Author Topic: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? more info 16 update pg 8, 10  (Read 46613 times)

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stargazer

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? more info 16 update pg 8, 10
« Reply #270 on: September 26, 2012, 10:47:26 PM »
Please tell me he's not also one of those self-described "Nice Guys" who complain that women aren't interested in him because they only go for jerks.

^^^ YES! The theme song of most of the emotionally abusive and manipulative men I've dated!

Men who say that are not nice guys.  They are closet jerks, emotionally manipulative, have no self esteem and have a very narrow definition of how a woman "should" behave.  Women won't put up with their nonsense so therefore all women are female dogs who only date jerks.

Often, but not always.  My DH used to say that to me when we first started dating, and it was more that was really into me and anxious to let me know he was a nice guy, no "" around it.  I had to break him of it a bit and explain why women would not normally take to a guy saying that - that is usually means the opposite.  He was a bit shocked, but he was also sheltered a bit and a big time geek who focused on his work and not social interactions as much until after we started dating.

icfrugal2

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And for those who've mostly met this kind while running or at the gym - they come in another flavor - the overweight slovenly type who thinks he should be dating a supermodel.  I had gone from 30 pounds underweight to right in the middle of my ideal weight range, while my ex had gone from 30 overweight to double his recommended weight.  He had the audacity to comment on my weight gain!
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10/9/12

That is so funny, when I was 17 I dated this guy and I was a little chunky, looking back of course it was just nothing.

Anyway we broke up and 10 years later I contacted him, now at 27 I had lost weight, not that I had been fat before, and I was looking good.

So he asked me what I looked like, and I told him etc.

So he comes to pick me up for our date................................................What he had not told me is that he had gained, at least 150 pounds. LOL

He was my first love and we did go out for a while but it didn't work out. Not because of weight issues.

But I did love that he had to make sure that I looked good LOL
 
IC 

grannyclampettjr

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Yeah I don't trust guys who say that.

It's a sketchy litmus test. When I first started dating my DH, he said that to me that "women don't like nice guys. They're only attracted to jerks." It set off all alarms in my head, but we'd known each other for years and so I took a chance dating him anyway. He's fantastic and we've been married nearly 10 years now. So there are some nice guys out there who subscribe to this too, but most jerks use the line to gain sympathy.

I've found that there are people (men and women) who are really nice, and make great partners/spouses when matched with the right person, but who have real trouble *finding* that right person. Some are shy or a bit awkward, or late social bloomers, some need someone who 'gets' them and their outlook on life. Some are simply unique people who fall outside what is considered mainstream and desirable in a partner in more external things, but are great in the more internal things (commitment, treating someone right, responsibility). Geeky girls and effeminate straight men, for example, can have a hard time on the dating scene.

Then there are the guys who *aren't* nice. They think they're such an amazing catch that women should be falling all over themselves to be with them, and when that doesn't happen (usually to one or more whopping flaws) it's obviously the fault of those witches.

And there's an intermediate stage. Guys who are reasonable nice guys, maybe with a few quirks. But they have bad dating skills, and scare off women who would actually be interested in the person behind it. So they get angry and disillusioned because they don't understand why they aren't succeeding.

I have a colleague who I think is drifting into the last category. He's a nice guy, and really wants a girlfriend, but I have a feeling he's scaring off women by being too intense and focussed on that goal. Plus, he has trouble grasping that while *he* knows he's not a creepy stalker dude, the women he's chatting up don't, and he has to adapt his style so he doesn't give that impression, even if the motives behind his behaviour are innocent.

Here's the deal...I'm a conventionally attractive, pleasant, responsible, intelligent, funny woman.  And I've had trouble finding the right one.  Not because there is something secretly wrong with me, but because it's hard for everybody.  If there is a trait that some people have that make it extra hard, and make them extra unattractive, it's the notion that it's easy for everybody else.   

The only person I know who had it easy was an ex bosses mother who was sitting in a diner with her girlfriend back in the 40s as a teenager, saw a gorgeous young man walk in the door, and said to her friend "that's the man I'm going to marry."  Fast forward to now...still happily married, and he's still gorgeous, with the most michevious, twinkly eyes I've ever seen. <3

TurtleDove

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Here's the deal...I'm a conventionally attractive, pleasant, responsible, intelligent, funny woman.  And I've had trouble finding the right one.  Not because there is something secretly wrong with me, but because it's hard for everybody.  If there is a trait that some people have that make it extra hard, and make them extra unattractive, it's the notion that it's easy for everybody else.   

Good post, especially the bolded!  I am approaching 40, as are my high school and college friends.  Several of them lament that they have never married and will not likely ever have children and that some people are just so lucky.  While I am not diminishing their pain, several in our circle have lost spouses to death or divorce, or children to tragedy - far from "lucky."  It makes no sense to ever compare your struggles with anyone else's!

Ceallach

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? more info 16 update pg 8, 10
« Reply #274 on: November 02, 2012, 12:26:47 AM »
Here's the deal...I'm a conventionally attractive, pleasant, responsible, intelligent, funny woman.  And I've had trouble finding the right one.  Not because there is something secretly wrong with me, but because it's hard for everybody.  If there is a trait that some people have that make it extra hard, and make them extra unattractive, it's the notion that it's easy for everybody else.   

The only person I know who had it easy was an ex bosses mother who was sitting in a diner with her girlfriend back in the 40s as a teenager, saw a gorgeous young man walk in the door, and said to her friend "that's the man I'm going to marry."  Fast forward to now...still happily married, and he's still gorgeous, with the most michevious, twinkly eyes I've ever seen. <3

I don't know if it's hard for everybody, I've known a lot of couples who just fall together seamlessly.   

In fact, I have to admit that a number of happy marriages I know of started off as "one night stands" between two friends or acquaintances who had otherwise never considered each in that way.    They hookup, become immediately inseparable, and the rest is history.  Honestly I'd never have believed it if I hadn't seen it for myself on multiple occasions!   Whereas the people I know who obsessively date and put lots of effort into "playing the game" seem to really struggle. I wonder if it's something to do with being genuine and open when they're caught off guard, rather than being too caught up in the details of who exactly they're looking for.   I don't know.  All I know is I was introduced to my husband in a pub by mutual friends when I was 19 (nearly a decade ago) and we've been increasingly happy every year since then.  So I guess I probably had it easy in many ways too!

But I agree there are a lot of people who would like to be in relationships but aren't, and any type of negative attitude about it doesn't help matters.   It is hard for a lot of people.  I know many awesome people who are looking and just haven't met the right match yet.  I know one friend who has a giant chip on her shoulder about it which serves as an obstacle to any new prospects she does meet.  But there's no easy way to tell her that!
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


girlysprite

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Re: First Date Popcorn Hoarding? What do you think? more info 16 update pg 8, 10
« Reply #275 on: November 09, 2012, 04:45:28 AM »
Maybe it's harder when 'you're looking for it'. When you start building contacts with people with the sole purpose to build a relationship (and thus often end up breaking the contact if it doesn't work out) it wears you out faster, and puts a lot more strain on the budding contact. You don't want to waste too much time on something that doesn't work out, which means that you and the potential partner have to work much harder to impress the other.
Sadly, just 'stop dating' doesn't always work out either. Especially as people get older they meet fewer new people on a regular basis, and many of their age group are hooked up already, which decreases the chance of spontanious romantic contact.

So I can kind of understand that those in the active dating scene are frustrated at times about how hard it can be. I haven't even dated in that sense in my life before, and to be honest, I hope I never have to!