When the baby comes, family that is completely uninterested (update pg. 6)

[Syrse]

Hey everyone,

I'll try to keep it short: me and DH are expecting our first (hooray!) I'm about 10 days away from my due date.

The relationship between us and DH's mom has always been rocky. Things seemed on the mend after he moved out, but dipped down after our wedding again. At 8 weeks pregnant, we went over there to share the good news. The day after that, we got a mail in DH's inbox from her. It basically stated that she had no interest in any further contact, she had her life and he had his, and if he wanted to meet up with his dad, she'd prefer if he did so when she was not at home.
So yes, he basically got a cut direct from his mom.
DH was prepared for some kind of reaction, but not to that extend. He's been dealing graciously with it in my opinion; he respects her wish and leaves her alone, and only tells the truth to people if they ask him 'so how's your mom dealing with all this?'. Which isn't badmouthing, he sticks to the simple truth and then changes the subject.

Anyway, we were planning to call his dad when the baby gets here, just a simple phone call to say the baby was born, and see how it went from there. We haven't seen his dad a lot since the pregnancy, and he never really asked anything about it, but DH thought he was maybe just trying to keep the family from fighting. And if his mom then suddenly decided to switch around, we'd work from there.
.. except last weekend, we learned that his parents have left for a trip out of the country, and they won't be back for three weeks. Which means they will not be around when the baby comes.
I'm not saying everybody should put their lives on hold for our baby, but... it was quite a shock to DH that they didn't even notify him of this. He had to hear this from his grandmother. That his dad wouldn't even drop him a line or something really hurt him.

We're trying not to let it get to us, but I've been wondering what to do about notifying them now?
Part of me wants to just not call them and let them find the birth announcement in their mail when they get back, but that's probably rude.
So should DH still call his dad after the birth? Maybe send him a text message? What's the etiquette on this?

If we don't say anything I just know she'll go on a wailing rampage along the lines of 'my own son didn't even call me when his baby was born!'. But if we do call, she'll probably be mad as well, because she gave us the cut direct.

And how do we explain this to his other grandmother? I'm afraid my hormones might get the better of me at one point, and next time someone asks me where his parents are, I might not be so nice.

[Steve]

I think you can just stick to your original plan of calling him when the baby is born and take it from there. Why should it matter where he is when he takes your call?

[LeveeWoman]

I send them a birth announcement at the most.

[Jones]

I was about to suggest what Levee Woman said...Make some sort of baby announcement and mail it to them.

If the ILs are planning on having nothing to do with any of you, this should be more than adequate to let them know they are biologically grandparents. If MIL tries to scream to everyone that you didn't bother to call her, well, that is her choice. If the mutual friends/family ask you about it, you are to be surprised, as they were out of the country and have asked you not to bother them.

[Outdoor Girl]

I, too, would just send the birth announcement for them to find when they get back from their trip.  What's the worst that could happen?  They get mad and don't talk to you.  Kind of like what you have right now.  Their loss.

[amylouky]

My first thought on reading the subject was, "Why would you?"

That didn't change after reading your post. How sad for DH that his mother (and his father, to a lesser extent) don't want to be involved with him. But, it is what it is. I'm not sure I'd even send a birth announcement, I don't think they deserve one. I'd tell DH's grandmother, and let her spread the word to his parents.. that's apparently their chosen method of communication.

If MIL wails about not being notified, and you hear about it, I think an innocent puzzled expression with, "We thought about calling, but she asked us never to contact her again.. not sure why she's upset that we're following her wishes?"

[heartmug]

I send them a birth announcement at the most.

I would too.  I agree that just  a quick phone call to let you know that they would be out of the country, or an email, would have been kind, so if that is how they chose to stay in touch, send them the birth announcement because truly you do not know exactly when they will be back in town.

[Outdoor Girl]

I'd tell DH's grandmother, and let her spread the word to his parents.. that's apparently their chosen method of communication.

I like this, too.  And then skip the birth announcement.

