Neighbor who makes comments

[Roe]

I was just talking to her husband outside about a cable/home phone/internet question, in which she came over and joined in.  She told me I should call the cable company and complain that I want money off my monthly bill because I need to put gas in my new car.

How the topic goes from one to the other I have no idea.

It never ends.  Sheesh.

Since she obviously isn't going to let this go, I'd probably not invite her to the next playdate. 

[fnygrl]

We're behind you!

You're all so very kind.  Thank you for all of your help!

I just recently saw this posted on another website and thought it was appropriate for my situation:

Before you speak, THINK:

T: Is it True?

H: Is it Helpful?

I: Is it Inspiring?

N: Is it Necessary?

K: Is it Kind?

Certainly words to live by! 

[Sootikin]

I was just talking to her husband outside about a cable/home phone/internet question, in which she came over and joined in.  She told me I should call the cable company and complain that I want money off my monthly bill because I need to put gas in my new car.

How the topic goes from one to the other I have no idea.

It never ends.  Sheesh.

'Oh I can easily afford the gas...and fruit loops!' 

Seriously I would have given her a quizzical look and then continued talking to her husband as if she hadn't said anything and I'd do that every time she changes topic in future.  Pause, quizzical look, continue speaking to whoever else is there.

For the snide comments I'd just let them roll off my back and reply as if there was no PA dig intended.

[Shoo]

This is someone I don't think I'd care to hang out with.  I'd probably give her a puzzled look and then ignore her from then on.

[fnygrl]

It's funny - years ago when we first moved in and I met our neighbor, I admired the quality she had of telling people how she really felt, as I have never in my life been able to do that.  I'm just not "programmed" that way.  I was taught, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  But, of course, there have been times in my life where I wish I could speak up and defend myself, but I don't have that ability.  Now, after knowing her for some time (as a neighbor of saying hello and goodbye and trading pleasantries) and even in our playgroups, I've realized how ugly (for lack of a better term) that quality really is.  It's hurtful and totally unnecessary. 

I don't know how I'd be able to go about not including her on our playdates.  Since there are other moms now involved, I can't speak for them.  I'm sad that this has transpired and that now there's an awkwardness between us.

Funny thing is - my neighbor knows how thrify I am.  I'm a coupon queen and don't buy anything unless it's on sale and I have a coupon.  When it comes to clothing, I never buy retail.  I wait for things to go on deep discount and/or purchase them at a consignment shop.  But now, because I have this 'new-to-me' car, she's acting so differently towards me.  I haven't changed, only my car has.  So what?  Why does it matter at all?  It shouldn't.

[chigger]

I once bought a "new to me" car; it was very nice, the dealer that sold it to me gave me an incredible deal, due to some business things I had helped him with. This happened to coincide with my starting a new job.  One nasty person flat out said I was sleeping with new boss, and he bought it for me.

[jmarvellous]

It's funny - years ago when we first moved in and I met our neighbor, I admired the quality she had of telling people how she really felt, as I have never in my life been able to do that.  I'm just not "programmed" that way.  I was taught, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  But, of course, there have been times in my life where I wish I could speak up and defend myself, but I don't have that ability.  Now, after knowing her for some time (as a neighbor of saying hello and goodbye and trading pleasantries) and even in our playgroups, I've realized how ugly (for lack of a better term) that quality really is.  It's hurtful and totally unnecessary. 

I don't know how I'd be able to go about not including her on our playdates.  Since there are other moms now involved, I can't speak for them.  I'm sad that this has transpired and that now there's an awkwardness between us.

Funny thing is - my neighbor knows how thrify I am.  I'm a coupon queen and don't buy anything unless it's on sale and I have a coupon.  When it comes to clothing, I never buy retail.  I wait for things to go on deep discount and/or purchase them at a consignment shop.  But now, because I have this 'new-to-me' car, she's acting so differently towards me.  I haven't changed, only my car has.  So what?  Why does it matter at all?  It shouldn't.

I'm sorry you're finding this out the hard way! I agree that it's time to step back. Maybe not to completely cut her out -- it sounds  like that'd be hard -- but definitely don't do one-on-one chats or hangouts with just your kids anymore. (And if she's a good enough friend up to now, tell her to cut it out and see how that goes. It might help!)

