RIP messages on FB before family informed

[Twik]

Well obviously it shouldn't be phrased that way.  But somehow the friend knew first, she would have known then she was one of the very few that knew and should have either waited or called the mother (again if they were close) and told her instead of strange police officers.  And the offer would have been for a memorial page, not to "spread" it on facebook.  I see alot of memorial pages so it isn't gossipy or trying to be the first to spread it.  That is a very uncharitable way of looking at it.

I don't see anything wrong with that. In this case, though, it appears the girl's friends were more involved in updating their feeds than actually doing anything to help the family.

I see a BIG difference in putting something on your feed versus speaking to the family directly. It's the same reason why the police try to find the next of kin to tell them directly, not simply release the name of the deceased to the news media.

[sparksals]

Purple...If in your shoes, I would be wondering why my husband notified his sister of the birth BEFORE your mother.   Don't get me wrong, his sister was wrong to post on FB but I would be ticked my mom was not the FIRST called, after all her daughter had the baby.

[VorFemme]

Something similar happened to me last summer.  It was bad enough that it was my maternal grandmother - I don' want to imagine how I would have felt if it had been my CHILD.

My mother was tied up with dealing with the death of her mother, so she made time to call her sister(s) - who were supposed to contact their kids (my cousins) - but she got side tracked with the need to get grandmother's clothes to the funeral parlor that was handling getting the body to the location of the gravesite (several hundred miles) since she was going to be buried beside grandfather.  She didn't have a chance to call her own kids.....until we started calling her because my DD had seen the post on Facebook. 

I really think that etiquette books need to start adding a chapter (or publish a pamphlet) on internet etiquette.  As to notifications of the gender of babies (that is for the parents to post first and nobody else gets to put it out there until the baby is at least a week old.....make that six months old if there is anything like a preemie baby or other medical complications with mother or baby in the situation).  If the media gets photos of the triplets - parents might have to argue with the newsies.

As to death announcements - again - the immedicate family has the right to the first posting - parents or spouse first and surviving children in the case of the elderly.  Not grandparents - unless the deceased had no surviving children or spouse (so my first cousin was wrong since it was his aunts' or his mother's place to post on Face Book - not HIS - and even he should have waited at least 20 hours to make it the next morning instead of two hours).

[Venus193]

I haven't bought any etiquette books in a while, so I wonder if any of the authors are addressing the electronics and internet issues.

[Sharnita]

electronics and technology are changing so quickly that it might not be worth it to address in a book - by the time it was published the new thing might have come along to replace whatever chapter 7 is about.

[stitchygreyanonymouse]

electronics and technology are changing so quickly that it might not be worth it to address in a book - by the time it was published the new thing might have come along to replace whatever chapter 7 is about.

Yes, if you say something like  "don’t post other people’s news to Friendster before they have , unless they’ve given you explicit permission."

But, saying something like "don’t post other people’s news on the internet before they have, unless they’ve given you explicit permission" won’t become obsolete.

Or better yet: "don’t share other people’s news with a wide audience via any means unless you have been given permission to do so."

[Margo]

I don't blame the police - 3 hours doesn't seem a massive period of time. It also occurs to me that finding the mother's name & address may not have been straightforward - after all, daughter probably *knew* her mum's address - so may not have kept it written down anywhere easily accessible - and if all you have is an entry in someone's phone saying 'mum' that doesn't help much (as PPs have said, the police would generally break this kind of news in person.

The 'friend' who made the post was incredibly thoughtless.

[Perfect Circle]

I know when my grandfather died this spring, I was told very quickly but didn't know if my cousins knew. I said nothing in social media until I saw everyone else had posted something.

[Sharnita]

I don't blame the police - 3 hours doesn't seem a massive period of time. It also occurs to me that finding the mother's name & address may not have been straightforward - after all, daughter probably *knew* her mum's address - so may not have kept it written down anywhere easily accessible - and if all you have is an entry in someone's phone saying 'mum' that doesn't help much (as PPs have said, the police would generally break this kind of news in person.

The 'friend' who made the post was incredibly thoughtless.

Yeah but when the cell phone rings and the police answer to hear it is mom it seems like they could say something better than that somebody will be around.

[CakeBeret]

I think there should be an absolute minimum 1-day waiting period for posting about births and deaths unless given explicit permission by the grieving/celebrating family. I think it would be kinder to wait a week. I actually find it somewhat disrespectful--"Oh no! Sally died! Must update Facebook status."

[Tilt Fairy]

I think there should be an absolute minimum 1-day waiting period for posting about births and deaths unless given explicit permission by the grieving/celebrating family. I think it would be kinder to wait a week. I actually find it somewhat disrespectful--"Oh no! Sally died! Must update Facebook status."

I completely agree with this. I think sometimes social networking is inappropriate for such things. I too find it disrespectful - even the more so when it's done instantaneously. If someone I was close enough to had died that I would "consider" writing an RIP status about, updating my status on facebook would be the last thing I would be thinking of doing anyway once I had heard the news. It wouldn't even be close to the first thing I would think about doing or want to do when a loved one had died. Joyous news I get, but a death of a close friend or family member the very second I find out?

[Zilla]

I know when my grandfather died this spring, I was told very quickly but didn't know if my cousins knew. I said nothing in social media until I saw everyone else had posted something.

You let someone else take the fall? 

[Tilt Fairy]

I know when my grandfather died this spring, I was told very quickly but didn't know if my cousins knew. I said nothing in social media until I saw everyone else had posted something.

You let someone else take the fall? 

But nobody HAS to post on facebook about a death. It's not a job that anyone has to do first or do at all. It's not even slightly compulsory or necessary to post about a death on facebook so nobody has to take the fall about anything. 

I think Perfect Circle said she refrained from writing about it on facebook because she was unsure whether anyone else knew and didn't want someone who didn't know to find about it through facebook.

[camlan]

I don't blame the police - 3 hours doesn't seem a massive period of time. It also occurs to me that finding the mother's name & address may not have been straightforward - after all, daughter probably *knew* her mum's address - so may not have kept it written down anywhere easily accessible - and if all you have is an entry in someone's phone saying 'mum' that doesn't help much (as PPs have said, the police would generally break this kind of news in person.

The 'friend' who made the post was incredibly thoughtless.

Yeah but when the cell phone rings and the police answer to hear it is mom it seems like they could say something better than that somebody will be around.

The police might not be able, due to regulations, to announce a death over the phone.

One of the linked articles mentioned that the woman died in a friend's apartment. I now have this image of someone, whose friend was just found dead in her home, rushing to the computer to post the news on Facebook. Or immediately turning to her phone to get the news out. Seems an odd way to deal with a death, if that is what happened. (I don't know who posted the info, but this seems like a logical chain of events.)

I think people should wait before posting news about other people on social media. And while I cannot blame the police in this instance, given that social media are here to stay, it might be a good idea for them to review their policies about informing families about deaths, to see if there is any way they can shorten the time needed.

[Perfect Circle]

I know when my grandfather died this spring, I was told very quickly but didn't know if my cousins knew. I said nothing in social media until I saw everyone else had posted something.

You let someone else take the fall? 

  not really, I just wanted to make sure everyone knew before I said anything.