Author Topic: When the baby comes, family that is completely uninterested (update pg. 6)  (Read 22107 times)

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Isometric

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I agree with those who have said to let others spread the news. She requested no contact from you and your husband, you're respecting her wishes. If she tries to make herself the victim, you have the truth on your side.

I'm so sorry you have to go through their hurtful words and actions, how awful. I think you'll be better off without her/them.

Congratulations on the bub!!

sparksals

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I am also wondering why the MIL has done something so drastic to give the direct cut, especially when a baby is looming. 

I would grant their wish and have zero contact.  I wouldn't even notify them at all, even FIL of the birth.

Syrse

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Thanks again for all of your insights everyone.

as for my FIL: he is indeed the type to keep quiet to avoid fights at home. He generally doesn't really reach out to his kids for contact, but when we do see him, he's pleasant to be around. That didn't really change during the pregnancy, he never really called us up or anything, but then again he normally never does. We're thinking he doesn't know about the email she sent us, and I'm not exactly sure if he even realized our due date was around this time.

Just wanted to clarify that we have in fact been respecting her wish for no contact. The only time my DH has seen his mom since the 8 week mark, is when he called up his dad to ask if he could come pick up some old stuff, and his dad said 'sure, come on over', and she happened to be home as well. He can't very well go 'is mom home?' every time he calls, can he?

The original plan was for DH to call up his dad, not his mom, to notify him. After all, he never asked for a cut direct. But maybe a text message might be better, just to avoid potential drama after a long hormonal delivery?

Syrse ~~  This is probably rude to ask, but is there some particular reason that your husband's mother does not want either your husband or you (or your baby) in her life?  Was there a history there between your husband and her?  Are you maybe of a different religion, color, ethnicity, age group, socioeconomic background or whatever that makes you in her eyes "unacceptable" so she's shutting out not only you, but her son for making choice of which she did not approve?

I'm having such a hard time relating to a mother who isn't over the moon excited about her first grandchild!  I just (as a grandmother) cannot relate to that!   :-\

I've been trying to find that out for ten years now. In the beginning when we were just friends, she was pleasant and polite to me. Then we started dating, and she cooled off considerably. I tried to be nice, but everything backfired; if I was quiet at the dinner table, DH later got a mouthful about how unsocial I was. If I tried to make conversation the next time, I 'talked too much'. I would help with the dishes and put clean things away: 'why is she rummaging around our cabinets??' I ran upstairs to get my sweater that I forgot there: 'who does she think she is, going upstairs like she owns the house?' (we were at the 3 year mark at that point)
At one point, she told DH flat out I was no longer allowed in her house. We respected that wish, even though she never gave us a reason. DH tried to press, but the best he ever got out of her was 'you should be enjoying life, not wasting it in a long term relationship'.
He did have girlfriends that she did accept, so this was quite puzzling.

Eventually DH moved out and we moved in together, and surprisingly, things went better. Even up to the point where she would invite me over for dinner when he was out of the country for work. Scary, but we tried to make it work.
Then we went over to announce our engagement... and she slipped right back into cold. DH did press her this time for a reason, and this time he got a 'marriage isn't from this age anymore, why would you want to do something so stupid?'
Nevertheless, we invited her, she showed up, she danced at our wedding... and she seemed back on her way of warming up again. So we figured, hey, maybe this can work after all.
And then we went over for the pregnancy announcement, and got the cut direct.

Now I'm not saying she has to like me. I could manage cool polite with her if that was the way she would want to go. But the way she treats her own son just makes my blood boil at times.

The best I can come up with myself is that she was a teenage mom, who was 'forced' to marry because of DH's birth. (she wasn't, her parents told her at the time they would help her out whatever she chose to do)
I think she had a whole life planned out for him, where he could fool around without any responsibility, and he deviated from that path, and it upset her? But I suppose we'll never know for sure.

Thanks for the congratulations everyone  :) 8 more days! Or so they claim  ;)

sam

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Is there any chance that they have gone away at this time on purpose?  Could you mil be avoiding being around when baby is born?

I only ask because I thought maybe she has decided to go away so she doesn't have to deal with everyone's excitement when the baby is born. You know like a child will go sulk in his/her room.

Venus193

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Is there any chance that they have gone away at this time on purpose?  Could you mil be avoiding being around when baby is born?

I only ask because I thought maybe she has decided to go away so she doesn't have to deal with everyone's excitement when the baby is born. You know like a child will go sulk in his/her room.

This question also occurred to me because my mother did something similar.   She went to Europe to visit her mother and sisters just before my high school graduation.  She had not seen them in 17 years, but nobody was getting married, having a baby, or dying.  There was no good reason for her to not have gone two weeks earlier or later.  I have since concluded that she did this to avoid facing the fact that I was already educated beyond her level and would be the center of attention for a day or two.

As tempted as I am to play armchair shrink I won't.  I'm just providing this story as food for thought.

Last_Dance

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Syrse, in my language there's a saying that goes "Those who don't want me don't deserve me."

You have been extremely patient - much more than I would have been in your situation - but after 10 years of continously bouncing back and forth like this, I'd stop wasting time and feelings on you MIL. She doesn't deserve either from you.

