RIP messages on FB before family informed

[PurpleFrog]

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/facebook/9557703/Mother-learnt-of-daughters-death-through-Facebook.html

The jist: a mother discovered her daughter was dead when RIP messages showed up on the daughters facebook wall, before the police had chance to infor immediate family.

It's a horrible thing to happen, but it seems to me with people's need to post events on social media the millisecond they hear them. My SIL announced the birth and sex of my youngest on fb before I'd had chance to inform my extended family, she was then offended when DH asked her to remove it. She's a sane and nice indiviual otherwise. I just don't understand when it became the norm to proxy announce major.life events.

[squashedfrog]

I read this story earlier today and felt very sorry for the mother, but I'm not sure it was the police's fault that she read it on Facebook.  Unfortunately the police have to follow procedures before they can just go ahead and inform parents.  They have to be 100% sure that the person is in fact their son/daughter. 

It seems that the friend who set up the page just didn't think about this at all. 

[Sharnita]

It sounds like the police took an extremely long time to notify the family.  There response when the mom called her daughter's phone sounds pretty cold and unhelpful.  Inn general I would day that one shouldn't post these messages but I would also say that there might be a time frame where a reasonable person might assume the family has been notified.  If they posted within 5 minutes of the police arriving then it is definitely rude. If it was 13 or 18 hours later I can understand a bit more. A day later...

[Perfect Circle]

It wasn't a day later though, it was few hours after the death which is probably fairly common due to protocols the police has to follow in these cases.

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/912717-mother-learned-her-daughter-was-dead-because-of-friends-facebook-statuses

[Venus193]

This is probably a normal time frame for police notification.  It is outrageous that anyone would post the news of this young woman's death on Facebook any sooner than that.  Did anyone ever find out who did this?

[Zilla]

I think that friend should have first cleared it with the mother (if she was close to the daughter) and then posted it.  Or at least wait 24 hours.


As for the second scenario, why on earth would your husband ask SIL to remove it?  Maybe that's how she wants to release the news of the sex of her baby?  I see statuses all the time announcing what it is on Facebook.  I think it's a normal and sane way to announce it all at once to everyone.

[O'Dell]

I think that friend should have first cleared it with the mother (if she was close to the daughter) and then posted it.  Or at least wait 24 hours.


As for the second scenario, why on earth would your husband ask SIL to remove it?  Maybe that's how she wants to release the news of the sex of her baby?  I see statuses all the time announcing what it is on Facebook.  I think it's a normal and sane way to announce it all at once to everyone.

SIL announced *Purple Frogs* son's birth. Not her own.

[Niamh84]

As for the second scenario, why on earth would your husband ask SIL to remove it?  Maybe that's how she wants to release the news of the sex of her baby?  I see statuses all the time announcing what it is on Facebook.  I think it's a normal and sane way to announce it all at once to everyone.

SIL announced the OP's baby being born.  So her husband (SIL's brother) asked her to take it down so he and OP could share their news themselves.


That's very unfortunate what happened to that poor mother, but I'm inclined to think it wasn't the fault of the police.  I guess it's hard to know without actually knowing how much time had lapsed between the death and the police informing her.  Maybe they had noone available to go out to the house immediately, perhaps it took some time to locate the mothers address?

[Perfect Circle]

That's very unfortunate what happened to that poor mother, but I'm inclined to think it wasn't the fault of the police.  I guess it's hard to know without actually knowing how much time had lapsed between the death and the police informing her.  Maybe they had noone available to go out to the house immediately, perhaps it took some time to locate the mothers address?

According to the article I linked:  Ms James was pronounced dead at 8.17pm but officers did not arrive until 11.38pm to tell her mother in person. So three and half hours.

[Sharnita]

That's very unfortunate what happened to that poor mother, but I'm inclined to think it wasn't the fault of the police.  I guess it's hard to know without actually knowing how much time had lapsed between the death and the police informing her.  Maybe they had noone available to go out to the house immediately, perhaps it took some time to locate the mothers address?

According to the article I linked:  Ms James was pronounced dead at 8.17pm but officers did not arrive until 11.38pm to tell her mother in person. So three and half hours.

It also sounds like they answered the cell phone when she called before notifying her but just said somebody was coming around.  I don't know exactly what the protocol should be but that doesn't sound like a great way to handle it.

