Another playground question

[SleepyKitty]

To me, also, there's a big difference between a kid bringing one or two toys that stay in the child's hands/possession at all times, and between bringing a bunch of things and leaving them lying about with no apparent owner.  Kid brings two toy cars to the park to vroom through the sand, or a kid brings a favorite stuffed bear?  Fine.  Kid brings a whole set of army men and attempts to set them up all over the sandbox amongst the other kids playing there, then yells if they move one, or kid brings a bunch of Barbies and leaves them all around?  Not so fine.

Agreed, and the age of the kids makes a huge difference to me. A 2 or 3 year old who wants to bring a toy to the park is going to need constant supervision anyway, and I don't really see that it makes much difference. A 5 year old, well - at that age it depends. Some 5 year old need close supervision, others not so much.

One thing I forgot to ask about the OP that I'm curious about - how old was the older sister? Did it seem like OS was there to watch her brother, or were they sent out to play alone? Because another option would have been to appeal to her, if she seemed to be supervising her brother.

[shygirl]

The girl was not too much older, maybe 7-ish. 

Also, wanted to mention that my son does only bring 1 or 2 cars with him and when he's playing on the playground equipment, he just has 1 that he holds onto.  It does make it difficult to actually play, but that's what he wants apparently!

[O'Dell]

I think I would have said to the older child "I've already told you twice that you cannot have my DS's car.  It is time for you to go back to whomever brought you to the park.".  It is time for this child to learn that just because you ask for something, politely or otherwise, doesn't mean you get it.

That's the sort of thing I say to get rid of kids that I don't want to chat with (I don't have kids but sometimes bored neighborhood kids want to socialize with me). "Where's your mom? You should go see her!"

Heck, I would have asked the kid where his mom/dad was even if I were okay with chatting with him...just because I couldn't see him/her and I'd be concerned.

[Zilla]

My discalimer is that I have kids and have lots of hours watching kids in my background, and I agree entirely with SleepyKitty.  As long as you're not mean, you can (and often must) be direct in requests for younger kids.  "Please leave him alone today" isn't rude but it tells a child exactly what you'd like them to do, because kids under ten really don't pick up on subtlety very often or very well.  Stay positive and keep your statements limited to where your authority is (that is, don't tell other kids not to do something unless it's directly affecting you and don't try to tell them things like "you have to get off the swings" or such) and you'll have a lot better luck.  For your particular situation, "Please leave him alone to play with his car" would have been acceptable and probably more effective than trying to ignore him.

Virg

I agree and have used both statements.  And it's annoying as he is trying to enforce the "has to share" but he doesn't have to.  I hate that general rule.

[shygirl]

My discalimer is that I have kids and have lots of hours watching kids in my background, and I agree entirely with SleepyKitty.  As long as you're not mean, you can (and often must) be direct in requests for younger kids.  "Please leave him alone today" isn't rude but it tells a child exactly what you'd like them to do, because kids under ten really don't pick up on subtlety very often or very well.  Stay positive and keep your statements limited to where your authority is (that is, don't tell other kids not to do something unless it's directly affecting you and don't try to tell them things like "you have to get off the swings" or such) and you'll have a lot better luck.  For your particular situation, "Please leave him alone to play with his car" would have been acceptable and probably more effective than trying to ignore him.

Virg

I agree and have used both statements.  And it's annoying as he is trying to enforce the "has to share" but he doesn't have to.  I hate that general rule.

I don't like the "have to share" either, although that comes up more when we intentionally play with other kids on playdates and things like that.  I actually don't think he NEEDS to share, but it feels politically incorrect to say that out loud!  In the case of the toy car, I've started bringing a few when we go to a playdate and let the other child play with the extra one. 

I did actually have an extra at the playground that day, but I didn't want to just give my son's toys away.  It didn't really seem like if I let him have it, I was going to have any luck getting it back. 

[Zilla]

My siblings/playdate rules have always been, if you want to play with another person's toy, you have to share.  If you don't share, you can't play with it in front of them. 


But at the playground it's each to their own.  And that's really sweet of you to bring extras!

[SleepyKitty]

I don't like the "have to share" either, although that comes up more when we intentionally play with other kids on playdates and things like that.  I actually don't think he NEEDS to share, but it feels politically incorrect to say that out loud! 

When I was nannying, I always told the boy that he didn't need to share, and no one had the right to take his toys from him without permission. Sometimes when you share, your toys get broken or lost. However, I also followed that up by saying that it was, however, nice to share, and sharing his toys would make other kids want to play with him and be friends with him. If he didn't share, most kids wouldn't share with him, and he wouldn't have as many friends. In the end, it was his choice whether or not to share, but he needed to accept the consequences.

