Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?

[TootsNYC]

you know, maybe the OP is the one who mentioned to her colleague that she wants to change the commuting status quo! Gen Xer didn't say.

[still in va]

i don't fault the CW for not stopping a situation that was advantageous to her.  gen xer kept her irritation to herself.

where i might fault the CW is to go to another co-worker to complain that gen xer planned to stop the arrangement.  unless the co-worker who told gen xer that she is now required to continue driving CW since she started it has a history of sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong, i have a feeling that CW didn't state the facts in a way that puts gen xer in a very good light.

CW's proper response should be to thank gen xer for three years of saving her money for insurance and wear and tear on a car she didn't have to buy, and for saving her husband the time he didn't have to spend driving his wife to and from work.  and to be proactive in immediately finding another way to and from work.

There isn't any evidence that Carpooler said anything bad about gen xer. SuspiciousDaisy thinks nosy coworker is one of those people that Carpooler begs rides from on days gen xer hasn't been available; and since she doesn't want to do it either, but doesn't have a shiny spine to say no, she is insisting that gen xer "makes herself available" as a self-preservation move. As Evil Daisy once told a friend while camping -- "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you" (joking...sorta)

you know, that's a really interesting angle that hadn't occurred to me!  i can actually picture the conversation and thought process now that you've put it out there.  something along the lines of CW saying "gen xer has decided to no longer drive me to and from work", nosy co-worker hears that, thinks "holy crud monkees, she's gonna want ME to be her permanent ride now!", and goes to talk to gen xer.

[gen xer]

OP, update please?

She's been off for a few days "between contracts" so I am working up my nerve.  Next week will be the "spine test" whether I choke or swallow that lump in my throat and give her the news.  I will of course give her 2 or even three weeks to find another ride.

[Roe]

OP, update please?

She's been off for a few days "between contracts" so I am working up my nerve.  Next week will be the "spine test" whether I choke or swallow that lump in my throat and give her the news.  I will of course give her 2 or even three weeks to find another ride.

She has another ride...her husband. For that reason, anything over a week's notice is overkill.  Good luck!  It's hard but you can do this!

[BarensMom]

OP, update please?

She's been off for a few days "between contracts" so I am working up my nerve.  Next week will be the "spine test" whether I choke or swallow that lump in my throat and give her the news.  I will of course give her 2 or even three weeks to find another ride.

You're too nice and this has gone on for too long.  Call her now and tell her.  Her husband is retired and, since she leaves the van for him, is obviously able to drive her to work, so let him.

I'll drag out this story once again.  Year ago, I had a coworker who rode with me - supposedly until she bought a car.  She paid me $20/month at first, but then the excuses started.  Then she wanted to run errands after work with me driving, including a full grocery-shop so "her boys could eat."  I started to get disgusted with her when she started saying things about how she was glad she didn't have a car because she didn't have to make payments, pay insurance, fill it up with gas, or pay for maintenance.  She said this to my face as I was hauling her deadbeat butt around Richmond.   I was trying to be "nice" and not make waves with a coworker, so I kept quiet. 

My final straw came, when after helping her with her post-work grocery shopping for 2-3 hours, I pulled up to her house.  In the driveway was her teenage-age son's late-model car that apparently he had all along.  I asked her "Why am I driving you, when Son has a car?"  Her response, "Well, I don't want to bother him."   I told her on the spot that I couldn't give her rides anymore.  She wasn't happy, but too bad.

[buvezdevin]

Great example, BarensMom, I do understand one reason the OP might differentiate it from hers - you "quit" immediately on learning your ride-cadger had a readily available option other than you, but OP has known that her ride-cadger has a car/ride available for some time.

OP, it's obviously your choice on timing and how you address your situation.  You may want to think *now* about whether it would be easier *for you* to have the conversation with your rider this week, giving her a few days to plan for a ride other than you (she *has* one, just has chosen to not use it) - and then avoid, or limit the time you have to spend with her in a car, or having the discussion while sharing a ride.

