I think part of the disconnect here is that many EH members say they came to the site to discuss their weddings then stayed, so their memories and interest in weddings may be higher than older members...just a guess.
I don't think that's it at all. I don't read anyone as saying that Grandma needs to be a wedding person, or squeal and scream, or anything like that. I think most people are reacting to the downright acidic tone of the letter. One does not need to have a higher than average interest in weddings to think Grandma needs to keep her poison to herself (and tha t with that letter, it's not likely she is).
I see why Aeris and others have read Grandma's letter as they have, and acknowledge that their inferences may be correct.
I would refer back to other posters whose read I am more inclined to, but most occurred some pages back, and it is easier to just say that
- Grandma says she is happy that HC are marrying
- she does throw in details as to co-habiting with which she may or may not have the disdain which is being attributed
- she does clearly state a lack of love for a BWW, perhaps generally, perhaps only where this couple has been "coupled" in all but the legal wedded sense for some time.
Clearly not going to reach "snakes in a restaurant" united view on whether Grandma has or has not breached any etiquette, but I am willing to say there is a good chance Grandma has not, and the tone of her letter was less reflective of any "venom" shown to HC or others, and more exasperation over her daughter's emphasis on a BWW - with some requirement of a significant level of enthusiasm from all family members for that idea, expense, etc. *aside* from the couple being married.
ETA: I have no objection to a anyone having a BWW, whether previously co-habiting or not. Boyfriend and I have been co-habiting for years - if we ever decide to marry, however we might choose to celebrate a wedding would be our choice - but I would not expect people to be excited about the wedding plans in anything other than a "we are delighted to celebrate witH you" way, I.e. it would be a continuation of what we now live, marked by legal and potentially religious import - but would not *require* a BWW to mark it.