Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?

[Cami]

My ILs were livid that my dh and I lived together for the 6 months prior to our wedding.   Fastforward thirty years. He's carrying on about a granddaughter who's also living with her fiance before the wedding with the same sort of nastiness he used 30 years before. Same song, different decade. I told my niece to stop worrying about his reaction and if he continues on, don't invite the old coot because I wish we hadn't -- he came to our wedding with a sour face and made rude comments.

but how excited can I get? The two have been sexually involved

So she'll only get excited over a wedding if there is proof of the virginity of both partners? She must not get too excited over too many weddings, then. 

[Kate]

Rather than needing "proof of virginity" I think it would be more about the fact of them having set up housekeeping and living together as a couple for some years...then wanting the big wedding and  all the trappings that traditionally were about helping the young couple starting out in life..ie shower gifts and wedding presents.

[Cami]

Rather than needing "proof of virginity" I think it would be more about the fact of them having set up housekeeping and living together as a couple for some years...then wanting the big wedding and  all the trappings that traditionally were about helping the young couple starting out in life..ie shower gifts and wedding presents.

We'll have to agree to disagree on that. Her first paragraph is about their sexuality. What people alude to first is, in my experience, their greatest priority. Moreover, she's not complaining about an expectation of her giving a gift.

Honestly, I feel bad for this couple. The grandmother is a sour puss and according to her the bride's parents are viewing the wedding as expenses for a gown and chicken, not a joyful celebration.  I think if I were them, I'd pay for my own wedding and only invite people who had a modicum of excitement about it.

[mlkind1789]

I don't know that we actually know enough.  If grandma is actually voicing her disapproval of their living arrangements then MOG is within her rights.  If it is just that Grandma is not effusive then I don't think she can mandate that.

I agree.  If she's deliberately being unenthusiastic or making it clear that she's judging them, that's rude.

If she's just not asking about wedding details or getting overly thrilled at the conversation, well, weddings aren't everyone's thing.  It's not something that particularly excites me either.  The note about the granddaughter insisting on her parents paying for the wedding makes me think the granddaughter might be expecting an awful lot of excitement -- she sounds pretty bratty.

However, that too could be just through the grandma's eyes, if she is being judgemental.  Hard to say without more info from others involved.

Actually, the LW says that HER daughter insists on it, not the granddaughter to be.  That doesn't really change that the LW needs to get over the past and focus on the future, but I don't think you can call the BTB "bratty" from this letter, either.

I agree with the posters who said if the LW just isn't asking for details and being overly enthusiastic then she is fine, but if she is actively being a Negative Nancy and bringing others down with her, then she is being quite rude.

[AngelicGamer]

Rather than needing "proof of virginity" I think it would be more about the fact of them having set up housekeeping and living together as a couple for some years...then wanting the big wedding and  all the trappings that traditionally were about helping the young couple starting out in life..ie shower gifts and wedding presents.

We'll have to agree to disagree on that. Her first paragraph is about their sexuality. What people alude to first is, in my experience, their greatest priority. Moreover, she's not complaining about an expectation of her giving a gift.

Honestly, I feel bad for this couple. The grandmother is a sour puss and according to her the bride's parents are viewing the wedding as expenses for a gown and chicken, not a joyful celebration.  I think if I were them, I'd pay for my own wedding and only invite people who had a modicum of excitement about it.

I think sour puss is going a bit too far.  She's allowed to have her own feelings about the wedding and voice them with a close family member (her daughter).  After that, she went to a public forum where she might have worded a bit wrong like posters do here from time to time. 

In my opinion, I don't think we have enough information to throw anyone into E-Hell, including the parents of the bride.  I would want to know how much people are talking about weddings - some people aren't into them and the grandmother might be one of them and her own morals are coloring her mind - and how many times the PoB brought up the cost of the wedding. 

[Surianne]

I don't know that we actually know enough.  If grandma is actually voicing her disapproval of their living arrangements then MOG is within her rights.  If it is just that Grandma is not effusive then I don't think she can mandate that.

I agree.  If she's deliberately being unenthusiastic or making it clear that she's judging them, that's rude.

If she's just not asking about wedding details or getting overly thrilled at the conversation, well, weddings aren't everyone's thing.  It's not something that particularly excites me either.  The note about the granddaughter insisting on her parents paying for the wedding makes me think the granddaughter might be expecting an awful lot of excitement -- she sounds pretty bratty.

However, that too could be just through the grandma's eyes, if she is being judgemental.  Hard to say without more info from others involved.

Actually, the LW says that HER daughter insists on it, not the granddaughter to be.  That doesn't really change that the LW needs to get over the past and focus on the future, but I don't think you can call the BTB "bratty" from this letter, either.

