Rude to change Thanksgiving menu? Add'l info #23

[KenveeB]

But it seems rather impolitic to me to actually create a situation where a person will have to choose between seeing you or maintaining their family traditions. If you know that their traditions are in line with your own (and in this case, that their tastes coincide with yours), then you likely won't create such a situation in the first place. But if, as your husband seems to be saying, their traditions and/or tastes might be different from and possibly incompatible with yours, rigidity will not encourage them to choose you over their traditions, nor will it endear you to them in general. A little flexibility can go a long way towards family harmony.

Agreed. It wasn't the OP's menu that bothered me, it was the attitude (thankfully changed in later posts) that she was doing it only the way that SHE wanted to without regard for anyone else's traditions and preferences. Serving your awesome menu but also allowing MIL's mashed potatoes and FIL's bread -- no matter how much you personally dislike them or think they're unnecessary -- makes everyone happy. Family's about combining many different perspectives, not just doing what one person wants.

[Maude]

Dump the pumpkin dump cake and make a tiramasu.

Mashed potato with turkey??? Yuk!

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

LOL. Good point about Italian-American families including a lasagne

I meant a lasagne in lieu of a regular Thanksgiving dinner, but that hadn't occurred to me. I did go to Thanksgiving with a Turkish-American family and have baklava join the dessert table, though.

[Venus193]

There was a story on the local cable news two years ago about a Sikh family establishing Thanksgiving traditions:

http://www.ny1.com/content/129552/queens-immigrants-spice-up-thanksgiving-traditions

I'd love to try their turkey recipe!

[Allyson]

I think it's one thing if you absolutely know that there is one dish that, to your whole family, absolutely makes the holiday. But once it starts getting more complex than that..well, look at the wide variety of particular items people even here in this thread absolutely desire for their 'ideal' Thanksgiving or Christmas. Are you supposed to ask every person what it is that 'makes' the holiday and make sure they get it? That would be awesome, but not really practical once you get past two or three people.

If you have a gathering with people from different families, probably at least one of them would go home disappointed by that standard. Even if you serve the requisite mashed potatoes, some won't like it because it's not the way they remember it. I do get that food traditions are about memories and feeling connected, not just 'I want my mashed potatoes'. But it seems that traditions are becoming far less universal, so *someone* is likely to be unhappy with *some* aspect of what you've done.

To my mind, the OP *has* incorporated pretty much all the Thanksgiving staples. And doing them 'traditionally' by one standard might not be traditional by another anyway. It wouldn't have occurred to me til this thread that the way things were prepared was considered that universal that it 'wouldn't be Thanksigiving'. Like others have said..I do think if she invited her family over and sprung on them a traditional Italian or Chinese meal, that would be a bit of a shock. But this just doesn't seem that different to me.   

[KenveeB]

I think it's one thing if you absolutely know that there is one dish that, to your whole family, absolutely makes the holiday. But once it starts getting more complex than that..well, look at the wide variety of particular items people even here in this thread absolutely desire for their 'ideal' Thanksgiving or Christmas. Are you supposed to ask every person what it is that 'makes' the holiday and make sure they get it? That would be awesome, but not really practical once you get past two or three people.

It varies a lot in this thread, yes, but not really that much between families. My brother and I would probably answer about the same, even if we wouldn't have the same answer to some random person in this thread. And honestly, the only guests are her parents, his parents, and SIL. Even if each one of them brings the one item that "makes" it for them, that's not much additional. That's assuming no overlap at all, which would be unusual with only two families. Besides, OP doesn't have to take a poll -- she knows from the very beginning that her ILs will want mashed potatoes and FIL's bread. She's not even being asked to make it, just to allow them to bring it or at least give them the heads up that it won't be there. That doesn't seem like a burden.

[katycoo]

I am finding the attitudes in this thread highly amusing.

