Rude to change Thanksgiving menu? Add'l info #23

[Hmmmmm]

Off topic
After reading posts in this thread yesterday, I dreamed of Thanksgiving dinner last night.  In my dream, on Thanksgiving morning I realized the turkey was only 10 pounds, not the 15 pounder I thought I'd bought.  So DD and I decide to run to the store for a second turkey but when we get there, the only non-frozen ones are like 30 pounds... they are literally like 4ft x 3ft big and the butcher department guy is trying to convince me that I can cook it in under 4 hours.  Luckily they find another 8 pounder and I take it but then get behing idiot shoppers in the self checkout lanes that don't know how to use the machines.  My alarm went off around then... and I woke up really hungry this morning and am craving cornbread dressing. 

[Shoo]

Only partially.  The OP must cater as though everyone will wish to taste each of her dishes, so that in the event that turns out to be the case, there is enough for everyone.  This despite being the likely reality that everyone won't try all of her dishes, she has no idea which ones will be popular.

This goes for the other guests.  Its still supplying food when you can assume 50% of it will be wasted.  You just can't predict what 50% to know where to downsize.  I don't mind spending money on people, but it hurts more when I know its somewhat being wasted.

Not to mention double the number of dishes to fit on the table, or in the oven etc...

It's Thanksgiving!  It's *supposed* to be a feast, with lots of leftovers and a table crammed with many dishes.  At least, that's how it is in my family.   

[sourwolf]

Only partially.  The OP must cater as though everyone will wish to taste each of her dishes, so that in the event that turns out to be the case, there is enough for everyone.  This despite being the likely reality that everyone won't try all of her dishes, she has no idea which ones will be popular.

This goes for the other guests.  Its still supplying food when you can assume 50% of it will be wasted.  You just can't predict what 50% to know where to downsize.  I don't mind spending money on people, but it hurts more when I know its somewhat being wasted.

Not to mention double the number of dishes to fit on the table, or in the oven etc...

It's Thanksgiving!  It's *supposed* to be a feast, with lots of leftovers and a table crammed with many dishes.  At least, that's how it is in my family. 

Not only that but if the In Laws are bringing the potatoes and bread and nothing else, I don't understand how that is doubling the number of dishes to fit on the table/in the oven? Presumably the bread will already be baked so really all it is is one pot of potatoes on the stove.

[Dorrie78]

The OPs menu sounds like there are parts of it I would like, but I would go home after and cook myself an entire Thanksgiving dinner on Friday or Saturday and enjoy leftovers all week. Thanksgiving *must* have mashed potatoes, stuffing and gravy for me. I wouldn't say anything to the host for changing this traditional meal so much, but I would not accept another invitation to Thanksgiving dinner.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I am so grateful that the dinner I go to each year follows our family's traditions. It is comforting and a relaxing day. I do make the mashed potatoes and gravy, but that is because the host thinks I do it better than she does.

[mbbored]

OP, I think it comes down to knowing your audience, in this case, your families. Clearly there are posters who would eat your dinner with no problem while there are others who would be disappointed by not having their favorite dishes. If you'd like, run the menu by your families, at the very least asking "How would you feel if there weren't mashed potatoes at dinner?"

[camlan]

First of all, I have to admit that since reading the OP, I have made rosemary roasted potatoes and a huge batch of roasted vegetables, because they sounded so good, I couldn't wait until a holiday to eat them. So I think the OP's planned menu is quite delicious.

However, I'm wondering if the real point of contention is that the menu, while it has most of the traditional foods, has almost none of the traditional preparation methods. I think it's the amount of difference between the standard, traditional fare and the OP's menu that would cause issues.

We've changed holiday traditions in my family, but we've changed them slowly, a little bit at a time. Eliminating so many traditional dishes at once would cause an uproar with some of my family. Changing them one dish a year, giving people a chance to have input, would work more smoothly. We usually have one "experimental" dish each year at Thanksgiving (last year, it was the green bean casserole, because we'd never, ever had it). We all try it. At some point before the next holiday, we decide if we want to have the experiment again. In the case of the green bean casserole, we decided before leaving the dinner table that none of us liked it and it would not be a repeat.

My brother usually puts some surprise ingredient in the stuffing and we spend half the meal trying to figure out what the heck it is. We've vetoed some of them, like pretzels, but have allowed him to continue with others.

[Fleur]

I'm sorry, but I still think that bringing outside food to a dinner, even a family one, is rude. It smacks of 'your dinner isn't good enough, let me bring some REAL food.' I would be seething if someone did that to me, and I would not want them back again.

[violinp]

I'm sorry, but I still think that bringing outside food to a dinner, even a family one, is rude. It smacks of 'your dinner isn't good enough, let me bring some REAL food.' I would be seething if someone did that to me, and I would not want them back again.