I agree with the posters who said if the LW just isn't asking for details and being overly enthusiastic then she is fine, but if she is actively being a Negative Nancy and bringing others down with her, then she is being quite rude.

Oh, whoops, I completely misread that -- I thought it was the bride who was insisting on the money-spending, which is where I got "bratty" from.  Thanks!  That definitely changes my opinion and I agree with you that there's no evidence the couple is being bratty.   

[Sophia]

My grandmother made me cry the night before my wedding (and she is the Good grandmother).  I'd have been happier if she had been indifferent rather than insulting and grumpy because I wouldn't wear her cheap BLACK plastic beads at my wedding. 

[Pippen]

I think the GM is just being pragmatic. She says she is very happy for them but not bouncing off the walls with over done, uninhibited glee. The mother of the MOG is probably boring her senseless with endless talk of all the minutiae of the wedding arrangements.

[Barb3000]

something like this happened in our family. DH's son got engaged, we heard later FDIL was upset that he hadn't shown enough enthusiasm when she showed him her engagement ring. Really, a 60-something guy is supposed to gush over a ring?

DSS asked, and DH complied, for an email explaining to FDIL that he WAS happy that they got engaged, he just didn't think too much about it since they were already living together, and he considered THAT to be a significant commitment.

[Pippen]

something like this happened in our family. DH's son got engaged, we heard later FDIL was upset that he hadn't shown enough enthusiasm when she showed him her engagement ring. Really, a 60-something guy is supposed to gush over a ring?

DSS asked, and DH complied, for an email explaining to FDIL that he WAS happy that they got engaged, he just didn't think too much about it since they were already living together, and he considered THAT to be a significant commitment.

Exactly. She probably sees it as a natural progression. The obvious next step they would take in their relationship. It's not the Second Coming, it's 2 people getting married.

[TootsNYC]

I think I'd easily be saying, "well, I'm glad they're getting married, etc., but I don't understand what all the hooplah is about! They've been living as IF they were married, and we've been treating them as if they were married, so why all the money, and the party, etc.? It's not like this is something new and *exciting*, even if it is a good thing!"

To me, it does not automatically follow that she disapproves of the existing relationship, or even of them living together. But to expect, and even demand (as her daughter is doing), that people be excited about it it a bit much. Yeah, yeah, it's nice.

[Twik]

Whatever the issue, one can't expect people to get excited if they're not, and chiding them for it isn't going to be productive.

Mom should sound happy and supportive, and the HC should accept the degree of that. Then they'll both be content.

[Judah]

Whatever the issue, one can't expect people to get excited if they're not, and chiding them for it isn't going to be productive.

Mom should sound happy and supportive, and the HC should accept the degree of that. Then they'll both be content.

Agreed.  It's not even the HC that is upset at her lack of excitement; it's the groom's mother.

[AnnaJ]

Why should grandmother be excited?  I'm serious - generally 'excited' about a wedding is more of an emotion to expect in a peer group, or parents/siblings.  When my nieces and nephew got married my parents weren't excited - they were pleased, but excited?  No.

Maybe grandmother doesn't get excited about weddings in general - maybe she's more pleased when someone graduates from college or gets their first home.

I think MOG is overstepping her role - if she wants to be excited that's great for her, but she shouldn't expect other people to necessarily share that emotion.

[bah12]

While I don't think the MOG should dictate to anyone how excited or not someone gets about her son's upcoming wedding, I think the LW(Grandma) is kind of insinuating that her "non-excitement" is punitive over her disapproval of how they've moved forward with their relationship up until now. Her letter comes across as judgemental, so I can see if that attitude is seeping into her relationship with her grandson.  In that case, I'd agree that the MOG has a right to politely talk to her mother about how her actions are coming across and possibly affecting her son negatively at a time that should be about great joy and celebration.

To me it sounds more like she's saying, "I'm glad their getting married, but they've been living as man and wife for years so what's there to be excited about."  Actually, that's almost exactly what she says in her letter.

Even in that context it sounds very judgmental.  There's not much to get excited about because they didn't remain virgins and live apart before now?  She doesn't have to show excitement for something that's not exciting for her, but it does come across as disapproval.  She doesn't approve of how they've handled their relationship up to this point and doesn't feel that excitement is warranted the same as it would have been had they been more "traditional". 

She's entitled to her feelings, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if that attitude seeps out to her grandson and negatively affects their relationship.  I certainly would have felt cooler towards someone who told me "I'm happy you're doing it right now, but since you didn't before, I'm not going to shower you with any kind of emotion...regardless of how excited you might be."