Author Topic: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?  (Read 30818 times)

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Fleur

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #45 on: September 25, 2012, 09:38:02 AM »
I am the first to admit this is of my own making - and that I shouldn't need to explain or have a reason why I can no longer drive her.  I would say the same thing to anyone else who asked. 

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P


Why are you thinking of her in the way you refer in the second paragraph?

She's been reimbursing you for gas money after all, and you've mentioned that she's overall a "good passenger".  Naturally this doesn't give you any sort of obligation to keep driving her.  But I once had a carpooling arrangement, I generously reimbursed the driver for gas/vehicle depreciation - and I'd have been mortified if she'd silently been thinking of me that way.

Overall you do need to get out of this ASAP before your resentment becomes more obvious.

I think this post seems a bit blamey to the OP. This woman sounds passive agressive. I actually think she had a bit of a nerve asking such a favour in the first place. I have been carpooled before, but I always was offered, never asked. And it was always for a shorter time, and I gave a gift as well as gas money. The OP has been more than generous, and the woman ought to have made other arrangements ages ago. To to otherwise, as she has done, actually does make her a special snowflake and a pain in the you know where.


OP has already acknowledged that most of the blame lies with her, for allowing the situation to continue.  My issue was her calling this woman names (here, I realize it's not to her face) when it's likely that she has no idea that she's done anything to offend OP.

I don't think that it's necessarily rude to ask about a carpooling situation.  Some time ago I realized that a co-worker lived fairly near me, and I said to her "let me know if you're ever interested in having a paying passenger".  (I'd have driven the short distance to her place, not expected her to pick me up).  She said no, it wouldn't work for her, and that was fine.

yes, i can understand what you're saying.  the OP took her co-worker at her word that her carpooling request would actually be temporary, as the co-worker originally stated.  then the co-worker has continued to state that she knows it's not convenient for the OP to continue to drive her to and from work. 

frankly, in my world, temporary isn't 3 years.  the OP didn't say anything because she thought that her co-worker wouldn't get a new contract, and she'd be done with her chauffeur duties.  that is not, unfortunately, the case.  now the co-worker has a new contract, and apparently assumes that our OP will continue to offer door to door chauffeur service.  when does it stop?  when this lady retires?

The bolded is precisely my point. I really find this woman exceptionally rude, actually, and I disagree with the OP that it is any way the OP's fault. It really sounds as if the woman is taking advantage of OP's good nature in not confronting her. Three years certainly is not temporary, and the arrangement should have been assumed to come to an end a long while ago.

bopper

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #46 on: September 25, 2012, 03:19:14 PM »
Quote
Since then I had another coworker inform me that I had agreed to drive her and I should be making myself available. 

Did you crack up laughing or did you manage to listen to that with a straight face?

After I choked on my coffee and gawped at her?  I got my fur up and told her that if she chose to go without a car then she would be at my mercy...so to speak.  It was probably a little harsh.

If the coworker says anything further say "Awesome! I will tell RiderCoworker that you are interested in helping her with her transportation."

or you could tell RiderCoworker that the other coworker is  very interested in making sure she maintains a ride to work so she should contact other coworker.   ;D

still in va

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #47 on: September 25, 2012, 03:27:19 PM »
Quote
Since then I had another coworker inform me that I had agreed to drive her and I should be making myself available. 

Did you crack up laughing or did you manage to listen to that with a straight face?

After I choked on my coffee and gawped at her?  I got my fur up and told her that if she chose to go without a car then she would be at my mercy...so to speak.  It was probably a little harsh.

If the coworker says anything further say "Awesome! I will tell RiderCoworker that you are interested in helping her with her transportation."

or you could tell RiderCoworker that the other coworker is  very interested in making sure she maintains a ride to work so she should contact other coworker.   ;D

bopper, you're evil!  i LIKE that in a person!!!!!!  ;D

gen xer

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #48 on: September 25, 2012, 03:58:10 PM »
 I am not offended by this lady as Kareng has suggested....but I do find this an example of putting someone on the spot...which as far as I'm concerned is an etiquette sin.  It makes people feel the burden of saying yes when they would rather say no.

Let's face it...saying no is hard for many people to do.  It is for me.  I know that is my problem...and I have to learn to say it without feeling guilty about it but I feel that there are many people out there who deliberately take advantage of that.

My issue is that people should think about what they are asking someone to do.  We all have to ask for favours now and again...myself included...but I would never impose on someone like this....and then to acknowledge that it is inconvenient but continue to do so with no intention of stopping!

Update....I have decided I will take up going to the gym after work.  It is free...it is good for me....and it will force her to find other alternatives.

Donovan

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #49 on: September 25, 2012, 04:06:04 PM »
I think you should just tell her you can no longer be her ride.  No reasons why (gym, classes, errands) because that opens you up to her asking if you aren't going to the (gym, classes, errands) that night can you give her a ride.