[poundcake]

I'd tell DH's grandmother, and let her spread the word to his parents.. that's apparently their chosen method of communication.

I like this, too.  And then skip the birth announcement.

Agreed. I suspect MIL would see a mailed announcement as pretentious. (Not that it actually is.) Really, why go through the effort for them?

[gramma dishes]

I do realize these are your husband's parents.  But I think if I had parents like that, I'd honestly prefer for them NOT to know that they had a grandchild.  What good would come of it?

As several other posters have mentioned, if MIL gnashes her teeth bemoaning the fact that you and your DH didn't notify them about the birth, just calmly explain that your MIL specifically told you not to -- that she had no interest in the baby at all.  So you are quite puzzled as to why she is complaining about not being told.   Then "Have you sampled this wonderful bean dip?  It's truly delish!"

If the new Grandparents have no interest in your baby, they would do it more psychological harm than good anyway.  Better perhaps that he/she never meets them and has to deal with their most unloving attitudes.

[NyaChan]

My first thought on reading the subject was, "Why would you?"

That didn't change after reading your post. How sad for DH that his mother (and his father, to a lesser extent) don't want to be involved with him. But, it is what it is. I'm not sure I'd even send a birth announcement, I don't think they deserve one. I'd tell DH's grandmother, and let her spread the word to his parents.. that's apparently their chosen method of communication.

If MIL wails about not being notified, and you hear about it, I think an innocent puzzled expression with, "We thought about calling, but she asked us never to contact her again.. not sure why she's upset that we're following her wishes?"

This is my reaction as well.  Why would you notify people who have clearly stated that they don't want to be?  MIL specifically stated that she does not want to be involved - her loss. 

[gingerzing]

Jumping on the bandwagon of letting DH's grandmother know.  She tells them or she doesn't.  Whatever.

I was first going to say send DH's dad a birth announcement (either snail mail or email) but since he didn't have the courtesy to let you guys know that they were going out of country for 3 weeks that gives you a pass.  Seriously, it isn't like they are taking a weekend trip a few hours away. Out of country requires planning. 

I would just stick with DH's grandmother and call it good.  She can decide if they need to be told.  (Personally, from what it sounds like, not so much.)

[LeveeWoman]

Whatever you choose to do, please print out a copy of her e-mail in case she does a 180 and denies cutting you off.

[Syrse]

Thanks everyone for the insight.

It somehow feels rude of us not to notify them though, if that makes sense? Just because they're rude doesn't mean we have to be...

But DH will probably text his sister, so it'll work its way up the grapevine that way.
I'd prefer to keep his grandmother (her own mom) out of this, as she has been taking this whole situation quite hard. And apparently DH's mom only came over to her place to ask her if she would be able to cook for DH's sister for the entire week, because they would be out of the country and unable to do it for her, and sis would be working long hours that week.
The things to keep in mind here is that grandmother got out of the hospital only two days prior after a two week visit, and has been placed on rest to give her back a chance to heal. On top of that DH's sister has been living on her own for years now with her boyfriend, so it's not like there's nobody around to cook for her in the first place. I just can't wrap my head around her at times.

I guess the thing I fear the most is us coming to a heated argument at one point: his other grandmother's big annual feast is coming up, and his parents always make an appearance. Are we supposed to just ignore them when we arrive? What if they suddenly pretend they're taking an interest and try to interact with baby?
I mean, there's going to be events where we're going to bump into each other eventually. What exactly is socially correct in those kinds of situations?

And I can already see his other grandmother (his dad's mother) showing up in the hospital, asking where her own son is, and have it ruin her day to find out how he's been behaving. But short of keeping silent or lying, I don't see how we can fix this.

[Sophia]

I would be honest with people.  Don't dramatize it, don't sugar-coat it, don't lie.  Your husbands parents do not care about the baby.  Period.  It will not be your fault if your husband's grandparents are upset.  Just be gracious and loving yourself. 

p.s.  It was weird reading your posts.  It was like instead of Having A Baby, the posts were really about something voluntary and ghastly like that you were offering your child as a human sacrifice.