Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?

[Thipu1]

I would give Grandma a pass on this one. 

If the ages of the HC are what they seem to be, they are very young and Grandma is probably about my age (mid 60s).  A couple living together before marriage is nothing new to her.  In our generation, that was not uncommon.  She may see the marriage as already there and would just like to see the union 'regularized'. 

Yes, a Bride wants to have her 'day'.  Often, the younger the Bride, the more lavish celebration she would like. Almost every young woman wants to feel like a Princess for at least one day in her life. 

Grandma sees things in a different way.  To her, a simple ceremony and a small
reception would be just fine.  She may believe that Mr.Mortgage as an important member of the Wedding party and the money spent on a big Wedding splash might not be the best way to go.

I can't fault Grandma for not hiring a marching band and sending up balloons in
celebration.  To my mind, 'I wish you two every happiness' is just about right. 
       

[steelstress]

Just how much excitement is grandma supposed to show?  Is she supposed to be giddy, jumping up and down?  And so what if she's judgmental?  We all are in some way or another.  We all have different values.  Why should she forgo hers when others won't do the same?  And really, if they've been living as husband and wife, what IS the big deal?  I'm sure she's happy for them, doesn't mean she should be jumping for joy.  MOG needs to lighten up.

[jmarvellous]

I guess my grandmother was only so excited about her first grandchild's marriage. And she certainly wasn't involved in the planning or anything, and probably not privy to the wedding details in advance (living across the country and not being a gushy type probably didn't hurt). As a matter of fact, I've never seen grandma giddily excited about anything.

But she certainly was proud, happy, kind and not at all disdainful. This grandma sounds like a gentle blend of the opposite of all of these!

[Iris]

I was torn on this one. I read the letter earlier but didn't post but after mulling it over my opinion hasn't changed. Please note that this is only a personal reaction.

The letter bothered me a little. In particular I think "The bride-to-be's parents are not exactly thrilled either at the expense of a white gown and a few hundred chicken dinners, hall and band." rubbed me the wrong way. It felt like Grandma is not really interested in this wedding (as is her perogative) but has been having a bit of a shared whine about it with the BTBs family. A white dress, dinner, a hall and a band are not exceptional or OTT demands for a wedding as long as they are within a family's means.

Also giving the ages at which the bride and groom became sexually active is *massively* inappropriate and makes her sound super judgemental. And the sarcastic finish 

In general, no one has to be excited about anything. My own dear grandmother wasn't *excited* about my wedding, just very happy for me. But this grandmother doesn't actually very happy to me, just snarky and nasty. Her "I'm happy they're getting married" doesn't sound like "I'm happy my grandson has met a woman he wants to spend his life with" more relief that they're doing the 'correct' thing.

[still in va]

I was torn on this one. I read the letter earlier but didn't post but after mulling it over my opinion hasn't changed. Please note that this is only a personal reaction.

The letter bothered me a little. In particular I think "The bride-to-be's parents are not exactly thrilled either at the expense of a white gown and a few hundred chicken dinners, hall and band." rubbed me the wrong way. It felt like Grandma is not really interested in this wedding (as is her perogative) but has been having a bit of a shared whine about it with the BTBs family. A white dress, dinner, a hall and a band are not exceptional or OTT demands for a wedding as long as they are within a family's means.

Also giving the ages at which the bride and groom became sexually active is *massively* inappropriate and makes her sound super judgemental. And the sarcastic finish 

In general, no one has to be excited about anything. My own dear grandmother wasn't *excited* about my wedding, just very happy for me. But this grandmother doesn't actually very happy to me, just snarky and nasty. Her "I'm happy they're getting married" doesn't sound like "I'm happy my grandson has met a woman he wants to spend his life with" more relief that they're doing the 'correct' thing.

well i do think it strange that grandma is the grandmother of the groom, and she states that the parents of the bride feel sort of the way that she does.  sounds like it's the MOG  who is over the moon giddy about the whole thing.

also, it would be nice to know how many grandchildren that Grammie has "married off" by now.  is this the first?  is this the tenth?  i imagine it gets just a little less exciting each time.  and really, how excited should a grandparent be?  is Grandma supposed to ooh and ahh over the napkin choices?  the font style on the place cards?  the menu?

i've been the MOB and the MOG.  i loved helping to plan my children's weddings.  but when it comes time for my grandson to marry if i'm still on the planet?  i'm just not going to be all that "excited" about the whole thing.  i'll need to know when and where, i'll need to get a dress and have my hair done.  but it's not MY child who will be getting married.  it will be my son and DIL, as his parents, who will be the most excited and involved.  doesn't mean i won't love my grandson and want to attend his wedding.  it just means i won't be jumping up and down like a cheerleader.

[bah12]

I would give Grandma a pass on this one. 

If the ages of the HC are what they seem to be, they are very young and Grandma is probably about my age (mid 60s).  A couple living together before marriage is nothing new to her.  In our generation, that was not uncommon.  She may see the marriage as already there and would just like to see the union 'regularized'. 

Yes, a Bride wants to have her 'day'.  Often, the younger the Bride, the more lavish celebration she would like. Almost every young woman wants to feel like a Princess for at least one day in her life. 

Grandma sees things in a different way.  To her, a simple ceremony and a small
reception would be just fine.  She may believe that Mr.Mortgage as an important member of the Wedding party and the money spent on a big Wedding splash might not be the best way to go.

I can't fault Grandma for not hiring a marching band and sending up balloons in
celebration.  To my mind, 'I wish you two every happiness' is just about right. 
       

