Author Topic: Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?  (Read 16208 times)

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Thipu1

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Re: Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?
« Reply #45 on: September 15, 2012, 10:34:31 AM »
it's not about them remaining virgins.

It's about the idea that the *excitement* about a wedding is when the couple's lives are going to truly change a lot. Theirs won't; they already did that.

Gladness, yes--excitement? well, no, it's not exciting when a well-established couples marries. It's happy--but it's not exciting.

This is the way I see it too, Toots NYC.

I didn't see that Grandma had much of a problem that the HC weren't virgins.  I gathered she thought that a big blow-out was a bit much under the circumstances.  I also gathered that the Bride's parents rather agreed with her. 

Surianne

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Re: Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?
« Reply #46 on: September 15, 2012, 10:36:00 AM »
There is a difference between being excited about something, and something being worth celebrating.  I rarely get excited about the fact that someone is getting married, but that doesn't mean I won't celebrate with them.

That's a great distinction, and that's how I feel too.  I can be happy for someone and wish them well without being excited. 

Sharnita

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Re: Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?
« Reply #47 on: September 15, 2012, 10:37:45 AM »
it's not about them remaining virgins.

It's about the idea that the *excitement* about a wedding is when the couple's lives are going to truly change a lot. Theirs won't; they already did that.

Gladness, yes--excitement? well, no, it's not exciting when a well-established couples marries. It's happy--but it's not exciting.

This is the way I see it too, Toots NYC.

I didn't see that Grandma had much of a problem that the HC weren't virgins.  I gathered she thought that a big blow-out was a bit much under the circumstances.  I also gathered that the Bride's parents rather agreed with her.

I wonder if MOG is looking to GM to make up for the excitement the bride's parents miss.

TootsNYC

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Re: Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?
« Reply #48 on: September 15, 2012, 10:49:52 AM »
I'm sorry--I've seen too many weddings magazines and too many people acting as though they're EXCITED about a wedding to believe that this is all Grandma being judgmental.

I think Grandma's judgmentalism could easily be a defensive response to criticism from her daughter.

And she may be more judgmental about the "expectation of hooplah" given the situation than about the "living in sin" part.

Judah

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Re: Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?
« Reply #49 on: September 15, 2012, 11:24:41 AM »
While I don't think the MOG should dictate to anyone how excited or not someone gets about her son's upcoming wedding, I think the LW(Grandma) is kind of insinuating that her "non-excitement" is punitive over her disapproval of how they've moved forward with their relationship up until now. Her letter comes across as judgemental, so I can see if that attitude is seeping into her relationship with her grandson.  In that case, I'd agree that the MOG has a right to politely talk to her mother about how her actions are coming across and possibly affecting her son negatively at a time that should be about great joy and celebration.

To me it sounds more like she's saying, "I'm glad their getting married, but they've been living as man and wife for years so what's there to be excited about."  Actually, that's almost exactly what she says in her letter.

Even in that context it sounds very judgmental.  There's not much to get excited about because they didn't remain virgins and live apart before now?  She doesn't have to show excitement for something that's not exciting for her, but it does come across as disapproval.  She doesn't approve of how they've handled their relationship up to this point and doesn't feel that excitement is warranted the same as it would have been had they been more "traditional". 

She's entitled to her feelings, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if that attitude seeps out to her grandson and negatively affects their relationship.  I certainly would have felt cooler towards someone who told me "I'm happy you're doing it right now, but since you didn't before, I'm not going to shower you with any kind of emotion...regardless of how excited you might be."

This is what I was trying to get at:

it's not about them remaining virgins.

It's about the idea that the *excitement* about a wedding is when the couple's lives are going to truly change a lot. Theirs won't; they already did that.

Gladness, yes--excitement? well, no, it's not exciting when a well-established couples marries. It's happy--but it's not exciting.

It's a reason to celebrate, but it's not exciting to most people outside of the couple getting married.
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Shoo

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Re: Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?
« Reply #50 on: September 15, 2012, 11:50:58 AM »
There is a difference between being excited about something, and something being worth celebrating.  I rarely get excited about the fact that someone is getting married, but that doesn't mean I won't celebrate with them.

Exactly.  I was excited about my own wedding.  I do not get excited about other people's weddings.  That doesn't mean I'm not happy for them. 

I sympathize with Grandma.  I don't think she's being judgmental, I think she's trying to explain why she's not jumping up and down, hyperventilating with excitement.  It doesn't mean she isn't happy for her grandson.

