Author Topic: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?  (Read 31713 times)

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Amara

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #30 on: September 23, 2012, 08:54:57 PM »
I am a firm believer in just saying you can no longer do it with no reasons given. OP, I used to be like you and in fact had the same problem. Mine just went on for about ten months rather than years. She wash't far out of my way but she never offered any kind of reimbursement. I grew ever more resentful until one day I finally woke up to the fact that this was killing me. I gently and with that timid voice told her I couldn't do it any more. Even as nervous and scared as I was I didn't offer an excuse or reason. She accepted it without a qualm.

So I urge you to find your inner courage and just do it. Just let her know that from [date] forward you will be unable to provide her a ride at any time. If she asks, just use the old e-Hell phrase, because "it's not possible any more." And that's it. If any co-worker has the nerve to ask you about it tell them they are not part of the situation and you are not going to discuss it. I have no doubt it will be hard for you, but it is not impossible. And once you say it you are going to feel soooooo much better. Truly you are.

kareng57

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #31 on: September 23, 2012, 09:15:26 PM »
I am the first to admit this is of my own making - and that I shouldn't need to explain or have a reason why I can no longer drive her.  I would say the same thing to anyone else who asked. 

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P


Why are you thinking of her in the way you refer in the second paragraph?

She's been reimbursing you for gas money after all, and you've mentioned that she's overall a "good passenger".  Naturally this doesn't give you any sort of obligation to keep driving her.  But I once had a carpooling arrangement, I generously reimbursed the driver for gas/vehicle depreciation - and I'd have been mortified if she'd silently been thinking of me that way.

Overall you do need to get out of this ASAP before your resentment becomes more obvious.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #32 on: September 23, 2012, 11:16:59 PM »
Definitely stop driving her. You've gone above and beyond the call of duty, in doing this for several years(!)

I'd simply tell her that the carpooling is "getting a bit much" for you, and you're planning on trying some new activities after work. (If she's rude enough to ask what these "activities" are, tell her that they're leisure activities).

If she really presses you for a reason, or tries to negotiate a compromise (Eg "But what if we scale back to Mondays and Wednesdays only?") stand your ground. You may need to be blunter with her. You could even say "To be honest, I didn't anticipate this situation to go on for so long."

Fleur

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #33 on: September 24, 2012, 05:32:04 AM »
I am the first to admit this is of my own making - and that I shouldn't need to explain or have a reason why I can no longer drive her.  I would say the same thing to anyone else who asked. 

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P


Why are you thinking of her in the way you refer in the second paragraph?

She's been reimbursing you for gas money after all, and you've mentioned that she's overall a "good passenger".  Naturally this doesn't give you any sort of obligation to keep driving her.  But I once had a carpooling arrangement, I generously reimbursed the driver for gas/vehicle depreciation - and I'd have been mortified if she'd silently been thinking of me that way.

Overall you do need to get out of this ASAP before your resentment becomes more obvious.

I think this post seems a bit blamey to the OP. This woman sounds passive agressive. I actually think she had a bit of a nerve asking such a favour in the first place. I have been carpooled before, but I always was offered, never asked. And it was always for a shorter time, and I gave a gift as well as gas money. The OP has been more than generous, and the woman ought to have made other arrangements ages ago. To to otherwise, as she has done, actually does make her a special snowflake and a pain in the you know where.

Margo

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #34 on: September 24, 2012, 06:10:47 AM »
I don't think that either OP or the other woman are at fault here.
OP, you have no obligation to continue to drive her, and you don't have to give a reason - just 'It's notgoing to be possible in future' - if she presses, then simply reiterating that you have other committments / need greater flexibility is fine, or simply saying "Some of the circumstances have changes, so it just doesn't work for me any more' is nice and vague but doesn't blame her.

Given that it is a long standing arragnmetn, I am with those who suggest giving her a reasonable period of notice - maybe 2-3 weeks. Then be firm.

If it were me, I might  actually do arrange something for the first day (i.e. arrange to meet a friend for coffee after work, book an appointment with the hairdresser or even just plan to go to the supermarket on the way home, so that if you do get asked if you can help out 'just this once' you can stiffen your spine and explain that no, you have a prior committment which you can't cahnge (and no, it won't work if she offers to wait for you. You're going in a different direction / meeti g a 3rd party) I syuggest this not because I think you 'ought' to have a reason, but because it sounds as though it is difficult for you to say 'no', and you may find it easier to stick to if you have in your own mind a clear reason!
I don't think the other woman is a SS (based on what OP has said) - she has been a good passenger, she has perhaps been rather obtuse in relation to the changed hours etc but that may be that she is genuinely trying to be accommodating, not that she is deliberately ignoring hints.

And if any co-workers stick their noses in then I think the suggestion of PPs to turn it around and suggest that they offer is perfect.

Good Luck!

