Needy and greedy Update #28

[CrazyDaffodilLady]

I enjoy most children, but am not a parent and don’t know how to handle some situations.

My friend “Ruth” is friendly with an 11-year-old neighbor girl “Helen”.  The girl and her siblings are being raised by their elderly and rather dotty grandmother.  The family is very poor.  I had some nice toys from when my niece was younger, and I told Ruth I would bring them over so that she could give them to the family. 

When I arrived at Ruth’s house, four children descended on my car.  Ruth had not told me that the children were there. The pack included Helen, her younger sister, and Ruth’s grandchildren.  Apparently Ruth had told the kids I was arriving with gifts, and they were in a frenzy of greed.  As soon as I opened the car door, Helen grabbed a large toy from the box and announced, “I want this”.  The other children then started grabbing toys from the box. 

I managed to make it into the house with a few items still left in the box.  The children kept yelling, “What else?” and Helen asked what I’d brought for her siblings who were at home. 

Other than the greediness, the children were sweet and well-behaved.  They didn’t fight over the toys, they thanked me profusely, and I even got a few hugs.  But honestly, I felt like a wounded deer surrounded by a pack of hungry hyenas.

Questions:
- Was it rude of Ruth to not warn me that the children would be there?
- Was it rude of Ruth to get the children all worked up about me coming with toys?  (Note that the toys were not intended for her grandkids, who wound up with toys that otherwise would have gone to the needy kids.)
- Did I have a responsibility to not reward the children’s greedy behavior?  If so, how could I have done this?
- How could I have politely prevented Ruth's grandkids from taking the toys that should have gone to the needy children?

 

[Hmmmmm]

I don't think Ruth needed to warn you the kids were there.  She might have assumed you wanted to give the toys directly to the kids.  And I don't think she intentionally worked up the kids.  She might have just said" my friend is coming by with some toys for you".

She should have told the kids to wait until you got into the house instead of tackling you curbside.  But it would have been perfectly fine for you to say "No, don't take anything out of the boxes.  Everyone wait until we get inside."

[Thipu1]

I don't think it was rude of Ruth to not tell you that the children would be there.  It was just a bit clueless. 

About a year ago, we had a situation that could have badly blown up.  Nephew and Niece-in-law were visiting with their two children aged 4 and 6.  Over the years, I'd gotten some things  I thought  the children might like. 

While the men and the kids were in the living room, I asked Niece-in-Law to come in the back room with me and look over what we had to offer.  She was free to choose things she thought appropriate for her children and did so.  The gifts were bagged up and presented when the family left. 

Peace was maintained. 

When offering a big box of toys to children, it's not a bad idea to have a consultation with a parent before hand.   

[Two Ravens]

So the grandchildren took toys intended for the poor neighbor children? That is rude, assuming Ruth knew the neighbor childen were the intended giftees.

Was this the case?

[NyaChan]

So the grandchildren took toys intended for the poor neighbor children? That is rude, assuming Ruth knew the neighbor childen were the intended giftees.

Was this the case?

I was confused also - did Ruth's grandchildren take the toys you had intended for the neighbors?

[CrazyDaffodilLady]

Ruth knew that the toys were for the neighbor children.  She remarked that her grandchildren had too many toys. 

I made it clear that I was bringing a box of toys over for her to give to the neighbors.  She said something about keeping it in the garage until she saw the neighbor girl again.

I called before I left home to let her know I was on my way.  She didn't say anything about the children being there.  Later she said that she had expected the grandchildren to still be in bed.

Ruth has moderate mobility issues, but can manage whatever she wants to.  She did not get out of her chair while I was there.  She sent the children out to my car so she didn't have to get up.  If she hadn't told them about the toys, things would've gone much better.  Since she did tell them, four children I'd never seen before ambushed me, screaming "gimme gimme" and grabbing things.

Also, if she hadn't told them, I would've discretely made sure the grandchildren didn't know about the box.

[JenJay]

So the grandchildren took toys intended for the poor neighbor children? That is rude, assuming Ruth knew the neighbor childen were the intended giftees.

Was this the case?

That's how it sounded to me, too. 

