First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? more info 16 update pg 8, 10

[Allyson]

And then there's all those people who are 'not right for you' but  not nearly entertaining enough to post on the internet about! Nobody starts a thread about 'that pleasant fellow you shared a meal with, but decided to just be friends'.

[Carotte]

I don't like generalisation and blanket statements but I find it true that some women only go for jerks, be it because of their true nature or because they feel they are not worth better, sometime they do prefer jerks. 
I know it sounds absolutely stupid and head-hurting for those of us that don't feel that way (and are thankfully on the "I'm worth someone who treats me like I deserve to be treated - awesomely with a side of ice-cream" side), but there are people out there who are only happy if there is a problem, shouting match, arguments, cheating boyfriend and so on.
I see that in a friend of my family, who could fuel half this forum by herself with how her husband is treating her - but she's sound of mind and isn't trying to get out of this relashionship.
People are weird like that. Maybe she'll realise what's going on one day...

She was with a nice guy once, great guy even by her dating history, and well, it wasn't "challenging" enough I guess.
And I've even had the thought regarding some of my guy friends, that they are too nice for their own good. There's being nice and letting the other one walk all over you because you don't want to be a bother. So they'll mostly be single until they find the girl who's grown-up enough to know that a nice guy is worth everything.

[Sophia]

My theory is that women generally highlight the good side of the current boyfriend, and highlight the bad side of the past boyfriend.  So, if a guy hears a woman talk about previous boyfriends many of them will be described as "jerks".  Even if the only jerky thing he did was to dump her. 

[jedikaiti]

I don't like generalisation and blanket statements but I find it true that some women only go for jerks, be it because of their true nature or because they feel they are not worth better, sometime they do prefer jerks. 
I know it sounds absolutely stupid and head-hurting for those of us that don't feel that way (and are thankfully on the "I'm worth someone who treats me like I deserve to be treated - awesomely with a side of ice-cream" side), but there are people out there who are only happy if there is a problem, shouting match, arguments, cheating boyfriend and so on.
I see that in a friend of my family, who could fuel half this forum by herself with how her husband is treating her - but she's sound of mind and isn't trying to get out of this relashionship.
People are weird like that. Maybe she'll realise what's going on one day...

She was with a nice guy once, great guy even by her dating history, and well, it wasn't "challenging" enough I guess.
And I've even had the thought regarding some of my guy friends, that they are too nice for their own good. There's being nice and letting the other one walk all over you because you don't want to be a bother. So they'll mostly be single until they find the girl who's grown-up enough to know that a nice guy is worth everything.

I'm not sure if they're happy so much as convinced it's normal - if there's no/not enough drama, something MUST be wrong!

[Venus193]

A good friend of mine is convinced that there is no passion in a relationship if there is no drama.  I wish I had enough experience to refute that.

[Iris]

A good friend of mine is convinced that there is no passion in a relationship if there is no drama.  I wish I had enough experience to refute that.

DH believed that (so men suffer from it too). We broke up for a time because although he "really really liked me" he just didn't believe that he could be in love because he was able to lead a life independent from me at times  Luckily he came to his senses after seeing that although he knew I loved him I was still able to be fabulous after we broke up (small university community gives you the chance to really show your ex just how GREAT you are doing  ). Seeing that not everyone behaves like Bella flicked a switch in his head.

[Piratelvr1121]

Which I think is a good argument for saying that kids will watch their parent's marriage and it will shape their future interactions with their partners.

I grew up watching my parents fight a lot and I hated it and decided I would marry a gentle man without a temper and we would not fight like that.  Mind you, I figured there would be disagreements but not screaming fights.  And actually we don't, and DH doesn't have a temper, never raises voice except to make himself heard over a lot of noise. I actually have more of a temper than he does but I've got a long fuse on mine unless I'm tired or not feeling well which isn't often.

So I can see how, since people react to things in different ways, some people might think screaming is normal when fighting and if there is no screaming, there's something wrong. 

[Allyson]

I grew up watching my parents fight a lot and I hated it and decided I would marry a gentle man without a temper and we would not fight like that.  Mind you, I figured there would be disagreements but not screaming fights.  And actually we don't, and DH doesn't have a temper, never raises voice except to make himself heard over a lot of noise. I actually have more of a temper than he does but I've got a long fuse on mine unless I'm tired or not feeling well which isn't often.

That describes my upbringing and current relationship almost perfectly! I don't think I could ever be in a relationship with lots of 'fights' the way some people see them. It's definitely true that people are convinced all couples must fight, though. When I moved in with my boyfriend more than one person told me we'd start having fights soon after.

Some women are attracted to jerks, some guys are attracted to jerks, too (but they're usually called 'drama queens' ) I'm suspicious of anyone who has only bad things to say about all his/her exes, and casts themself in the victim role over and over. They often end up like 'popcorn guy' telling future partners all about their ex issues. None of which could possibly be even slightly their own responsibility...

[Auntie Mame]

Please tell me he's not also one of those self-described "Nice Guys" who complain that women aren't interested in him because they only go for jerks.

^^^ YES! The theme song of most of the emotionally abusive and manipulative men I've dated!

Men who say that are not nice guys.  They are closet jerks, emotionally manipulative, have no self esteem and have a very narrow definition of how a woman "should" behave.  Women won't put up with their nonsense so therefore all women are female dogs who only date jerks. 