As an aside, my related story of the jealous loudmouth friend:
I had a friend who I thought was great fun! Full of snark, always telling it like it was (or exaggerating for effect). We got along great -- had lots of inside jokes about the goofy things our neighbors and co-workers did, hung out all the time, we were best friends and living together.
Then ... I got a boyfriend. A switch flipped. Suddenly all her jokes and exaggerated truths were about ME and the boyfriend. We stopped talking and our friendship ended when I needed her most (the boyfriend turned out to be awful, but I leaned on him in the sudden absence of my best friend), though we rode out our lease together. We haven't talked since. I'm frankly too afraid that if we became friends again, I'd get a cool new car and that'd be it!

[TootsNYC]

Funny thing is - my neighbor knows how thrify I am.  I'm a coupon queen and don't buy anything unless it's on sale and I have a coupon.  When it comes to clothing, I never buy retail.  I wait for things to go on deep discount and/or purchase them at a consignment shop.  But now, because I have this 'new-to-me' car, she's acting so differently towards me.  I haven't changed, only my car has.  So what?  Why does it matter at all?  It shouldn't.

Actually, you *have* changed; you have become someone who would purchase a new(-ish) car, and apparently one with a semi-luxe reputation.

I bet she thought that frugality was an area in which either a) the two of you were alike, so she felt validated; or b) she wasn't quite as "bad off" as you so she felt superior.  If either of those are true, you've blown her image of you--and therefore of herself--right out of the water.

[Piratelvr1121]

Wow. I live in an area where most folks aren't terribly well off.  We're not rich either, but we manage alright. But if we brought home a nice car or something I can't imagine our neighbors saying anything negative.

[ancient drum]

Honestly, I'd just stop talking to them. I have no patience for baloney like that.

[Pippen]

Maybe it's not the car itself but the fact that your husband brought it for you as a present.

[fnygrl]

Again I appreciate all of your comments.  It truly helps me to see thingsand possibly better understand things through another set of eyes. 

[Take2]

I would call her out at this point. "You keep mentioning my car. Why is my vehicle such a big problem for you?"

Or maybe " Are we going to be done with this game soon? Because I am not enjoying it."

Both are pretty direct, but she is being just as direct, and downright malicious in a constant way. You can't effectively avoid her because of her proximity to your home, so I would just address it.

[LeveeWoman]

I would call her out at this point. "You keep mentioning my car. Why is my vehicle such a big problem for you?"

Or maybe " Are we going to be done with this game soon? Because I am not enjoying it."

Both are pretty direct, but she is being just as direct, and downright malicious in a constant way. You can't effectively avoid her because of her proximity to your home, so I would just address it.

I'd say the bolded sentence in a questioning tone of voice.

[GrammarNerd]

I would call her out at this point. "You keep mentioning my car. Why is my vehicle such a big problem for you?"

Or maybe " Are we going to be done with this game soon? Because I am not enjoying it."

Both are pretty direct, but she is being just as direct, and downright malicious in a constant way. You can't effectively avoid her because of her proximity to your home, so I would just address it.

I'd say the bolded sentence in a questioning tone of voice.

"You keep mentioning my car." (said in Leveewoman's questioning tone of voice)
"No, I don't." (she protests, because really, what can she do?  You're onto her.)
"Yes, you really do.  When we got it, you said X.  Another time, you made the comment of Y.  Then just now, you randomly brought up putting gas in my car when we were talking about Z.  So ... what's up with you mentioning my car all the time?"

Then sit and wait.

My guess is that she's going to look pretty uncomfortable and find some reason to leave all of a sudden.

If she happens to keep her composure and says again that she's not, then you can say something like, "Oh, the comments seemed really frequent to me.  So, bean dip?"  But the beauty of it is that even if you don't press further, she's been warned nicely that you're onto her.  My guess is that the comments would stop.  Right now, she thinks you're too polite to confront and acknowledge her bad behavior, so she keeps on with it b/c she wants you to feel bad to make herself feel better.  So once you do confront it and bring it out into the open, she won't want to go there and will stop with the (somewhat overt) comments.