Author Topic: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?  (Read 32318 times)

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Seraphine1

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #120 on: October 07, 2012, 03:27:52 PM »
Hi Gen Xer!

I saw you were on the board so I was hoping you'd have an update.  I hope your situation has improved and you aren't having to play taxi driver anymore.

Did you speak with her?


gen xer

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #121 on: October 07, 2012, 03:46:45 PM »
Hi Seraphine....

Tuesday ( Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend ) the bomb will be dropped.  I will of course give an update on how it all goes down.

I am dreading it and hope i stand firm  :-X

LeveeWoman

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #122 on: October 07, 2012, 03:59:06 PM »
Hi Seraphine....

Tuesday ( Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend ) the bomb will be dropped.  I will of course give an update on how it all goes down.

I am dreading it and hope i stand firm  :-X

Just don't forget you have us behind you, gen xer.

rain

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #123 on: October 07, 2012, 05:33:46 PM »
(((hugs)))

if you need to write a list/script to help you - go for it (is there someone you can role play with?)
"oh we thank thee lord for the things we need, like the wind and the rain and the apple seed"

Seraphine1

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #124 on: October 07, 2012, 05:51:19 PM »
Hi Seraphine....

Tuesday ( Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend ) the bomb will be dropped.  I will of course give an update on how it all goes down.

I am dreading it and hope i stand firm  :-X

Good luck!  I know it's hard... I've spent several decades reliving situations like this in my mind, wondering how I could have better extricated myself from difficult situations.  I wish I'd had EHell back in 1995!  We're all with you... just remember you've done nothing wrong, and telling her you're going to stop driving her is not a terrible thing. 

Just envision us all standing behind you!

bojo

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #125 on: October 07, 2012, 08:34:26 PM »
I did a little math. An extra 2.5 hrs per week, times three years is 390 hours or 16.35 DAYS you've given up of your life to do this temporary favor for CW.   It's enough already.

Amara

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #126 on: October 09, 2012, 05:25:48 PM »
I'm not sure what time zone you are in, OP, but I am wondering if there is any update. How did you do for yourself?

PastryGoddess

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #127 on: October 09, 2012, 08:11:48 PM »
You can do it!

snowdragon

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #128 on: October 10, 2012, 07:03:09 PM »
How'd it go?

Ceallach

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #129 on: October 11, 2012, 12:14:33 AM »
Oh my goodness, this must be the 10th time this came up in my unread replies and I've thought "Oh there must be an update!" and it was just somebody else posting that there hasn't been an update or that they'd like an update or something along those lines!   So now I am going to be that person for somebody else.

Note to self:  Wait a week before clicking on this thread again!    :D
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


kareng57

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #130 on: October 11, 2012, 12:20:13 AM »
Oh my goodness, this must be the 10th time this came up in my unread replies and I've thought "Oh there must be an update!" and it was just somebody else posting that there hasn't been an update or that they'd like an update or something along those lines!   So now I am going to be that person for somebody else.

Note to self:  Wait a week before clicking on this thread again!    :D


I kind of agree.  I don't subscribe to the email-alerts therefore "bumping for updates"  but I'll admit that I find it kind of annoying when there seems to be new input in a thread (presumably by the OP) and then it only consists of multiple posts of "anything new?"

Of course I am not a moderator, no one cares about what I think.  But it would be nice if there was some way of seeing immediately whether the update was from the OP or from a follower.

katiescarlett

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #131 on: October 11, 2012, 10:02:34 AM »
Oh my goodness, this must be the 10th time this came up in my unread replies and I've thought "Oh there must be an update!" and it was just somebody else posting that there hasn't been an update or that they'd like an update or something along those lines!   So now I am going to be that person for somebody else.

Note to self:  Wait a week before clicking on this thread again!    :D


I kind of agree.  I don't subscribe to the email-alerts therefore "bumping for updates"  but I'll admit that I find it kind of annoying when there seems to be new input in a thread (presumably by the OP) and then it only consists of multiple posts of "anything new?"

Of course I am not a moderator, no one cares about what I think.  But it would be nice if there was some way of seeing immediately whether the update was from the OP or from a follower.

Sorry.  That was me that bumped the thread.  :(

bloo

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #132 on: October 11, 2012, 11:21:22 AM »
I'm not so sure I'm ready to condemn the passenger just yet. She found a car-pooling arrangement which worked for her, because it meant her husband could have the van during the day, and she compensated the OP with gas money. Since the OP didn't state that the arrangement wasn't working for her, she could only assume it was win-win all around (OP gets help with gas money which she would have had to pay for alone, coworker gets ride to work without having to pull the van into action).

She did say, "Oh it must be inconvenient for you" thereby checking with the OP to see if she was SURE it was OK. The OP seemed not to mind at all. So she continued with the rides, assuming that all was well and the OP was happy not to have to shoulder the gas burden alone.