Otterpop

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Re: Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?
« Reply #51 on: September 15, 2012, 12:52:15 PM »
I've had friends and family get married that were living apart and living together prior to marriage.  I am happy for both types but I get more excited for the couples who do not share living space.  Primarily because the decision is more "momentous."  They do not share a household, finances, plumbing issues, bills, illnesses (puking the bed at 3 am anyone?) and all the drudgery that life entails, yet.  It is a complete change of lifestyle as the previously single man and woman know it.  That's why there's a lot of winking, nudging and snark at the bride's shower, a mournful dirge at the groom's party, riotous behavior, etc.  Then the couple celebrate together and married life begins.

With couples already living together, they have their household established, maybe a couple of kids, there's a nice party and life goes on as before.  There's no real life change (as many have said they were already "committed" beforehand).

So maybe grandma is old-fashioned (I must be too), but I don't see her as malicious, just as having a "been there done that" why all the fuss attitude.  I hope she can be happy for the couple, but to be mad because she can't force "excitement" is looking for offense.

cheyne

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Re: Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?
« Reply #52 on: September 15, 2012, 01:20:36 PM »
I am somewhat like grandma in this letter.  The s3x part I don't care about (as any two people can have s3x anytime they want without living together and it is absolutely none of my business), it's the cohabitating for 2 years.  I feel the same way if a couple has a kid or two and been living together for several years.  Happy for them?  Yes.  Excited for them?  No, not really.

Maybe it's the old "You can't have your cake and eat it too" or maybe it's age (for me).  I just can't get excited about bachlorette parties and showers when a woman has been living with her intended for years.  The "traditional" trappings of marriage used to be reserved for first time couples that hadn't lived together before marriage.  Now even second, third and beyond time Brides are having all these types of parties and BWW's.  I am not saying this is rude, but I don't see the point in it and I don't get excited about it either.*

As long as Grandma doesn't say anything disapproving to the B&G, she is within her rights to her feelings and level of excitement about this wedding.


bah12

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Re: Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?
« Reply #53 on: September 15, 2012, 07:05:08 PM »
it's not about them remaining virgins.

It's about the idea that the *excitement* about a wedding is when the couple's lives are going to truly change a lot. Theirs won't; they already did that.

Gladness, yes--excitement? well, no, it's not exciting when a well-established couples marries. It's happy--but it's not exciting.

This is the way I see it too, Toots NYC.

I didn't see that Grandma had much of a problem that the HC weren't virgins.  I gathered she thought that a big blow-out was a bit much under the circumstances.  I also gathered that the Bride's parents rather agreed with her.

If this was the case, she would have mentioned it first.  I do believe the first thing "said" or "written" in most cases, is the biggest issue.  She didn't even talk about this being a BWW, she said chicken dinners and reception hall...hardly a big-blow out.

Again, she doesn't have to be excited...I'm rarely excited about other people's weddings.  But her sarcasm and disapproval oozed out of that letter.  It wouldn't surprise me if this is what her daughter meant when she accused her of not being excited enough.

LadyL

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Re: Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?
« Reply #54 on: September 15, 2012, 07:55:06 PM »
I've had friends and family get married that were living apart and living together prior to marriage.  I am happy for both types but I get more excited for the couples who do not share living space.  Primarily because the decision is more "momentous." 

For what it's worth - I have been with my fiance for 8 years and living together for 5, engaged for 1.5 years now, getting married in about a year. I thought that getting married was more of a logical next step than anything "momentous" at first. But after announcing our engagement and seeing the reaction of friends and family, it actually seems a lot more momentous to me. Our status is changing in the eyes of the community as well as legally. Planning our ceremony has been surprisingly emotional for me, imagining us in front of all the people we care about, officially declaring "till death do us part." Thinking about our future, not just in terms of the next year or next five or ten years, but truly the rest of lives. Getting engaged has actually changed how I view our relationship.

It makes me a bit sad to think that my wedding may somehow be viewed as less special or significant than that of a couple that hasn't cohabitated. Just because the logistics won't change as much afterwards doesn't mean it can't have symbolic significance as a ritual that my fiance and I are undergoing, in a public ceremony in front of all the people we care about.



Iris

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Re: Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?
« Reply #55 on: September 15, 2012, 08:14:58 PM »
I've had friends and family get married that were living apart and living together prior to marriage.  I am happy for both types but I get more excited for the couples who do not share living space.  Primarily because the decision is more "momentous." 

