Help with birthday party...possible cancellation. update 14 final update 18

[sassydeej]

DD wanted to have a friend birthday party and invite the girls in her 3rd grade class at school, so DH and I discussed it and decided to include them with the family party and have it at a local park.  She handed the invitations out at school last week and we included a RSVP date for this coming Thursday and the number to contact.  We haven't heard back from anyone officially and a few girls have told DD that they might or might not be there  but not to be surprised if they aren't there.  My question is this.  If we don't get any RSVP's from the school friends by Thursday night would it be rude for us to send a note to school on Friday telling all the girls that the party is cancelled and if not rude how should we word it?

DH and I are tired of people not RSVPing and we would have just had the family over for cake and ice cream in the afternoon instead of meeting at the park.  I realize that people are busy and it is hard to get to birthday parties that aren't family related on Sunday afternoons, but just RSVP and let us know.

[Solanna Dryden]

Depends on how you word the note. If you make it a passive-aggressive jab at how the party is cancelled because *SOME PEOPLE* didn't RSVP, then yeah that's pretty rude. But if you lie a little and say that due to something that came up unexpectedly, the party will have to be cancelled/rescheduled (and then never reschedule), I think that could work.

That seems a little cruel, however, to punish your daughter by taking away her birthday party because of the rude behaviour of her guests.

[MrsCrazyPete]

I don't really like the idea of canceling. 3rd grade-age is such an exciting time for birthdays; of course she wants to share that with her friends! What about calling up some parents and asking if their child is attending? It's possible some parents didn't see the invitations and might not even know about it.

[sassydeej]

Depends on how you word the note. If you make it a passive-aggressive jab at how the party is cancelled because *SOME PEOPLE* didn't RSVP, then yeah that's pretty rude. But if you lie a little and say that due to something that came up unexpectedly, the party will have to be cancelled/rescheduled (and then never reschedule), I think that could work.

That seems a little cruel, however, to punish your daughter by taking away her birthday party because of the rude behaviour of her guests.

We wouldn't cancel celebrating her birthday, it would just end up being the usual family one as the grandparents have replied that they will be attending and I'm pretty sure they won't mind not going to the park. 

I'm worried about it being more cruel for her to be waiting at the park for potential guests to show up and no school friends show up.  Either way she will be disappointed, but we might be able to salvage it before hand if she knows it is cancelled instead of hoping for guests and getting no shows.

[sassydeej]

I don't really like the idea of canceling. 3rd grade-age is such an exciting time for birthdays; of course she wants to share that with her friends! What about calling up some parents and asking if their child is attending? It's possible some parents didn't see the invitations and might not even know about it.

I don't have any of their phone numbers as the school doesn't give us that information.  DD would have to get the phone numbers in school from the girls.  This is a pretty new batch of friends this year and the girls we had numbers for from last year aren't in her class this year.  We decided to only invite the girls from her class as we are trying to have minimal contact with one girl who was in her class last year and she thought of DD as her friend and no one else could play with DD.

[Airelenaren]

hmm, I could be wrong, but I see two possible ways of how this might have gone wrong:
1) The kids might not have given the invitations to their parents, so their parent might not have known that you wanted a response. They might also have assumed that the kids would arrange the confirming or declining amongst themselves after asking.
2) Your wording might not have been clear enough. Like say, if you wrote "please RSVP" instead of "please give us a call" or something. Or if there was some way to misunderstand it to mean you wanted a later response (perhaps a day or two in advance). I don't know how you worded it, of course, I'm just trying to think of possible explanations.
Maybe your daughter could remind her friends in school that you're waiting for a response from their parents?

[Sootikin]

If no one responds I'd just move it to your house anyway.  If anyone shows up at the park without RSVPing them more fool them.

[sassydeej]

hmm, I could be wrong, but I see two possible ways of how this might have gone wrong:
1) The kids might not have given the invitations to their parents, so their parent might not have known that you wanted a response. They might also have assumed that the kids would arrange the confirming or declining amongst themselves after asking.
2) Your wording might not have been clear enough. Like say, if you wrote "please RSVP" instead of "please give us a call" or something. Or if there was some way to misunderstand it to mean you wanted a later response (perhaps a day or two in advance). I don't know how you worded it, of course, I'm just trying to think of possible explanations.
Maybe your daughter could remind her friends in school that you're waiting for a response from their parents?

I wrote for them to RSVP by Sept. 20th and said to call or text sassydeej at 555-555-1234, I tried to make it super easy for them.

