Depressing...

[StaciNadia]

So, poor Mom is still pining for her ex-boyfriend.  If I'm sleeping when she calls (FI and I work from 4pm to 11pm/1am, stay up till 5/6am, and wake up at 2pm--Mom knows this), she gets mad when I don't want to talk because I need rest for work.  She tries to talk about other things briefly, like today, I asked her if she could give me the address and phone number for Nana's (her mother, my grandmother) old friend so I could invite her to the wedding.  Then she sighs and says, "Oh, you don't want to talk about it..."  Well, no, I don't, but I'm sympathetic and a big sucker for punishment.  And then she says she's so lonely, and can't I just pray for them to get back together.  I really wish I could, but I CAN'T.  I gave him a chance, liked him, and then he betrayed the trust I had in him by telling another girl he loved her while still with my mother.  I would've understood and wished him well if he broke it off with my mother before this.  Though I understand she would've had a hard time with it anyways.

But anyways, she's giving me all kinds of threats and hanging up.  Last week, she said she wouldn't give me a thing in her will and will donate the house to the Humane Society.  Last time, she said I'd go to heck (um, I don't say curse words, not even the name of this site--please don't laugh!    ).  Today, she said she wouldn't go to my wedding because I wouldn't wish her well, so she won't wish me well, either.  Now, this isn't new behavior for her.  She's certainly no stranger to saying terrible things to me, and then acting normal next time.  But I don't like it.  I never have.  Heck, she still occasionally brings up how I knew my grandmother sold her china (my mother was to get it after she died) and I betrayed her.  Yes, I'm sorry I did that, but let's just say that my relationship with Mom is perfect compared to her and Nana's...  My grandmother didn't want her to have it anymore.

I'm babbling here...  I'm sorry.

Anyways, I know I should give her an ultimatum because I don't want to be treated like that and don't deserve it, but she's all alone, and I don't have the heart to do it.  All she has is me and her dogs.  How do I deal with this?

[Virg]

I've always been a "family first" guy, and I know it's really tough when something like this happens, so you have my sympathies.  But...(here it comes)...she has only you and her dogs, and she's driving you away with her own actions, so I suspect I know why she only has you and her dogs.  Since the situation is quickly turning sour on you, it's high time to lay down that ultimatum.  In the end, people like this will take whatever you're willing to give and always ask for more.  There's no end to the tunnel or bottom to the well, so to speak.  So, you have to do what you must to keep yourself sane and healthy and happy, and don't let guilt pull you down.  It's tough, I know.  I just went through this with my grandmother, but you have to draw the line because she never will.

Take a deep breath and tell yourself that you love her, you didn't betray her, you want her to be happy, but you're not willing to dispose of yourself to see it done.  If she's going to donate the house, tell her that it's good that the money will be going to a good cause and don't expect anything more.  If she tells you you're going "south" for your afterlife, simply ignore it (your own head will warn you if it's true).  If she says she's going to skip your wedding, tell her you'll miss her terribly and will send her lots of pictures.

She's your mother, but she's also an adult.  Loving relationships are a two-way street, and if you don't put your foot down you'll never have a relationship that's worth anything.

Virg

[goblue2539]

You deal with it by being sympathetic without being the victim.  Your mother's feelings are not your responsibility.  It hurts and it's hard and I don't have a single idea of how to make it easy, but you've got to build some walls.  

Next time she gives you an ultimatum, let her follow through.  

Mom: If you won't pray for me to get back together with Slimeball you don't love me!  I'm not coming to your wedding!
You: I'm really sorry to hear that.  I'll miss you. *click*

Mom: I'm giving the house to the Humane Society!  You don't love me enough to deserve it.
You: You have to do what feels right for you.  I'm sure they'll appreciate it. *click*

Mom: You let my mother sell her china!
You: I'm sorry you think I'd have been able to stop her. *click*

Notice a pattern?  Don't let her do this to you.  I spent so many years listening to my father blame me, my mom, his mom, his other ex, his brother, his boss, the governor, etc. for what had happened in his life.  I finally realized that he was responsible for his actions and reactions.  It still hurts to this day, but I still believe I'm better for cutting him off.  Which he says is all my stepmom's fault.  Go figure.  

Focus on the good in your life.  Focus on the future.  Put yourself first.  **hugs**

p.s. And all that stuff Virg said too.  Looks like he and I are on the same wavelength here.

[Clara Bow]

Tell her in no uncertain terms to back off and stop with the abuse. Because her behavior is abusive.
If she threatens you, say "I'm sorry you feel that way Momma. I'll talk to you later when you're feeling a little better. Bye." Just cut it off completely and do not let her worm her way in on you. Turn the ringer off on your phone when you're sleeping and make no apologies for it. You have the right to get your rest, and you have the right to be treated decently. Your mother is being a horse's rear and you do not have to take it. So don't. And once she gets the idea that you're not interested in her Academy Award auditions, she will back off.

