Needy and greedy Update #28

[CrazyDaffodilLady]

O.P. here.  After a day of reflection, I realize that what upsets me most was that I feel I was set up.  Ruth lets the kids run wild, and that’s exhausting with four kids.  I suspect that Ruth intentionally neglected to mention that the kids were there because she thought it might keep me from coming over at that time.  Getting the kids hyped up about the toys resulted in me being their entertainment for an hour, while Ruth sat in her chair and knitted.   

[weeblewobble]

Then Ruth needs to send the neighbor kids back home.  I admire her for trying to her out their grandmother, but it's not right to take on a burden like that and then pass it off to the first unsuspecting person that crosses her path.

[still in va]

Then Ruth needs to send the neighbor kids back home.  I admire her for trying to her out their grandmother, but it's not right to take on a burden like that and then pass it off to the first unsuspecting person that crosses her path.

weeblewobble, if i'm remembering correctly, these four children were not the neighbor children that the toys were meant for, but Ruth's grandchildren who started grabbing the toys as soon as CrazyDaffodilLady got out of her car.

edited to insert the correct username, and not the nickname i use for weeble!

[grannyclampettjr]

Not a parent either, but this is super simple.  All you say is "no sweetie, this is for someone else."  Big smile.  Put them out of reach.  Ask them about their dolls, bikes, character on their t shirt. 

Kids are simple. 

[Mom2PBJ]

Then Ruth needs to send the neighbor kids back home.  I admire her for trying to her out their grandmother, but it's not right to take on a burden like that and then pass it off to the first unsuspecting person that crosses her path.

weeblewobble, if i'm remembering correctly, these four children were not the neighbor children that the toys were meant for, but Ruth's grandchildren who started grabbing the toys as soon as CrazyDaffodilLady got out of her car.

edited to insert the correct username, and not the nickname i use for weeble!

Actually I believe two were grandchildren and two were the neighbor children.

[LadyL]

Apparently Ruth had told the kids I was arriving with gifts, and they were in a frenzy of greed.  As soon as I opened the car door, Helen grabbed a large toy from the box and announced, “I want this”.  The other children then started grabbing toys from the box. 

This reminds me of a distinct memory I have from 3rd grade. My seat in class was near a small fridge where the teacher would store juices and snacks for the class. One day towards the end of lunch she announced there were some extra juices and maybe chocolate milks or something, and anyone who wanted one could come up and get one. Mind you, these were seconds, we'd each had one already. A bunch of kids basically ran up and started grabbing at the juices as if they were starving in a desert or something, trying to get the "good" flavors before the other kids. I remember being appalled at how greedy they were acting and thinking "oh come on, it's just juice!"

OP what I'm saying is I know how off putting this sort of behavior can be - the complete lack of self control that kids can have and the greedy impulse. It's something kids have to be taught to regulate and it really wasn't your job to turn your donation into a "teaching moment." Sorry it had to be so unpleasant. But if you wanted to take control, one thing to do is turn on your best "teacher voice" and say something like "Whoa whoa whoa hold on a minute! Please put that toy back. We're going to go inside, and each grandkid can pick one small toy, but the rest of these are for the neighbor kids."

[CrazyDaffodilLady]

It was indeed two grandchildren and two neighbor children.

As mentioned, the neighbor children are being raised by an elderly not-quite-right grandmother.  I think Grandma is using Ruth as a free baby sitter more and more frequently.  There are 4-6 kids living with Grandma (I haven’t quite figured it out yet). 

I don’t expect to encounter the literal gift grab situation again, but now I know that I need to take a deep breath and pause things long enough to get control.  I was completely ambushed and, as a non-parent, was totally unprepared for the maelstrom that four young children can create. 

The first child to grab a toy was neighbor kid Helen.  She got the best toy, which was intended for her anyway.  I didn’t like rewarding her behavior, but at the same time I was pleased that she got the best toy. 

To all the parents out there:  Wow.  You have a really hard job.

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

Hmm. Maybe if this does come up again, keep everything in the car and first go and assess the situation. If you have a group of kids wanting the stuff again, then you can say what the deal is before anyone sees the box, or just choose to not get it out at that time.

I am a parent and it would have thrown me a bit too. Though I think I would have yelled and said something like, "What do you think you're doing!?" Which wouldn't have been great.

[bah12]

Well, as far as the kids' behavior...assuming that they are all under 11, I don't necessarily think that they acted out of the ordinary for kids that age.  Especially ones that have been told someone is coming over with presents/toys.  And while I do think that 11 is old enough to learn how to refrain, if she doesn't have much and is being raised by someone that isn't all there, I don't think her behavior is all that surprising.

If Ruth knows that you would have not come over if the kids were there and deliberately decided not to tell you, then yes, she was rude.  But, if this is something that she thought wouldn't make a difference (and for me, it wouldn't), then I don't think she was rude not to say anything.  You were bringing the toys for the kids and she may have thought you would like to give them the gifts themselves.

I do think, though, that since the toys were not intended for her own grandchildren, she should have taken some effort to make sure that her grandkids did not take any.  Depending on their ages, I'd either have you present the toys when the grandkids weren't around, or if they were old enough explain that the toys are for the neighbors and they can be excited on their behalf.

[suzieQ]

It was indeed two grandchildren and two neighbor children.

