Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?

[gen xer]

How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.

That's a really messed-up marriage.

seriously, I can not imagine spending my life with someone who considered my every want - no matter how small- an inconvenience.

I bet he happily relies on her income.

 Sigh....sometimes it was really hard to listen to how she spoon-fed and coddled her husband...and seemed so proud of how nurturing she was.  This was a man who wasn't working....home all day.....and yet she worked full-time, did all the housework, cooked, made him lunch and set out his breakfast bowl and cereal every morning, made his doctor's appointments for him, spoke to the pharmacist on his behalf, RAN HIS BATH!!!!! etc.  Just to clarify...this man is not an invalid or an idiot either.

I know it is not for me to pass judgement about how she manages her domestic life but when it extends out to imposing on others to pick up for you because you choose to live like that...well....I had to bite my tongue.  Hard.  Every day.   

[siamesecat2965]

Yay - good for you, and I think you handled it perfectly.  You didn't go into any long-drawn out, specific reasons why you can't do this anymore, but you simply said, with a vague explanation, it won't work, and you have to find another way.  If it causes her to stop working, that isn't your problem.  Its HER problem to get to and from work.  Not anyone elses and if she really wants to continue, she will find a way.

I posted some months back about a CW who did not have a car, lived within walking distance of work, but would always ask for a ride home. And I didn't think that was right for her to do.  You take a job, knowing you can walk, you walk.  While I wouldn't have any issue giving her a ride home if the weather was nasty, but if you take a job, knowing you don't have transport, its your responsibility to get there and back, and not ask everyone for rides.

[siamesecat2965]

 Sigh....sometimes it was really hard to listen to how she spoon-fed and coddled her husband...and seemed so proud of how nurturing she was.  This was a man who wasn't working....home all day.....and yet she worked full-time, did all the housework, cooked, made him lunch and set out his breakfast bowl and cereal every morning, made his doctor's appointments for him, spoke to the pharmacist on his behalf, RAN HIS BATH!!!!! etc.  Just to clarify...this man is not an invalid or an idiot either.

I know it is not for me to pass judgement about how she manages her domestic life but when it extends out to imposing on others to pick up for you because you choose to live like that...well....I had to bite my tongue.  Hard.  Every day.

Oh wow. I would have bitten mine too. I agree, some people like having a marriage like that, I however, would NEVER coddle my DH (if I had one) like that, but then don't use that as an excuse why you can't drive yourself to work. You made that choice, you can figure things out.

[LeveeWoman]

That would've been the deal-breaker for me. She can martyr herself all she wants but I wouldn't be a party to it.

[Amara]

What an ungrateful person. Three years of rides and all she can do is whine???

So glad you are out of it, OP, and didn't fall for any guilt. She'll find someone else to drive her--people like that always do--but she may also talk negatively about you at work. Watch your back there.

[yokozbornak]

Good job, OP!  I am glad that your coworker's attempt at guilt had the exact opposite response and further strengthened your spine. 

[philliesphan]

Somebody call the wambulance! We got a whiner!

Good job building that spine and using it, OP!

[Roe]

That set my teeth on edge because it was a guilt trip....but she has the means as much as anyone else to buy a car.  She simply didn't want to have to do it.  I told her as much too....my response was a rather aloof "If you really want to keep working you can buy a car...everyone else does."
 

Your response was great!  And you are right, she can get a car.  If she chooses not to, that's on her.  She can walk to work.

Good for you, OP! At least now, it doesn't matter how she gets to work, all that matters is that you are no longer responsible for her!  Woo Hoo!!!!!  Feels good, right? 

[bloo]

Update!!!!   Cuz I know the suspense was killing everyone.....

I wimped out the first two days back to work.  I'll admit it.

But I finally grew a pair overnight and told her that I was unable to accomodate her anymore....that my schedule was becoming more and more unpredictable and having to be responsible for someone else was getting unmanageable.  I know I didn't need to explain...but after so long I felt she deserved something.

So.....I got some awkward silence....and then an "I don't know what I am going to do now.  Maybe I will just have to stop working".

That set my teeth on edge because it was a guilt trip....but she has the means as much as anyone else to buy a car.  She simply didn't want to have to do it.  I told her as much too....my response was a rather aloof "If you really want to keep working you can buy a car...everyone else does."

I have mixed feelings now....she is kind of chilly with me and i do not know how she is getting to and fro....but if the only reason she has ever been nice is because she had to be...then I should have ditched her loooooong ago.   

I was reading another posters comment about how we tend to think everyone should / does think like we do.  Since I would never ask that of someone then I can't fathom how someone else can not see it as an impostion.  It is very true...I was guilty of that.  And yet I still think there is some degree to which people should hold themselves to a "reasonable person" standard.  If she herself acknowledged that it was an inconvenience the she can't possibly come back with "I didn't realize it was such an imposition because you didn't tell me."

Do people have to be hit over the head?  If you ask something of someone THINK about what that means for them...especially a long term favour like this.  I fully acknowledget that I should have been the one to say something a long time ago rather than let my resentment fester like it has....but the very nature of it has "imposition" written all over it.  The extra driving, the time, the inability to make extra stops, constantly having to consider someone else....

Errr.

First of all, well done! Those 'mixed feelings' will go away as the part of your brain that hates telling people 'no' starts to align with the part of your brain that won't let you be taken advantage of. Give yourself time, you did great!

