Author Topic: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?  (Read 30597 times)

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gen xer

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #60 on: September 25, 2012, 08:43:33 PM »
OP, if you want to do the gym after work go for it. But I strongly advise you not to use it as the excuse you give her for not giving her a ride home. Given what she has said about being willing to wait around for an hour if you change your work hours she will likely say, "Hey, I'll join you" or "Can you just drop me off before you go there?" By thinking up excuses, even if they are real, you are not saying no to her. You are just giving her a reason for her to argue with you--and win.

Really, the phrase "it's just not possible" is your only good option if you want this to end. That and nothing else.

I am going to take that advice...especially since  several posters have said the same thing and it is a good point.  I am still going to go to the gym....but I will not make it my excuse.

I know I shouldn't have to make an excuse...but why do we always feel compelled to do it?  The JADE - ing as another poster mentioned.  I find I really have to force myself to not do it....to shut up and quit while I'm ahead.

still in va

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #61 on: September 25, 2012, 08:55:17 PM »
gen xer, i don't usually believe in JADEing either.  but i do have to wonder, in this case, if a small explanation might not help?  such as "CW, when i started driving you three years ago, it was supposed to be temporary, until you bought a new car.  it has since become permanent, and that's not working for me anymore.  in addition, as you have said yourself, it's inconvenient for me.  i am adding 2.5 hours per week to my own commute to accommodate you.  i can't do that anymore."

neither of these points are something that she can argue with.  they are facts.  and the inconvenience factor is one that she has brought up herself.  those points would also be helpful to give to the interferring person at your job who seems to think that since you've been giving a ride to this person for three years that you must continue until she no longer works there.


doodlemor

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #62 on: September 25, 2012, 10:13:48 PM »
gen xer, i don't usually believe in JADEing either.  but i do have to wonder, in this case, if a small explanation might not help?  such as "CW, when i started driving you three years ago, it was supposed to be temporary, until you bought a new car.  it has since become permanent, and that's not working for me anymore.  in addition, as you have said yourself, it's inconvenient for me.  i am adding 2.5 hours per week to my own commute to accommodate you.  i can't do that anymore."

neither of these points are something that she can argue with.  they are facts.  and the inconvenience factor is one that she has brought up herself.  those points would also be helpful to give to the interferring person at your job who seems to think that since you've been giving a ride to this person for three years that you must continue until she no longer works there.

Clever advice!  When you add up the time to a week it is a lot, and shows how inconvenienced you are.

TootsNYC

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #63 on: September 25, 2012, 11:06:59 PM »
also, feel free tos ay, "I just dont' want to anymore."

Soften the blow by sounding really regretful.

(someone here once told about a character--Phoebe?--on "Friends" or another show who would say, "Oh, gee, I wish I could, but I don't want to." in a regretful tone of voice. And she moved right on, so it took you a bit to realize what she'd said. But it was true, and hard to argue with!)

TheaterDiva1

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #64 on: September 26, 2012, 12:34:41 PM »
My guess is this woman brings up the inconvenience factor just to alleviate her guilt.  She expects OP to just say "Oh, it's no problem at all - don't worry about it" and all is well.  WRONG!

And OP, I must ask - what does she do when you're sick/on vacation/whatever?  Can she go back to exploring those options?

GraceSullivan

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #65 on: September 26, 2012, 09:39:30 PM »
OP, I'd be curious if there's an update?

Miss Unleaded

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #66 on: September 27, 2012, 04:08:26 AM »
gen xer, i don't usually believe in JADEing either.  but i do have to wonder, in this case, if a small explanation might not help?  such as "CW, when i started driving you three years ago, it was supposed to be temporary, until you bought a new car.  it has since become permanent, and that's not working for me anymore.  in addition, as you have said yourself, it's inconvenient for me.  i am adding 2.5 hours per week to my own commute to accommodate you.  i can't do that anymore."

neither of these points are something that she can argue with.  they are facts.  and the inconvenience factor is one that she has brought up herself.  those points would also be helpful to give to the interferring person at your job who seems to think that since you've been giving a ride to this person for three years that you must continue until she no longer works there.

I would strongly advise doing this.  Don't make excuses, just be honest.  She can't negotiate or argue with it.

Good luck.  I know it's hard but you will feel so much better afterwards.

AustenFan

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #67 on: September 27, 2012, 04:59:32 AM »
(someone here once told about a character--Phoebe?--on "Friends" or another show who would say, "Oh, gee, I wish I could, but I don't want to." in a regretful tone of voice. And she moved right on, so it took you a bit to realize what she'd said. But it was true, and hard to argue with!)

