Grandma not showing enough excitement at upcoming wedding?

[cheyne]

Perhaps you are right, Iris, and the grandmother is being negative in her letter (and in her own mind).  Maybe she feels that having sex and living together are sins or she feels very bad about her grandson and his fiancee getting married at all.  If her feelings are such, it would be very difficult for her to show excitement about the wedding.  Her daughter (MOG) is insisting on a BWW from the sounds of it.  Grandma may feel it's a big waste of time and money to celebrate in such a way as the B&G are already living "as man and wife".

Again I say that no matter what Grandma's feelings are, if you (general) disagree or agree with her, as long as she doesn't state negative feelings to the B&G she is not being rude.  She did state that she is happy they are getting married, just that she doesn't feel excited.

[LadyL]

Again I say that no matter what Grandma's feelings are, if you (general) disagree or agree with her, as long as she doesn't state negative feelings to the B&G she is not being rude.  She did state that she is happy they are getting married, just that she doesn't feel excited.

I think not being excited is fine, but if the best she can muster is a sarcastic "woohoo"  (combined with the derisive attitude about living together and the "hundreds of chicken dinners") it just seems likely that her negative attitude is coming through in real life.

I agree with Abby that the sentiment of "how excited can anyone be when they've been having sex since they were teenagers" is also really dismissive of the whole rite of marriage.  The point of getting married is not just to get a permission slip for sex (at least I hope!). It makes me wonder if Grandma is just "over" weddings because she feels people don't get married for the "right" reasons anymore, and if she is taking those frustrations out on this couple.

My mother is the type who would have preferred I not live with my fiance before marriage, but she respects my choice. I think if she was so resentful of it as to write a letter to an etiquette expert over it that attitude would likely come through in her behavior.

[Sophia]

I can see Grandma's point, since she seems to think they are basically married already. 

My state allows common-law marriages, in the past without any forms or fees.  Some friends of the family lived together for awhile and even bought a house together and then decided they wanted a marriage certificate.  They didn't even want a wedding.  So, they went to the courthouse.  The judge tried to talk them out of it and said it was a waste of $27 since they were already married.  He only relented when they said they wanted a wedding anniversary. 

[scotcat60]

it's not about them remaining virgins.

It's about the idea that the *excitement* about a wedding is when the couple's lives are going to truly change a lot. Theirs won't; they already did that.

Gladness, yes--excitement? well, no, it's not exciting when a well-established couples marries. It's happy--but it's not exciting.

I'm with Toots NYC and Thipu1. I know a couple who married 16 years and 4 children after they set up home together. It was lovely that they did marry, but they were to all intents and purposes married anyway.

[Yvaine]

I really think this thread is getting way too tangled up in the semantic differences between excited and happy. The LW claims to be happy the couple is getting married, but I suspect the real problem is not "she seems happy, but she's just not whooping and cheering enough about it!"--the real problem is that she's not really happy either, she's bitterly angry, and I'd be surprised if this wasn't bleeding through all of her interactions with the couple.

[violinp]

I really think this thread is getting way too tangled up in the semantic differences between excited and happy. The LW claims to be happy the couple is getting married, but I suspect the real problem is not "she seems happy, but she's just not whooping and cheering enough about it!"--the real problem is that she's not really happy either, she's bitterly angry, and I'd be surprised if this wasn't bleeding through all of her interactions with the couple.

Yeah. If she felt any "good" emotion, I'd guess it was relief, because they're not an embarrassment to the family anymore.

[White Lotus]

I can read the original letter as a few other people did: it is MOG who is going all "Romeo and Juliet have a happy ending," with hoopla, bloody sheets out the window, and BWW stuff.  It sounds like POB are planning a nice wedding, but perhaps more OTT than they think appropriate, but the HC want it, and so they are going for it.  MOG seems like the driving force behind fairy-tale excesses, and wants GOG to act as tickled and thrilled at this as if it were Romeo and Juliet: young, innocent and in the fresh bloom of hot love.  After being an established couple for a while, and living together for another while, their love, one hopes, has matured, deepened and grown, and their marriage is a celebration of that as well as of future committment.  That is great and wonderful, just as a renewal of vows CAN be, but it is fundamentally different from a storybook "princess" wedding, and it may be that fairy-tale pretending that the POB and GOG are not thrilled with.  I would personally prefer a smaller and more subdued ceremony, maybe even an elopement, followed by one heck of a fine party.  The LW doesn't express it well, but I wonder if she is not so much concerned with their sexual and domestic history as the disconnect between that and the BWW Cinderella and Prince event MOG seems fixated on.

[Sirius]

When I told my dad I was getting married, he said flatly that he thought I was making a mistake.  I knew why he said that; it was because he had made a mistake marrying the first woman who would have him after my mother died, and had a hefty case of "Bed.  Made.  Lie."  I didn't expect a lot of excitement out of my dad; that's just not his personality.  But I also didn't expect him to try to throw ice water on the idea of me marrying Mr. Sirius, which was absolutely not a mistake.  When it came to the wedding arrangements all he did was badger me about the cost (which I told him was none of his business, since Mr. Sirius and I paid for everything ourselves) and act like it was a real effort to put on a suit and go to his daughter's wedding. 

Now, I never expected my dad to throw his back out doing handsprings, but I did expect a little more enthusiasm than I got. 