There seems to be quite a bit of: "OP - Thanksgiving is a traditional meal.  Its not all about what YOU want. You have to consider what your GUESTS want.  After all, I wouldn't go to any Thanksgiving dinner if the host didn't give a crap about what MY preferences."

Take the selfishness from one person and transfer it to another.  Why not just try something different?

Personally, I think the OP's menu sounded fantastic.  And from what I hear, pretty 'traditional'.  IMO, potatoes are potatoes. How does serving them differently ruin anything?

[Betelnut]

Personally, I think the OP's menu sounded fantastic.  And from what I hear, pretty 'traditional'.  IMO, potatoes are potatoes. How does serving them differently ruin anything?

Mashed potatoes are very different from roasted potatoes.  Both are delicious, of course, but they are as different as hamburger is from brisket.

The OP's menu DOES sound good.  I would still sort of look around for the stuffing and potatoes though. Those two things are what I consider Thanksgiving standards.  Thanksgiving wouldn't be "ruined" because the potatoes aren't mashed but I would feel a bit of selfish, "Waaah!!  Where's the mashed potatoes!  I want, I want, I want!"  Never to be spoken aloud, of course.

I often go to my Aunt and Uncle's house for Thanksgiving.  I really, really don't like their "stuffing" (which is dressing I guess since it was never in the turkey.)  But just because I find big hunks of bread and bigger pieces of celery gross doesn't mean that I won't go back since I love the company.  But I still wish they had "real" stuffing!

[Sharnita]

Katycoo, nobody is suggesting that OP not have what she wants also. I think the point it doesn't have to be a situation where you get the food you or or get the food I want.but we both.get the food we want.

[KenveeB]

Katycoo, nobody is suggesting that OP not have what she wants also. I think the point it doesn't have to be a situation where you get the food you or or get the food I want.but we both.get the food we want.

Pod! How will letting FIL bring some bread and MIL have her mashed potatoes affect things for OP? She still serves her menu and doesn't have to have any of the extra stuff if she doesn't want it.

[rose red]

I am reminded of the Friends Thanksgiving episode where Monica made a different potato dish for each friend, and a whole different meal for Chandler who doesn't eat Thanksgiving food.

[katycoo]

Katycoo, nobody is suggesting that OP not have what she wants also. I think the point it doesn't have to be a situation where you get the food you or or get the food I want.but we both.get the food we want.

Pod! How will letting FIL bring some bread and MIL have her mashed potatoes affect things for OP? She still serves her menu and doesn't have to have any of the extra stuff if she doesn't want it.

I suppose because there's a point at where the situation become ludicrous.

OP wants to try champagne turkey, but XX loves and always has Other Turkey Recipe. And YY the in-law only likes Turkey Roll cause that's what he grew up with in his household.

OP wants to try roast potatos but WW thinks its just not the same without Mash.

Fresh beans v bean casserole.  Sweet potato pie with brown sugar and marshmallows cause we always have it with a single serving of a different one for grandma the diabetic. Apple pie and pumpkin pie and cake.

You've have multiple versions of everything, the cost would triple, and so would the wastage.

[Sharnita]

but OP is talking about not letting them bring it so it would be their cost and their waste to worry about.  nobody would be asking her to buy anything more than she was initially willing to buy

[katycoo]

Only partially.  The OP must cater as though everyone will wish to taste each of her dishes, so that in the event that turns out to be the case, there is enough for everyone.  This despite being the likely reality that everyone won't try all of her dishes, she has no idea which ones will be popular.

This goes for the other guests.  Its still supplying food when you can assume 50% of it will be wasted.  You just can't predict what 50% to know where to downsize.  I don't mind spending money on people, but it hurts more when I know its somewhat being wasted.

Not to mention double the number of dishes to fit on the table, or in the oven etc...

[Venus193]

There would also be the risk that the other guests might go for the familiar rather than eat the OP's meal.  I have never prepared a full Thanksgiving meal for a family situation but I would be insulted if all the guests decided they would bring something to compete with what I prepared.