I was the one that mentioned about not knowing how other people think. I like what you said about there being a reasonable standard, but unfortunately that's still pretty broad. I, like you, hate, hate, hate imposing on people. I'm so uncomfortable asking for favors that DH considers to be perfectly normal.

Sometimes, people really don't know they're imposing on you.

Buuuuuut, the litmus test was when you pulled the plug on the rides. Her subsequent behavior makes it clear that she was just taking advantage of you for some weird, bizarre, otherworldly marital dynamic that I can't even begin to comprehend. Guilt trip? Cold shoulder?

There should have been nothing but gratitude that you did this for years. Trust me when I say that saying, 'No' will start to get a LOT easier.

[NyaChan]

I'm starting to wonder if this woman isn't a bit like a great-aunt of mine who knew how to drive, used to drive, but was so terrified of it that she eventually refused to do it anymore.  Her husband may either be sick of it or just uncaring of her fears.  He might also be the sole owner of the car and selfish enough to refuse to share.  Or maybe they are just users, who knows. 

Regardless, her response was out of line and a blatant attempt to guilt you.  It is a ridiculous idea that not having you drive her means she will have to quit her job.  She clearly has found ways in the past to get to work without you, there is public transportation - taxis, buses, even walking, she has a husband who has a car, and there are other people she can ask for help.  It isn't your job to make sure she can get to work - rides backing out on you are one the "costs" of not paying to own a car for your own use.

[HenrysMom]

Congrats on the new steel vertebrae, gen xer.  Podding other PP on watching your back at work - when I rid myself of my ride moocher, she complained up one side and down the other to everyone in my office.  The supervisor finally had to point out in a group meeting that I had the right to decide who rode in my car.

[gen xer]

Update!!!!   Cuz I know the suspense was killing everyone.....

I wimped out the first two days back to work.  I'll admit it.

But I finally grew a pair overnight and told her that I was unable to accomodate her anymore....that my schedule was becoming more and more unpredictable and having to be responsible for someone else was getting unmanageable.  I know I didn't need to explain...but after so long I felt she deserved something.

So.....I got some awkward silence....and then an "I don't know what I am going to do now.  Maybe I will just have to stop working".

That set my teeth on edge because it was a guilt trip....but she has the means as much as anyone else to buy a car.  She simply didn't want to have to do it.  I told her as much too....my response was a rather aloof "If you really want to keep working you can buy a car...everyone else does."

I have mixed feelings now....she is kind of chilly with me and i do not know how she is getting to and fro....but if the only reason she has ever been nice is because she had to be...then I should have ditched her loooooong ago.   

I was reading another posters comment about how we tend to think everyone should / does think like we do.  Since I would never ask that of someone then I can't fathom how someone else can not see it as an impostion.  It is very true...I was guilty of that.  And yet I still think there is some degree to which people should hold themselves to a "reasonable person" standard.  If she herself acknowledged that it was an inconvenience the she can't possibly come back with "I didn't realize it was such an imposition because you didn't tell me."

Do people have to be hit over the head?  If you ask something of someone THINK about what that means for them...especially a long term favour like this.  I fully acknowledget that I should have been the one to say something a long time ago rather than let my resentment fester like it has....but the very nature of it has "imposition" written all over it.  The extra driving, the time, the inability to make extra stops, constantly having to consider someone else....

Errr.

First of all, well done! Those 'mixed feelings' will go away as the part of your brain that hates telling people 'no' starts to align with the part of your brain that won't let you be taken advantage of. Give yourself time, you did great!

I was the one that mentioned about not knowing how other people think. I like what you said about there being a reasonable standard, but unfortunately that's still pretty broad. I, like you, hate, hate, hate imposing on people. I'm so uncomfortable asking for favors that DH considers to be perfectly normal.

Sometimes, people really don't know they're imposing on you.

Buuuuuut, the litmus test was when you pulled the plug on the rides. Her subsequent behavior makes it clear that she was just taking advantage of you for some weird, bizarre, otherworldly marital dynamic that I can't even begin to comprehend. Guilt trip? Cold shoulder?

There should have been nothing but gratitude that you did this for years. Trust me when I say that saying, 'No' will start to get a LOT easier.

I really hope it gets easier because I was so nevous my armpits were sweating through!!!!

[SiotehCat]

How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.

That's a really messed-up marriage.

seriously, I can not imagine spending my life with someone who considered my every want - no matter how small- an inconvenience.

I bet he happily relies on her income.

That's pretty harsh and unfair. I don't really think that their marriage is anyones business. If she wants to leave him the car, thats between them. If she wants to bring home the bacon, thats between them.

I don't think anyone is obligated to give her a ride to work, so I do think that the OP did the right thing.

[buvezdevin]

Gen xer - congratulations, and yay, you!

You reasonably stated that you would no longer continue doing this woman a favor which inconveniences you, and replied in a fair and assertive manner to an attempt to guilt you.  It does generally get "easier" to do that, the same way that riding a bicycle or, of course, driving a car gets to be easier as it becomes familiar.

I hope you don't have occassion to practice further with this person, and i also hope that you felt some relief after the anxiety of preparing to deal directly with her this time.  Nicely done!

[Miss March]

This will so be worth it when you can get in your car and leave work, maybe flip on the radio and sing along, or listen to an audio book, or enjoy the silence, and spontaneously decide to zip over to a store..... whatever you want. Complete personal freedom!