Author Topic: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?  (Read 33475 times)

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gen xer

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #15 on: September 23, 2012, 05:21:10 PM »
Shouldn't she have had a backup plan for all these past years, anyway?  Even in a very amicable ride-sharing situation, there will always be times that the driver is sick, on vacation, etc.

Of course you're free to stop doing the driving, and it's none of the co-worker's business.  But if you've been doing it these several years, it stands to reason your passenger had no idea that you didn't like doing it.  I understand your reluctance to say "no", but I don't think it's reasonable to have expected her to have interpreted your "changing working hours" as "don't want to drive you anymore".

She did have back up rides and I certainly don't go in with the flu or not take vacation just to make sure she had a ride...this was more of a "I will be unavailable more often than the occasional sick day or vacation time from now on "

The funny thing is she keeps saying stuff like "this is out of your way and it must be very inconvenient" which makes me wonder if she really feels that way then why is she imposing if she knows it is inconvenient?

I always kept hoping it was temporary....but now I feel so entrenched it is hard to disentangle now!

buvezdevin

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #16 on: September 23, 2012, 05:26:59 PM »
I think you have been very considerate, and reasonably expected the situation to have resolved itself by now - as it hasn't, in your place, I would go back to Ms. Daisy and let her know you won't be driving her beyond the next two weeks.

I'd explain to her that you had never expected the commitment to last *beyond* several years, and while you've enjoyed her company, you are making personal plans for yourself which will prevent you from being her ride every day.  Rather than have both she and you attempt to manage schedules and plan for when you could drive her, and when she would need other arrangements - you realize it will be much simpler and better all around for her to make other transportation plans which do not involve you at all.
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
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kckgirl

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #17 on: September 23, 2012, 05:32:12 PM »
I think you have been very considerate, and reasonably expected the situation to have resolved itself by now - as it hasn't, in your place, I would go back to Ms. Daisy and let her know you won't be driving her beyond the next two weeks.

I'd explain to her that you had never expected the commitment to last *beyond* several years, and while you've enjoyed her company, you are making personal plans for yourself which will prevent you from being her ride every day.  Rather than have both she and you attempt to manage schedules and plan for when you could drive her, and when she would need other arrangements - you realize it will be much simpler and better all around for her to make other transportation plans which do not involve you at all.

I agree!!!
Maryland

Penguin_ar

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #18 on: September 23, 2012, 05:50:27 PM »
The funny thing is she keeps saying stuff like "this is out of your way and it must be very inconvenient" which makes me wonder if she really feels that way then why is she imposing if she knows it is inconvenient?

Sounds like she may sense you are fed up, or be surprised herself the arrangement lasted that long! So she is giving you an opening to say you want to stop with comments such as the above.  But unless you make it clear you cannot continue, she is not going to make you stop.

TootsNYC

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #19 on: September 23, 2012, 06:02:25 PM »

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P

Here's my advice on these sorts of situations:

Never talk about the negative. It's not about what you DON'T want--it's about what you DO want.

So: "I want the time to myself."
"I need flexibility back"
"I'm planning to use my evenings differently."

gen xer

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #20 on: September 23, 2012, 06:20:45 PM »

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P

Here's my advice on these sorts of situations:

Never talk about the negative. It's not about what you DON'T want--it's about what you DO want.

So: "I want the time to myself."
"I need flexibility back"
"I'm planning to use my evenings differently."

I'm trying to extricate myself....slowly....with that kind of reasoning because you are right - it is nothing personal - just me wanting to reclaim that time.  I'm kicking myself for having painted myself into a corner with her.


MyFamily

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #21 on: September 23, 2012, 06:23:30 PM »
The funny thing is she keeps saying stuff like "this is out of your way and it must be very inconvenient" which makes me wonder if she really feels that way then why is she imposing if she knows it is inconvenient?