While I would generally not advocate ending a "personal relationship" over the phone, that is not what you would be doing.  You would be advising a co-worker that you are not continuing a carpool, and you know she has other transportation available, just want to give her a few days notice before she starts her new contract so she knows you won't be driving her.

[Amara]

Doing it next week won't make it any easier than doing it this week, OP. In fact, it may be worse because you have more time to think about and dread it. This is a band-aid situation. Rip it off now; it will sting but it will be over fast. In other words, call her and tell her she needs to find her own way to work beginning tomorrow. You'll breathe a lot easier without all that dread hanging over your head.

[SoCalVal]

Doing it next week won't make it any easier than doing it this week, OP. In fact, it may be worse because you have more time to think about and dread it. This is a band-aid situation. Rip it off now; it will sting but it will be over fast. In other words, call her and tell her she needs to find her own way to work beginning tomorrow. You'll breathe a lot easier without all that dread hanging over your head.

Pod.  Giving her 2-3 weeks is going to make it harder for YOU to follow through because it'll give her time to work on you to change your mind or extend the time (she doesn't need 2-3 weeks to make other arrangements since her retired husband has a working vehicle; she and her husband need to figure out their transportation needs NOW -- the longer you give them, as you have found from giving her the PAST FEW YEARS, she will not find a solution if not forced to do so and another few weeks isn't going to make her move at all any faster).  If you're going to do it, contact her now and let her know she needs to make other arrangements.  It's the perfect time for both you and her to cut the cord because she is between contracts.

[still in va]

OP, update please?

She's been off for a few days "between contracts" so I am working up my nerve.  Next week will be the "spine test" whether I choke or swallow that lump in my throat and give her the news.  I will of course give her 2 or even three weeks to find another ride.

it's Tuesday.  from the sound of your post, she's not coming back until Monday.  let her know now that effective immediately, you won't be driving her to work anymore, and she'll have to make her own way to work when she comes back.  she'll have the rest of the week and over the weekend to find and buy a car, or her husband can drive her. 

you are way overthinking this.  she already knows it's coming, you already let her know that.  stop dragging it out.

she doesn't need two or three weeks to find another ride.  she HAS a ride, and has had one all along.  there is a perfectly good vehicle sitting in her driveway for her to drive to work, or to have her husband use to drive her.

[doodlemor]

The PP are all correct, Gen xer.  You might as well just call her and get it over with!  Put a script in front of you to help, if necessary. 

You will feel so incredibly wonderful when all of this is just *done.*

[gramma dishes]

Remember, you do not need to give her a reason.  Just tell her you won't be driving her anymore and she needs to make new arrangements.  That's all the information she needs. 

[still in va]

Remember, you do not need to give her a reason.  Just tell her you won't be driving her anymore and she needs to make new arrangements.  That's all the information she needs.

well, actually, since gen xer has already told the CW that she needs to find another way to work, the information CW needs right now is exactly when gen xer won't be pulling up in front of her house to take her to work in the morning.  this coming Monday sounds about right to me.

[gramma dishes]

Remember, you do not need to give her a reason.  Just tell her you won't be driving her anymore and she needs to make new arrangements.  That's all the information she needs.

well, actually, since gen xer has already told the CW that she needs to find another way to work, the information CW needs right now is exactly when gen xer won't be pulling up in front of her house to take her to work in the morning.  this coming Monday sounds about right to me.

I think I agree!   

[snowdragon]

Remember, you do not need to give her a reason.  Just tell her you won't be driving her anymore and she needs to make new arrangements.  That's all the information she needs.

well, actually, since gen xer has already told the CW that she needs to find another way to work, the information CW needs right now is exactly when gen xer won't be pulling up in front of her house to take her to work in the morning.  this coming Monday sounds about right to me.

I think I agree!   

me too:)

[Ceallach]

OP I think if you want to give her notice there's nothing wrong with that, it's your call.   However I would caution you to be careful about a vague 2-3 weeks or similar.   You need a specific, definite date upfront, otherwise you risk it dragging out.    So decide exactly what you are comfortable with and stick to it from the start.