Author Topic: I don't like the way you give me "suggestions"  (Read 5559 times)

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JoyinVirginia

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Re: I don't like the way you give me "suggestions"
« Reply #15 on: September 18, 2012, 01:44:43 AM »
You can't change your father. You CAN change how you react to him. So either ignore out, our never give him an opening, or decrease visits, or have someone else do the skyping. I limited what I told my mother, because she would worry endlessly and keep asking me about something that had made her worry.

shygirl

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Re: I don't like the way you give me "suggestions"
« Reply #16 on: September 18, 2012, 07:43:15 AM »
You can't change your father. You CAN change how you react to him. So either ignore out, our never give him an opening, or decrease visits, or have someone else do the skyping. I limited what I told my mother, because she would worry endlessly and keep asking me about something that had made her worry.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone!  It seems that most people agree that it is my issue to deal with.  But I like the suggestions of things I could say to my dad!

It's not just about the milk drinking, it's about practically everything I do.  Just the other day, I had to give my son a timeout in his crib because he got mad at me and threw a spoon at me.  It happened while we were skyping, so after I put my son in his crib and came back to the computer to end the call, my dad started lecturing me on how I shouldn't give the kid too many time outs because "he will stop wanting to do anything".  This advice doesn't even make any sense to me, and it also seems contradictory to how he raised me.  Basically, he was Mr. Strict and never had (still has) nothing nice to say about me.  I should have just hung up on him, but I couldn't help myself when I said "What does that even mean?"  So, I gave my dad an opening to say that I am apparently stifling the kid's spirit by giving him timeouts when he acts up.  I nearly bit off my tongue trying not to call my dad a hypocrite and said sarcastically "thanks for the advice" and hung up on him.

Anyway, I'll do my best to continue ignoring him.  My feelings of resentment have been building up for a while, but I feel better after writing about it here.

cutejellybeen

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Re: I don't like the way you give me "suggestions"
« Reply #17 on: September 18, 2012, 08:20:30 AM »
Hi ShyGirl,
I have no real advice for you, as my father sounds very similar to yours, and is constantly steamrolling me on anything he can. My parents are recently separated, and I'm now seeing how my father does this to everyone in his life, not just me (which is sad,but makes me feel so much better).

Issues in my life with my Dad lately are, why I haven;t finished my patio (my husband broke his leg), why we haven't bought an island for our kitchen (we haven't found one we like), why I don't want to look  after his puppy when he goes away with his new gf (I told him before he got the dog that I would not be looking after it). Sadly this weekend I still took the dog, and then had anxiety about it all weekend as I was so mad at myself for backing down.

I am glad to hear that you are doing better at shutting your father down, and I'm hoping to take strength from that that it can be done.  I like your use of "why do you think I haven't done that yet", I'm hoping its something I can use on my father.

Basically just wanted to let you know that you arent alone, and some (hugs) as I know I find it so very difficult to break the pattern of getting hurt every time he tells me I'm doing something "wrong".



bopper

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Re: I don't like the way you give me "suggestions"
« Reply #18 on: September 18, 2012, 08:34:08 AM »
Slightly off topic, and not nagging like your Dad- but hating the taste of milk to the point of gagging could indicate a mild, latent lactose intolerance....basically it tastes "sour" because your body has associated it with feeling unwell. I'm lactose intolerant, and only had the "milk tastes sour" thing until a dose of antibiotics triggered it into full-blown lactose intolerance. I drink lactaid or calcium fortified OJ now, and it doesn't bother me anymore :)

My duaghteter wasn't so keen on milk when she was little either...we tried chocolate milk, etc.  Turned out she was somewhat lactose intolerant as well.  You could try Lactaid Milk.

Back to your father, you could say "Dad, thanks for the advice but this isn't your problem to solve.  For Junior, it is not so much that we force him to drink milk but that he is getting the right nutrition. I will be talking to his pediatrician about possible lactose intolerance and getting calcium and nutrients into him another way."

For any other thing, when you are skyping, you can say "Dad, I can see this topic is getting you upset.  Say, did I show you the cute thing Junior can do now?"


