Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?

[Amara]

Why wait until Monday?  Call her now and tell her it will no longer be possible.  It's not as though you're leaving her without a way to get to work.  Let her husband get his **** out of bed and drive her there.

I'm changing my mind to agree with BarensMom. Tell her today and let yourself fly free!


ETA: Or--Evil Amara, you are so bad!--stop by like usual on Monday morning, making sure all your doors are locked and your windows rolled up except for a crack on your window--and pull up to her and say, "CW, I am no longer going to drive you. Beginning this morning you must drive yourself in your car. Or have your husband drop you off. Whatever you prefer." Then drive off without waiting for a reply. (But do try to restrain your gleeful laughter until you get to the end of the block.)

[buvezdevin]

I can actually think of a lot of reasons why the ride-cadger and her husband might prefer to not have him drop her off and pick her up, or have him without a vehicle - and absolutely none of those possible reasons is the OP's problem or choice.

OP, I am hoping you will be telling your previous passenger ASAP that you are choosing to no longer carpool at all.

You really do not owe any explanation, and there is no need for you to suffer an undesired passenger who just *chooses* not to make use of her existing commute options other than imposing on others.

[Winterlight]

I find it funny that she will beg a ride off others on those occasions but under NO circumstance will she consider taking her van into work and leaving her retired husband without a vehicle for the day...even if it is just once in a while.

So, she doesn't want to buy a second car.

I weep for her. /sarcasm

Cut off her free ride. She had transportation, she just doesn't want to use it.

[LifeOnPluto]

Upon reading the latest update, my thought was "What the heck?! She had a car all along."

OP, definitely cut her off. Now.

[Raintree]

I'm not so sure I'm ready to condemn the passenger just yet. She found a car-pooling arrangement which worked for her, because it meant her husband could have the van during the day, and she compensated the OP with gas money. Since the OP didn't state that the arrangement wasn't working for her, she could only assume it was win-win all around (OP gets help with gas money which she would have had to pay for alone, coworker gets ride to work without having to pull the van into action).

She did say, "Oh it must be inconvenient for you" thereby checking with the OP to see if she was SURE it was OK. The OP seemed not to mind at all. So she continued with the rides, assuming that all was well and the OP was happy not to have to shoulder the gas burden alone.

However, since the OP had secretly been looking forward to this woman's contract ending, and that didn't happen, it's definitely time to put a stop to the rides (personally, I would loathe going 15 minutes out of my way every day, and I would loathe having to chat in the car too). But I'm not so ready to say the coworker has done anything wrong, since she didn't know the OP's feelings on the matter.

How she reacts to being told her rides are ending will be the true test of her character.

[Ceallach]

It's hard to blame somebody for finding an arrangement that's convenient and cost effective for them.   The lady hasn't really done anything rude, after all, she does have an arrangement with the OP.   She didn't force her into anything, and whatever her reasons are, they're not really relevant.

However, I'm with those who advocate terminating said arrangement ASAP.   The OP has been way too generous  in maintaining an arrangement that doesn't suit her for so long!   The original obligation and agreement was fulfilled a long time ago.  It's something I personally would never have agreed to in the first place, and can't imagine doing for 3 whole years.  The second it became an imposition I would have ended the arrangement.  There is no obligation to be a taxi service for your coworkers.

[still in va]

i don't fault the CW for not stopping a situation that was advantageous to her.  gen xer kept her irritation to herself.

where i might fault the CW is to go to another co-worker to complain that gen xer planned to stop the arrangement.  unless the co-worker who told gen xer that she is now required to continue driving CW since she started it has a history of sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong, i have a feeling that CW didn't state the facts in a way that puts gen xer in a very good light.

CW's proper response should be to thank gen xer for three years of saving her money for insurance and wear and tear on a car she didn't have to buy, and for saving her husband the time he didn't have to spend driving his wife to and from work.  and to be proactive in immediately finding another way to and from work.

[Sophia]

Wait, I just read the recent update where you mentioned she had a van that she leaves home for her retired husband.  You might have mentioned that before, and it didn't filter in.

Cut her totally off! Yesterday!  She has transportation to work, she just refuses to use it. 

