Author Topic: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?  (Read 32267 times)

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bloo

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #135 on: October 11, 2012, 01:14:59 PM »
I'm with this. I've read countless threads on this forum where posters say, "People can ask for whatever they want. You can say 'no'. They should accept your 'no' gracefully."

I don't think the OP's co-worker is being rude. How can she possibly know that this is an imposition if Gen Xr doesn't tell her? People are different. Maybe if the situation was reversed this wouldn't bother Gen Xr's rider at all to do the same favor.

 I think Gen Xr, is like a lot of people that think that other people think the way we do. And they don't. Because they're different. OP would never impose on someone like this, but other people actually do these favors and it doesn't bother them so we HAVE to tell people 'no, I can't/won't do that,' instead of doing it and becoming resentful. Having followed other threads where the OP developed a spine of titanium, I've no doubt Gen Xr will shore up her own and handle this quite well.

I agree.  I have friends who are quite generous, both with time, money and anything else any of their friends or family asks for.  However, this leads to them sometimes being taken advantage of, although they are pretty good about telling the offenders hey, this has to stop, and when.  They've had many friends, co-workers etc. stay wiht them for varying amounts of time, and only a couple of times have had to say hey, you need to go now.

Me, on the other hand, canno't even fathom, even if i Had the room, letting someone move in for an undefined period of time.  I get twitchy and want my space back after TWO nights of one visitor!

I hear you! When one of my relatives made noises about moving in with me and my family, I said, "sure, my house rules are (naming copious amounts of intrusive, pain-in-the-butt, however perfectly reasonable rules) and I'd need a move-out time frame." That relative dropped the subject right there.

I like my space. I would NOT like someone moving in with me, but this was family and I genuinely meant the offer. But if the relative said 'yes' and accepted my house rules, then we'd get along very well for the duration of the stay.

On topic, I'da never said 'yes' to carpooling. I'd HATE being tied down like that for work. So glad I telecommute. In the store rarely and I set my own hours.

Gen Xr, I don't know if you're single, but if you're married a spouse might care about you coming home later or leaving earlier because of it. I only mention this because many years ago (when my spine was made of overcooked spaghetti) I tentatively agreed to babysit for a friend without even discussing it with my spouse. My DH was mad. He really felt I couldn't unilaterally make that decision since it affected our whole family. To this day I don't know why I didn't tell friend, "No, sorry, that won't be possible." I actually thought I HAD to consider it and do it because I was a SAHM and what else did I have to do besides look after kids? The thought, "no, I don't WANT to" crossed my mind, but I couldn't say it.

So I had to go back to my friend and tell her 'no'. She was annoyed but when the ground didn't open, the universe didn't split and the earth kept spinning on it's axis, I discovered then that I could say 'no' and things would be okay. People could be annoyed with me and things were still okay. It was a major turning point for me.   

bloo

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #136 on: October 11, 2012, 01:17:39 PM »
Sorry, I expressed myself badly.  I was referring to posts saying something like "bumping for updates" rather than other input.

And I agree with you 100% - it's not fair to complain about someone imposing when, as far as "imposer" is aware, the situation is working out just fine.  Hints (such as a change in working hours) don't always work.  Once the situation becomes inconvenient, the host/driver needs to come clean and say so.

No worries! I thought some might even be frustrated by input other than the OP, which I can understand. Thanks, tho. Not badly worded at all. ;D

gen xer

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #137 on: October 14, 2012, 12:18:36 PM »
Update!!!!   Cuz I know the suspense was killing everyone.....

I wimped out the first two days back to work.  I'll admit it.

But I finally grew a pair overnight and told her that I was unable to accomodate her anymore....that my schedule was becoming more and more unpredictable and having to be responsible for someone else was getting unmanageable.  I know I didn't need to explain...but after so long I felt she deserved something.

So.....I got some awkward silence....and then an "I don't know what I am going to do now.  Maybe I will just have to stop working".

That set my teeth on edge because it was a guilt trip....but she has the means as much as anyone else to buy a car.  She simply didn't want to have to do it.  I told her as much too....my response was a rather aloof "If you really want to keep working you can buy a car...everyone else does."

I have mixed feelings now....she is kind of chilly with me and i do not know how she is getting to and fro....but if the only reason she has ever been nice is because she had to be...then I should have ditched her loooooong ago.   

I was reading another posters comment about how we tend to think everyone should / does think like we do.  Since I would never ask that of someone then I can't fathom how someone else can not see it as an impostion.  It is very true...I was guilty of that.  And yet I still think there is some degree to which people should hold themselves to a "reasonable person" standard.  If she herself acknowledged that it was an inconvenience the she can't possibly come back with "I didn't realize it was such an imposition because you didn't tell me."

Do people have to be hit over the head?  If you ask something of someone THINK about what that means for them...especially a long term favour like this.  I fully acknowledget that I should have been the one to say something a long time ago rather than let my resentment fester like it has....but the very nature of it has "imposition" written all over it.  The extra driving, the time, the inability to make extra stops, constantly having to consider someone else....

Errr. 