TootsNYC

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #35 on: September 24, 2012, 07:35:49 AM »
Here's another phrase you could try:  "I need a change." "I need a break."

Since she has already been willing to lose an HOUR out of her life in order to cadge a ride home with you, telling her it's all about "your plans" isn't really going to get you what you want.

Just say, "I've decided that I don't want to be your commuting solution anymore. I want my commute to myself from now on. I'll give you a week to find some other way to get to and from work."

Morticia

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #36 on: September 24, 2012, 10:23:55 AM »
Not overstepping at all - back story - she asked me shortly after I started and was always hinting around that she might buy another car....or stop working altogether etc....To be honest I really don't like driving her even thought she is a nice lady and a good passenger.  It's just EVERY STINKIN Day....having to make small talk when I'd rather listen to the radio and an extra 15 minutes added on to my day.  I even tried changing my work hours only to have her say she would change hers to match mine.  I told her I was considering a compressed schedule where I work extra long hours in order to get a day off ( only permanent staff are allowed this not contractors like her ) and she said she would wait around for the extra hour per day.

Good grief.  I know I should just say I can't do it anymore but it would boil down to me having to admit I just don't want to....and she would be very hurt. 

As far as the other coworker....I don't think it was formulate das a complaint but more of a "Can you drive me whenh I need it - faux pas says I need to have other rides available.  At least I hope that's how it was.  I'd be choked if it was a complaint.

Thanks for the comments so far everyone :)

She has been telling you for years that this is temporary, and she is going to get a car or retire? You are fine just to say, " This was supposed to be temporary, you need to make other arrangements." As for the small talk, you are under no obligation to provide that either. "I don't feel like talking this morning/evening. I just want to listen to the radio."
Now our mom says she's changed her mind about the devil's brood, they may be evil so she thinks, but at least they're never rude...
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Brockwest

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #37 on: September 24, 2012, 12:36:41 PM »
"I don't have a car" people have been a challenge for years. Usually one finally ends up having had enough and having to say no, with unhappy reprocussions. It has to be done.
I would advise saying, "After two weeks from now, I'll be having some a personal situation, and will no longer be able to drive you."  I would not discuss what the situation is, I agree with posters that the less information you give, the less able she is to be able to counter-act the new arrangement.
I'm a tad worried about the co-worker.  Is it possible the rider complained to the co-worker, or was the impending situation discussed with the co-worker by the OP?  I LOVE the suggestion to tell the co-worker, "Oh I understand, I'll tell her to expect for you to drive her now." 
It's funny how people don't hesitate to offer someone else's services.

BLECH!  On a side note, I got mooched into giving a friend a ride to the Coast, about a six-hour ride.  I was new to the South so had no idea why he was carring an empty Dixie Cup.  I found out why.  For six hours, he chewed tobacco then spit the most vile, drooly spittal into the cup, which was rather full when we arrived.  I was sort of green when we arrived.

bopper

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #38 on: September 24, 2012, 01:57:07 PM »
Quote
"Hi friend. Effective [date of schedule change] my work hours will be changing. I'm also going to start a new activity outside of work, so ]'m afraid I'll be unable to provide you with rides from that point on. I wanted to give you as much notice as possible so that you can make arrangements."

I agree with this. To keep interoffice relationships as good as can be expected, this would be the nicest way to do that.

Corvid

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #39 on: September 24, 2012, 07:42:47 PM »
Quote
Since then I had another coworker inform me that I had agreed to drive her and I should be making myself available. 

Did you crack up laughing or did you manage to listen to that with a straight face?

gen xer

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #40 on: September 24, 2012, 09:02:29 PM »
"I don't have a car" people have been a challenge for years. Usually one finally ends up having had enough and having to say no, with unhappy reprocussions. It has to be done.
I would advise saying, "After two weeks from now, I'll be having some a personal situation, and will no longer be able to drive you."  I would not discuss what the situation is, I agree with posters that the less information you give, the less able she is to be able to counter-act the new arrangement.
I'm a tad worried about the co-worker.  Is it possible the rider complained to the co-worker, or was the impending situation discussed with the co-worker by the OP?  I LOVE the suggestion to tell the co-worker, "Oh I understand, I'll tell her to expect for you to drive her now." 
It's funny how people don't hesitate to offer someone else's services.

Our office is what you would call "enmeshed" and everyone knows everyone's business.  I mentioned that my rider often comments on the inconvenience of it....but it is often in front of others which lead them to chime in with some variation of "Oh Gen X doesn't mind I'm sure"

I don't mind giving someone the occasional ride home and I don't ask for or accept any gas money.  After all it could be me who has a car in the shop someday and needs a ride. 

I think the resentment really started to build when I realized she had absolutely no intention of ever buying another car or retiring despite what she would say...and that she KNOWS she is imposing....but does it anyway.  For a while I thought I could do it....and then it just gradually became too much.

