Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?

[gen xer]

Hello all....

First post here....I have been driving an older lady to and from work for several years...she approached me and although I really did NOT want to take it on I felt put on the spot and agreed to it.   Since then she has been the ideal rider - always giving me gas money and always on time...however it is still out of my way and at times inconvenient. 

For a while it looked like she would not be returning after she completed her current contract due to funding issues so I was content to continue as is thinking we were coming to the end of it...but our employer has miraculously managed to wrangle funding for her position and she will now continue employment and is expecting to continue riding with me.

I informed her that I would drive her as long as she had some backup transportation because I had other commitments that would sometimes necessitate a change in schedule and /or whether I was going to be going directly home  after work.  I of course would give her as much notice as possible and refund any gas money for that trip.  Since then I had another coworker inform me that I had agreed to drive her and I should be making myself available. 

Seriously?  I did not think I was a chauffeur.

I had never thought of myself as rude for asking this but now I am not so sure.  Just want some opinions...thanks!

[gramma dishes]

I think you are beyond thoughtful to let her know that there will be times you just can't drive her.  It's not as though you are a taxi service and that she is contracted with you as her personal driver.  Yes, she's paying gas money (which is great) but she's not paying for your time or the extra wear and tear on your car -- and you.  You are your own primary responsibility.  Not her.

I think you've been doing a very considerate and generous thing and you should be commended for driving her at all.  It is out of your way and it's definitely not a part of your 'job description'. 

Perhaps the coworker who is criticizing your handling of this situation should be the one driving her!  Perhaps you should suggest it!   

[SiotehCat]

I don't think you are wrong to stop driving her. I would have stopped a long time ago. I just dont like being responsible for getting another person to work.

I think you should give her 2 weeks notice, maybe a month if you really want to be extra nice, but thats it.

[O'Dell]

Hello all....

First post here....I have been driving an older lady to and from work for several years...she approached me and although I really did NOT want to take it on I felt put on the spot and agreed to it.   Since then she has been the ideal rider - always giving me gas money and always on time...however it is still out of my way and at times inconvenient. 

For a while it looked like she would not be returning after she completed her current contract due to funding issues so I was content to continue as is thinking we were coming to the end of it...but our employer has miraculously managed to wrangle funding for her position and she will now continue employment and is expecting to continue riding with me.

I informed her that I would drive her as long as she had some backup transportation because I had other commitments that would sometimes necessitate a change in schedule and /or whether I was going to be going directly home  after work.  I of course would give her as much notice as possible and refund any gas money for that trip.  Since then I had another coworker inform me that I had agreed to drive her and I should be making myself available. 

Seriously?  I did not think I was a chauffeur.

I had never thought of myself as rude for asking this but now I am not so sure.  Just want some opinions...thanks!

No you are not rude to change the schedule when you have to. I'm curious...how did that even come up that your other coworker was commenting on it? I hope it was not because the woman you give rides to wasn't complaining. At any rate, I think the other coworker's the rude one as it's not her business.

And you would not be rude to stop giving the woman rides altogether. You should give her some notice so she can make other arrangements. "I'm afraid it will no longer be possible for me to give you rides after XX date. You'll need to make other arrangements for getting to and from work." And just stick with "It's just not possible" no matter what she or anyone else says.

[JenJay]

Welcome! 

Heck no you aren't rude to ask her to have a back-up plan in place for when you can't drive her. Life happens, sometimes you'll have an urgent appointment immediately after work, sometimes you'll be sick and unable to go in at all, I hope you get an occasional vacation! It sounds like you two have an ideal, mutually respectful situation going. I'm sure your carpool buddy appreciates the ride and also the heads-up when you won't be available. As for your other coworker, if she's so adamant that someone be available to drive the lady every day, no matter what, maybe she should volunteer to take over for you. 

[miranova]

I think you are very kind to have driven her this long and very kind to continue to be willing to do so most days. 

Of course it is not rude for you to have other commitments or priorities on certain evenings.  Your only obligation whatsoever in this situation is to not leave her thinking she has a ride when she doesn't.  Which you are not doing.  You are communicating with her as to when you won't be available.

Your coworker is wrong about your obligations and also rude to basically tell you that you what you must do with your time.

[SleepyKitty]

Just chiming in to agree with the others that of course you are not rude to put some limits on the rides this woman gets from you.

But I'm going to throw in some un-asked for advice as well - take it with a grain of salt.  You noted at the beginning that you did not want to drive this woman, and yet you have been doing so for several years? And it sounds like you were really looking forward to the fact that you would no longer be driving her before you knew her contract was extended.

Whether or not this woman has been the perfect passenger, if you don't want to drive her for any reason - stop driving her. I apologize if I'm overstepping, but I can't imagine fulfilling an obligation that I didn't want in the first place for years. This board is excellent at offering little scripts or helping people make up phrases if you're just not sure how to tell her no. And of course I may be totally off base in thinking you'd rather not have to drive her at all! But if that is the case, I would suggest you take this incident as an opportunity to say that you have more commitments now than you did before (no one needs to know the commitment is your couch and dinner) and you're unable to drive her home any more.