I'm not sure where you're reading all that from her letter.  She doesn't say a thing about the BTB wanting an OTT big wedding when she feels that something smaller and less expensive is more appropriate.  Even what she does say about the wedding, doesn't sound over the top or extravagant.

She only mentions their sexual activity and living together.  I agree that mom is going too far by insisting she be excited about the wedding, but I still say she sounds sarcastic and overly judgmental  and disapproving.

If she can keep all that from her grandson and his bride, then she's in the clear, but if it comes across as disapproving as in her letter, then I don't see things going in a good direction relationship wise.

[Allyson]

I don't know. I think that you really can't force someone to be excited, and getting annoyed at someone for not being effusive enough is really silly. I'm not a wedding person either, and a lot of people aren't. So, if the grandmother is really only causing this strife by, say, not talking about the wedding endlessly, the MOG is being a little ridiculous.

However, there's this *tone* to the letter and makes me think that's not all it is. I get the feeling if it were the MOG writing in, she might mention that Gma had made little PA or disparaging comments about the couple's living arrangements. And that's why she's upset.

I could see an over-the-top mother getting annoyed at her mom for not being over the moon enough. But in this case, I get the feeling grandma might not be totally innocent here. I feel like she is likely communicating her 'nonexcitement' in various ways. If it was just that Grandma wasn't really a wedding person, or had already seen some of her grandkids married and was burnt out, I doubt she'd have put in the little dig about the couple having been sexually involved for years.

[Sharnita]

I don't know. I think that you really can't force someone to be excited, and getting annoyed at someone for not being effusive enough is really silly. I'm not a wedding person either, and a lot of people aren't. So, if the grandmother is really only causing this strife by, say, not talking about the wedding endlessly, the MOG is being a little ridiculous.

However, there's this *tone* to the letter and makes me think that's not all it is. I get the feeling if it were the MOG writing in, she might mention that Gma had made little PA or disparaging comments about the couple's living arrangements. And that's why she's upset.

I could see an over-the-top mother getting annoyed at her mom for not being over the moon enough. But in this case, I get the feeling grandma might not be totally innocent here. I feel like she is likely communicating her 'nonexcitement' in various ways. If it was just that Grandma wasn't really a wedding person, or had already seen some of her grandkids married and was burnt out, I doubt she'd have put in the little dig about the couple having been sexually involved for years.

I think that is possible.  I think it is also possible that the MOG would be writing in and saying "I know my mom has traditional views on marriage and I think that is why she seems so apathetic"

[kareng57]

To some extent I have to agree with some PPs.  My own son and his fiancee announced their engagement a few weeks ago; they've been cohabitating for 4 years and are in their mid 20s.

Of course I'm very happy; my mother is more routinely-pleased.  She never disapproved of them co-habitating before marriage (she even gave them a gift; if I'd done the same before marriage I'd have been disowned, but anyway.  I don't think that it's reasonable to expect the same deliriously-happy reaction from grandparents.  If they have several grandchildren, they could have been through this several times before, after all.  So I kind of think that an "oh, that's nice" reaction might be fine and not be indicative of some sort of toxic agenda.

[TootsNYC]

it's not about them remaining virgins.

It's about the idea that the *excitement* about a wedding is when the couple's lives are going to truly change a lot. Theirs won't; they already did that.

Gladness, yes--excitement? well, no, it's not exciting when a well-established couples marries. It's happy--but it's not exciting.

[jmarvellous]

Wow, I can see grandmothers and any others not being excited about it (as I said in my earlier post).

But "it's not exciting" as a blanket statement is cruel, in my opinion. Many, many couples live together before marriage and their weddings are plenty exciting to themselves and others. They can be huge (and often life-altering) events no matter their effects on residency.

[violinp]

Wow, I can see grandmothers and any others not being excited about it (as I said in my earlier post).

But "it's not exciting" as a blanket statement is cruel, in my opinion. Many, many couples live together before marriage and their weddings are plenty exciting to themselves and others. They can be huge (and often life-altering) events no matter their effects on residency.

I agree. Making a contract to to take care of each other, through good times and bad, for the rest of the time both people live to love is a much bigger commitment than living together, and it should be exciting that two people are embarking on that new chapter in life together.

Does the grandmother need to be overjoyed about the wedding every single minute of the wedding? Of course not, but no one would or should expect that. The HC and their nearest and dearest should be happy and somewhat excited for them, and I'm sure it saddens the MoG that the grandmother can only focus on the fact that the HC didn't live up to her mores.

[katycoo]

There is a difference between being excited about something, and something being worth celebrating.  I rarely get excited about the fact that someone is getting married, but that doesn't mean I won't celebrate with them.

[Giggity]

Generally speaking, I don't see a reason WHY someone should get excited about a wedding not his own. I mean, if you want to expend that energy, fine and all, knock yourself out ... but if you don't want to, there is no earthly reason why you have to or should.

[Girlie]

Of course, this is me coming at this from my own personal experiences, so I won't lie and say I might not be a biased...

BUT, I wonder if MOG asking GMOG to be more "excited" wasn't really more of a plea for her to at least pretend to be happy so she doesn't bring down the excitement of the bride and groom. Especially if GMOG has already been in convo with the bride's family about just how un-exciting this all really is. I can just imagine MOG saying something to the effect of how this is a really exciting time for the kids, and that GMOG needs to realize that.
If GMOG is as judgmental as she comes across in her letter, I can see her making the jump to having been told that SHE needs to be more excited.