What do you say when she says this?  If you don't really say anything or telling her that 'of course it isn't an imposition' than my feeling is that she probably feels that if she was the one giving someone a rides it would be an imposition, so she is saying that to get reassurance from you that it isn't an imposition.  The next time she says this, use it as an opening to discuss the fact that you need to cut back on doing this, using the other examples from above.


"The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones" - Solomon ibn Gabirol

rain

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #22 on: September 23, 2012, 06:23:43 PM »
sometimes - instead of doing thing slowly (like ripping a bandaid off) its better to do it quickly and have it over with
"oh we thank thee lord for the things we need, like the wind and the rain and the apple seed"

JenJay

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #23 on: September 23, 2012, 06:29:39 PM »
Of course you have every right to stop giving her rides without explanation, you've been extremely generous and accomodating thus far! That said, if it was me, I'd feel guilty and have to resort to a little white lie.

I would change my schedule to what worked best for me (whether that's the hours that provide an extra day off or reverting back to the old hours) and then email her something like -

"Hi friend. Effective [date of schedule change] my work hours will be changing. I'm also going to start a new activity outside of work, so I'm afraid I'll be unable to provide you with rides from that point on. I wanted to give you as much notice as possible so that you can make arrangements."

If she asks what you'll be doing you can say you've decided to start a new hobby or something, just keep it vague. Nobody needs to know that your new activity will be enjoying a shorter, more relaxing commute.  ;)

SamiHami

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #24 on: September 23, 2012, 06:44:04 PM »

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P

Here's my advice on these sorts of situations:

Never talk about the negative. It's not about what you DON'T want--it's about what you DO want.

So: "I want the time to myself."
"I need flexibility back"
"I'm planning to use my evenings differently."

I'm trying to extricate myself....slowly....with that kind of reasoning because you are right - it is nothing personal - just me wanting to reclaim that time.  I'm kicking myself for having painted myself into a corner with her.

You haven't painted yourself into a corner. You are simply allowing your kind nature to take control of the situation. You have done a wonderful thing; you have provided this woman a ride for several years, even though it is not your responsibility to do so. Deciding that you are no longer going to do so is does not negate the kindness that you showed to her all those years.

I would simply explain to her that she should start considering other modes of transportation as you will be unable to continue giving her rides after X date. You can do this nicely and mention that you recognize that she's always been a good passenger, etc, but that your current arrangement no longer works for you. The main thing to remember is that there is nothing wrong, bad, or mean about doing this! The other thing to remember is that you do not owe her, or anyone else, an explaination.

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

gen xer

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #25 on: September 23, 2012, 06:52:41 PM »
The funny thing is she keeps saying stuff like "this is out of your way and it must be very inconvenient" which makes me wonder if she really feels that way then why is she imposing if she knows it is inconvenient?

What do you say when she says this?  If you don't really say anything or telling her that 'of course it isn't an imposition' than my feeling is that she probably feels that if she was the one giving someone a rides it would be an imposition, so she is saying that to get reassurance from you that it isn't an imposition.  The next time she says this, use it as an opening to discuss the fact that you need to cut back on doing this, using the other examples from above.

I just grit my teeth and don't say much.  Obviously too subtle I know....but short of saying yeah you really are a nuisance....

You are probably right that she is just trying to get reassurance....and thinking that if she acknowledges the inconvenience it makes it less so.

I am asking her to find other rides home more frequently now ( one small victory for doormats everywhere ).



TootsNYC

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #26 on: September 23, 2012, 07:49:17 PM »
....but short of saying yeah you really are a nuisance....


No, no, no!

You've made the mistake of not speaking up sooner, and seething (a common one--most of us make it, frankly). And now it has BECOME personal, where it didn't need to be.

And, to be honest, where it is NOT personal.

SHE is not a nuisance.

GIVING HER A RIDE HOME is a nuisance.
The commitment is a nuisance.
The arrangement is a nuisance.
SHE is just fine.