Roe

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #50 on: September 25, 2012, 04:31:32 PM »
She may decide to join the gym too.  After all, it's free, good for her and her ride is there too.

TootsNYC

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #51 on: September 25, 2012, 04:44:03 PM »
and hey, she'll just wait around for an hour. That's what she did before.

If she does, then just say, "You know, I want a break. I'm tired of being your ride. Sorry."

And walk away. Use your indignation to your advantage--because you ARE right--she IS imposing and she DOES know it.

gramma dishes

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #52 on: September 25, 2012, 04:46:13 PM »
She may decide to join the gym too.  After all, it's free, good for her and her ride is there too.

LOL!  That was my own immediate thought!

OP, I think you may just be better off telling her that  you're sorry but you just simply absolutely, positively won't be able to continue to give her a ride after such-and-such a date.  (I think it's fair to give her two weeks to find another means of transportation.)

Then make sure that at least for a few days, you have other pressing things to do which you cannot do with another person.  Doctor appointment (GYN) for that yearly checkup?  Hot date? A talk with your banker/lawyer/clergy person?  Visiting a friend in a hospital? 

Don't tell her any of this.  (She'll just claim she doesn't mind waiting in the waiting room of the doctor's office, etc.)  It's none of her business.  But at least you'll feel less guilty if you really DO have somewhere else to go or someone else to see.  Have definite, specific plans in your head even if they're just "I'm going home and sit in a warm bubble bath for two hours."

Kaypeep

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #53 on: September 25, 2012, 04:50:10 PM »
You are totally fine with asking her to stop.  What started out as a favor has turned into an obligation, that's the bottom line.  As you said, when she first asked she mentioned getting her own car or changing her work schedule, so there was an implicit agreement that the favor would be temporary.  That has obviously changed and you don't wish to be obligated any further.   It's wonderful that she has paid for gas and been prompt, that has probably what has led to this favor continuing for far longer than originally intended.  She's a great carpool buddy so she should have no problem finding another person to carpool with then. But you just simply don't wish to carpool anymore and want the freedom of being a solo commuter again.  Good for you.

I worked with a woman like this.  She didn't drive and carpooled with 2 others on a regular basis. She was always on time, bought the driver breakfast, etc. and would alter her schedule to suit the driver. She thought she was the most considerate person and prided herself on being a great carpooler.  However, driver1 always confided in me how she dreaded the obligation, that she still lost at least 1/2 an hour a day going out of her way to go home (weird traffic pattern on the PM commute) but she didn't know how to say no.  So you are not alone, OP, in feeling as you do.  It's hard to turn people down when they aren't 'behaving badly".  It really is hard to stand up for yourself so I wish you luck in doing this and getting your commute back!

JenJay

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #54 on: September 25, 2012, 04:53:17 PM »
I agree with those warning you not to tell her you're joining a gym. Just say "I will no longer be available to give you rides." and if she really pushes for a reason, "It's personal."

LazyDaisy

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #55 on: September 25, 2012, 05:36:12 PM »
I agree that you don't owe her any explanation but I'm not entirely a fan of no information though -- we see all the time how people jump to their own conclusions to fill a void of information and it's usually wildly inaccurate. Even something as innocuous as "personal reasons"  turns quickly into workplace gossip and bad feelings all around. I love Kaypeep's wording because it's honest and can't really be argued with but doesn't insult the coworker. The only thing I would change is I would mix up the order a bit to make it a "sandwich" (compliment, bad news, compliment).

Coworker: But why can't we carpool anymore?
Gen Xer: "It's wonderful that you have paid for gas and been prompt, that is probably what has led to this favor continuing for far longer than I originally intended. I just simply don't wish to carpool with anyone anymore and want the freedom of being a solo commuter again. You've been a considerate carpool buddy so you should have no problem finding another person to carpool with."
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." Douglas Adams

TootsNYC

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #56 on: September 25, 2012, 05:42:40 PM »
Just keep saying, "I need my commute back." "I need my commute back."

LeveeWoman

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #57 on: September 25, 2012, 05:55:13 PM »
Don't JADE.

Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

Doing any of those things gives her a chance to find reasons why it'd be possible for her to continue rely on you for rides.

"No" is a complete sentence. You can soften it as you wish but, please don't JADE.

Cleargleam

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #58 on: September 25, 2012, 05:58:40 PM »
One factor in driving a carpool is the driver never gets to run late, or leave a few minutes early. I would just leave it at you needing some spontaneity in your schedule.

Amara

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #59 on: September 25, 2012, 07:57:47 PM »
OP, if you want to do the gym after work go for it. But I strongly advise you not to use it as the excuse you give her for not giving her a ride home. Given what she has said about being willing to wait around for an hour if you change your work hours she will likely say, "Hey, I'll join you" or "Can you just drop me off before you go there?" By thinking up excuses, even if they are real, you are not saying no to her. You are just giving her a reason for her to argue with you--and win.

Really, the phrase "it's just not possible" is your only good option if you want this to end. That and nothing else.