I will remind DD to tell her friends that they need to have their parents let us know.  She said that many of the girls have so far said maybe or maybe not  we will just have to wait and see what happens. 

[dietcokeofevil]

If you invited all the girls in the class, could you contact the teacher and ask for the parents emails - or ask her to forward an email from you to them?

[bonyk]

If you invited all the girls in the class, could you contact the teacher and ask for the parents emails - or ask her to forward an email from you to them?

I wouldn't do this.  I am an elementary teacher, and these type of requests really annoy me.  I rarely have time to eat lunch or go to the bathroom during the average school day; I definitely don't have the time, desire, or energy to be put into the middle of RSVP struggles. 

[WillyNilly]

hmm, I could be wrong, but I see two possible ways of how this might have gone wrong:
1) The kids might not have given the invitations to their parents, so their parent might not have known that you wanted a response. They might also have assumed that the kids would arrange the confirming or declining amongst themselves after asking.
2) Your wording might not have been clear enough. Like say, if you wrote "please RSVP" instead of "please give us a call" or something. Or if there was some way to misunderstand it to mean you wanted a later response (perhaps a day or two in advance). I don't know how you worded it, of course, I'm just trying to think of possible explanations.
Maybe your daughter could remind her friends in school that you're waiting for a response from their parents?

I wrote for them to RSVP by Sept. 20th and said to call or text sassydeej at 555-555-1234, I tried to make it super easy for them.

I will remind DD to tell her friends that they need to have their parents let us know.  She said that many of the girls have so far said maybe or maybe not  we will just have to wait and see what happens.

You do realize its only the 19th, right?

its annoying and frustrating but the reality is many people wait until the very last minute to RSVP.  Heck with kids they might think they are supposed to RSVP on the date listed, and not understand it could happen any day up to the 20th.

[O'Dell]

So the deadline is tomorrow? Why not send your daughter to school tomorrow or Friday with the list of invitees and have her ask for a firm yes or no? Maybe even ask the girls "What did your mom and dad say? Did they say that you can come to my party?" If they can't say yes to that question, then she tells them that they can't come....that she has to tell her mom and dad the exact number of friends attending at the end of Thurs/Friday.

Because isn't this similar to what would happen if you had asked adults for RSVPs and didn't get responses? You'd contact non-responders and press for a yes or no. Your daughter will be learning this early.

[JaneJensen]

  We had this happen to us. Sent out invites to a skating party and got a bunch of "maybe's" and " I'm not sures"  We just paid per head so I didn't need a firm count but I wanted an idea. On the day of the party I had no idea who was coming and who wasn't.
One girl showed. only one. Apparently Saturday of Mother's day weekend is a BAD day to choose a birthday party. people were busy- too busy to ring me up and say yes or no.

My dd was devastated. Cried so much that she didn't even want to stay and skate anymore so we made arrangements to just bring the one girl home with us and they went swimming instead.

Looking back, I wish I would have cancelled it. My dd is still bothered by it years later and hasn't tried to plan anymore birthday parties.

To the OP, I would cancel it, and I wouldn't bother telling anyone it was cancelled.  I also wouldn't have your poor dd chase kids around asking them if they can come because that reeks of desperation. To this day, I don't know if the " Maybe" answers were made because the kids genuinely didn't know ( or care) if they could come, or if they were trying to be polite and not hurt my dd's feelings that they had no desire to come to her party.

[Danika]

If no one responds I'd just move it to your house anyway.  If anyone shows up at the park without RSVPing them more fool them.

I was already going to POD this and then I read JaneJensen's post, and now I definitely think it's what you should do.

[sassydeej]

OP here with a small update...

Last night DH and I ran into one of the moms of DD's classmates and asked if her daughter would be able to make it on Sunday.  She told us she didn't know yet and would let us know later.  Shortly before DD's bedtime I got a phone call from a parent of a classmate and they are planning to be there.  So we will go ahead with the party as planned and DD is super excited that a friend RSVP ed and is coming on Sunday.

I still don't know about a few of the family and friends that were invited, but this is par for the course and I don't feel guilty about changing things on them as they don't seem to worry about RSVPing until the day of sometimes.

It will be interesting to see how many other classmates call between now and Sunday or just show up Sunday.  My plan is to have stuff ready for goodie bags, but not open anything extra if I don't need to, so I can return items if unused.  DD is super excited to go pick out her cake today and to prep for the party, but I did tell her that from here on out it will be sleepovers or 1 or 2 friends at a time.


eta:  Thanks to everyone for your help and suggestions.  Hope you all have a great weekend.