How terrible would this be (invites & white lies)?

[WillyNilly]

Ok so I'm getting married in about a month.  And I forgot to invte someone.  Well i thought about it and thought "ehhh, I haven't seen her in a long time..." and got distracted with relatives and other friends and she got left off the invite list.  She hasn't of course said anything to me, as she is a classy sort of gal, but I suspect she realizes she didn't get an invite (we have mutual friends, and while I have maintained radio silence on Facebook and the like, some people did post pictures from the shower, etc so I'm sure she's aware).

Anyway I feel its way too late to invite her now, she'd know it was a B list invite.  But I really do feel terribly.  And I honestly would like for her to attend because I honestly think she is a lovely person and even though we don't see each other often (she lives about 40 miles away) I don't want to stop being friends with her.  (And its actually not B list - we haven't gotten anywhere near the "expect 20% decline rate", we just are lucky that we picked a venue that can accommodate a lot of people - our list now is about 20 people over what we had expected, due to a lot of "yeses" and a few other last minute additions.)

So would it be terrible to white lie?  I seem to remember she moved in January, but I know only in the most casual sense (she never sent me the new address or anything, I just happen to remember it was buried in a FB status update in regard to furniture or something)... so I was thinking of calling her the day after the RSVP's are due and asking about her attendance and then feigning a whole "omigosh!  You never got the invite?  Wait do you still live at...? I'm sorry you never got  it, of course you are invited!"

[cicero]

this happened to me in my first wedding, 30 years ago. BFB (before FaceBook)...

I had a sort of /new friend. I wasn't sure if i wanted to invite her or not, so i sort of put her on maybe list and then i really forgot about her.

when i realized that i forgot, I took an inviation, walked over to the person's house (she lived down the block), explained that she was on my list but for some reason i realized that i never mailed her the invitation, and gave it to her.

That is what I would do - i wouldn't use *your* white lie, but something like "Friend, I was going over my list and realize that i never mailed your inviation! I put it aside because i didn't have your current address and i must have over looked it. I feel really bad, and hope you will be able to attend."

[Knitterly]

If you mail it today will she get it before the RSVP date?

[lowspark]

this happened to me in my first wedding, 30 years ago. BFB (before FaceBook)...

I had a sort of /new friend. I wasn't sure if i wanted to invite her or not, so i sort of put her on maybe list and then i really forgot about her.

when i realized that i forgot, I took an inviation, walked over to the person's house (she lived down the block), explained that she was on my list but for some reason i realized that i never mailed her the invitation, and gave it to her.

That is what I would do - i wouldn't use *your* white lie, but something like "Friend, I was going over my list and realize that i never mailed your inviation! I put it aside because i didn't have your current address and i must have over looked it. I feel really bad, and hope you will be able to attend."

This. It's perfect because it's so forgivable that something like this could happen to a busy bride. If I was on the receiving end of that, I'd be ok with it and come to the wedding if at all possible.

[WillyNilly]

If you mail it today will she get it before the RSVP date?

No.  The RSVP date is tomorrow.  Ok I could easy make another RSVP card with another date on it (its not printed on the actual invite) but Its still less then 4 weeks to the actual wedding - so obviously late.

That is what I would do - i wouldn't use *your* white lie, but something like "Friend, I was going over my list and realize that i never mailed your inviation! I put it aside because i didn't have your current address and i must have over looked it. I feel really bad, and hope you will be able to attend."

I like this since I really don't have her new address.


Thanks!

[doodlemor]

I think that first class mail is forwarded for a year in the US after a change of address, so the white lie could backfire. 

I like cicero's advice.

[stitchygreyanonymouse]

POD to Cicero

[DavidH]

I agree with the others, essentially you can tell her what you wrote in the first post. I'd just say that as you were reviewing the list you realized you hadn't sent her invitation and wanted to call her personally to apologize and invite her to the wedding.  I think a reasonable person will understand that sometimes a mistake really is just that and not a slight.

[Twik]

Why not just say you were reviewing your RSVPs, and you realized you'd forgotten to send her an invitation? Because shes' not really "B" list, from what you describe. She would have been "A" list, but you forgot.

Personally, I wouldn't be offended to realize my name got inadvertently left off a large list, although perhaps other people might.

[Amava]

I wouldn't be offended either if you told me it was an honest oversight!
I would be glad to have it cleared up. And I'd attend if I could! 

[LifeOnPluto]

Your initial post was a little unclear. Did you intend to invite her all along, but just forgot? Or was it a case of "Nah, can't be bothered inviting her, we haven't seen each other for ages" but later you changed your mind?

If it's the former, I think Cicero's wording is perfect. Simply apologise profusely and tell her you forgot to mail her invite - which is technically the truth.

However, if it's the latter, I'd honestly leave it. Unless you're a good fibber (and many people are not, including me!) it's likely that any excuse you give her will seem weak and transparent.

[WillyNilly]

I intended to invite her, but I had questions (did I have an accurate address, should I use her formal first name) and i just put off reaching out to her and then as I was organizing the list her name basically got left of a list of people who weren't invited for various reasons (the guy who never emailed DF back, my cousin who is pregnant and due on my wedding date, etc). And out of sight, out of mind I didn't end up reaching out to her, and she got left off. It was a error rooted in disorganization and procrastination.

But anyway I reached out to her tonight and explained and apologized and gave her the info (and got her info and will send her an invite ASAP). I used cicero's advice to be humbly honest and she seemed really happy I reached out and I'm so glad I did.  Thank you all!

[emwithme]

DH and I had a similar issue to this.  When we were compiling our guest list, I asked him for input over "his side".  Obviously, while I knew the names of his aunts/uncles/cousins etc I wasn't sure about people who weren't genetically related, but who were emotionally related - godparents, family friends etc.

And so we missed his godparents.  It was only when the RSVPs started coming in, and he asked if we had heard from "X and Y" -  I said that we hadn't invited them.  What did we do?  We quickly got an invitation in the post - with a (white lie) on a note inside saying that I had mis-addressed the first envelope (which I did for a few, my mail merge borked halfway through and some postcodes were mixed up, so I had half a dozen invites return-to-sender) and we hoped that the (relatively) short notice meant that they could still join us.  I was so glad that I'd allowed myself a nice, early RSVP date so that I could relax before the wedding. 

[JeanFromBNA]

I would send her an invite with a personal note saying that you hope to she can come. 

[darling]

my cousin who is pregnant and due on my wedding date, etc).

I don't want to derail the thread, and maybe this should be a spin-off, but I would be devastated if I didn't receive an invite to my cousin's wedding just because my due date happened to fall on their wedding date. I may not be able to go, but to not be invited would hurt a lot.

This may be isolated to our family, but we send invitations to those who we want to be there, and let them decide if they can attend. It's  more a "thinking of you, wishing you could join us, but know you probably can't" thing for us.