Inviting the Live-In Girlfriend

[QueenofAllThings]

I'll try to make this brief.

My eldest lives with his girlfriend (he's 24). They live about 4 hours away. We are planning on spending Thanksgiving weekend at my childhood summer home - 2 hrs from us, and 6 hrs from him (with lots of family). While we know it's a long trip, we would really, really like them to come - we see him so rarely. If he doesn't come, he'll go to her family for Thanksgiving (also 4 hours from where they live).

I have spoken to him about this and he said they haven't made their plans yet. That's OK - not everyone is an organizing plan-ahead control freak like me. Here's the issue - he tends to take the easiest route, which is probably going to her house. The King really wants him there (as do I). I have a friendly relationship with his girlfriend - we're Facebook friends and exchange Christmas gifts, etc. - and I know he'll be happier if she comes (rather than splitting up for the holiday).

Would I be out of line to talk to her to make sure she knows about the invitation? I want her to know she's welcome, but don't want him to think I'm 'butting in' or managing him. Am I trying to swing the decision my way? You betcha. But I don't want to cause any problems, because that is rather against the point. I'm  OK with splitting the weekend with her family BTW.

[hobish]

If i were she i would love that. I have a great relationshp with Gish's mom, and if she called (or texted, or messaged me on Facebook) to invite me to Thanksgiving i would be tickled. LOL, and not just because Gish doesn't tell me anything   He has a good relationship with her, too, as it sounds like you do with your son, and i can't imagine him minding it. It might be just a liiiiitle bit early; but not everyone is a last minute by-the-seat-of-their-pants type person as i am

I don't know if that helps etiquette-wise, but i hope it does.

[jmarvellous]

For my BF and I, invitations from his family go through him, and invitations from my family go through me.

That's the way it should be, I think. If they're going to be together for the foreseeable future, making this one Thanksgiving too big of a deal might be overbearing.

Speaking just for us, BF and my mom get along great, but I'd feel like they were going behind my back if one of them set up a visit (or encouraged a visit) without me involved -- particularly if I already knew about it and said I'd take care of it!

[NyaChan]

If you are worried about her not getting the message about the invite:

"LiveInGirlfriend, I've already spoken to Son about this, but I wanted to personally extend an invitation to you for this Thanksgiving.  I know the two of you will have to see how your plans for the holidays work out, but DH and I would love to have you and Son join us in City at our summer home if you are able to make it."  But I would leave it at that, it lets her know that you would be happy to see the two of them for thanksgiving, but acknowledges that the decision is up to them.

[Hmmmmm]

If you are worried about her not getting the message about the invite:

"LiveInGirlfriend, I've already spoken to Son about this, but I wanted to personally extend an invitation to you for this Thanksgiving.  I know the two of you will have to see how your plans for the holidays work out, but DH and I would love to have you and Son join us in City at our summer home if you are able to make it."  But I would leave it at that, it lets her know that you would be happy to see the two of them for thanksgiving, but acknowledges that the decision is up to them.

This.  In my family, reaching out to the SO's of family members is seen as an inclusive gesture, not a control issue.  We want them to know we are just as eager to see the SO as we are the family member. 

[jmarvellous]

I'd like to modify my response: I think NyaChan's approach is great!

(I was thinking of a "Since we don't trust Son to make the right decision himself" invite, which I maintain is wrong.)

[WillyNilly]

If you are worried about her not getting the message about the invite:

"LiveInGirlfriend, I've already spoken to Son about this, but I wanted to personally extend an invitation to you for this Thanksgiving.  I know the two of you will have to see how your plans for the holidays work out, but DH and I would love to have you and Son join us in City at our summer home if you are able to make it."  But I would leave it at that, it lets her know that you would be happy to see the two of them for thanksgiving, but acknowledges that the decision is up to them.

Yup.  Using a welcoming, caring approach is the right way to try to manipulate the situation 
I think this is appropriate and friendly and not "pressure" but just a lovely thing to send.  I can't imagine the girlfriend would have a negative reaction.  And I imagine your son would be happy to know you think of his girlfriend as an "of course" invitee and someone you are willing to coordinate plans with (after all the easiest way out is to not be involved in the planning!)

[gramma dishes]

"LiveInGirlfriend, I've already spoken to Son about this, but I wanted to personally extend an invitation to you for this Thanksgiving.  I know the two of you will have to see how your plans for the holidays work out, but DH and I would love to have you and Son join us in City at our summer home if you are able to make it."  But I would leave it at that, it lets her know that you would be happy to see the two of them for thanksgiving, but acknowledges that the decision is up to them.

Yes.  This is absolutely perfect.  You're extending the invitation to her personally while making it clear that you've already discussed this with your son and you're not going behind anyone's back.  The invitation is sincere, but there is no pressure at all involved.  Beautiful wording.  Perfection.

[buvezdevin]

POD, to the nth.

Should it be helpful for future situations, will mention that in not entirely dissimilar nor identical situations, I have found it helpful to email both members of a couple with initial details for holidays, then follow up.  It has been useful in letting the "scheduler" for the couple (in my case, the lovely young woman who recently married my boyfriend's son) know - as the "non-scheduler" would forget to tell her.  She has been lovely and graciously has worked to make their schedule work for her family, ours and others to all spend time together at or around the holidays.  He is also lovely, and very social, but less good at the scheduling details - so letting them both know in early planning for holidays or significant events has benefitted all.

[Arrynne]

Since the "kids" live together, it's nice to treat her like a member of the family and invite her yourself. Let her know that you would really like to see the two of them.

[rigs32]

I don't know your relationship with her, but at their age, I would guess she would appreciate a personal invite rather than feeling like she's being invited just because she's involved with your son.  It would probably go a long way to bridge any discomfort she might feel about sharing a holiday out of town with your family.

[LifeOnPluto]

If you're Facebook friends with her, I see nothing wrong with dropping her a brief line to say "We'd love to have you and Son stay with us at our holiday house over Thanksgiving" etc.

[kareng57]

Yes, I've kind of learned my lesson.  We were planning on attending a local folk-festival a few months ago and I mentioned it to DS #1, who has been living with his GF (she's now his fiancee  ) for more than four years.  She'd attended in past years and I knew that she'd enjoyed it.  DS:  "yeah, I'll ask her and get back to you".

It turned out later that they'd arranged an OOT visit to her dad's that weekend.  When she found out, she was SO disappointed - of course DS had completely forgotten about it and they'd already made travel reservations.

So I agree with PPs - you really can't go wrong with a personal invitation.

[Snooks]

I agree with NyaChan's tactic.  Just for the record avoid mentioning anything about not seeing them very often because it sounds like they live far away from her family too.  Lots of people do split for the holidays before they're married so maybe they'll choose to do that.  Also, I'm sure this isn't the case with you, exchanging Christmas gifts and being Facebook friends does not guarantee a close (or even comfortable) relationship, all it gives you is family harmony.

[siamesecat2965]

Speaking as someone who, although my former BF and I didn't LIVE together, we were together for a good 6+ years, was pretty much ignored by his parents, I'd be thrilled to get a personal invite.  I think  NyaChan's response is perfect; you're letting her know she's welcome, but are not forcing the issue.