Author Topic: Is it OK for me to ask?  (Read 3074 times)

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MamaMootz

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Is it OK for me to ask?
« on: September 13, 2012, 08:32:21 PM »
Two of my former co-workers (Amy and Mary) want to come and meet me for lunch this weekend. I'm very excited and happy for them to be making the drive. The issue is that they didn't invite 3rd former co worker (Bea) to come with them.

I think the reason for this is either a) they didn't think of it or b) it's because Amy and Mary are close but not very close to Bea. The thing is, out of all the people I used to work with, I was closest to Bea. Amy and Bea don't always get along and there is some animosity on both sides.

I would like to include Bea in the invitation because I know she doesn't have any family or many friends in the area. Do you think I should ask Amy and Mary if we can include her? Or, since because the lunch meeting was Mary's idea, if I should just not say anything at all? I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable but I also don't want to leave Bea out. I think she'd be hurt if she heard about it but knew she wasn't included.
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HorseFreak

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Re: Is it OK for me to ask?
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2012, 08:42:23 PM »
I wouldn't try to invite someone that one of the participants doesn't get along with. It's just awkward for Amy and she may not enjoy herself with Bea present. Could you invite Bea out to lunch just yourself at another time?

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Is it OK for me to ask?
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2012, 08:43:46 PM »
I think you should invite Bea to something on her own, since she and Amy don't get along.  I think you would put Amy in a very awkward spot, especially if Bea expects to ride with Amy and Mary.
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JenJay

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Re: Is it OK for me to ask?
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2012, 08:53:00 PM »
If they called and asked to come have lunch with you I don't think you can ask them to invite anyone else, sorry.  :-\

If you hear from Bea and she mentions it say "Yes, it was so sweet of them to come see me! Speaking of, I'd love to see YOU! How can we make that happen?" It wouldn't be fair for Bea to blame you for the lack of invite and I hope she doesn't.

Chickadee

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Re: Is it OK for me to ask?
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2012, 08:53:44 PM »
It sounds like Amy and Mary initiated the luncheon, so in this case I don't think you can request they add another guest. Since Amy and Bea don't get along you would be putting Amy in a potentially awkward situation.

I think the suggestion to invite Bea individually is a good idea.

Allyson

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Re: Is it OK for me to ask?
« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2012, 09:16:15 PM »
I don't think you should ask, because the other two started this invitation. They might feel put on the spot or awkward, and be less likely to invite you in the future. However, you *can* go out with them just the three of you now, and see Bea separately. Then, at a different time, invite all 3 of them out together. Or even just Mary and Bea, if Amy and Bea don't get along.

Not everyone needs to be along for everything, but I do understand wanting to help someone socialise more and create opportunities.

sourwolf

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Re: Is it OK for me to ask?
« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2012, 10:07:29 PM »
Definitely not. I would be really annoyed if I was Amy and you asked if you could bring Bea when you know we don't get along - not only does it make it seem like Amy and Mary aren't good enough on their own it seems like you are choosing Bea over them saying it is more important to have her there than to have Amy be comfortable.  I agree with prior posters invite Bea to do something where its just the two of you.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2012, 10:09:19 PM by sourwolf »

gramma dishes

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Re: Is it OK for me to ask?
« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2012, 10:24:54 PM »
I agree with everybody above. 

This isn't as though you're having a party and as the hostess gets to decide who 'makes' the guest list.  This is two friends going out of their way to make the drive to get to spend some time with you.  Since they initiated it, they get to pick who comes and who rides in their car with them. 

I do also, however, especially agree that there is nothing preventing you from getting together with Bea on your own at a later date.

KenveeB

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Re: Is it OK for me to ask?
« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2012, 10:25:14 PM »
They invited you. They didn't invite Bea. Don't try to "correct" this, because it was probably intentional. If you think Bea needs to get out more or have some more social interaction, then there's nothing stopping you from inviting her out, whether with just the two of you or a larger group.

thedudeabides

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Re: Is it OK for me to ask?
« Reply #9 on: September 13, 2012, 10:36:10 PM »
No, it's not.

MamaMootz

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Re: Is it OK for me to ask?
« Reply #10 on: September 14, 2012, 02:35:33 AM »
OK, I was having twinges of guilt over Bea not being invited and then feeling sqiucky when I thought about asking them to include her as it didn't feel right for me to do so. I wish I understood better why she and Amy don't get along. When together they will do their best to be civil, but they usually end up sniping at one another by the end of the day. It's a shame, because both of them are great people. I guess it's just a personality clash. I know, even if I want to fix it, I can't because it's between them to fix.

I love the idea of doing something with Bea on our own, which I will certainly do.

Thanks for the sanity check, all.
« Last Edit: September 14, 2012, 02:38:01 AM by MamaMootz »
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O'Dell

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Re: Is it OK for me to ask?
« Reply #11 on: September 14, 2012, 07:31:54 AM »
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TootsNYC

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Re: Is it OK for me to ask?
« Reply #12 on: September 14, 2012, 08:19:46 AM »
Amy and Bea have animosity, so no.

It's not YOUR invitation--you didn't initiate it, so it's not yours to control, so no.
(it doesn't matter that they are coming to you; the point is that they *initiated* the visit, so the basic invitation is theirs, and other than changing the time because of a schedule shift, you may not politely fiddle with it.)

Actually, even if Bea did get along quite nicely with them, it would be rude to mention including Bea to them. But ESPECIALLY if they snip at each other "usually," it would be extra bad form.

Good think you listened to that little voice! Wise of you--some of us don't.


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bopper

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Re: Is it OK for me to ask?
« Reply #13 on: September 14, 2012, 10:40:03 AM »
I have had former coworkers ask me out for lunch and sometimes I will say "Would you like me to invite Bob and Jane also or would you like it to be just us?"

But in your case, since Amy and Bea don't get along, I would not ask. 

Why would Bea hear about it? Only if you mention it, so don't.  If Bea is in touch with them somehow, they are aware of her existence and have chosen not to include her.

MamaMootz

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Re: Is it OK for me to ask?
« Reply #14 on: September 14, 2012, 01:32:57 PM »
bopper, they still work in close proximity to one another and they might say something when they are at work Monday, which Bea will hear. It's an open cube area and Bea sits adjacent to Amy.
"I like pie" - DD's Patented Bean Dip Maneuver