[artk2002]

I re-read the letter and I can tell you what I suspect has happened. The word "excitement" is Granny's, not the mom's.  Granny is being a sour-puss about the wedding and mom said "Granny, could you at least act pleased for your granddaughter?"  Granny then takes this to Abby saying that her daughter says she isn't "excited" enough.

I've seen this kind of scenario play out like that far too many times.

[VltGrantham]

When I told my dad I was getting married, he said flatly that he thought I was making a mistake.  I knew why he said that; it was because he had made a mistake marrying the first woman who would have him after my mother died, and had a hefty case of "Bed.  Made.  Lie."  I didn't expect a lot of excitement out of my dad; that's just not his personality.  But I also didn't expect him to try to throw ice water on the idea of me marrying Mr. Sirius, which was absolutely not a mistake.  When it came to the wedding arrangements all he did was badger me about the cost (which I told him was none of his business, since Mr. Sirius and I paid for everything ourselves) and act like it was a real effort to put on a suit and go to his daughter's wedding.

We must be related.

I was the "smart" one for getting married at the JOP.   My sister was the "stupid" one who spent money on not one wedding--but two (her first ended in divorce).  Dad complained bitterly about it, before, during, after--even though she asked for not one dime of his money, didn't go into debt to pay for either one, and each one was a relatively modest affair with a price tag of less than $15K for each.

To this day, I still envy her and my SIL for their "pretty" weddings.  I wish I had done it.

I understand that weddings aren't everybody's "thing" but it'd be nice if they could at least not voice their complaints, grudges, and griping on the HC, put on a party face, and go or at worst, stay home but stay quiet about the arrangements.

[Girlie]

I re-read the letter and I can tell you what I suspect has happened. The word "excitement" is Granny's, not the mom's.  Granny is being a sour-puss about the wedding and mom said "Granny, could you at least act pleased for your granddaughter?"  Granny then takes this to Abby saying that her daughter says she isn't "excited" enough.

I've seen this kind of scenario play out like that far too many times.

See, that is exactly what I got out of it, too.

I also couldn't figure out where anyone got that the MOG was the one pushing a big wedding. It seemed to me like this was a matter of the HC wanting a nice wedding, and the MOG supporting that.
I can even picture GMOG taking a comment about how this was going to be an expensive wedding by the bride's parents to mean that they "aren't too thrilled" with the wedding. That's not necessarily true. You can think something is really expensive and still be excited beyond measure for it to happen.

[O'Dell]

Well if Granny didn't approve of the couple "living in sin", then wouldn't she be happy that they are finally making it legal?

What I get from the letter...granny is *happy* the couple is getting married but isn't excited about the BWW. Maybe even disapproves of the BWW. That's her right as long as she isn't harping on it.

Trying to dictate how other people should feel or how they should pretend to feel...that's rude.

[Girlie]

Well if Granny didn't approve of the couple "living in sin", then wouldn't she be happy that they are finally making it legal?

What I get from the letter...granny is *happy* the couple is getting married but isn't excited about the BWW. Maybe even disapproves of the BWW. That's her right as long as she isn't harping on it.

Trying to dictate how other people should feel or how they should pretend to feel...that's rude.

See, I think we're actually all in agreement on that fact.

The debate on this thread seems to come from whether or not Granny is actually happy at all, or if she's not happy at all and is in actuality bringing down the HC.

In this letter, I vote the second, just because she spends so much time going on about WHY she's not "excited", rather than just stating the fact that she's not. Of course, everyone is going to read it differently, but I don't think anyone here would advocate Granny acting excited about something she's not excited about, so long as she is not actively ruining the excitement of everyone else.

[TurtleDove]

I don't think anyone here would advocate Granny acting excited about something she's not excited about, so long as she is not actively ruining the excitement of everyone else.

This.  The way I read the letter, the grandma is making her disdain for the couple and the way they have handled their relationship known to the couple and to everyone else.  That, to me, is rude.  If she cannot be happy, she can at least be silent and not attempt to guilt other people into not being happy for the couple.

[Cami]

I can read the original letter as a few other people did: it is MOG who is going all "Romeo and Juliet have a happy ending," with hoopla, bloody sheets out the window, and BWW stuff.  It sounds like POB are planning a nice wedding, but perhaps more OTT than they think appropriate, but the HC want it, and so they are going for it.  MOG seems like the driving force behind fairy-tale excesses, and wants GOG to act as tickled and thrilled at this as if it were Romeo and Juliet: young, innocent and in the fresh bloom of hot love.  After being an established couple for a while, and living together for another while, their love, one hopes, has matured, deepened and grown, and their marriage is a celebration of that as well as of future committment.  That is great and wonderful, just as a renewal of vows CAN be, but it is fundamentally different from a storybook "princess" wedding, and it may be that fairy-tale pretending that the POB and GOG are not thrilled with.  I would personally prefer a smaller and more subdued ceremony, maybe even an elopement, followed by one heck of a fine party.  The LW doesn't express it well, but I wonder if she is not so much concerned with their sexual and domestic history as the disconnect between that and the BWW Cinderella and Prince event MOG seems fixated on.

I don't see this disconnect, to be honest because, I suppose, that I never thought a BWW was reserved solely for those who are "young, innocent and in fresh bloom of hot love."  If so then the bridal business would go on under as precious few people getting married these days would meet those stringent qualifications.