However, since the OP had secretly been looking forward to this woman's contract ending, and that didn't happen, it's definitely time to put a stop to the rides (personally, I would loathe going 15 minutes out of my way every day, and I would loathe having to chat in the car too). But I'm not so ready to say the coworker has done anything wrong, since she didn't know the OP's feelings on the matter.

How she reacts to being told her rides are ending will be the true test of her character.

I'm with this. I've read countless threads on this forum where posters say, "People can ask for whatever they want. You can say 'no'. They should accept your 'no' gracefully."

I don't think the OP's co-worker is being rude. How can she possibly know that this is an imposition if Gen Xr doesn't tell her? People are different. Maybe if the situation was reversed this wouldn't bother Gen Xr's rider at all to do the same favor.

In a different situation we've got these friends, Jack and Jill, that had their in-laws, Hansel and Gretel, move in with their little kid, Cinderella. For a bit of background Jill and Gretel are sisters and Jack and Jill have no children of their own. It was supposed to be temporary but it ended up being a couple of years because Hansel felt strongly about buying a home and nothing they wanted in a certain location was available. They felt comfortable staying with Jack and Jill because 'family helps out'. Jack and Jill felt the same way, but only temporarily, not for YEARS.

Jack and Jill complained to anyone who would listen how much he hated Hansel, Gretel and Cinderella living with them. He started saying things about their personality, ethics, etc. People were starting to develop a dislike for Hansel by listening to Jack's gossip. When Jack and Jill got around to complaining about this situation to my DH, my DH told him, over and over, "talk to Hansel and Gretel. Complaining to other people is useless and will not resolve the situation. You're starting to hate your BIL and he's actually a nice guy. BEFORE they moved in you should have had an agreement in place about rent, utilities, household responsibilities and a timeline for leaving. But you can STILL discuss these things NOW."

Turns out Jack's major complaint was: "Shouldn't Hansel just KNOW that this is a huge imposition? And not ask? And put me on the spot? Because I'd never ask this of someone else."

Uh no, Hansel's family always helped each other out like this and assumed, when Jack and Jill didn't demur, that moving in with no outdate was fine. So it was up to Jack and Jill to communicate their comfort level of helping out, if indeed they were going to help.

The postscript on this story is not that Jack listened to DH and actually communicated, but that another of Jack's relatives, sick of the complaining, approached Hansel and told him that he needed to get out of there and get in their own place, even if it meant (gasp) 'renting'. Hansel and Gretel, along with little Cinderella peaceably moved out, to this day not completely aware of the hatred Jack was developing for them.

As a side note and irrelevant to this thread, Jack and Jill were pissed when they moved out and got their own place, too. So wethinks Jack and Jill just like to whine and moan.

But my point in bringing it up is: Like OP, Jack was under no obligation to say 'yes' to them moving in (no poverty issues) so neither was OP obligated to be the go-to chauffeur for this woman, he was under no obligation to do it for months or years once he agreed to and could've asked them to leave at any time for no reason whatsoever as could OP.

I think Gen Xr, is like a lot of people that think that other people think the way we do. And they don't. Because they're different. OP would never impose on someone like this, but other people actually do these favors and it doesn't bother them so we HAVE to tell people 'no, I can't/won't do that,' instead of doing it and becoming resentful. Having followed other threads where the OP developed a spine of titanium, I've no doubt Gen Xr will shore up her own and handle this quite well.

And I apologize in advance for frustrating anybody since I'm not the OP. Just wanted to add my two cents. :)

siamesecat2965

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #133 on: October 11, 2012, 12:54:51 PM »
I'm with this. I've read countless threads on this forum where posters say, "People can ask for whatever they want. You can say 'no'. They should accept your 'no' gracefully."

I don't think the OP's co-worker is being rude. How can she possibly know that this is an imposition if Gen Xr doesn't tell her? People are different. Maybe if the situation was reversed this wouldn't bother Gen Xr's rider at all to do the same favor.

 I think Gen Xr, is like a lot of people that think that other people think the way we do. And they don't. Because they're different. OP would never impose on someone like this, but other people actually do these favors and it doesn't bother them so we HAVE to tell people 'no, I can't/won't do that,' instead of doing it and becoming resentful. Having followed other threads where the OP developed a spine of titanium, I've no doubt Gen Xr will shore up her own and handle this quite well.

I agree.  I have friends who are quite generous, both with time, money and anything else any of their friends or family asks for.  However, this leads to them sometimes being taken advantage of, although they are pretty good about telling the offenders hey, this has to stop, and when.  They've had many friends, co-workers etc. stay wiht them for varying amounts of time, and only a couple of times have had to say hey, you need to go now.