If your FIL has his own cell phone or a personal e-mail, I'd consider dropping him a line, though I wouldn't go out of my way to inform him - and by the way, I definitely wouldn't call, international phone calls are expensive.
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.

Roodabega

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Syrse, your story hits close to home for me.  My biological mother gave me up for adoption to my grandparents.   She was still in my life when I was young, so I attempted to keep her involved. 

She missed my wedding (which she had months advance notice) because she had to work.   We sent her an announcement when we had our first child, but she never responded.  The only reason she saw the baby at all was because we lived in an area that is touristy, and she needed a favor.   We tried again with the next child, but no response and no contact.

So we took her lead and never notified her of the third one.  I expect she heard about it through the grapevine.  She also wasn't notified of graduations and my kids have no idea who she is. 

If I were in your shoes now, I wouldn't notify.  Just let the grapevine make your announcement for you.

Congratulations and good luck with your baby.

HermioneGranger

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I'm having such a hard time relating to a mother who isn't over the moon excited about her first grandchild!  I just (as a grandmother) cannot relate to that!   :-\

My husband's father wanted grandchildren.  Just not ours.  It's his loss. 

gramma dishes

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The best I can come up with myself is that she was a teenage mom, who was 'forced' to marry because of DH's birth. (she wasn't, her parents told her at the time they would help her out whatever she chose to do)
I think she had a whole life planned out for him ...


That could be it.  Maybe her feeling was that she made such a huge "sacrifice" to bring him into the world that she thought he would repay her by being the devoted son who would compensate her for all she 'gave up' by staying with her forever and taking care of her every whim.  Then YOU came along!!   ;D

Octavia

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Syrse, in my language there's a saying that goes "Those who don't want me don't deserve me."

You have been extremely patient - much more than I would have been in your situation - but after 10 years of continously bouncing back and forth like this, I'd stop wasting time and feelings on you MIL. She doesn't deserve either from you.
That's an awesome quote and perfect piece of advice! Reminds me of another quote that applies here:
"Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be." (Cynthia Paddleford)

I believe it's time for you to drop your end of the rope in this emotional tug-of-war. Stop letting your toxic MIL rent space in your head for free. And please consider seeking advice from a counselor, together with your husband. It's probably going to be difficult to break away from the roles you both have been playing for so long with MIL, and there is only so much help that your friends on the internet can provide.
"I never explain anything." ~Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins

bloo

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Is there any chance that they have gone away at this time on purpose?  Could you mil be avoiding being around when baby is born?

I only ask because I thought maybe she has decided to go away so she doesn't have to deal with everyone's excitement when the baby is born. You know like a child will go sulk in his/her room.

This question also occurred to me because my mother did something similar.   She went to Europe to visit her mother and sisters just before my high school graduation.  She had not seen them in 17 years, but nobody was getting married, having a baby, or dying.  There was no good reason for her to not have gone two weeks earlier or later.  I have since concluded that she did this to avoid facing the fact that I was already educated beyond her level and would be the center of attention for a day or two.

As tempted as I am to play armchair shrink I won't.  I'm just providing this story as food for thought.

This, these, so totally these thoughts!

YummyMummy66

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If family is uninterested, why would I go out of my way and bother to inform them of my good news?

Honestly, I would not share the news with them personally.  If they hear it from other people and want to come back at you about it, they would get a not so nice response in return.

StarFaerie

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I'd probably get DH to send a quick text message to FIL or just include him in a mass text sent out to all friends and family, as he hasn't cut you off and it's nice to let him know. Just something along the lines of " Baby (name) born (time) (date). (Weight) (Length). Syrse and baby are doing well." I wouldn't text or contact MIL in any way.

gramma dishes

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I don't understand why FIL is getting off so easily here!   >:(   I think he is just as much a part of this mess as MIL.  He knows you're expecting a baby very soon.  He knows he will be in Timbuktu when it arrives.  He has made no move to let you know he wishes to be told about the birth of HIS grandchild. 

I think if he wanted to know or cared at all, he would overstep his wife and let you know that.  He hasn't done so.  I'd take that as being that he's aware of her game and has made the CHOICE to go along with her plays.  In my opinion, so be it.  He gets no more consideration than MIL.

I would only make an exception to this if he honestly doesn't know that MIL sent that letter expressing her desire to have no further contact with you.  If he's sitting there thinking that YOU'VE abandoned him, that would make a difference.   But I'd find it hard to believe that he has no knowledge of her stated declaration on this matter.

greencat

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I don't understand why FIL is getting off so easily here!   >:(   I think he is just as much a part of this mess as MIL.  He knows you're expecting a baby very soon.  He knows he will be in Timbuktu when it arrives.  He has made no move to let you know he wishes to be told about the birth of HIS grandchild. 

I think if he wanted to know or cared at all, he would overstep his wife and let you know that.  He hasn't done so.  I'd take that as being that he's aware of her game and has made the CHOICE to go along with her plays.  In my opinion, so be it.  He gets no more consideration than MIL.

I would only make an exception to this if he honestly doesn't know that MIL sent that letter expressing her desire to have no further contact with you.  If he's sitting there thinking that YOU'VE abandoned him, that would make a difference.   But I'd find it hard to believe that he has no knowledge of her stated declaration on this matter.

I can believe it.  My mom hides things like that from my dad all the time.  My family is extraordinarily dysfunctional though...