General Etiquette > Family and Children

Depressing...

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StaciNadia:
So, poor Mom is still pining for her ex-boyfriend.  If I'm sleeping when she calls (FI and I work from 4pm to 11pm/1am, stay up till 5/6am, and wake up at 2pm--Mom knows this), she gets mad when I don't want to talk because I need rest for work.  She tries to talk about other things briefly, like today, I asked her if she could give me the address and phone number for Nana's (her mother, my grandmother) old friend so I could invite her to the wedding.  Then she sighs and says, "Oh, you don't want to talk about it..."  Well, no, I don't, but I'm sympathetic and a big sucker for punishment.  And then she says she's so lonely, and can't I just pray for them to get back together.  I really wish I could, but I CAN'T.  I gave him a chance, liked him, and then he betrayed the trust I had in him by telling another girl he loved her while still with my mother.  I would've understood and wished him well if he broke it off with my mother before this.  Though I understand she would've had a hard time with it anyways.

But anyways, she's giving me all kinds of threats and hanging up.  Last week, she said she wouldn't give me a thing in her will and will donate the house to the Humane Society.  Last time, she said I'd go to heck (um, I don't say curse words, not even the name of this site--please don't laugh!   :'( ).  Today, she said she wouldn't go to my wedding because I wouldn't wish her well, so she won't wish me well, either.  Now, this isn't new behavior for her.  She's certainly no stranger to saying terrible things to me, and then acting normal next time.  But I don't like it.  I never have.  Heck, she still occasionally brings up how I knew my grandmother sold her china (my mother was to get it after she died) and I betrayed her.  Yes, I'm sorry I did that, but let's just say that my relationship with Mom is perfect compared to her and Nana's...  My grandmother didn't want her to have it anymore.

I'm babbling here...  I'm sorry.

Anyways, I know I should give her an ultimatum because I don't want to be treated like that and don't deserve it, but she's all alone, and I don't have the heart to do it.  All she has is me and her dogs.  How do I deal with this?

Virg:
I've always been a "family first" guy, and I know it's really tough when something like this happens, so you have my sympathies.  But...(here it comes)...she has only you and her dogs, and she's driving you away with her own actions, so I suspect I know why she only has you and her dogs.  Since the situation is quickly turning sour on you, it's high time to lay down that ultimatum.  In the end, people like this will take whatever you're willing to give and always ask for more.  There's no end to the tunnel or bottom to the well, so to speak.  So, you have to do what you must to keep yourself sane and healthy and happy, and don't let guilt pull you down.  It's tough, I know.  I just went through this with my grandmother, but you have to draw the line because she never will.

Take a deep breath and tell yourself that you love her, you didn't betray her, you want her to be happy, but you're not willing to dispose of yourself to see it done.  If she's going to donate the house, tell her that it's good that the money will be going to a good cause and don't expect anything more.  If she tells you you're going "south" for your afterlife, simply ignore it (your own head will warn you if it's true).  If she says she's going to skip your wedding, tell her you'll miss her terribly and will send her lots of pictures.

She's your mother, but she's also an adult.  Loving relationships are a two-way street, and if you don't put your foot down you'll never have a relationship that's worth anything.

Virg

goblue2539:
You deal with it by being sympathetic without being the victim.  Your mother's feelings are not your responsibility.  It hurts and it's hard and I don't have a single idea of how to make it easy, but you've got to build some walls.  

Next time she gives you an ultimatum, let her follow through.  

Mom: If you won't pray for me to get back together with Slimeball you don't love me!  I'm not coming to your wedding!
You: I'm really sorry to hear that.  I'll miss you. *click*

Mom: I'm giving the house to the Humane Society!  You don't love me enough to deserve it.
You: You have to do what feels right for you.  I'm sure they'll appreciate it. *click*

Mom: You let my mother sell her china!
You: I'm sorry you think I'd have been able to stop her. *click*

Notice a pattern?  Don't let her do this to you.  I spent so many years listening to my father blame me, my mom, his mom, his other ex, his brother, his boss, the governor, etc. for what had happened in his life.  I finally realized that he was responsible for his actions and reactions.  It still hurts to this day, but I still believe I'm better for cutting him off.  Which he says is all my stepmom's fault.  Go figure.  

Focus on the good in your life.  Focus on the future.  Put yourself first.  **hugs**

p.s. And all that stuff Virg said too.  Looks like he and I are on the same wavelength here.

Clara Bow:
Tell her in no uncertain terms to back off and stop with the abuse. Because her behavior is abusive.
If she threatens you, say "I'm sorry you feel that way Momma. I'll talk to you later when you're feeling a little better. Bye." Just cut it off completely and do not let her worm her way in on you. Turn the ringer off on your phone when you're sleeping and make no apologies for it. You have the right to get your rest, and you have the right to be treated decently. Your mother is being a horse's rear and you do not have to take it. So don't. And once she gets the idea that you're not interested in her Academy Award auditions, she will back off.

kckgirl:

--- Quote from: Virg on January 05, 2007, 04:37:21 PM ---Take a deep breath and tell yourself that you love her, you didn't betray her, you want her to be happy, but you're not willing to dispose of yourself to see it done.  If she's going to donate the house, tell her that it's good that the money will be going to a good cause and don't expect anything more.  If she tells you you're going "south" for your afterlife, simply ignore it (your own head will warn you if it's true).  If she says she's going to skip your wedding, tell her you'll miss her terribly and will send her lots of pictures.

She's your mother, but she's also an adult.  Loving relationships are a two-way street, and if you don't put your foot down you'll never have a relationship that's worth anything.

--- End quote ---

Amen to what Virg said!

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