Ha! That was Phoebe, when the guys asked her if she wanted to go to Ross' house and help put together Ikea style furniture.

Raintree

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #68 on: September 28, 2012, 02:53:57 AM »
15 minutes is significant. Is that EACH way? In the morning, I'd rather have that 15 minutes of extra sleep, and I do NOT want to talk to anyone in the morning. In the evening, I just want to get home, get dinner, and put my feet up ASAP and I do not want to talk to anyone other than family (or others of my own choosing). Sounds massively inconvenient to me.

So true, how DOES she get to work when you are sick or on vacation? Is there no public transportation? Surely you are not the difference between her being able to get to work or not.

I have difficulty saying no too, especially once a pattern has been established. I'd be full of excuses. Lots of great suggestions here, but I like the idea of the sandwich technique. with a little white lie as the filling: "You're a great passenger, very considerate, but it won't be possible for me to carpool with you anymore. My situation has changed and I won't always be going straight home after work. I really don't want anyone relying on me for a ride. You are a great passenger though, so I am sure you'll be able to find other arrangements."

The only problem I foresee is if she asks to continue in the mornings only. In which case you can say it's no longer working for you; you are unable to leave early to collect her, your family needs you, etc etc etc.  But I agree, don't use the gym as your excuse or you'll find you have yourself a new "workout partner." (Wasn't there another thread a while back about someone who wanted to work out alone at the gym after work to unwind, and a coworker declared herself as a workout partner and followed her there every day?)

Roe

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #69 on: September 28, 2012, 09:28:47 AM »
Any updates, OP?

If not, just remember, it's not rude to say "this no longer works for me."  Practice it.  Say it again and again until it just rolls off your tongue.  Good luck!

gen xer

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #70 on: September 29, 2012, 01:43:24 PM »
My guess is this woman brings up the inconvenience factor just to alleviate her guilt.  She expects OP to just say "Oh, it's no problem at all - don't worry about it" and all is well.  WRONG!

And OP, I must ask - what does she do when you're sick/on vacation/whatever?  Can she go back to exploring those options?

Yes!!!  That is EXACTLY how it goes down....and I do a slow burn because I am so angry with myself.  She always manages to beg a ride with someone else whenever vacation / sick has come up so I guess when I finally muster up the cojones to tell her she needs another alternative that is what she will have to do.

I find it funny that she will beg a ride off others on those occasions but under NO circumstance will she consider taking her van into work and leaving her retired husband without a vehicle for the day...even if it is just once in a while. 

kckgirl

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #71 on: September 29, 2012, 01:46:50 PM »
I find it funny that she will beg a ride off others on those occasions but under NO circumstance will she consider taking her van into work and leaving her retired husband without a vehicle for the day...even if it is just once in a while.

OK, I thought she had no car. She has one that she doesn't want to use? Let her retired husband drive her to work!
Maryland

LeveeWoman

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #72 on: September 29, 2012, 02:44:08 PM »
I find it funny that she will beg a ride off others on those occasions but under NO circumstance will she consider taking her van into work and leaving her retired husband without a vehicle for the day...even if it is just once in a while.

OK, I thought she had no car. She has one that she doesn't want to use? Let her retired husband drive her to work!

DITTO!

Amara

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #73 on: September 29, 2012, 05:59:55 PM »
Excuse me; she has a car? How long has she had it? Man, that just makes this whole bad situation much worse. She's getting free rides from you while she lets her car sit at home? I'd say, given this new information, that  you should talk to her first thing Monday morning and tell her, using whatever words you want, that the ride sharing comes to an end today. No exceptions. You'll give her a lift home that day but after that? No. Just no.

BarensMom

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #74 on: September 29, 2012, 06:29:10 PM »
Excuse me; she has a car? How long has she had it? Man, that just makes this whole bad situation much worse. She's getting free rides from you while she lets her car sit at home? I'd say, given this new information, that  you should talk to her first thing Monday morning and tell her, using whatever words you want, that the ride sharing comes to an end today. No exceptions. You'll give her a lift home that day but after that? No. Just no.

Why wait until Monday?  Call her now and tell her it will no longer be possible.  It's not as though you're leaving her without a way to get to work.  Let her husband get his **** out of bed and drive her there.

I bet what was happening was that they were getting a break on their insurance for not factoring in her commute, as well as saving on wear/tear and gasoline.  What she was giving you probably didn't take all that into account on your end.

Wash your hands of this ASAP.  You'll feel much better for the spinal exercise.