Of course, he was older than two when this policy was in place. 

[Rohanna]

We frequently bring a big bucket of sand toys to our local playground that has a huge sandbox.  My daughter HAS to share--that's the rule.  I do spend a lot of time sort of supervising the whole operation and I do pick up every sand toy and put them back in the bucket and then back in the car if my daughter wants to switch to the swings or other playground activities.

I figure supervising play (if not being active) is part of being a parent.  It actually sort of bugs me when a parent brings his/her kid to the playground and then sits and looks at his/her smartphone the whole time.  My kid, at least, wants to play with someone and, since we come alone, that is me.  (If the kid HAS come with a bunch of other kids, the parent can checkout a bit more, but not so much that the parent isn't aware of what is going on.)

On the other hand, there is a school of parenting (even Dr Sears talks about the importance of learning independance for an attachment parented child) that believes that you should let children play on their own more/with other children without stepping in all the time. I, too, often go to the playground with just my son (the baby is too little to play), but because I let him play by himself, he almost always has a new "friend" to play with within minutes. I step in when it's clear my child might be pestering someone or when it looks like their might be a "problem" (physical or verbal) between kids- otherwise yeh, I might text my husband or flip through the paper. It doesn't mean I'm not watching him/them, it just means I'm not hovering. Very small children (mostly under 2's) need constant supervision on play equipment- but children who are using play equipment for their age and skill level aren't being badly parented, and I'm not being rude, if they don't have an adult within arms reach at all times. When I was a kid (I'm in my early 30's) it would have been *horrifically* embarrassing to have your parent follow you around a playground after about age 4- playgrounds were for kid-safe, parent-free exploration and meeting ones peers to socialize and interact with!

[Zilla]

We frequently bring a big bucket of sand toys to our local playground that has a huge sandbox.  My daughter HAS to share--that's the rule.  I do spend a lot of time sort of supervising the whole operation and I do pick up every sand toy and put them back in the bucket and then back in the car if my daughter wants to switch to the swings or other playground activities.

I figure supervising play (if not being active) is part of being a parent.  It actually sort of bugs me when a parent brings his/her kid to the playground and then sits and looks at his/her smartphone the whole time.  My kid, at least, wants to play with someone and, since we come alone, that is me.  (If the kid HAS come with a bunch of other kids, the parent can checkout a bit more, but not so much that the parent isn't aware of what is going on.)

On the other hand, there is a school of parenting (even Dr Sears talks about the importance of learning independance for an attachment parented child) that believes that you should let children play on their own more/with other children without stepping in all the time. I, too, often go to the playground with just my son (the baby is too little to play), but because I let him play by himself, he almost always has a new "friend" to play with within minutes. I step in when it's clear my child might be pestering someone or when it looks like their might be a "problem" (physical or verbal) between kids- otherwise yeh, I might text my husband or flip through the paper. It doesn't mean I'm not watching him/them, it just means I'm not hovering. Very small children (mostly under 2's) need constant supervision on play equipment- but children who are using play equipment for their age and skill level aren't being badly parented, and I'm not being rude, if they don't have an adult within arms reach at all times. When I was a kid (I'm in my early 30's) it would have been *horrifically* embarrassing to have your parent follow you around a playground after about age 4- playgrounds were for kid-safe, parent-free exploration and meeting ones peers to socialize and interact with!

But if you are in view of them at least or on a bench at the playground. I have seen parents walk off leaving their kids there alone under the age of 7.  That is what the OP and others are talking about.  I am the same way and stay in view, I don't follow the kids up on the playground equipment or hover close by.  In fact, last week, I sat on a swing (no kids except mine were there) and my youngest was horrified. "Mommy what are you doing!  You are going to hurt yourself!'  LOL 

[Jones]

We frequently bring a big bucket of sand toys to our local playground that has a huge sandbox.  My daughter HAS to share--that's the rule.  I do spend a lot of time sort of supervising the whole operation and I do pick up every sand toy and put them back in the bucket and then back in the car if my daughter wants to switch to the swings or other playground activities.

I figure supervising play (if not being active) is part of being a parent.  It actually sort of bugs me when a parent brings his/her kid to the playground and then sits and looks at his/her smartphone the whole time.  My kid, at least, wants to play with someone and, since we come alone, that is me.  (If the kid HAS come with a bunch of other kids, the parent can checkout a bit more, but not so much that the parent isn't aware of what is going on.)