[whatsanenigma]

I am going to take that advice...especially since  several posters have said the same thing and it is a good point.  I am still going to go to the gym....but I will not make it my excuse.

I know I shouldn't have to make an excuse...but why do we always feel compelled to do it?  The JADE - ing as another poster mentioned.  I find I really have to force myself to not do it....to shut up and quit while I'm ahead.

I think the reason we feel compelled to make an excuse might be that we don't want to insult the other person.  If we just say we can't do the thing, they might fill in the blank with "because I hate you/you have really bad BO/I want you to lose your job/I'm sleeping with your husband/whatever".  If we have something non-personal to fill in the blank with, then they can't take it personally and get upset at you.  And it isn't because you really do wish ill will on her...you just want to free yourself from the obligation.  So it seems like a plausible excuse is necessary to say, to be polite, to make the other person not assume that it is because you are a jerk and hate them for no reason, or that they are the ones who are the jerk and that their self esteem suffers.

But, I think we need to learn to detach ourselves from feeling this obligation so strongly, and realize that if people read things into it that you didn't say or mean, they need to take ownership of that problem themselves, and as some other poster has said (probably more than one but I forget!) "They'll either get over it or die mad".

It all gets back to the basic point, I think, that being polite does not equal being a doormat.

And with your recent update? I still think you should give her a few days notice but as it seems she has a way to get to work and is just not using it, I wouldn't prolong it very much.

[whatsanenigma]

However, since the OP had secretly been looking forward to this woman's contract ending, and that didn't happen, it's definitely time to put a stop to the rides (personally, I would loathe going 15 minutes out of my way every day, and I would loathe having to chat in the car too). But I'm not so ready to say the coworker has done anything wrong, since she didn't know the OP's feelings on the matter.

How she reacts to being told her rides are ending will be the true test of her character.

Yes.  I agree with this a lot.

[Giggity]

I know I shouldn't have to make an excuse...but why do we always feel compelled to do it?

I don't ever feel compelled to, so I got nothin. Sorry!

[buvezdevin]

I know I shouldn't have to make an excuse...but why do we always feel compelled to do it?

I don't ever feel compelled to, so I got nothin. Sorry!

I am with Hotdish on this point, but I want to acknowledge that, at least in my case, that is due to having felt compelled in my younger years to "be accommodating" and then eventually realizing that accommodation, appreciation etc need to be mutual to weave a social fabric. 

I have since become *more* appreciative of efforts from others on my behalf, and I will even *more* gladly extend myself for friends or particular needs. 

But, I am now fine with politely shutting down others who have expectations of me which would be an inconvenience to me, if the sole reason for inconveniencing me is that another person just doesn't care to pursue other options which would not inconvenience me.

[Roe]

I know I shouldn't have to make an excuse...but why do we always feel compelled to do it?

I don't ever feel compelled to, so I got nothin. Sorry!

I used to feel compelled to do it.  It took much practice (in the mirror) and much support from eHell to be able to just say "no."  Nothing else.  Now, it's quite easy.  And I don't hesitate to use it when needed.

[BarensMom]

OP, update please? 

[LazyDaisy]

i don't fault the CW for not stopping a situation that was advantageous to her.  gen xer kept her irritation to herself.

where i might fault the CW is to go to another co-worker to complain that gen xer planned to stop the arrangement.  unless the co-worker who told gen xer that she is now required to continue driving CW since she started it has a history of sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong, i have a feeling that CW didn't state the facts in a way that puts gen xer in a very good light.

CW's proper response should be to thank gen xer for three years of saving her money for insurance and wear and tear on a car she didn't have to buy, and for saving her husband the time he didn't have to spend driving his wife to and from work.  and to be proactive in immediately finding another way to and from work.

There isn't any evidence that Carpooler said anything bad about gen xer. SuspiciousDaisy thinks nosy coworker is one of those people that Carpooler begs rides from on days gen xer hasn't been available; and since she doesn't want to do it either, but doesn't have a shiny spine to say no, she is insisting that gen xer "makes herself available" as a self-preservation move. As Evil Daisy once told a friend while camping -- "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you" (joking...sorta)