If a family (or any other group) has decided on a semi - potluck meal, it's not rude. Now, if a guest brought a dish when not asked and/or given the okay to do so by the host, that would be rude. My mom cannot make a pie to save her life, so my grandma brings over her pecan pie and pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving.

[Fleur]

I'm sorry, but I still think that bringing outside food to a dinner, even a family one, is rude. It smacks of 'your dinner isn't good enough, let me bring some REAL food.' I would be seething if someone did that to me, and I would not want them back again.

If a family (or any other group) has decided on a semi - potluck meal, it's not rude. Now, if a guest brought a dish when not asked and/or given the okay to do so by the host, that would be rude. My mom cannot make a pie to save her life, so my grandma brings over her pecan pie and pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving.

Oh, if it's prearranged, that's fine. I do see what you mean. I'm talking about a situation like the OP (unless I've misunderstood it) where someone sets a menu, and a lot of people start briniging subtle or not-so subtle pressure to bear. 'Oh, what about the mashed potatoes?'.'I think champagne Turkey sounds odd, let me bring a ham as well'. That kind of thing. I realise that the situation in the OP was not as bad as that, but I still come down on 'my house, my menu' overall.

[sourwolf]

I'm sorry, but I still think that bringing outside food to a dinner, even a family one, is rude. It smacks of 'your dinner isn't good enough, let me bring some REAL food.' I would be seething if someone did that to me, and I would not want them back again.

If a family (or any other group) has decided on a semi - potluck meal, it's not rude. Now, if a guest brought a dish when not asked and/or given the okay to do so by the host, that would be rude. My mom cannot make a pie to save her life, so my grandma brings over her pecan pie and pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving.

Oh, if it's prearranged, that's fine. I do see what you mean. I'm talking about a situation like the OP (unless I've misunderstood it) where someone sets a menu, and a lot of people start briniging subtle or not-so subtle pressure to bear. 'Oh, what about the mashed potatoes?'.'I think champagne Turkey sounds odd, let me bring a ham as well'. That kind of thing. I realise that the situation in the OP was not as bad as that, but I still come down on 'my house, my menu' overall.

I think you misunderstood it.  It was the OP's husband who said that the parents would miss the potatoes and Ehellions who suggested that she offer that they could bring mashed potatoes if they want to.  She hasn't discussed it with them at all, although she has decided

I will let my FIL bring the bread, since that is his tradition and I do like it.

[Fleur]

I'm sorry, but I still think that bringing outside food to a dinner, even a family one, is rude. It smacks of 'your dinner isn't good enough, let me bring some REAL food.' I would be seething if someone did that to me, and I would not want them back again.

If a family (or any other group) has decided on a semi - potluck meal, it's not rude. Now, if a guest brought a dish when not asked and/or given the okay to do so by the host, that would be rude. My mom cannot make a pie to save her life, so my grandma brings over her pecan pie and pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving.

Oh, if it's prearranged, that's fine. I do see what you mean. I'm talking about a situation like the OP (unless I've misunderstood it) where someone sets a menu, and a lot of people start briniging subtle or not-so subtle pressure to bear. 'Oh, what about the mashed potatoes?'.'I think champagne Turkey sounds odd, let me bring a ham as well'. That kind of thing. I realise that the situation in the OP was not as bad as that, but I still come down on 'my house, my menu' overall.

I think you misunderstood it.  It was the OP's husband who said that the parents would miss the potatoes and Ehellions who suggested that she offer that they could bring mashed potatoes if they want to.  She hasn't discussed it with them at all, although she has decided

I will let my FIL bring the bread, since that is his tradition and I do like it.

Ah, that makes sense. I still wouldn't be thrilled, but at least that isn't rude.

[Sharnita]

Actually, he is the host as well - why should her wishes trump his?

[katycoo]

Actually, he is the host as well - why should her wishes trump his?

Because she's performing the labour.  If her DH wants some sway, he can help.

[KenveeB]

Actually, he is the host as well - why should her wishes trump his?

Because she's performing the labour.  If her DH wants some sway, he can help.

It's a little sexist to assume he isn't. The OP says "we are hosting" and refers to "our menu", not "I'm doing everything and DH is sniping from the sides." He's co-hosting, and he's at least involved enough in the planning that he knows the planned dishes two months out and is voicing opinions on it. He's as entitled to his opinions about the menu as she is.

[katycoo]

Actually, he is the host as well - why should her wishes trump his?

Because she's performing the labour.  If her DH wants some sway, he can help.

It's a little sexist to assume he isn't. The OP says "we are hosting" and refers to "our menu", not "I'm doing everything and DH is sniping from the sides." He's co-hosting, and he's at least involved enough in the planning that he knows the planned dishes two months out and is voicing opinions on it. He's as entitled to his opinions about the menu as she is.

Nothing sexist about it.  My assumption is based on the fact that no mention of anyone other than herself doing the cooking/prep was made in the OP.  I remain of the general opinon that the person undertaking the labour gets final say on the menu.