[mbbored]

I have a colleague who I think is drifting into the last category. He's a nice guy, and really wants a girlfriend, but I have a feeling he's scaring off women by being too intense and focussed on that goal. Plus, he has trouble grasping that while *he* knows he's not a creepy stalker dude, the women he's chatting up don't, and he has to adapt his style so he doesn't give that impression, even if the motives behind his behaviour are innocent.

I've been out with this guy a few times over the past few months. For me he's usually a great match on paper (degree, career, owns a house, has a hobby) but seems to have a giant girlfriend sized hole in my life. When I ask about his travel interests, he talks about places he would go with a girlfriend. When I ask about what he likes to cook, he describes the dish he would make if he had a girlfriend over (interestingly enough always is sauteed veggies in a white wine sauce over whole wheat pasta.) They talk about how great their family is, and on the second date want to make plans to introduce me to his parents and can't wait to come home with me for Christmas.

The last one called my voicemail, heard my last name, looked me up on my university website and asked a buddy who works in a nearby building to walk over to my office and say hi for him. When I called him and said he was acting like a stalker, he laughed until he realized I was serious and tried to back track, saying I shouldn't dump him over a mistake when he was just trying to be romantic.

[Piratelvr1121]

It's interesting, two of my close girl friends had a good relationship with their father growing up but have been very unlucky with men.  One of them gave up on men when she was 23, back in 79 and has been single ever since.  Now she says the only man she has is the one in her imagination and he does whatever she wants him too! LOL!

The other is the one divorcing one of these "Nice Guys".  Interestingly, when we were in college, I was telling my roommate and her boyfriend about friend and her "Nice guy".  Roommate's BF (RBF) says "It won't last. Girls like her are attracted to jerks and she won't know what to do with a nice guy."  Now this  friend is real sweet, not a drama queen at all, but  she is just a  magnet for jerks,  it seems.

[greencat]

My most successful relationships thus far, as far as how I felt about myself and my general level of happiness, if not in longevity, have all been with guys who were actually nice.  Of course, the reason why some of those were not very long is that when both parties in a relationship are nice and drama free, you break up when you aren't right for each other, instead of dragging it out for whatever bad reasons you do when you're in a relationship with someone who isn't really nice.

Some of my worst relationships have been with guys who referred to themselves as a-holes.  I only went through one relationship and one fling before I made it a rule not to date guys who were awful enough that they were actually aware of it.

However, my longest worst relationship was with a guy who espoused just about every non-abuse bad boyfriend trait - the slob who wanted to only be with the supermodel, the mama's boy, the "nice sensitive guy" who was really just a whiny codependent, etc.

I keep wanting to poke the one I've got now to make sure he's actually real, because he's nice without being a doormat.

[cjeanies]

  Now this  friend is real sweet, not a drama queen at all, but  she is just a  magnet for jerks,  it seems.

I think a lot of the 'magnets for jerks'  are the type of people who see the good in everyone, give everyone the benefit of the doubt type people.  I don't think those types like the drama of being in a bad relationship as a pp suggested.. 

[Ceallach]

yeah, sometimes the things I read here make me too scared to get out there and date at all.  But then I remind myself that few people will post just to say how awesome their SO is as there is no etiquette dilemma there 

I'll also chime in that DF is pretty awesome.  He's not perfect, but the little things haven't been enough to be deal-breakers.  There actually have been several etiquette dilemmas, but I find I can figure those ones out myself and work them out with him.

So true.   I sometimes look at divorce rates and despair, but then when I look around me I realise I actually know heaps of really, genuinely happy couples.   They just slip under the radar because they're busy happily getting on with life!    Whereas those I know who are in unhappy relationships or who are unhappy with their relationship status have a lot to share and need a lot of support, so they just seem more prevalent.

When I met DH I honestly kept thinking "Ok, that moment will come when it falls apart" and it blew my mind that the relationship kept getting better and better every year instead.   8.5 years now and I still go "but surely everybody hits that point.... right?"   But I'm not sure that it will, because everytime something isn't working for one of us (e.g. not enough attention or quality time, one of being too messy or too stressed), we fix it.  And then things are awesome again.  So I guess it would take something pretty big and unfixable to break us.   Maybe having kids will do it!   But I do think I am lucky because I actually found one of those genuinely nice guys that girls *do* overlook - because they weren't looking at the mountain bike track!    Which was one of the very boy-focused hobbies he was busy with. He didn't really date at all although he'd had 1 girlfriend before me.   He started working with somebody I knew who invited him out one night, I snapped him up the second I met him and the rest is history.  Now many of my friends are jealous because he's just such a great husband (cooks, cleans, earns a good salary, is loving and kind, handyman extraordinaire, and also is very adaptable and accepting - he has supported me through lots of life's little dramas).    But you really just don't find that type of guy hanging around in nightclubs.    But they do exist.

[Piratelvr1121]

  Now this  friend is real sweet, not a drama queen at all, but  she is just a  magnet for jerks,  it seems.

I think a lot of the 'magnets for jerks'  are the type of people who see the good in everyone, give everyone the benefit of the doubt type people.  I don't think those types like the drama of being in a bad relationship as a pp suggested..

I agree, more often than not it seems like the ones that attract jerks are either the ones that either have a hard time saying "Sorry not interested" or they're the sort that think they can fix the guy.  Least from what I know of with my friends.