Inviting the Live-In Girlfriend

[lowspark]

I just make it a policy that any time I want my son and his wife to join us for anything, I email or text both of them. Even if I have a verbal conversation with my son out of the presence of his wife, I follow it up in an email to both.

That way, they both know about it, can discuss it between themselves before getting back to me, and all the details are laid out in one place. I don't understand the idea that everything from his side of the family should go to him and everything from her side of the family should go to her. My point of view is that she is now as much a part of my family as he is so they both need to be asked or informed at the same time.

In this case, what I'd probably do is just go ahead and email both of them, and say it's a reminder.
Dear son & gf,
Just a reminder that we'd love to have you join us for TG at the summer home. Here are the details. Please let us know if we can expect you.
Love, Queen

[jammytoast]

This is a tricky one. I would extend the invitation and maybe make it clear that this year is special (because of xyz) and that it would be particularly lovely if they could join you this year, but that you understand DS's GF family also might have calls on her time, or that next year they may want to spend with her family. i.e. be warm, enthusiastic, but don't apply pressure.

I'm very close to my family, and my DBF is close to his. Which is great...up until the point that our mothers (and it's largely them as opposed to fathers) get upset that we're not at every family event. Christmas last year was a nightmare - we spent every night for a week at either his or my parents' house having the same conversations with different family members (same city, but still..hardly a holiday). When his mother applies too much pressure on us to attend something it just sets my hackles up (I can tell my own mother 'no' but it's harder with his), and makes me not want to go, whereas if I know it's a special event (and particularly if it's one I know that DBF would like to go to) I'll make the concession. Also, if he decides to not come, try not to blame his GF (not saying you would, just from my own experience). BF's mother does this to me (when in fact it's BF being either lukewarm/not telling me about it and I've made plans/being indecisive about whether he wants to go), and it really puts me off spending more time there. (obviously that's just me - your son's GF may be nothing like that).

[BeagleMommy]

My MIL always did this, even when DH and I were just dating, because she knew her son well and knew he would forget to tell/ask me about whatever the invitation was for.

Yes, I am the scheduler in the family.

[SPuck]

Also, if he decides to not come, try not to blame do not blame his GF

This is what stands out most to me. I would go with everyone suggestions about sending an invitation to the girlfriend also, but beyond that there isn't much else you can do. If your son isn't into the scheduling thing and starts going with whatever his girlfriend decides, then the only one who can change this is your son. My mom was a little depressed when my brother started splitting holidays, but she didn't say anything to my brother besides inviting him like normal. There is nothing you can do (without making the etiquette situation worse) if your son doesn't make the effort with his own family. I know it is harsh, but its true.

[Sootikin]

Also, if he decides to not come, try not to blame do not blame his GF

This is what stands out most to me. I would go with everyone suggestions about sending an invitation to the girlfriend also, but beyond that there isn't much else you can do. If your son isn't into the scheduling thing and starts going with whatever his girlfriend decides, then the only one who can change this is your son. My mom was a little depressed when my brother started splitting holidays, but she didn't say anything to my brother besides inviting him like normal. There is nothing you can do (without making the etiquette situation worse) if your son doesn't make the effort with his own family. I know it is harsh, but its true.

I don't agree there's nothing Queen can do if her son doesn't make the effort.  She can mention to his GF that she'd like to see them both more and what can they all do to make that happen.  I've had this sort of discussion with ex's family members and never took it as an attack on me, more an acknowledgement that he was rubbish at arranging things.

[SPuck]

I don't agree there's nothing Queen can do if her son doesn't make the effort.  She can mention to his GF that she'd like to see them both more and what can they all do to make that happen.  I've had this sort of discussion with ex's family members and never took it as an attack on me, more an acknowledgement that he was rubbish at arranging things.

You can have a discussion, you can present options, but beyond that, if you have offspring that just goes with their partner's plans, guilting and pressure, asking more than once, reminding more than once, is just going to make things worse.

[Ginya]

Also, if he decides to not come, try not to blame do not blame his GF

This is what stands out most to me. I would go with everyone suggestions about sending an invitation to the girlfriend also, but beyond that there isn't much else you can do. If your son isn't into the scheduling thing and starts going with whatever his girlfriend decides, then the only one who can change this is your son. My mom was a little depressed when my brother started splitting holidays, but she didn't say anything to my brother besides inviting him like normal. There is nothing you can do (without making the etiquette situation worse) if your son doesn't make the effort with his own family. I know it is harsh, but its true.

POD to all of this.

[Dindrane]

In general, I am far more highly motivated to see (and keep in touch with) my family than my DH is with his. Add to that the fact that my family is closer than his (although no family is actually at all close), and we see my family quite a bit more often than we see his. I also communicate far more regularly with my family than he does with his.

Having said all that, since I have a brother who is married and whose situation is basically an exact mirror of my own (my SIL's family is closest, and she's more motivated to see/talk to them than my brother is to see/talk to us), I do understand how it feels to be on the other side of things.

So ultimately, when my in-laws actually communicate directly with me, or express to me that they are looking forward to seeing us, and in short treat me as though I am also part of the family, it gives me the warm fuzzies. Even though I don't know them very well and I know there are things upon which we do not see eye-to-eye, I always appreciate their efforts when they reach out to me directly (and not just through my husband). I think that my husband appreciates my family's efforts to reach out to him directly, too.

All of that is in support of NyaChan's suggestion. If my in-laws said something like that to me, it would have two very real benefits: 1) I'd get the warm fuzzies at their demonstration of inclusion, and 2) the thing they want would be infinitely more likely to happen, because I'm way better at details than my super absent-minded husband who frequently gets into moods where he doesn't want to interact with people.

[QueenofAllThings]

Thanks folks. I took NyaChan's advice and got a lovely note back from girlfriend.

As to some of the other comments - I do expect to have to share him and am fine with that. I certainly have no intention of 'blaming' his girlfriend if they don't come; I simply want them BOTH to know that they are wanted and included.