Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?

[LongtimeLurker]

You are certainly not rude, but wow I feel for those home owners. Can you imagine trying to sell at that time of life, not cause you want to, but because you feel like you can't live in your own home anymore? 

I have to POD this.  We don't know why the homeowners are moving but they clearly knew that the neighbour would be a negative on any buyer's checklist. 

Personally, I think you should buy the house so I can have stories to read here.  Kidding!

Seriously, buying a home where you have any apprehension, be it the types of renos needed, the traffic or the neighbours, would be probably be foolhardy and lessen your enjoyment of your purchase.  I am sure you will find another home that fits you like a glove.

[bopper]

It seems that you have a nice house you can afford you will have to give up something...is it a not as awesome neighborhood? Is it one less bedroom? is it a smaller lot? is it neighbors with issues?  Only you can decide what is worth it.

IMHO Bigotry would be not moving in because they are of a different ethnicity or because the children had a medical condition.  Bigotry is not the case when the neighbors are loud or have a messy yard or are imposing on your time.
It's a "what they are" vs. "What they do".

[still in va]

It seems that you have a nice house you can afford you will have to give up something...is it a not as awesome neighborhood? Is it one less bedroom? is it a smaller lot? is it neighbors with issues?  Only you can decide what is worth it.

IMHO Bigotry would be not moving in because they are of a different ethnicity or because the children had a medical condition.  Bigotry is not the case when the neighbors are loud or have a messy yard or are imposing on your time.
It's a "what they are" vs. "What they do".

IIRC, the children do have a medical condition, to which the loud behavior and frequent requests for help can be attributed.  that still doesn't make donnamo a bigot.  she'll have enough on her own plate being a single parent to her own child.  not bigoted in the least to avoid the bad situation that she can see coming. 

[Queen of Clubs]

Donna, I agree with the majority of the posters in that this isn't bigotry.  If you didn't want to live there because of the children's medical condition, that would be one thing, but you don't want to live there because of their mother and how she's dealing with her life and how she's recruiting the whole of the street to meet her needs.  I'm sure her life is hard, I'm sure she needs a lot of help, but it's not the responsibility of her neighbours to meet those needs.

If you know someone is going to make your life difficult, then it makes sense to avoid them if possible.  You have no responsibility towards this woman, so avoiding her by not moving in isn't a bad thing.

ETA: I also feel incredibly sorry for the homeowners.  It sounds like they're selling to escape this woman and her requests for help, which is another red flag as to how bad the situation is.

[TootsNYC]

I think it would be completely okay to decide you didn't want to live there because of the children's medical condition--because of the way their medical condition would impact YOUR life.

I feel for the mom, and the kids. Even if she wasn't a remora, I wouldn't buy that house. But that doesn't maek me a horrible person.

And even if it does, I'm entitled to be a horrible person.

[BeagleMommy]

OP, you are not a bigot.  This mom is imposing on strangers to help raise her children.  Granted, her children have a medical condition that, I'm sure, puts a lot of stress on her.  However, I'm sure there are agencies in the area to which she can apply to assist with her needs.

You have enough stresses of your own.  I cannot imagine the stresses of an impending divorce and the prospects of being a single mother.  You do not need to take on the burden of her stress as well.  Knowing what you discovered about this woman I think you were wise to decline the purchase.

[bopper]

It seems that you have a nice house you can afford you will have to give up something...is it a not as awesome neighborhood? Is it one less bedroom? is it a smaller lot? is it neighbors with issues?  Only you can decide what is worth it.

IMHO Bigotry would be not moving in because they are of a different ethnicity or because the children had a medical condition.  Bigotry is not the case when the neighbors are loud or have a messy yard or are imposing on your time.
It's a "what they are" vs. "What they do".

IIRC, the children do have a medical condition, to which the loud behavior and frequent requests for help can be attributed.  that still doesn't make donnamo a bigot.  she'll have enough on her own plate being a single parent to her own child.  not bigoted in the least to avoid the bad situation that she can see coming.