[kckgirl]

Take a deep breath and tell yourself that you love her, you didn't betray her, you want her to be happy, but you're not willing to dispose of yourself to see it done.  If she's going to donate the house, tell her that it's good that the money will be going to a good cause and don't expect anything more.  If she tells you you're going "south" for your afterlife, simply ignore it (your own head will warn you if it's true).  If she says she's going to skip your wedding, tell her you'll miss her terribly and will send her lots of pictures.

She's your mother, but she's also an adult.  Loving relationships are a two-way street, and if you don't put your foot down you'll never have a relationship that's worth anything.

Amen to what Virg said!

[StaciNadia]

We just had several more conversations ending in boyfriend discussions.  One, I just kept repeating "I don't want to hear about it" over and over and over.  And the other, I just blew my top again and yelled back at her how I thought he was bad for her and she could do better and why oh why does she want him back.  She doesn't listen to all the things he did that was bad for their relationship.  She just doesn't want to be alone, and she's so desperate.  I mean, he's with another girl and he got her pregnant.  Granted, he hates kids and never wanted them, but maybe it'd be different with his own.

I always feel so guilty when I got off the phone.  My own head doesn't tell me if I'm going to heck or not, but there are so many regrets...  How I didn't realize what all my grandfather did for me and did in general till long after he was dead.  How I fought with Nana the last time we saw each other and spoke on the phone.  How I didn't realize one of our sweet stray kitties was really dying and I didn't stay with her and probably didn't make it to her till after she did.  Can I beat myself over the head with a clue-by-four?   

I wish I didn't get so heated when I talk to Mom.  How do you guys manage to stay so level-headed?   

[goblue2539]

I wish I didn't get so heated when I talk to Mom.  How do you guys manage to stay so level-headed?   

Cause it's not our lives.  It's a lot easier to sit back and see what to do when your (general) emotions aren't involved.  Just know that we're here for you.  And I'm sure you have plenty of people ready to support you IRL too.

[Tabris]

One, I just kept repeating "I don't want to hear about it" over and over and over.  And the other, I just blew my top again and yelled back at her

No, no, no. When you say "I don't want to hear about it" that's one time. Every time after that when you say, "I don't want to talk about it," you're still talking about it.

"I don't want to talk about it" is fine once. And then, change the subject. If she tries to talk about it, get off the phone because you've already told her you don't want to talk about it and you aren't going to talk about it again.

About praying she gets back together with the guy--surely you know the oldest standby in the book??? "God, may your holy will be done as concerns the situation between my mother and two-timer."  This covers all your bases. Your mother will think you've prayed for what she wants, you'll know you didn't, and God will bless the situation as God sees fit.

[housewife2k]

"Mom, I love you, I am sorry you are upset, and I will pray for WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU." lather rinse repeat.

[JoyinVirginia]

Staci,
My mother is 86, last child living from her family. She STILL talks about how much she misses her sisters and how close they were and how whatever they did was so great... Three of my aunts and my mother argued repeatedly and continually. My cousins agree with me, one of mom's elderly cousins who died last year agreed with me, so it is not my imagination. They fought VICIOUSLY. So much so my dad would not come into the room with my Aunt Mary in it.
When my mother talks about how much she misses her sisters and how much they loved each other, I WANT to yell at her "They were mean to you! You fought all the time then CALLED ME to complain about your sisters! I am GLAD they are gone! GLAD, i tell you!" I have yelled that at her more than once, when I just couldn't take it any more!

Most of the time, I remain calm by thinking about something else, even reading something when she is talking to me, and responding with that old stand-by, "Um-Hmmm". "Is that so?" "Hmmmm." "Really."
Other than that I recommend unplugging the phone or turning off the ringer and using the answering machine when you are sleeping.

Also - do NOT expect your mom to change. Counseling helped ME to understand better how to respond to her, so I wouldn't be driven completely nuts. BEst wishes, dysfunctional mothers are NOT fun!
Joy in Virginia
 

[blue2000]

Staci,
My mother is 86, last child living from her family. She STILL talks about how much she misses her sisters and how close they were and how whatever they did was so great... Three of my aunts and my mother argued repeatedly and continually. My cousins agree with me, one of mom's elderly cousins who died last year agreed with me, so it is not my imagination. They fought VICIOUSLY. So much so my dad would not come into the room with my Aunt Mary in it.
When my mother talks about how much she misses her sisters and how much they loved each other, I WANT to yell at her "They were mean to you! You fought all the time then CALLED ME to complain about your sisters! I am GLAD they are gone! GLAD, i tell you!" I have yelled that at her more than once, when I just couldn't take it any more!

