Author Topic: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?  (Read 15861 times)

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donnamos2

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Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
« on: September 21, 2012, 05:27:37 PM »
B/c of my divorce, STBXDH and I are selling our house and I'm looking for another. I'm pretty constrained due to limited funds, but I've got a great realtor who found something that looked fantastic.

Well, you know what they say about things that look too good to be true?  This may be the case here.  On paper, the house seemed perfect, and when the realtor took me to see it, I nearly swooned.  This isn't to say it's super-fancy or anything; it just fits my current needs so well, as though it was made for me.

The current owners are an older couple, and they went for a walk while we toured the house.  When we went outside to look at the yard, my attention was caught by two children in the neighbor's yard.  At first, I though they were playing or rough-housing, but one of the boys kept making this yelping noise, and the other boy seemed to be running around him and waving his hands and hollering.  This kept going the entire time we were outside.  We went back to the front in time to see the owners return, and they seemed really uncomfortable that we saw what was going on in the neighbor's yard.

A woman from that house came out and joined us on the sidewalk. I thought this was great, a way to find out more about the neighborhood, but the homeowners now looked VERY uncomfortable.  The neighbor was very, very effusive, going on and on about how great the neighborhood was, how close everyone was, how wonderful it was that another single mom would be moving in...  She mentioned several times how close she was to the homeowners: "Why, they're just like another set of grandparents to my kids!"  And the homeowners did that forced half-smile and stayed silent.

I've since learned that the neighbor's children have Fragile X Syndrome and require constant care. She has help during the day, but she is known up and down the street for imposing. Not just imposing, but doing so a LOT and not being shy about it.

I am making no judgments about her situation: I'm certain that it's really tough and she's probably pretty lonely. But I do not want to move next-door to this.  I work full-time and have a baby, and while ideally want a great, close relationship with my neighbors, this looks less and less like a friendship that would naturally develop and more and more like she'd just attempt to recruit me into her network of help.  And while some people would say, "Oh, create boundaries, no one can take advantage of you if you don't let them" who could say no to her pleas for help when they know this situation?

All of this is to say I'm not going to buy the house.  The homeowners came way down in their price, which makes me think they themselves are desperate to get away from this situation. I don't know why they are moving: my realtor certainly doesn't know, and they were really closed-mouthed about it.  At any rate, a friend of mine thinks I'm not just rude, but "bigoted" because I don't want to live there.  Am I? I've got a lot going on right now as well as just being really busy, and I just don't have a lot to give anyone besides those already closest to me.  Is it wrong that I don't want to live next door to this?

Shoo

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Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2012, 05:31:12 PM »
You can choose to buy or not buy a house for ANY reason you want to.  It does not mean you're bigoted just because you don't want to live next door to people that you know, in your heart of hearts, are going to really try your patience.  I think it's wise and shows an awareness that is commendable.

Your friend is simply wrong, IMO.

Hillia

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Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2012, 05:34:23 PM »
Your friend is completely out of line.  You are completely within your rights to not  buy the house.

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Cat-Fu

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Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2012, 05:34:47 PM »
It's not bigoted to desire a neighborhood free from moochers.
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NyaChan

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Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2012, 05:35:14 PM »
Why on earth would it make you bigoted??? Part of buying a house is looking at the neighborhood's culture.  The culture of this neighborhood doesn't suit your needs, end of story.  Walk away with a clear conscience. 

wheeitsme

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Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2012, 05:40:10 PM »
I don't see how you are "bigoted".  You don't have a problem with living next to a single mother with 2 children who have fragile X syndrome.  You have a problem living next door to someone who is reputed to take extreme advantage of her neighbors.

rigs32

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Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
« Reply #6 on: September 21, 2012, 05:40:43 PM »
If you decided not to buy a house because of a characteristic of the people next door that they cannot control and that would have no impact on you, it could possibly be a bigotry situation.