That happened to me once. I had a coworker with two toddlers and extremely limited income. Our VCR died and we decided not to replace it, having purchased all our movies on DVD or BluRay for several years back, so I offered my friend a big box of VHS movies. Most were Disney or Nick Jr. movies but there were also quite a few movies I knew she and her husband would enjoy. One day I took the box into our workplace and stashed it somewhere out of the way and then ran by coworker's desk and told her where it was. In the meantime another coworker asked about the box and I explained what was up (so she definitely knew I intended to give them all to someone specific). A couple of hours later I heard through the grapevine that 2nd lady had told a few people that there were free movies, she had taken some, and she offered them to others. By the time I found out the lady I'd intended them for had retrieved the box but I had no way of knowing how many movies she actually got. She thanked me a lot and mentioned how happy her family was to have a bunch of new movies, but I have a feeling she only got half of what I'd wanted to give her. 

[LeveeWoman]

I'd think about telling Ruth to make her grandchildren give back the toys.

[CrazyDaffodilLady]

I'd think about telling Ruth to make her grandchildren give back the toys.

I'm hoping the privileged grandchildren will get bored with the toys and leave them behind so that the toys wind up with the neighbor kids after all.

Another thing I felt badly about was that the youngest smallest child (neighbor child) wound up with far less than the bigger kids.

[LeveeWoman]

I'd think about telling Ruth to make her grandchildren give back the toys.

I'm hoping the privileged grandchildren will get bored with the toys and leave them behind so that the toys wind up with the neighbor kids after all.

Another thing I felt badly about was that the youngest smallest child (neighbor child) wound up with far less than the bigger kids.

I don't think I'd wait and hope.

[MamaMootz]

So, let me get this straight: you brought a box of toys to give specifically to the poor neighbor kids. Ruth's grandkids then descended on your car and took all of the toys intended for the neighbor kids?

I don't want to sound snarky, and this might, but: why on earth didn't Ruth tell her own grandkids that those toys were not intended for them? That's not right - if they have too many toys, why do they get to take away toys intended for other kids who have very little? I would probably not have been a very popular person with Ruth's grandkids, as I'd have stopped them from going through the box and made sure they understood that the toys were not for them. 

If I were in your shoes, I'd be mighty irritated and future gifts of that nature would be between myself and the neighbor family, or no gifts at all.

[Outdoor Girl]

I don't know as Ruth was rude but she was an idiot.  Why would she tell her grandchildren and a couple of the neighbour kids that you were coming over with toys?  Not only did it put the kids in an absolute frenzy but it stole a little of your thunder, in a way, because you didn't get to hand the toys out the way you would have liked.

Ruth also should have warned you that the kids were going to be there.  If you'd have know the grandkids were there, you might have held off bringing the toys over or have left them in the trunk until they went home/to bed or something.  If I had been the one swarmed, I'm not sure I could have handled it.  I'm quite sure I would have yelled at the kids.  And I probably would have made them put all the toys back and made them all feel badly.  Not that they didn't necessarily deserved to feel that way with the grabby hands.  I can forgive the neighbour kids more easily than Ruth's grandkids, though.

Hindsight being 20/20, I think I would have told the grandkids that while they were welcome to play with the toys for a little while, they now belonged to the neighbour kids.

[hannahmollysmom]

I would probably cut Helen and her sibling some slack. It sounds like they don't have much, so when Ruth told them, they were just overwhelmed with excitement. You did say they were pretty well behaved, minus the time of your arrival.

Ruth shouldn't have said anything ahead of time, and shouldn't have allowed her grandchildren access. JMO

[Iris]

I would probably cut Helen and her sibling some slack. It sounds like they don't have much, so when Ruth told them, they were just overwhelmed with excitement. You did say they were pretty well behaved, minus the time of your arrival.

Ruth shouldn't have said anything ahead of time, and shouldn't have allowed her grandchildren access. JMO

It's also possible that they were trying to claim *something* before the grandchildren got the lot.

If my children took toys intended for other children I would have something to say about it, believe you me. It bothers me a *lot* that Ruth just let her grandchildren take toys intended for others, ESPECIALLY those less well off than they 

[Margo]

I agree that Ruth was clueless to have told the childrne in advance that you were bringing toys, and not to have asserted herself with her own grandchildren to make it clear to them that the toys were not for them.

I also think that you could have been much firmed. Even though it was your intention to give the toys to the neighbour chilren, you had not done so at the time you arrived, so when Helen first tried to grab something you could have very clearly said "Put that back. When we are indoors we can look at wheat there is, and who it is for" I also think that as the toys were yours you could have repeated this with the grandchildren - as while Ruth was the adult responsible for them, you were the adult responsible for the toys. What would you have done if you you had been bringing (say) cupcakes for Ruth and the childrne hd tried to grab them?

It's not rude to be firm with people who are over-stepping boundaries.