 



BLECH!  On a side note, I got mooched into giving a friend a ride to the Coast, about a six-hour ride.  I was new to the South so had no idea why he was carring an empty Dixie Cup.  I found out why.  For six hours, he chewed tobacco then spit the most vile, drooly spittal into the cup, which was rather full when we arrived.  I was sort of green when we arrived.

gen xer

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #41 on: September 24, 2012, 09:11:00 PM »
Quote
Since then I had another coworker inform me that I had agreed to drive her and I should be making myself available. 

Did you crack up laughing or did you manage to listen to that with a straight face?

After I choked on my coffee and gawped at her?  I got my fur up and told her that if she chose to go without a car then she would be at my mercy...so to speak.  It was probably a little harsh.

kareng57

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #42 on: September 24, 2012, 09:57:03 PM »
I am the first to admit this is of my own making - and that I shouldn't need to explain or have a reason why I can no longer drive her.  I would say the same thing to anyone else who asked. 

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P


Why are you thinking of her in the way you refer in the second paragraph?

She's been reimbursing you for gas money after all, and you've mentioned that she's overall a "good passenger".  Naturally this doesn't give you any sort of obligation to keep driving her.  But I once had a carpooling arrangement, I generously reimbursed the driver for gas/vehicle depreciation - and I'd have been mortified if she'd silently been thinking of me that way.

Overall you do need to get out of this ASAP before your resentment becomes more obvious.

I think this post seems a bit blamey to the OP. This woman sounds passive agressive. I actually think she had a bit of a nerve asking such a favour in the first place. I have been carpooled before, but I always was offered, never asked. And it was always for a shorter time, and I gave a gift as well as gas money. The OP has been more than generous, and the woman ought to have made other arrangements ages ago. To to otherwise, as she has done, actually does make her a special snowflake and a pain in the you know where.


OP has already acknowledged that most of the blame lies with her, for allowing the situation to continue.  My issue was her calling this woman names (here, I realize it's not to her face) when it's likely that she has no idea that she's done anything to offend OP.

I don't think that it's necessarily rude to ask about a carpooling situation.  Some time ago I realized that a co-worker lived fairly near me, and I said to her "let me know if you're ever interested in having a paying passenger".  (I'd have driven the short distance to her place, not expected her to pick me up).  She said no, it wouldn't work for her, and that was fine.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #43 on: September 24, 2012, 11:10:59 PM »
OP, just wanted to add, that if your co-worker DOES get upset or annoyed at you for cancelling the carpooling arrangements, don't feel bad. You're not doing anything wrong or mean or unfriendly, no matter what her and any other co-workers say.

From your updates, I also tend to believe that your co-worker knew (to some degree) that she was imposing on you, but kept taking advantage of your accommodating nature anyway.

still in va

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #44 on: September 24, 2012, 11:20:37 PM »
I am the first to admit this is of my own making - and that I shouldn't need to explain or have a reason why I can no longer drive her.  I would say the same thing to anyone else who asked. 

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P


Why are you thinking of her in the way you refer in the second paragraph?

She's been reimbursing you for gas money after all, and you've mentioned that she's overall a "good passenger".  Naturally this doesn't give you any sort of obligation to keep driving her.  But I once had a carpooling arrangement, I generously reimbursed the driver for gas/vehicle depreciation - and I'd have been mortified if she'd silently been thinking of me that way.

Overall you do need to get out of this ASAP before your resentment becomes more obvious.

I think this post seems a bit blamey to the OP. This woman sounds passive agressive. I actually think she had a bit of a nerve asking such a favour in the first place. I have been carpooled before, but I always was offered, never asked. And it was always for a shorter time, and I gave a gift as well as gas money. The OP has been more than generous, and the woman ought to have made other arrangements ages ago. To to otherwise, as she has done, actually does make her a special snowflake and a pain in the you know where.


OP has already acknowledged that most of the blame lies with her, for allowing the situation to continue.  My issue was her calling this woman names (here, I realize it's not to her face) when it's likely that she has no idea that she's done anything to offend OP.

I don't think that it's necessarily rude to ask about a carpooling situation.  Some time ago I realized that a co-worker lived fairly near me, and I said to her "let me know if you're ever interested in having a paying passenger".  (I'd have driven the short distance to her place, not expected her to pick me up).  She said no, it wouldn't work for her, and that was fine.

yes, i can understand what you're saying.  the OP took her co-worker at her word that her carpooling request would actually be temporary, as the co-worker originally stated.  then the co-worker has continued to state that she knows it's not convenient for the OP to continue to drive her to and from work. 

frankly, in my world, temporary isn't 3 years.  the OP didn't say anything because she thought that her co-worker wouldn't get a new contract, and she'd be done with her chauffeur duties.  that is not, unfortunately, the case.  now the co-worker has a new contract, and apparently assumes that our OP will continue to offer door to door chauffeur service.  when does it stop?  when this lady retires?