Joy in Virginia
 

<snicker> This reminds me of my mother and her father. He became ill, and couldn't live alone anymore.
My uncles started looking into permanent nursing homes.

My mother was furious. How dare they! Grandpa didn't want to live in a home! One of his children should take him in! She made a lot of pointed remarks about neglecting him, and not respecting his wishes.
Unfortunately, his children (including her) couldn't stand him. She just didn't want to admit it.

The whole debate ended when the uncles told her if she didn't want him in a home, she would have to take him. She didn't say a word after that.

[Slartibartfast]

Staci -

Your mom needs you more than you need her.  You realize that, right?  And you realize that by letting her continue to act as she has been, you're enabling her to have "just you and her dogs" for companionship?  You need to lay down boundaries, NOW, and I promise your mother will learn to live with them.

There is a fine line between "being there" for someone and being "used" as a verbal rubbish receptacle.  If there is something you don't want to talk about, say that once and then hang up if the topic comes up again.  Your mom WILL learn that if she wants to talk to you, she can't keep talking about things you don't want to deal with.  Likewise, she threatens unrealistic things (like giving away the house) because at least part of her realizes you're the one with the power in this relationship - if you chose to walk away, it wouldn't bother you a bit.  She threatens things to feel in control.  Treat these empty threats as just that - empty.  And hang up on her when she makes them.  She'll learn not to bluster and threaten anymore.

Just in general, decide exactly how much you want to "be there" for your mom, and go no further than that.  She is an adult, capable of making her own choices, and her bad moods are not your responsibility.

[StaciNadia]

I've always been a "family first" guy, and I know it's really tough when something like this happens, so you have my sympathies.  But...(here it comes)...she has only you and her dogs, and she's driving you away with her own actions, so I suspect I know why she only has you and her dogs.  Since the situation is quickly turning sour on you, it's high time to lay down that ultimatum.  In the end, people like this will take whatever you're willing to give and always ask for more.  There's no end to the tunnel or bottom to the well, so to speak.  So, you have to do what you must to keep yourself sane and healthy and happy, and don't let guilt pull you down.  It's tough, I know.  I just went through this with my grandmother, but you have to draw the line because she never will.

She has some work friends that she talks to (and doesn't admit she has a daughter to   ), but it doesn't go beyond work.  She doesn't really trust people.  Meanwhile, I have a group of friends that I "met" online ten years ago, and we've become like family, and have meet-ups every so often.  These are people who, when we were having money problems because of no job, gave or loaned us some money, or commissioned and paid us.  I love them, and all my friends, and I'm sad that Mom doesn't have that for herself.

No, no, no. When you say "I don't want to hear about it" that's one time. Every time after that when you say, "I don't want to talk about it," you're still talking about it

Head, meet clue-by-four!  You're absolutely right!  I'll just try to change the subject.

About praying she gets back together with the guy--surely you know the oldest standby in the book??? "God, may your holy will be done as concerns the situation between my mother and two-timer."  This covers all your bases. Your mother will think you've prayed for what she wants, you'll know you didn't, and God will bless the situation as God sees fit.

No, I didn't know about it, but I do now!  But I think she'll ask me if I specifically asked for her and exboyfriend to get back together.  She always wants to know specifically what I say.

I haven't prayed in a long time, though.  I'd be sending her good wishes...

Staci,
My mother is 86, last child living from her family. She STILL talks about how much she misses her sisters and how close they were and how whatever they did was so great... Three of my aunts and my mother argued repeatedly and continually. My cousins agree with me, one of mom's elderly cousins who died last year agreed with me, so it is not my imagination. They fought VICIOUSLY. So much so my dad would not come into the room with my Aunt Mary in it.
When my mother talks about how much she misses her sisters and how much they loved each other, I WANT to yell at her "They were mean to you! You fought all the time then CALLED ME to complain about your sisters! I am GLAD they are gone! GLAD, i tell you!" I have yelled that at her more than once, when I just couldn't take it any more!

Most of the time, I remain calm by thinking about something else, even reading something when she is talking to me, and responding with that old stand-by, "Um-Hmmm". "Is that so?" "Hmmmm." "Really."

Maybe they really did love each other despite the yelling and fighting?  I know Mom and Nana did...

Staci -

Your mom needs you more than you need her.  You realize that, right?  And you realize that by letting her continue to act as she has been, you're enabling her to have "just you and her dogs" for companionship?  You need to lay down boundaries, NOW, and I promise your mother will learn to live with them.