On the other hand, there is a school of parenting (even Dr Sears talks about the importance of learning independance for an attachment parented child) that believes that you should let children play on their own more/with other children without stepping in all the time. I, too, often go to the playground with just my son (the baby is too little to play), but because I let him play by himself, he almost always has a new "friend" to play with within minutes. I step in when it's clear my child might be pestering someone or when it looks like their might be a "problem" (physical or verbal) between kids- otherwise yeh, I might text my husband or flip through the paper. It doesn't mean I'm not watching him/them, it just means I'm not hovering. Very small children (mostly under 2's) need constant supervision on play equipment- but children who are using play equipment for their age and skill level aren't being badly parented, and I'm not being rude, if they don't have an adult within arms reach at all times. When I was a kid (I'm in my early 30's) it would have been *horrifically* embarrassing to have your parent follow you around a playground after about age 4- playgrounds were for kid-safe, parent-free exploration and meeting ones peers to socialize and interact with!

But if you are in view of them at least or on a bench at the playground. I have seen parents walk off leaving their kids there alone under the age of 7.  That is what the OP and others are talking about.  I am the same way and stay in view, I don't follow the kids up on the playground equipment or hover close by.  In fact, last week, I sat on a swing (no kids except mine were there) and my youngest was horrified. "Mommy what are you doing!  You are going to hurt yourself!'  LOL

This....what Zilla said.

For example, someone of my acquaintance left her then-4-year-old to play on the playground while she walked off with her friends. When she came back there was a crowd gathered as her son was screaming; an 8 year old, also unsupervised, had (possible trigger) forced him down and stomped on his arm and broken it.

All it would have taken was a parent on a bench, rather than all parents away from the playground, to come running and stop it. I don't know that anyone follows their kids' steps at the park after toddlerhood, but certainly even 8 or 10 year olds shouldn't be there without any parent watching them.

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

I thought I'd made a reply to this already.

You have to be very direct and explicit with kids. They don't take offense to it. In fact, it's all they understand. So just say, "You may not play with his car. You need to stop asking and stop trying to grab it." Kids respond well to that.

As for standing right there at the playground, I think most 8-year-olds are safe to play without close supervision, I mean my kid was running around the whole neighborhood with friends and no adult supervision younger than that. But you have to know your kid. If your kid has a violent streak, be right there, or better yet don't take them to the park. Take them for some counseling or something to help them work through it. My kids' whole world would change very quickly if they intentionally hurt someone like that.

[AngelBarchild]

Only the parent can decide how old a child needs to be to play with less/no supervision at the park. They are the ones that know their children. I let my daughter play at the park with out direct supervision (I was there) at six or seven at, and at ten let her walk to the library (three blocks) and the store (one block) by herself. I'm the parent and I get to decide when she's mature enough to do things.

I'm talking about normal parents, not terrible neglectful ones that let their two year old run out in the street.

[Zilla]

Only the parent can decide how old a child needs to be to play with less/no supervision at the park. They are the ones that know their children. I let my daughter play at the park with out direct supervision (I was there) at six or seven at, and at ten let her walk to the library (three blocks) and the store (one block) by herself. I'm the parent and I get to decide when she's mature enough to do things.

I'm talking about normal parents, not terrible neglectful ones that let their two year old run out in the street.

Of course the parent decides.  But if the child is acting up and causing trouble knowing it's parents aren't around, then I would suggest to that child to find it's parents.  Or try and locate the parent.  Children are very different creatures when their parents aren't around.  Granted not all children of course and I am not insinuating yours isn't.  When you said the parent decides, I do agree with you on that.

[shygirl]

Only the parent can decide how old a child needs to be to play with less/no supervision at the park. They are the ones that know their children. I let my daughter play at the park with out direct supervision (I was there) at six or seven at, and at ten let her walk to the library (three blocks) and the store (one block) by herself. I'm the parent and I get to decide when she's mature enough to do things.

I'm talking about normal parents, not terrible neglectful ones that let their two year old run out in the street.

I agree that only parents should decide if their kids can play at a park with little/no supervision.  So, are you suggesting that I shouldn't have told the boy who was bothering us to go ask his mom?

I kind of feel like if a 5 year old takes a toy out of a 2 year old's hands, then the 5 year old needs some more supervision.  But I don't hang out with kids a lot, except for my own, so I'm not sure if that's normal or not.  I see 2 year old's taking toys out of each other's hands all the time, and then the parents step up and explain that it's not nice to do that.