Author Topic: 1st Anniversary of a death: warning, sad  (Read 6759 times)

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Calypso

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1st Anniversary of a death: warning, sad
« on: September 17, 2012, 03:47:53 PM »
My email account got hacked 6 weeks ago and in the process of notifying my mailing list, I heard back from an old friend with whom I've been out of touch for years, but she and I were very close as children.

Shockingly, I learned that her adult son died last year; it was an accident, but he had had substance abuse issues in the past, and this involved a dangerous substance, so there was all that as well.

My question: this Friday is the anniversary of his death. I know she is going through an even rougher time right now than the already beyond horrible time she's had since losing him. Of course I want to let her know I am thinking of her. Aside from emailing her, would it be nice or awful to send her flowers? Or----what would be the most comforting thing to do? She's already said she'd like to visit in person (she lives a few hours away) but not until the anniversary is past.
« Last Edit: September 17, 2012, 03:50:43 PM by Calypso »

Outdoor Girl

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Re: 1st Anniversary of a death: warning, sad
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2012, 03:53:57 PM »
Flowers would be fine but I'm sure she'd appreciate even just a 'Thinking of You' card if you can get one in the mail tomorrow so it arrives by Friday.
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Re: 1st Anniversary of a death: warning, sad
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2012, 04:12:06 PM »
I'd write her a note, and mention any happy memories you have of him.
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It's good to be Queen

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Re: 1st Anniversary of a death: warning, sad
« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2012, 04:14:38 PM »
Flowers would be very thoughtful, but just a note would be nice too. 

Snooks

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Re: 1st Anniversary of a death: warning, sad
« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2012, 04:26:49 PM »
I'd send a "thinking of you" card, flowers remind me too much of what goes on a grave and to me they're just a bit too personal for this.

heartmug

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Re: 1st Anniversary of a death: warning, sad
« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2012, 06:44:34 PM »
Flowers would be very thoughtful, but just a note would be nice too.

POD.  Very few people think of the first year anniversary so what you are doing is special.
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sourwolf

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Re: 1st Anniversary of a death: warning, sad
« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2012, 08:29:30 PM »
I agree with heartmug.  People tend to be so uncomfortable with death that they try and pretend that everything is normal, when for the person grieving, especially on a first anniversary it seems like things will never be normal again.  I would definitely send a card or give her a call.

Isometric

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Re: 1st Anniversary of a death: warning, sad
« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2012, 08:32:10 PM »
I also agree that flowers/card would be thoughtful.

If you're not that close, just an email to say you're thinking of her would be appreciated.

AngelicGamer

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Re: 1st Anniversary of a death: warning, sad
« Reply #8 on: September 17, 2012, 10:29:23 PM »
If you want to send flowers, I would.  The first anniversary of my grandfather's death was when my grandmother got a bunch of flowers from friends of theirs and family.  She loved all of them.

Or, if you want to cheer her up in another way, there are edible bouquets that send fruit and chocolate.  :)




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thunderroad

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Re: 1st Anniversary of a death: warning, sad
« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2012, 07:00:41 AM »
I am going to start by saying that of course every family, every person is different and handles such days differently.  I can only give feedback on how my family has handled the death of a young person very dear to us.

His mother and sisters--obviously those closest to him--chose, for the first several years, to be alone on the anniversary of his death.  I am very close to my sister and she didn't even want to talk to me.  For this reason, my instinct is that something that lets your friend know that you are thinking of her but puts no obligation on her to respond right away is best. 

My instinct is that an email is best--just to let her know that you are thinking of her on this day, you are there for her, and as others have suggested, if you have a good memory to share about her son, that's lovely. 

For some reason the flowers don't strike me as the right note--but then again, it is hard to see how anything prompted by the desire to comfort your friend on such a dark day could go too far wrong.  It is kind of you to think of her--as others have mentioned, too often well-meaning friends are afraid to mention or acknowledge death, which causes its own grief.

As a further note, in our family we do not mark the anniversary of my nephew's death but his birthday, as we choose to remember his life rather than his death.  You might be alert for any mention of your friend doing the same, or making any donations or charitable efforts in her son's name that you would feel comfortable supporting.

Again, it is very kind of you to think of her. 

PennyandPleased

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Re: 1st Anniversary of a death: warning, sad
« Reply #10 on: September 18, 2012, 11:11:58 AM »
I agree with others that a card would be perfect - write a note in it, as in several lines, saying how you are thinking of her and she and her family are in your thoughts. Show that you care. I know she will appreciate it.

If you do end up sending flowers make sure they are cheerful. Stay FAR AWAY from lillies, white flowers, etc. Think more along the lines of gerber daisys - basically you want them to "brighten" the room, not make it feel like a funeral home.

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Re: 1st Anniversary of a death: warning, sad
« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2012, 06:05:46 PM »
I just wanted to chime in and say thanks for the replies here. The anniversary of a friend's death is coming, and although i used to be close with his family they now ... just aren't, and i know they are still in shock and grieving. I think i will skip flowers and send them a card with a short note.

ETA: I'm sorry, calypso. That must have been shocking. {{{hugs}}}
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