There is a fine line between "being there" for someone and being "used" as a verbal rubbish receptacle.  If there is something you don't want to talk about, say that once and then hang up if the topic comes up again.  Your mom WILL learn that if she wants to talk to you, she can't keep talking about things you don't want to deal with.  Likewise, she threatens unrealistic things (like giving away the house) because at least part of her realizes you're the one with the power in this relationship - if you chose to walk away, it wouldn't bother you a bit.  She threatens things to feel in control.  Treat these empty threats as just that - empty.  And hang up on her when she makes them.  She'll learn not to bluster and threaten anymore.

Just in general, decide exactly how much you want to "be there" for your mom, and go no further than that.  She is an adult, capable of making her own choices, and her bad moods are not your responsibility.

I'm a very guilty person, and I know I would feel terrible if I walked away...  I'd wonder if I did the right thing forever.  She has power over me because she's my mom  Sigh...

I know, you all are right...  I'm just scared to betray her...

[amiboo]

I'm sad that Mom doesn't have that for herself.

It's understandable that you feel sad that she's so alone but remember that it's a result of the life that she has made for herself.  It's not your fault, you didn't create it and you can't change it.  You are not responsible for her happiness!

I'll just try to change the subject.

It's certainly worth a try but don't be surprised if it doesn't work.  Everything up till now has taught her that you are a dumping ground for all her crap.  You will have to teach her that you aren't joking when you say you aren't going to listen to it anymore.  "I don't want to hear about it and if you keep bringing it up I will hang up"  Try to change the subject and give her a warning but it will take some time, and some hang ups, before she realizes you're serious.

She always wants to know specifically what I say.

She wants to know the exact wording of your prayers?!!?  A prayer is a private conversation between you and God, it is *none* of anyones business.  No one with any respect for you would demand to know what you say in your prayers.


Quote Slartibartfast
You need to lay down boundaries, NOW, and I promise your mother will learn to live with them.

There is a fine line between "being there" for someone and being "used" as a verbal rubbish receptacle.  If there is something you don't want to talk about, say that once and then hang up if the topic comes up again.  Your mom WILL learn that if she wants to talk to you, she can't keep talking about things you don't want to deal with. 

Just in general, decide exactly how much you want to "be there" for your mom, and go no further than that.  She is an adult, capable of making her own choices, and her bad moods are not your responsibility.

Slartibartfast is totally right on here.  You must, as an adult, establish boundries and demand her respect or things will never, ever change.  She will be very upset when she see's that you are changing and she'll turn on the guilt big time!  You'll have to be strong and stick it out, she *will* learn if you're consistent and *don't back down!*

I'm a very guilty person, and I know I would feel terrible if I walked away...  I'd wonder if I did the right thing forever.  She has power over me because she's my mom  Sigh...

I know, you all are right...  I'm just scared to betray her...

You feel guilty because she has betrayed you and made you feel responsiblity for things that you are not responsible for.  It's unlikely that you would have to walk away forever, once she sees that you're serious about the boundries that you establish, she'll change the way she is with you.  She'll still bring things up but when you say, no I won't talk about that, she'll believe you.  You are not betraying her by refusing to be her doormat!!

One truth that I believe with all my heart is that you teach people how to treat you.  Think about what you have taught her and what you would like to teach her.  You have to teach your mother to teach you with respect.  If you don't change, your situation will never change and I don't think you want that. 

Good luck and God bless!  I have personal, intimate knowledge of this sort of situation and it's no fun for anyone. 

[oogyda]

You've already been given some great advice and I can only tell you what I did in a similar situation with my mother.  The similarity being GUILT.

At some point in my adult life, I recognized that M often "guilted" me into doing things.  While I rarely minded actually doing those things, I despised the *way* she got me to do them.  Or rather the way it made me feel about myself.

After long thought and consideration, I realized that I could not change her but I could change the way I reacted.  A simple example:

I was visiting and we were expecting guests (friends of hers and mine).  Mom kept mentioning the carpets and how they needed vacuuming and she just wouldn't have time.  My old way of reacting would have been to jump up and vacuum.  This time I listened and was very neutral in my responses until I finally asked her "Mom, would you like me to vacuum?" 
M - "Well, yes."
Me - in a cheerful tone "All you had to do was ask." and I vacuumed

It took a little while, but she did learn to ask instead of "hint".  That's when I realized that we all have these little "dances" with loved ones.  Certain ways of doing things with the same results.  All you have to do is change one step in that dance and it becomes a whole new dance.  If you change one step, her next step will have to be different, too.  Just keep changing the steps.