Me, on the other hand, canno't even fathom, even if i Had the room, letting someone move in for an undefined period of time.  I get twitchy and want my space back after TWO nights of one visitor!

kareng57

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Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
« Reply #134 on: October 11, 2012, 01:06:04 PM »
I'm not so sure I'm ready to condemn the passenger just yet. She found a car-pooling arrangement which worked for her, because it meant her husband could have the van during the day, and she compensated the OP with gas money. Since the OP didn't state that the arrangement wasn't working for her, she could only assume it was win-win all around (OP gets help with gas money which she would have had to pay for alone, coworker gets ride to work without having to pull the van into action).

She did say, "Oh it must be inconvenient for you" thereby checking with the OP to see if she was SURE it was OK. The OP seemed not to mind at all. So she continued with the rides, assuming that all was well and the OP was happy not to have to shoulder the gas burden alone.

However, since the OP had secretly been looking forward to this woman's contract ending, and that didn't happen, it's definitely time to put a stop to the rides (personally, I would loathe going 15 minutes out of my way every day, and I would loathe having to chat in the car too). But I'm not so ready to say the coworker has done anything wrong, since she didn't know the OP's feelings on the matter.

How she reacts to being told her rides are ending will be the true test of her character.

I'm with this. I've read countless threads on this forum where posters say, "People can ask for whatever they want. You can say 'no'. They should accept your 'no' gracefully."

I don't think the OP's co-worker is being rude. How can she possibly know that this is an imposition if Gen Xr doesn't tell her? People are different. Maybe if the situation was reversed this wouldn't bother Gen Xr's rider at all to do the same favor.

In a different situation we've got these friends, Jack and Jill, that had their in-laws, Hansel and Gretel, move in with their little kid, Cinderella. For a bit of background Jill and Gretel are sisters and Jack and Jill have no children of their own. It was supposed to be temporary but it ended up being a couple of years because Hansel felt strongly about buying a home and nothing they wanted in a certain location was available. They felt comfortable staying with Jack and Jill because 'family helps out'. Jack and Jill felt the same way, but only temporarily, not for YEARS.

Jack and Jill complained to anyone who would listen how much he hated Hansel, Gretel and Cinderella living with them. He started saying things about their personality, ethics, etc. People were starting to develop a dislike for Hansel by listening to Jack's gossip. When Jack and Jill got around to complaining about this situation to my DH, my DH told him, over and over, "talk to Hansel and Gretel. Complaining to other people is useless and will not resolve the situation. You're starting to hate your BIL and he's actually a nice guy. BEFORE they moved in you should have had an agreement in place about rent, utilities, household responsibilities and a timeline for leaving. But you can STILL discuss these things NOW."

Turns out Jack's major complaint was: "Shouldn't Hansel just KNOW that this is a huge imposition? And not ask? And put me on the spot? Because I'd never ask this of someone else."

Uh no, Hansel's family always helped each other out like this and assumed, when Jack and Jill didn't demur, that moving in with no outdate was fine. So it was up to Jack and Jill to communicate their comfort level of helping out, if indeed they were going to help.

The postscript on this story is not that Jack listened to DH and actually communicated, but that another of Jack's relatives, sick of the complaining, approached Hansel and told him that he needed to get out of there and get in their own place, even if it meant (gasp) 'renting'. Hansel and Gretel, along with little Cinderella peaceably moved out, to this day not completely aware of the hatred Jack was developing for them.

As a side note and irrelevant to this thread, Jack and Jill were pissed when they moved out and got their own place, too. So wethinks Jack and Jill just like to whine and moan.

But my point in bringing it up is: Like OP, Jack was under no obligation to say 'yes' to them moving in (no poverty issues) so neither was OP obligated to be the go-to chauffeur for this woman, he was under no obligation to do it for months or years once he agreed to and could've asked them to leave at any time for no reason whatsoever as could OP.

I think Gen Xr, is like a lot of people that think that other people think the way we do. And they don't. Because they're different. OP would never impose on someone like this, but other people actually do these favors and it doesn't bother them so we HAVE to tell people 'no, I can't/won't do that,' instead of doing it and becoming resentful. Having followed other threads where the OP developed a spine of titanium, I've no doubt Gen Xr will shore up her own and handle this quite well.

And I apologize in advance for frustrating anybody since I'm not the OP. Just wanted to add my two cents. :)



Sorry, I expressed myself badly.  I was referring to posts saying something like "bumping for updates" rather than other input.

And I agree with you 100% - it's not fair to complain about someone imposing when, as far as "imposer" is aware, the situation is working out just fine.  Hints (such as a change in working hours) don't always work.  Once the situation becomes inconvenient, the host/driver needs to come clean and say so.