For what it's worth - I have been with my fiance for 8 years and living together for 5, engaged for 1.5 years now, getting married in about a year. I thought that getting married was more of a logical next step than anything "momentous" at first. But after announcing our engagement and seeing the reaction of friends and family, it actually seems a lot more momentous to me. Our status is changing in the eyes of the community as well as legally. Planning our ceremony has been surprisingly emotional for me, imagining us in front of all the people we care about, officially declaring "till death do us part." Thinking about our future, not just in terms of the next year or next five or ten years, but truly the rest of lives. Getting engaged has actually changed how I view our relationship.

It makes me a bit sad to think that my wedding may somehow be viewed as less special or significant than that of a couple that hasn't cohabitated. Just because the logistics won't change as much afterwards doesn't mean it can't have symbolic significance as a ritual that my fiance and I are undergoing, in a public ceremony in front of all the people we care about.

I agree. DH and I lived together and had a child and were absolutely committed to each other yet pledging to spend out lives together still felt like a massive deal. I can see how it wouldn't appear so from the outside, though.
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Re: Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?
« Reply #56 on: September 15, 2012, 09:07:59 PM »
LadyL and Iris, i can only speak for myself, but i don't see either of your marriages as "less" than anything.  i know that's how it sounded in Grandma's letter.  and maybe that is the sticking point for her.  it could also be that this is the last grandchild to get married, and she's wedding out. 

i would gladly celebrate both of your marriages.  but i wouldn't be as excited for your weddings as you will be.  i'm not sure even a grandmother would be as excited about a wedding as the HC and their parents will be.

it also sounded to me, from that letter, that only the MOG is over-the-moon excited for this wedding, and she's irritated that her mother, the groom's grandmother (the LW), isn't as over-the-moon excited as she is.  from the sound of it, the bride's parents aren't all that excited about the whole thing either.

i hope neither of you feel that your family and friends won't be very happy to attend your weddings.  they will be.  but they won't be as excited as you will be.

Allyson

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Re: Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?
« Reply #57 on: September 15, 2012, 09:12:35 PM »
But why bring up the living together thing at all? Would people be 'excited' for someone else's wedding if they hadn't lived together beforehand? That's what baffles me. I'm definitely one who does not excite!! for weddings. I would really rather not go to them, to be perfectly honest. But the living together thing is totally irrelevant. I don't care if you've lived together for 20 years and have 3 kids, had a traditional courting relationship where you held hands only, or have an arranged marriage where you met for the first time last week. I will be *happy* for you, but not excited.

violinp

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Re: Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?
« Reply #58 on: September 15, 2012, 09:23:26 PM »
But why bring up the living together thing at all? Would people be 'excited' for someone else's wedding if they hadn't lived together beforehand? That's what baffles me. I'm definitely one who does not excite!! for weddings. I would really rather not go to them, to be perfectly honest. But the living together thing is totally irrelevant. I don't care if you've lived together for 20 years and have 3 kids, had a traditional courting relationship where you held hands only, or have an arranged marriage where you met for the first time last week. I will be *happy* for you, but not excited.

Some people see it as a bigger step if the couple has not lived together prior to marriage - therefore, more of a reason to be excited in that situation.
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Iris

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Re: Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?
« Reply #59 on: September 16, 2012, 12:25:39 AM »
LadyL and Iris, i can only speak for myself, but i don't see either of your marriages as "less" than anything.  i know that's how it sounded in Grandma's letter.  and maybe that is the sticking point for her.  it could also be that this is the last grandchild to get married, and she's wedding out. 

i would gladly celebrate both of your marriages.  but i wouldn't be as excited for your weddings as you will be.  i'm not sure even a grandmother would be as excited about a wedding as the HC and their parents will be.

it also sounded to me, from that letter, that only the MOG is over-the-moon excited for this wedding, and she's irritated that her mother, the groom's grandmother (the LW), isn't as over-the-moon excited as she is.  from the sound of it, the bride's parents aren't all that excited about the whole thing either.

i hope neither of you feel that your family and friends won't be very happy to attend your weddings.  they will be.  but they won't be as excited as you will be.


Well, my wedding was 14 years ago now so I don't think their excitement has lasted this long  ;D

I don't think anyone would be as excited as the bride and groom regardless. I was about ready to burst all day. my poor grandma would have had a heart attack!

In the original letter though I still think the excitement issue isn't the *real* issue. I think the grandmother comes off as very negative and I still suspect that that is what the MOG is reacting to. Looking over this thread though I can see people are interpreting the letter in vastly different ways so what seems obvious to me may just be my impression.
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