But this sounds like something that WOULD impact on you and is definitely a factor to consider.  Would your friend call you a bigot if you didn't want to live next to active rail lines?  Behind a warehouse with lots of tractor trailer traffic?

I don't understand why you couldn't say no to her demands, however, if you really wanted to buy the place.  Who cares what her situation is?  Her childcare issues are not yours to solve.  If she tried to do a drop and run I would make sure she knew I was calling CPS as soon as she left.

Moray

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Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2012, 05:42:46 PM »
Nothing wrong with not wanting the home because you don't feel it's a good fit.
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Amava

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Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
« Reply #8 on: September 21, 2012, 06:14:10 PM »
You would have to be crazy to knowingly buy a house where you know beforehand that the neighbours will give you trouble by acting like they're entitled to your help.

Your friend is out of her (his) mind. Don't share your thoughts on such decisions with her (him) anymore.

lady_disdain

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Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
« Reply #9 on: September 21, 2012, 06:45:02 PM »
I don't see how you are "bigoted".  You don't have a problem with living next to a single mother with 2 children who have fragile X syndrome.  You have a problem living next door to someone who is reputed to take extreme advantage of her neighbors.

You took the words out of my mouth.

Mikayla

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Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
« Reply #10 on: September 21, 2012, 06:54:45 PM »
I agree with the majority that bigotry isn't even on the radar here, and your friend was way off base.  But I also don't quite understand this from the OP:  "...who could say no to her pleas for help when they know this situation?"

For starters, I could!  As has been said many times here, it is not rude to set boundaries, especially when people are habitual imposers.  You're not being mean to the kids; you're protecting yourself from their mom.  Big difference.

I mention this just because if the house was so perfect for you, it seems to be an over-reaction to give it up just because your neighbor will need some ground rules laid down. 

Hawkwatcher

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Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
« Reply #11 on: September 21, 2012, 06:57:12 PM »
You would have to be crazy to knowingly buy a house where you know beforehand that the neighbours will give you trouble by acting like they're entitled to your help.

Your friend is out of her (his) mind. Don't share your thoughts on such decisions with her (him) anymore.

I agree.  Buying a house is a major financial and emotional investment.  And if things don't work out, it is not a simple matter to sell the house and move somewhere else.  The OP is wise to consider all the possible ramifications before making such a major investment. 

kherbert05

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Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
« Reply #12 on: September 21, 2012, 07:02:36 PM »
I don't see how you are "bigoted".  You don't have a problem with living next to a single mother with 2 children who have fragile X syndrome.  You have a problem living next door to someone who is reputed to take extreme advantage of her neighbors.


POD you aren't saying anything about the kids. You are reacting to the mother's comments, and other neighbors letting you know that she imposes on other people, and will likely target you.
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Shoo

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Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
« Reply #13 on: September 21, 2012, 07:11:39 PM »
When we went outside to look at the yard, my attention was caught by two children in the neighbor's yard.  At first, I though they were playing or rough-housing, but one of the boys kept making this yelping noise, and the other boy seemed to be running around him and waving his hands and hollering.  This kept going the entire time we were outside.

And even if the OP were able to set boundaries with the woman next door, she would probably be unable to enjoy using her own backyard.  Another reason to pass on this house.

WillyNilly

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Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
« Reply #14 on: September 21, 2012, 07:24:05 PM »
Like everyone else I don't think you are bigoted at all fo this decisions.

But like a few others I wouldn't let it bother me at all... but then I'm not a chat with neighbors type. I've lived in my home for almost 11 years now and I don't know any neighbors names and nevr speak to any of them besides "hello" and "have a good [day, night, weekend, holiday, whatever]." I'd just put up a fence and ignore the neighbors. But I'm good at a glassy eyed smile that is nice but clearly shows I don't care to listen (I've been told many times that while I come across as non-hostile I often give off a "get away from me" vibe to people who aren't my friends). It handy to be honest, and I can turn it off and turn up the customer service smile when I need to, but my default setting is 'go away'.