[Twik]

I think that friend should have first cleared it with the mother (if she was close to the daughter) and then posted it.  Or at least wait 24 hours.

Well, in this case, the conversation would have been,

"Hey, is it all right if I spread the news about your daughter's death on Facebook?"

"... what about my daughter?!?!"

I can't see this would have been an improvement, with the exception that the person would have learned a lot about how NOT to deal with sudden death.

Even if the mother had been informed, the first contact should not involve a request that the contacter have the glory of being the first one to make the new public. At the most, after giving his/her condolences, the contacter may ask, "Would it help if I notified people for you?"

[Zilla]

I think that friend should have first cleared it with the mother (if she was close to the daughter) and then posted it.  Or at least wait 24 hours.

Well, in this case, the conversation would have been,

"Hey, is it all right if I spread the news about your daughter's death on Facebook?"

"... what about my daughter?!?!"

I can't see this would have been an improvement, with the exception that the person would have learned a lot about how NOT to deal with sudden death.

Even if the mother had been informed, the first contact should not involve a request that the contacter have the glory of being the first one to make the new public. At the most, after giving his/her condolences, the contacter may ask, "Would it help if I notified people for you?"

Well obviously it shouldn't be phrased that way.  But somehow the friend knew first, she would have known then she was one of the very few that knew and should have either waited or called the mother (again if they were close) and told her instead of strange police officers.  And the offer would have been for a memorial page, not to "spread" it on facebook.  I see alot of memorial pages so it isn't gossipy or trying to be the first to spread it.  That is a very uncharitable way of looking at it. 

[Zilla]

As for the second scenario, why on earth would your husband ask SIL to remove it?  Maybe that's how she wants to release the news of the sex of her baby?  I see statuses all the time announcing what it is on Facebook.  I think it's a normal and sane way to announce it all at once to everyone.

SIL announced the OP's baby being born.  So her husband (SIL's brother) asked her to take it down so he and OP could share their news themselves.

Got it, yeah I can see now why he requested that.

[PurpleFrog]

As for the second scenario, why on earth would your husband ask SIL to remove it?  Maybe that's how she wants to release the news of the sex of her baby?  I see statuses all the time announcing what it is on Facebook.  I think it's a normal and sane way to announce it all at once to everyone.

SIL announced the OP's baby being born.  So her husband (SIL's brother) asked her to take it down so he and OP could share their news themselves.

As for the second scenario, why on earth would your husband ask SIL to remove it?  Maybe that's how she wants to release the news of the sex of her baby?  I see statuses all the time announcing what it is on Facebook.  I think it's a normal and sane way to announce it all at once to everyone.

SIL announced the OP's baby being born.  So her husband (SIL's brother) asked her to take it down so he and OP could share their news themselves.

Got it, yeah I can see now why he requested that.

Yep a lot of my family & close found out from fb while I was still in the recovery room post, she was the 3rd phone DH made, and was straight on FB when he put the phone down it was up before Frogman had called my mother!, birth time, sex, weight the lot.9 months on I'm still upset about it.

3 hours does seem quote a long time, however, the mother may not have been easy to locate. I did a little digging and its against police procedure for a randon officer to over the phone, it has to be the family leisaon officer. The local gossip (its near where I grew up) the friends lived in the same street, so saw what was going on, the tributes were up less than an hour after the police were arrived. That's just rumor, but even 3 hours seems a little quick. The mother may have been informed, but not have been able to inform siblings aunts etc in that time.

Personally it seems selfish of the friends not to hold off a while longer.


Got it, yeah I can see now why he requested that.

Yep a lot of my family & close found out from fb while I was still in the recovery room post, she was the 3rd phone DH made, and was straight on FB when he put the phone down it was up before Frogman had called my mother!, birth time, sex, weight the lot.9 months on I'm still upset about it.

3 hours does seem quote a long time, however, the mother may not have been easy to locate. I did a little digging and its against police procedure for a randoficer to over the phone, it jas to be the family leisaon officer. The local gossip (its clap fgbbnvhhh&jjjhhv.

[Jones]

The only difference I see between this and calling up the parents to express condolences before they know about the death is that this is public. Either situation is going to be a shock to the parents.