[LeveeWoman]

Why is this any of the other co-worker's business?

[Bijou]

Not rude and, in fact, very generous to have commuted with her for all this time.  All you are asking is that she have back up so you don't have to be concerned about it.  I don't know if the co-worker was giving you a heads up about this lady having feelings about it or if she/he thinks you should continue to drive the woman, but either way it is none of her business. 

[Fleur]

Just chiming in to agree with the others that of course you are not rude to put some limits on the rides this woman gets from you.

But I'm going to throw in some un-asked for advice as well - take it with a grain of salt.  You noted at the beginning that you did not want to drive this woman, and yet you have been doing so for several years? And it sounds like you were really looking forward to the fact that you would no longer be driving her before you knew her contract was extended.

Whether or not this woman has been the perfect passenger, if you don't want to drive her for any reason - stop driving her. I apologize if I'm overstepping, but I can't imagine fulfilling an obligation that I didn't want in the first place for years. This board is excellent at offering little scripts or helping people make up phrases if you're just not sure how to tell her no. And of course I may be totally off base in thinking you'd rather not have to drive her at all! But if that is the case, I would suggest you take this incident as an opportunity to say that you have more commitments now than you did before (no one needs to know the commitment is your couch and dinner) and you're unable to drive her home any more.

Oh my goodness, so much this. You are far nicer than I am, OP. I would have used some variation on 'that won't be possible' right from the get go, so you've already done far more than enough. I really would take the oppurtunity to bow out altogether. I can understand that you might not feel comfortable doing so, but I would urge you at least to consider it. It is a considerable favour you are doing, and by no means is this lady owed it.

[gen xer]

Just chiming in to agree with the others that of course you are not rude to put some limits on the rides this woman gets from you.

But I'm going to throw in some un-asked for advice as well - take it with a grain of salt.  You noted at the beginning that you did not want to drive this woman, and yet you have been doing so for several years? And it sounds like you were really looking forward to the fact that you would no longer be driving her before you knew her contract was extended.

Whether or not this woman has been the perfect passenger, if you don't want to drive her for any reason - stop driving her. I apologize if I'm overstepping, but I can't imagine fulfilling an obligation that I didn't want in the first place for years. This board is excellent at offering little scripts or helping people make up phrases if you're just not sure how to tell her no. And of course I may be totally off base in thinking you'd rather not have to drive her at all! But if that is the case, I would suggest you take this incident as an opportunity to say that you have more commitments now than you did before (no one needs to know the commitment is your couch and dinner) and you're unable to drive her home any more.

Not overstepping at all - back story - she asked me shortly after I started and was always hinting around that she might buy another car....or stop working altogether etc....To be honest I really don't like driving her even thought she is a nice lady and a good passenger.  It's just EVERY STINKIN Day....having to make small talk when I'd rather listen to the radio and an extra 15 minutes added on to my day.  I even tried changing my work hours only to have her say she would change hers to match mine.  I told her I was considering a compressed schedule where I work extra long hours in order to get a day off ( only permanent staff are allowed this not contractors like her ) and she said she would wait around for the extra hour per day.

Good grief.  I know I should just say I can't do it anymore but it would boil down to me having to admit I just don't want to....and she would be very hurt. 

As far as the other coworker....I don't think it was formulate das a complaint but more of a "Can you drive me whenh I need it - faux pas says I need to have other rides available.  At least I hope that's how it was.  I'd be choked if it was a complaint.

Thanks for the comments so far everyone

[kareng57]

Shouldn't she have had a backup plan for all these past years, anyway?  Even in a very amicable ride-sharing situation, there will always be times that the driver is sick, on vacation, etc.

Of course you're free to stop doing the driving, and it's none of the co-worker's business.  But if you've been doing it these several years, it stands to reason your passenger had no idea that you didn't like doing it.  I understand your reluctance to say "no", but I don't think it's reasonable to have expected her to have interpreted your "changing working hours" as "don't want to drive you anymore".

[thlayly]

I think you should make some excuse (wiser EHellions will give you a script!) and stop giving her rides. Saying no doesn't make you impolite.

[gen xer]

I am the first to admit this is of my own making - and that I shouldn't need to explain or have a reason why I can no longer drive her.  I would say the same thing to anyone else who asked. 

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that

[YummyMummy66]

I would start right now and tell her that as of: (give her at least thirty days), you will not be able to drive her on:  (pick two or three days of your choosing), as you have other commitments and will not be able to go out of your way.

You do not need to tell her what those commitments are.  Just say, "Suzie, I am sorry.  But, I said I have other commitments on Mondays and Thursdays and will not be able to drive you to or from work.  You will need to make other arrangements.

And keep repeating if necessary.  If anyone else wants to comment and stick their nose in this business, I would reply, "Well, since you seem so concerned, I will let Suzie know that you are willing to take over the days that I am not able to".  Bet that shuts them up because they may say all they want to, I notice they have stepped up to the plate, now have they?