So feel free to say, "IT has become a problem for me."

Say it. Own it. There is NOTHING wrong with it.

Just identify it properly. The arrangement is a problem for you.

buvezdevin

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #27 on: September 23, 2012, 08:03:05 PM »
It sounds as though you are uncomfortable with putting a full stop to rides, because that will possibly be read by your passenger as indicating that she has been an unwanted inconvenience all this time.

So you are pushing her to look for other rides more often, rather than making a clean break of a long standing pattern.

While baby birds, and people, may need training flights before being fully pushed out of the nest, it can be confusing to people who may not realize why a standard way of operating isn't working as well, though it still works most of the time.

It may be easier for both you and your passenger if - at some point - you can have a conversation, acknowledge that the shared rides have worked well for years - and since you are making changes to your personal schedule which change your availability, it would be easier for you both if she makes other transportation arrangements going forward.

Otherwise, you're just waiting for a painful penny to drop for her.  It you address it proactively, her needing to find other transport is because your situation has changed (even if that is simply your level of willingness), but "it isn't her."  If you do not address it proactively, she will likely eventually realize it is her, and may have the hurt you are trying to avoid in realizing she has inconvenience you for years, but you didn't want to say so.
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
Mark Twain

Roe

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #28 on: September 23, 2012, 08:07:51 PM »
I totally agree with Toots!

I know it's hard to say it and at times, it feels quite rude, but you must value yourself first and foremost. 

I would have an issue with the commitment.  I just don't want such a huge responsibility on my shoulders.

A couple of years ago, my SIL asked me if I could take my nephew to school and pick him up everyday.  (my kids didn't go to his school)  TBH, yes, I could've done had I wanted to but I just plain didn't want to. (and I love my nephew)

I told her "I can do it for a month until you make other arrangements."  She was a bit put off by it but in the end, I had to value my time and energy before her need for childcare.  Yes, it's selfish but sometimes, it's okay to be so. 

And I'm so glad I didn't have that responsibility on my shoulders for the entire year. I gave her an idea of what I was willing to do (one month) but beyond that, I just didn't want to commit. 

And you know, when you stop being the "go to" person for people, they magically find and/or make other arrangements without any trouble.  Imagine that!  ;)   My SIL was able to make arrangements with her job to go in an hour later and she found a friend's mom who picked him up from school at the same time she picked up her son.  Worked better for everyone.

Good luck and yes, you can do it!  Just tell her "this isn't working for me.  You'll have to make other arrangements." If she asks 'why' it isn't working for you, you don't have to explain.  Just say "it just isn't. Please make other arrangements starting the first of the month."  And repeat as necessary. 

ETA: Although you don't need to explain yourself, I'd probably let her know that you had no intention of giving her a ride this long.  That you just need to reclaim your travel time for yourself.  It's not rude to put yourself first.  Really, it isn't.  Took me years to learn that fact but I did and you will too.  :) 
« Last Edit: September 23, 2012, 08:11:02 PM by Roe »

siamesecat2965

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #29 on: September 23, 2012, 08:45:51 PM »
The funny thing is she keeps saying stuff like "this is out of your way and it must be very inconvenient" which makes me wonder if she really feels that way then why is she imposing if she knows it is inconvenient?

Sounds like she may sense you are fed up, or be surprised herself the arrangement lasted that long! So she is giving you an opening to say you want to stop with comments such as the above.  But unless you make it clear you cannot continue, she is not going to make you stop.

My own feeling is she keeps saying that in an effort to make herself feel better.  If you don't say anything in return, she just keeps thinking "well, she still drives me so it can't be THAT inconvenient'  I get this a lot at work. Customers always saying "I know you're closing/closed, but I'm almost done, just have one more thing to try on, just want to look for a top to go with this skirt' And since per corporate, we are not allowed to actually tell customers we are closed, please pay and leave, we can't do much.

If they really felt badly, they'd actually stop what they're doing!