LeveeWoman

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Re: I don't like the way you give me "suggestions"
« Reply #19 on: September 18, 2012, 09:54:11 AM »
You can't change your father. You CAN change how you react to him. So either ignore out, our never give him an opening, or decrease visits, or have someone else do the skyping. I limited what I told my mother, because she would worry endlessly and keep asking me about something that had made her worry.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone!  It seems that most people agree that it is my issue to deal with.  But I like the suggestions of things I could say to my dad!

It's not just about the milk drinking, it's about practically everything I do.  Just the other day, I had to give my son a timeout in his crib because he got mad at me and threw a spoon at me.  It happened while we were skyping, so after I put my son in his crib and came back to the computer to end the call, my dad started lecturing me on how I shouldn't give the kid too many time outs because "he will stop wanting to do anything".  This advice doesn't even make any sense to me, and it also seems contradictory to how he raised me.  Basically, he was Mr. Strict and never had (still has) nothing nice to say about me. I should have just hung up on him, but I couldn't help myself when I said "What does that even mean?"  So, I gave my dad an opening to say that I am apparently stifling the kid's spirit by giving him timeouts when he acts up.  I nearly bit off my tongue trying not to call my dad a hypocrite and said sarcastically "thanks for the advice" and hung up on him.

Anyway, I'll do my best to continue ignoring him.  My feelings of resentment have been building up for a while, but I feel better after writing about it here.

I'd start doing that after saying tersely, "I have to go. Bye."

Please, stop giving this bully a chance to attack you, shygirl. You can't change him but you can show him that his bullying earns a shortened conversation.

Twik

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Re: I don't like the way you give me "suggestions"
« Reply #20 on: September 18, 2012, 09:59:41 AM »
You can't change your father. You CAN change how you react to him. So either ignore out, our never give him an opening, or decrease visits, or have someone else do the skyping. I limited what I told my mother, because she would worry endlessly and keep asking me about something that had made her worry.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone!  It seems that most people agree that it is my issue to deal with.  But I like the suggestions of things I could say to my dad!

It's not just about the milk drinking, it's about practically everything I do.  Just the other day, I had to give my son a timeout in his crib because he got mad at me and threw a spoon at me.  It happened while we were skyping, so after I put my son in his crib and came back to the computer to end the call, my dad started lecturing me on how I shouldn't give the kid too many time outs because "he will stop wanting to do anything".  This advice doesn't even make any sense to me, and it also seems contradictory to how he raised me.  Basically, he was Mr. Strict and never had (still has) nothing nice to say about me.  I should have just hung up on him, but I couldn't help myself when I said "What does that even mean?"  So, I gave my dad an opening to say that I am apparently stifling the kid's spirit by giving him timeouts when he acts up.  I nearly bit off my tongue trying not to call my dad a hypocrite and said sarcastically "thanks for the advice" and hung up on him.

Anyway, I'll do my best to continue ignoring him.  My feelings of resentment have been building up for a while, but I feel better after writing about it here.

EvilTwik would have puased and said, "So. That's what's wrong with me. You stifled my spirit. NOW I understand. I guess these things just pass from one generation to the next."
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Zilla

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Re: I don't like the way you give me "suggestions"
« Reply #21 on: September 18, 2012, 10:08:17 AM »
You can try and talk to your mom and tell her how it makes your dad makes you feel.  Maybe she can talk to him and let him know if you feel uncomfortable in telling him yourself.

Or like others said, turn it back on him. 

Dad-He has to drink milk!
You- You do know there are other things besides milk that give him the same nutrients?  Which is why luckily he will eat cheese, yogurt etc.  Besides his pedi is fine with it so DON"T worry!  Geez! (and insert a big patronizing smile)

Eden

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Re: I don't like the way you give me "suggestions"
« Reply #22 on: September 18, 2012, 10:53:18 AM »
My husband has an opinion on everything. Things that have nothing to do with him. I'll tell him I'm picking up Jane, then Amy and then we're going to dinner and he'll say, "Why are you doing that? It would make more sense to pick up Amy and then Jane." It can be infuriating. I understand. But it's not because he doubts my abilities or thinks it even matters. He can't help himself. It's ingrained in him. His whole family is that way. They all weigh in on everything the others do if given an opening. Exacerbating things is the fact that he runs a small business and isn't used to consensus building and independent thinkers. He runs crews and dictates how they do what they do as a necessity of his job.

I generally ignore, don't participate, or if it's a particularly egregious one say sarcastically, "Thank goodness you were here. I never would have been able to heat up this pizza without your guidance." He usually realizes how dopey his input was, but I know I'm never going to change him.