Perfect Circle

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #138 on: October 14, 2012, 12:23:17 PM »
I'm glad you are not letting her guilt trip get to you. It's her responsibility to figure out a way to get to work. I'm also glad you told her.
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Queen of Clubs

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #139 on: October 14, 2012, 12:24:47 PM »
So.....I got some awkward silence....and then an "I don't know what I am going to do now.  Maybe I will just have to stop working".

That set my teeth on edge because it was a guilt trip....but she has the means as much as anyone else to buy a car.  She simply didn't want to have to do it.  I told her as much too....my response was a rather aloof "If you really want to keep working you can buy a car...everyone else does."


Yeah, that reads as manipulation to me.

But you're free!  It's done and over with.  If she wants rides to work, she can either buy a car, as you said, or look around for someone else to accommodate her.  If she comes back to you and tries to talk you into changing your mind, I suggest a, "I'm afraid that won't be possible."

Well done!  And enjoy that extra time and your quiet commute.

RubyCat

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #140 on: October 14, 2012, 12:33:04 PM »
But I finally grew a pair overnight and told her that I was unable to accomodate her anymore....that my schedule was becoming more and more unpredictable and having to be responsible for someone else was getting unmanageable.  I know I didn't need to explain...but after so long I felt she deserved something.

So.....I got some awkward silence....and then an "I don't know what I am going to do now.  Maybe I will just have to stop working".

That set my teeth on edge because it was a guilt trip....but she has the means as much as anyone else to buy a car.  She simply didn't want to have to do it.  I told her as much too....my response was a rather aloof "If you really want to keep working you can buy a car...everyone else does."

Wow.  Just wow.

I think your "excuse" was perfect.  You didn't give too much information and yet you were truthful.  I know no explanation was really necessary, but I would've felt the need to give one too.  But her reaction?  Wow.  You're response there was perfect too.  I still can't wrap my head around the way this woman thinks.  Instead of being grateful, she's being pissy.  Not cool.  I guess it's best that she's finally shown her true colors but very, very disappointing.

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #141 on: October 14, 2012, 12:40:03 PM »
You did well, Gen Xer!

She is bound to be ticked off at you. She got all the benefits of being your passenger: not having to pay for gas and the extra time taken to fill up the tank, car maintenance and the extra car insurance, less commute time, not having to buy another car.

When I look at that list, i see selfishness and laziness looking back.

BTDT, my passenger took an attitude the morning I called to let her know that I had the flu, and I would be calling in sick because of the flu.




gen xer

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #142 on: October 14, 2012, 12:57:14 PM »
You did well, Gen Xer!

She is bound to be ticked off at you. She got all the benefits of being your passenger: not having to pay for gas and the extra time taken to fill up the tank, car maintenance and the extra car insurance, less commute time, not having to buy another car.

When I look at that list, i see selfishness and laziness looking back.

BTDT, my passenger took an attitude the morning I called to let her know that I had the flu, and I would be calling in sick because of the flu.

Doesn't that just frost your cornflakes????  I had the flu a couple of years back and had to make the early morning call to my passenger...it was a sigh and an "I'll try to get another ride...sigh.  If not I guess I'll just stay home..."

You do that lady....

If you choose not to have your own vehicle the you have to live with the consequences!!!

LeveeWoman

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #143 on: October 14, 2012, 12:58:14 PM »
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Corvid

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #144 on: October 14, 2012, 01:10:09 PM »
She feared she might be imposing on you but it was such a comfortable and convenient imposition for her that she hoped giving you gas money made it enough of a mutual benefit that you'd continue to go along with it.  Now her comfort has been disturbed.  Either her husband has to get his butt out the door to take her to work, she has to buy a car, or she has to find another person who'll be as generous as you have been and that won't be easy.  Tsk!  Such a nuisance!

I noticed long ago it isn't uncommon that when you go above and beyond for someone every once in a great while, they're grateful.  If you go above and beyond for someone on a consistent basis they start to take it for granted, it somehow becomes your "job", and then when you can't or won't do it they've got gall enough to be annoyed.

gen xer

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #145 on: October 14, 2012, 01:28:13 PM »
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 :o
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #146 on: October 14, 2012, 01:33:45 PM »
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 :o
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.

That's a really messed-up marriage.

snowdragon

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #147 on: October 14, 2012, 02:47:00 PM »
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 :o
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.

That's a really messed-up marriage.

seriously, I can not imagine spending my life with someone who considered my every want - no matter how small- an inconvenience.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #148 on: October 14, 2012, 02:49:45 PM »
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 :o
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.

That's a really messed-up marriage.

seriously, I can not imagine spending my life with someone who considered my every want - no matter how small- an inconvenience.

I bet he happily relies on her income.

wolfie

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #149 on: October 14, 2012, 03:44:38 PM »
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 :o
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.

That's a really messed-up marriage.

seriously, I can not imagine spending my life with someone who considered my every want - no matter how small- an inconvenience.

This might not be coming from him - it could all be her. For all we know the husband wouldn't care about being left without a car or driving her to work - but she just refuses to do that. Unless the OP knows the husband and could answer that.