Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?

[Auntie Mame]

Selfish does not always equal bad rude awful puppykicking monster.  If we didn't have a healthy dose of selfish we'd give away everything we own and end up wandering the streets nekkid and starving.

I certainly wouldn't move there either.  Why?  Because even though I am very friendly and outgoing, I need me-time.  I selfishly guard my me-time.  I have a crazy busy schedule and not much time to decompress (don't get me wrong, I love being busy, that's why I guard me-time).  If Auntie Mame doesn't get her me-time, she turns into Mommy Dearest. 

You need to be selfish and do what's best for you and your family.  From your description and what your gut is telling you (listen to the gut, always listen to the gut), you would not have a moment's peace.

[Pippen]

When we went outside to look at the yard, my attention was caught by two children in the neighbor's yard.  At first, I though they were playing or rough-housing, but one of the boys kept making this yelping noise, and the other boy seemed to be running around him and waving his hands and hollering.  This kept going the entire time we were outside.

And even if the OP were able to set boundaries with the woman next door, she would probably be unable to enjoy using her own backyard.  Another reason to pass on this house.

I couldn't use half my house or be in the garden for about 4 years as the neighbours decided there solution to their son was to let him have his meltdowns outside. It was near on constant screaming  and it rapidly works on your very last nerve. Wanting a home where you can have quiet enjoyment of your property is in no way rude. It is your haven away from the crazy world not a portal into it.

[Rosewater]

Being picky about a situation one chooses for themselves does not make one a bigot.  Your "friend" is so far off the mark it isn't even funny.  No one needs people in their life who go out of their way to cause trouble or try to make you feel bad which exactly what this person is trying to do to you.

[JamFly]

I agree with previous posters that even knowing the situation, you are not obligated to help. If it was me, and this was my perfect-to-me house I'd see if the sellers would go down on price even more, and then put up tall privicy fences in the front and back (assuming it's allowed in that neighborhood) with sturdy locks on the gates. After moving in I'm be polite but distant to Moocher Neighbor, but wouldn't watch the kids ever, as her child care needs are firmly not my problem.

But it's not rude or bigoted at all; just trying to save yourself some hassle.

Here's to crossing my fingers and hoping you find another house that's just as perfect, but with better neighbors.

[artk2002]

Does "friend" have a nice house? Perhaps s/he could buy the one you were looking at and you take his/hers? No?

I don't think you're bigoted at all. It sounds like living next to this family would be very, very trying.

[Audrey Quest]

Definition of BIGOT

: a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance
 
There is no way that not moving into a particular house is an act of hatred towards someone else.
 
Refusing to sell your house to someone who is capable of buying it because they belong to a particular group that one is bigoted against actually is because it is an act of hatred towards them.

Therefore, even if you were a bigot, (and you're so not) not buying a certain house is not bigoted.  It can't be.

[Hillia]

Why would you want to subject yourself to the constant strain of setting and maintaining boundaries with people who can't (in the case of the kids) or won't (in the case of their mother) respect them?  Sure, you could build privacy fences, lock yourself away, and turn your property into a fortress in order to preserve your privacy, but why should you have to?  You and your child are entitled to enjoy your entire property in any way you choose, not be constantly defending and restating your rules.  You dodged a huge bullet, and I feel sorry for the homeowners, especially if 'next door mom' makes a habit of coming over to greet potential buyers.

[siamesecat2965]

I'd say trust your instincts on this one.  If you have any doubts, which you do, about YOUR quality of life etc. if you bought this house, you're making the right decision not to buy it. 

it doesn't sound like she would be a pleasant neighbor to have, due to all of her responsibilities, and what you've heard about her trying to impose.  And if it were me, I'd be VERY happy I learned all this in the early stages, and not after I committed to the purchase.

I also feel badly for the sellers; it sounds like they may have a rough time of it selling their house.

[violinp]

Selfish does not always equal bad rude awful puppykicking monster.  If we didn't have a healthy dose of selfish we'd give away everything we own and end up wandering the streets nekkid and starving.

I certainly wouldn't move there either.  Why?  Because even though I am very friendly and outgoing, I need me-time.  I selfishly guard my me-time.  I have a crazy busy schedule and not much time to decompress (don't get me wrong, I love being busy, that's why I guard me-time).  If Auntie Mame doesn't get her me-time, she turns into Mommy Dearest. 

You need to be selfish and do what's best for you and your family.  From your description and what your gut is telling you (listen to the gut, always listen to the gut), you would not have a moment's peace.

Exactly. There is a difference between selfish and self - centered. Being selfish in this is not a bad thing.

[blarg314]

I will say that I feel really sorry for the couple trying to sell their house. It's got a massive flaw that is not their fault, and that they can't do anything about, but is scaring off actively interested buyers who love the house itself. I wonder if they can get a restraining order on the neighbour?

But even so, the OP is under no obligation to *buy* the house with the massive flaw. A horrible next-door neighbour can suck the enjoyment of life out of you, and setting boundaries can be horribly exhausting. Plus, if you want to sell the house yourself, you're stuck with the same problem.

[yokozbornak]

There were a lot of red flags thrown you way, and I think you are wise to step away.  A house is a major investment, and you don't want to make a decision you will reqret.  I have found that there is always more than one perfect house.  When we were searching, I was so disappointed that a house I really loved was sold before we could put a contract on it.  I am so glad now it didn't work out because I love the house and neighborhood we live in now and coudn't imagine living anywhere else.

[kareng57]

You're fine.  It's very, very normal (and often strongly advised) for potential buyers to ask the vendors what the neighbours are like.

Unfortunately, it could take these vendors a long time to sell the house, but that's not your problem.

[doodlemor]

You're not a bigot at all - that's a ridiculous statement.  You are perfectly justified in not buying that particular house.

None of us have an infinite amount of emotional energy.  This must be a challenging time for you, having to deal with moving and the divorce.  You don't need the extra hassle of having to set boundaries with difficult neighbors. Dealing with that would likely take attention away from your child.  I suspect that your baby is your prime focus right now.

[CaffeineKatie]

I have to say I agree with previous postings and throw in this--when your baby is old enough to enjoy playing outside, are you going to feel comfortable with that?  If the owners are dropping the price to unload a perfectly nice house, I doubt you would have an easier time selling it 3-4 years from now when the neighbor kids are older and possibly noisier, and you want to get your child moved somewhere else. 

[helixa]

Obviously you're not a bigot, but I would still consider options before deciding not to buy the house.

Negative: the neighbour and children
Positive: the price

Is there any chance you can get an honest answer from the sellers as to how bad the neighbour is and how noisy and intrusive the children are?
If you were willing to set up boundaries both physical and mentally would the price make it worth it?

I ask only because you are never guarenteed what your neighbours will be like anywhere you go, or who will move in beside you.