As mentioned, the neighbor children are being raised by an elderly not-quite-right grandmother.  I think Grandma is using Ruth as a free baby sitter more and more frequently.  There are 4-6 kids living with Grandma (I haven’t quite figured it out yet). 

I don’t expect to encounter the literal gift grab situation again, but now I know that I need to take a deep breath and pause things long enough to get control.  I was completely ambushed and, as a non-parent, was totally unprepared for the maelstrom that four young children can create. 

The first child to grab a toy was neighbor kid Helen.  She got the best toy, which was intended for her anyway.  I didn’t like rewarding her behavior, but at the same time I was pleased that she got the best toy. 

To all the parents out there:  Wow.  You have a really hard job.

Seeing that the Grandma is using Ruth as a free babysitter more and more often, I don't feel quite as badly toward Ruth for letting her grandkids have some of the toys. Maybe she viewed it as a type of payment for the free babysitting? Not sure I'd be up for babysitting someone's kids all the time if I was in a mobility chair, myself.
It was rude of her, no doubt, since she knew toys were intended for neighbor kids. I just wonder if she is fed up being the free babysitter?

[bah12]

It was indeed two grandchildren and two neighbor children.

As mentioned, the neighbor children are being raised by an elderly not-quite-right grandmother.  I think Grandma is using Ruth as a free baby sitter more and more frequently.  There are 4-6 kids living with Grandma (I haven’t quite figured it out yet). 

I don’t expect to encounter the literal gift grab situation again, but now I know that I need to take a deep breath and pause things long enough to get control.  I was completely ambushed and, as a non-parent, was totally unprepared for the maelstrom that four young children can create. 

The first child to grab a toy was neighbor kid Helen.  She got the best toy, which was intended for her anyway.  I didn’t like rewarding her behavior, but at the same time I was pleased that she got the best toy. 

To all the parents out there:  Wow.  You have a really hard job.

Seeing that the Grandma is using Ruth as a free babysitter more and more often, I don't feel quite as badly toward Ruth for letting her grandkids have some of the toys. Maybe she viewed it as a type of payment for the free babysitting? Not sure I'd be up for babysitting someone's kids all the time if I was in a mobility chair, myself.
It was rude of her, no doubt, since she knew toys were intended for neighbor kids. I just wonder if she is fed up being the free babysitter?

That is not Ruth's call.  The OP was giving these toys to Ruth specifically for the neighbor children.  If she was giving the toys to Ruth to do as she pleased, it would be a different story.  But, as I understood the OP, Ruth was supposed to give the toys to the neighbors.  Not her grandchildren.

[lmyrs]

You know, if I were the OP, I'd be really mad that Ruth's grandchildren took toys that were not intended for them and I believe that I would mention it to Ruth. Not, necessarily, to make them give them back. More to tell Ruth that I was not well pleased with how that panned out. It sounds like Ruth told the neighbour children and the grandchildren that the OP was on the way over with toys for all of them. That was really horrible of her. She essentially set it up so that the OP had to either give toys to the grandchildren when that was never the intention or she had to be the "bad guy" and tell the grandchildren that they couldn't have any toys even though their grandma had said differently. Terrible.

This is Ruth's fault and I would tell her that I was very unhappy with the way that she hung me out to dry there. It isn't really relevant that she does free babysitting, etc. If she doesn't want to do it, don't do it. She doesn't get to have the OP buy toys for her grandchildren in exchange for babysitting the neighbours. That doesn't even make sense no matter how you try to twist the logic.

[Take2]

I would assume that if dotty grandma is raising these kids, they are under-parented. But I can manage MY time with them. And the friend's grandkids? Well, if she can't control them I can at least manage MY time with them.

So at the car, I would have fended them off. "Helen and siblings, I am so happy to see you excited about these toys! But we are going to get them all inside before we divide them up at all. I don't want the toys out of the boxes out here. Ruth's grandkids, these toys are for Helen and her siblings, but I am sure that if you ask nicely and promise to be gentle once they are passed out, they will let you play with them for a minute, too."

Children will only act as politely as they see benefiting them . By making it in their best interest to be polite, you are not only lowering your blood pressure, you might be helping them to succeed as adults some day. I was a poor child with horrible manners modeled for me most of the time, and I know I consciously emulated the people who I saw as successful and happy when I was little.

[CrazyDaffodilLady]

Update: Ruth called today.  I asked if the grandkids were gone and if they took the toys or left them there for the neighbor kids.  They took most of the toys.  The two neighbor kids wound up with one toy each (plus some craft items).  I mentioned that I was upset that the neighbor kids got so little, but that rolled right off Ruth.  Mostly she wanted to complain about small things the children had done. 

So, big fat lesson learned.  If there are any more gifts, I need to be prepared for anything and do whatever it takes to control the situation.   

[lmyrs]

I completely support you not wanting to make this into a THING, but I would seriously consider sitting Ruth down (or a phone call) to explain why what she did was so horrible. Because clearly she doesn't get it and that's how bad behaviour continues. I mean, no wonder her grandchildren are little monsters. They get to literally take toys away from needy children. If Ruth complains about them again, I think you should point that out.

Note: The little monsters comment is mostly about how Ruth seems to think they're spoiled and ill-behaved according to the OP's other posts. Well, Grandma, maybe it's time to start thinking about wht.