I guess my point is to take the following tactics:
1. Don't give him an opening. If you don't want to hear advice, don't bring up issues you're having.
2. Zen out. His compulsion to advise you has nothing to do with YOU. He can't help himself. It's not that he actively thinks you don't know what you're doing. He just has a thought and blurts it out. Once I changed my perspective on my husband's "helpful advice" the frequency with which it got to me reduced greatly. There are a few things I still avoid. I do not cook because he is a very good cook and can't stay out of the kitchen while I'm cooking. I don't really love cooking anyway, so I handed all cooking duties over to him and I handle the cleanup. Works for us.

bonyk

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Re: I don't like the way you give me "suggestions"
« Reply #23 on: September 18, 2012, 11:11:49 AM »
I would send an email, something like:

"I know that I will always be your little girl, but I really don't need correction on my parenting.  If you continue, we are going to be Skyping a lot less."

And then follow through.  I know you want your son to know them, but do you also want your son to see you being undermined/belittled? 

artk2002

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Re: I don't like the way you give me "suggestions"
« Reply #24 on: September 18, 2012, 11:48:18 AM »
I would send an email, something like:

"I know that I will always be your little girl, but I really don't need correction on my parenting.  If you continue, we are going to be Skyping a lot less."

And then follow through.  I know you want your son to know them, but do you also want your son to see you being undermined/belittled?

I would change that to "need or want".
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

anniehawks

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Re: I don't like the way you give me "suggestions"
« Reply #25 on: September 18, 2012, 01:19:14 PM »
My father was like this.  He gave us his opinion on everything we were doing.  Eventually, we learned to ignore it.  One time I overheard him telling a friend that he always told his kids what to do but we always just said "yes dad," and did what we wanted to anyway.  That made me laugh.   

ncmom22

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Re: I don't like the way you give me "suggestions"
« Reply #26 on: September 21, 2012, 12:50:32 PM »
My grandmother does this all the time.  Or she gets very alarmed when she thinks I am doing it wrong.  Now I just either ignore her or I am very careful not to mention anything in her presence.  I am also going to implement some of the suggestions in this thread.

mj

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Re: I don't like the way you give me "suggestions"
« Reply #27 on: September 21, 2012, 02:50:05 PM »
I try not to give people like that an opening.  So, when you do skype with him, perhaps shorten the length and frequencies of it and do it in a very controlled environment?  Right after nap time or lunch, or whenever your child is the least likely to need something.  Keep the length to 5 minutes etc.

Also, when it does happen to me by a certain family member I will say "thank you" very calmly and then find something else to do that needs my attention.

I also try to consciously remember who I am dealing with, so maybe before getting on skype prep yourself that this is Dad, and he likes to give suggestions.  That has helped me not get so blindsided.

None of this will stop him but maybe it can help you.

humptynumpty

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Re: I don't like the way you give me "suggestions"
« Reply #28 on: September 21, 2012, 04:58:53 PM »
His compulsion to advise you has nothing to do with YOU. He can't help himself. It's not that he actively thinks you don't know what you're doing. He just has a thought and blurts it out.


That is such a great explanation.  Don't view them as suggestions or comments about your parenting.  Just say okay and move on in the conversation. It will really take the wind out of his sails if you just say okay. There's nothing that is forcing you to take the advice and think of all the time you'll save instead of trying to explain yourself.


It seems that most people agree that it is my issue to deal with.  It's frustrating because he is causing the problem. But unfortunately, you can't change him. 


Mikayla

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Re: I don't like the way you give me "suggestions"
« Reply #29 on: September 21, 2012, 05:28:01 PM »
Your current method,  "Why do you think I haven't already tried that?", seems to be working. Keep doing that and give him fewer opening to give you suggestions.

I agree.  I'm a huge fan of "question-as-answer" when something is repetitive in nature and likely can't be resolved by a conversation.  Also, if it ever happens when your DS isn't around to provide a distraction, I don't see anything wrong in waiting to see his response.  If the response is vague, gently remind him it was a legitimate question. 

You can't force it much beyond that, but if the implications that you're stupid make you uncomfortable, it's not wrong to head him off at the pass by making him a little more uncomfortable next time he decides to toss out another "suggestion".