What I was saying is that she isn't considering the house because for example they had a condition, but the effect of that condition on others.  For example, if they had HIV and were quiet, it would be bigotry to not move in just because of the condition that had no affect on you.  But if they have a condition that makes them loud with a mom that does nothing to try to ameliorate the situation and she also asks for many favors, then that is not bigotry.

[still in va]

It seems that you have a nice house you can afford you will have to give up something...is it a not as awesome neighborhood? Is it one less bedroom? is it a smaller lot? is it neighbors with issues?  Only you can decide what is worth it.

IMHO Bigotry would be not moving in because they are of a different ethnicity or because the children had a medical condition.  Bigotry is not the case when the neighbors are loud or have a messy yard or are imposing on your time.
It's a "what they are" vs. "What they do".

IIRC, the children do have a medical condition, to which the loud behavior and frequent requests for help can be attributed.  that still doesn't make donnamo a bigot.  she'll have enough on her own plate being a single parent to her own child.  not bigoted in the least to avoid the bad situation that she can see coming.

What I was saying is that she isn't considering the house because for example they had a condition, but the effect of that condition on others.  For example, if they had HIV and were quiet, it would be bigotry to not move in just because of the condition that had no affect on you.  But if they have a condition that makes them loud with a mom that does nothing to try to ameliorate the situation and she also asks for many favors, then that is not bigotry.

oh, thanks for expanding, bopper.  we're in complete agreement!

[camlan]

Let's say the kids were perfectly healthy, but the mother was the same--relying on neighbors to help her out with the kids all the time.

I still would have doubts about buying that house, because while I want to be a good neighbor and I want the neighbors to like me, I don't like being used.

One apartment I rented had a small outdoor space for each unit. Every single time I went outside to sit and read, a neighbor's little girl would show up and want to play. She was a great kid, very bright and chatty and I liked her. But after about a month, I realized that her mother was sending her out to play with me--I was not only an unpaid babysitter--I hadn't even realized that I was babysitting. The end came one day when I decided I didn't want to play with the little girl and told her to go home, only to find out that her mother had gone shopping and locked the door!

I don't mind helping people out when they need it. I do mind being taken advantage of. And I think this mother next door is the kind to take advantage of people. And I'd have to consider that house carefully to determine if living next to her was worth it.

[wolfie]

Let's say the kids were perfectly healthy, but the mother was the same--relying on neighbors to help her out with the kids all the time.

I still would have doubts about buying that house, because while I want to be a good neighbor and I want the neighbors to like me, I don't like being used.

One apartment I rented had a small outdoor space for each unit. Every single time I went outside to sit and read, a neighbor's little girl would show up and want to play. She was a great kid, very bright and chatty and I liked her. But after about a month, I realized that her mother was sending her out to play with me--I was not only an unpaid babysitter--I hadn't even realized that I was babysitting. The end came one day when I decided I didn't want to play with the little girl and told her to go home, only to find out that her mother had gone shopping and locked the door!

I don't mind helping people out when they need it. I do mind being taken advantage of. And I think this mother next door is the kind to take advantage of people. And I'd have to consider that house carefully to determine if living next to her was worth it.

You can't leave it like that! You have to tell us what happened after you found out the mom went shopping and locked the door.

[HorseFreak]

I think it would be completely okay to decide you didn't want to live there because of the children's medical condition--because of the way their medical condition would impact YOUR life.

I feel for the mom, and the kids. Even if she wasn't a remora, I wouldn't buy that house. But that doesn't maek me a horrible person.

And even if it does, I'm entitled to be a horrible person.

I agree. Just because the kids' screaming/yelping is due to a medical condition doesn't make it any easier to sleep through. I would run screaming from that place!

[siamesecat2965]

My last apt was in a house, with 3 other apts.  I was on the top floor, and the driveway/garage parking area was behind the house.  One of the tenants in the first floor had been there forever, something like 30+ years.  She was a nice lady, but lonely, and could talk the hind end off a donkey.  She also used to sit outside whenver it was warm and sunny, and you HAD to pass by her to get to your apt. 

