy.

About the only innocent explanation I can come up with is that the popcorn was poisened, he was immune to it, and he could't tell her it was poisened because then the earth would implode. 

I'm looking forward to an update.
Abou

[Danika]

I think that men who are abusive are way better at hiding it on a first date.  And they usually can hide it for a long time.  It's how they end up with girlfriends and wives.  They don't start that stuff until the woman is sure she is with a nice guy.

When I was single and in the dating world, I found that once I was really hooked on a guy and finally convinced that he was great, that's when his true colors would show because he would figure I was hooked and then he could treat me however he wanted. Unfortunately, I dated a lot of emotionally abusive men. And I finally figured out a strategy that brought out their true colors sooner so I didn't waste months dating someone who ended up being a jerk. I would fake that I was way more into him than I really was, just to see what his true colors were.

About the only innocent explanation I can come up with is that the popcorn was poisened, he was immune to it, and he could't tell her it was poisened because then the earth would implode. 

When I read that he said "Leave it" I remembered some obscure `80s movie called Diner with Kevin Bacon. There's an inappropriate scene in the movie where on a date a guy puts something in the popcorn which is gross. I won't ruin it with details. But as I read the OP, I joked with myself that OP's friend's date ended up tainting the popcorn somehow and that's why he didn't want her to have it. I really doubt it, but it made me think of the movie.

[jedikaiti]

When I read that he said "Leave it" I remembered some obscure `80s movie called Diner with Kevin Bacon. There's an inappropriate scene in the movie where on a date a guy puts something in the popcorn which is gross. I won't ruin it with details. But as I read the OP, I joked with myself that OP's friend's date ended up tainting the popcorn somehow and that's why he didn't want her to have it. I really doubt it, but it made me think of the movie.

I am so glad I am not the only one who thought of that scene.

[Sophia]

... so I didn't waste months dating someone who ended up being a jerk. I would fake that I was way more into him than I really was, just to see what his true colors were...

I stumbled on a technique similar.  While in college, I met a guy at a friend's party.  He seemed really great.  I think we were going to talk on the back porch when my heel caught on a loose thread in the carpet and I tripped a little.  Someone watching would have thought I was very drunk.  I didn't actually fall, but while I was catching myself I happened to glimpse his face.  His face had this expression of "Score!  She is so drunk, she won't be able to say No."  It really upset me.  After that if I met a guy anywhere drinking was happening, I would engineer a little trip and look at his face.  Every other guy after that had a disappointed expression, and turned out to be nice, normal guys. 

[Bethalize]

If anything, its left her confused about the whole thing, as she was pretty darn sure he was being an oddball, but then his instant demeanor would change to happy, funny guy again.

tell her that she should listen to her inner gut.

and also - having been in abusive relationships, i can relate to what she is thinking but it's still very dysfunctional. it seems from what you wrote that "he is an oddball who can change his demeanor when he wants", and not "he is a really great guy who acts weird about movie popcorn". it's that kind of thinking that allows abused women to stay with their abusers. the whole "but he's really a great guy" syndrome

Applause for Cicero!

This post encapsulates what I think about so many of the times women I know started abusive relationships. I think that certain behaviours are unacceptable and if someone will do X then Y and Z are likely to follow and I won't give him the chance. They think "but he's a really great guy" and ignore the first incident and allow the second incident and cope with the third and manage the fourth and explain away the fifth and justify the sixth and blame themselves for the seventh and  on and on and on. I wish that the messages women internalised weren't  so much about "forgive everything" but were more about "If a person does a bad thing it shows you the kind of person they are."

[Emmy]

The 'nice' part of me is tempted to say give him another chance.  However, being older, more experienced, and a little bit jaded, my real advice would be to tell her to run.  First dates are when people are supposed to show you their best side.  When people show hints of a undesirable personality trait on the first few dates, this trait tends to come out more and more as the person gets comfortable with you.  This is true even if the person was otherwise nice, funny, and otherwise enjoyable.  Even if this guy is really nice, funny, and charming, it sounds as if being controlling is also a part of his personality.  The 'good' stuff does not negate the controlling.  If I cook an omelet with ten good eggs and one bad one, the omelet will still be bad.  In my experience, I find my first impression of situations like this are usually correct.  OP should go with her gut.

Although the popcorn itself is a small thing, the fact he wouldn't give the OP her popcorn during the movie and scolded her when she tried to take it is worrisome, especially on a first date.  If he felt comfortable behaving like that with somebody he barely knows and supposedly wanted to impress, how will he act when he gets more comfortable with somebody?

[Iris]

When I read that he said "Leave it" I remembered some obscure `80s movie called Diner with Kevin Bacon. There's an inappropriate scene in the movie where on a date a guy puts something in the popcorn which is gross. I won't ruin it with details. But as I read the OP, I joked with myself that OP's friend's date ended up tainting the popcorn somehow and that's why he didn't want her to have it. I really doubt it, but it made me think of the movie.

I am so glad I am not the only one who thought of that scene.

I don't know that movie as such, but if the scene you describe is what I think it is, then there are three naughty minded people on Ehell at least...

[weeblewobble]

Today I went to the movies with a man who held popcorn I purchased out of my reach, and griped at me when I took some... he's four. 

I was only able to wrestle control of the tub when I threatened the safety of his Red Vines.


The whole time we were watching Finding Nemo, I thought of this thread.

[pierrotlunaire0]

... so I didn't waste months dating someone who ended up being a jerk. I would fake that I was way more into him than I really was, just to see what his true colors were...

I stumbled on a technique similar.  While in college, I met a guy at a friend's party.  He seemed really great.  I think we were going to talk on the back porch when my heel caught on a loose thread in the carpet and I tripped a little.  Someone watching would have thought I was very drunk.  I didn't actually fall, but while I was catching myself I happened to glimpse his face.  His face had this expression of "Score!  She is so drunk, she won't be able to say No."  It really upset me.  After that if I met a guy anywhere drinking was happening, I would engineer a little trip and look at his face.  Every other guy after that had a disappointed expression, and turned out to be nice, normal guys.

These are so insightful.

[Raintree]

I keep checking to find out what happened on the second date. It's Saturday now. OP??