Each and every time she'd see me, she'd start chatting. Now I'm a chatty person too, but this was too much.  we'd start off with how are you, etc.  and then she'd go off on some tangent, talking about people you didn't know and other totally unrelated things.  My stairs were off to the side of the house, and I finally had to start talking and walking, and even then she'd follow me for a certain distance, still chatting merrily away.  I didn't move because of that, but it certainly didn't make me happy to have to look out my window each and every time I wanted to go somewhere!

[Ginger G]

I agree with practically everyone else, not moving there does not make you a bigot at all!  You're lucky you found out the situation before moving in.  Thanks to my next door neighbor from ehell, I'm learning first hand that the type of neighbors you have can really impact your quality of life.

[cabbageweevil]

My last apt was in a house, with 3 other apts.  I was on the top floor, and the driveway/garage parking area was behind the house.  One of the tenants in the first floor had been there forever, something like 30+ years.  She was a nice lady, but lonely, and could talk the hind end off a donkey.  She also used to sit outside whenver it was warm and sunny, and you HAD to pass by her to get to your apt. 

Each and every time she'd see me, she'd start chatting. Now I'm a chatty person too, but this was too much.  we'd start off with how are you, etc.  and then she'd go off on some tangent, talking about people you didn't know and other totally unrelated things.  My stairs were off to the side of the house, and I finally had to start talking and walking, and even then she'd follow me for a certain distance, still chatting merrily away.  I didn't move because of that, but it certainly didn't make me happy to have to look out my window each and every time I wanted to go somewhere!

Reminds me of a period when I had a room in a house cut up into individual dwellings. For a while, another room in the house was inhabited by a fellow who gave rise to a situation similar to the one with the lady, which you describe. He was unused to being on his own, and had various personal troubles and difficulties. Plus, he came from a different, and hyper-sociable, culture; "privacy" was a concept which baffled him -- he thought it a weird perversion afflicting the "locals" here in the UK, and which he tried to play his part in educating them out of.

He tended to emerge from his room (ground floor, front of house) when he was aware of a fellow-resident coming into the house, and seize upon them and engage in lengthy discourse -- part about his own doings, part interrogation (sometimes about unwelcome-ly personal matters).  I and the other imhabitants ended up creeping stealthily into the house, praying that he'd be out, or for once not on the alert. (Also, at times he'd come to one's room and knock on the door, wanting to lengthily chat.) It's laudable to try to do some meeting of people's needs; but past a certain point, it becomes beyond the reach of anybody but a saint.

[Piratelvr1121]

Selfish does not always equal bad rude awful puppykicking monster.  If we didn't have a healthy dose of selfish we'd give away everything we own and end up wandering the streets nekkid and starving.

I certainly wouldn't move there either.  Why?  Because even though I am very friendly and outgoing, I need me-time.  I selfishly guard my me-time.  I have a crazy busy schedule and not much time to decompress (don't get me wrong, I love being busy, that's why I guard me-time).  If Auntie Mame doesn't get her me-time, she turns into Mommy Dearest. 

You need to be selfish and do what's best for you and your family.  From your description and what your gut is telling you (listen to the gut, always listen to the gut), you would not have a moment's peace.

I'm like that too.  I love my kids and am friendly towards others, but I'm rather introverted and need my me time.  Heck every Saturday I usually take off with the van to have a bit of shopping time to myself when I don't have to take the kids with me and can shop at leisure.  And with a baby emerging into toddlerhood, even though he's pretty good and sweet, I still enjoy the 2 hours a day I get to myself when he goes down for his nap.  I would not appreciate a neighbor saying 'Well hey, since the baby's sleeping and you're not busy..."    Those two hours are for doing things that are easier done when he's not underfoot and sometimes that includes a nap for me, too.

I think you're fine, OP. Yes you could put up barriers, but it does get tiring to have to keep reinforcing said barriers.   We've had our dealings with the children of parents who would send them our way to get them out of the parents' hair.  Usually it's the kids who are spoiled brats cause they're given anything they want to bribe them into leaving mom and dad alone. It gets old, and fast.