Author Topic: When the baby comes, family that is completely uninterested (update pg. 6)  (Read 22583 times)

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jedikaiti

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You can't fix it. They made their own bed, they can lay in it.

Tell the folks who are interested - your DH's grandmothers, sibs, whoever. Give no further thought to those who aren't interested - they're not giving you any! If they don't want to hear about it through the grapevine, or if they're surprised to learn that they've got a grandkid at the next family gathering, well, tough - you're just respecting their wishes by not contacting them directly. They don't get to eat that cake and have it, too. And I POD the PPs who have suggested that keeping those two in your life at all is not likely to benefit your child in any way, and could be harmful - they sound like walking hazardous waste dumps, and your first priority now needs to be the health and well-being of your child. If they come back from their vacay and pitch a fit about not being the first to know, or finding out through the grapevine, then by all means feel free to give them a cut direct yourself.

Congrats, and best of luck with labor & delivery, and those first few sleep-deprived months. :-)
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gramma dishes

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...   And I can already see his other grandmother (his dad's mother) showing up in the hospital, asking where her own son is, and have it ruin her day to find out how he's been behaving. But short of keeping silent or lying, I don't see how we can fix this.

She doesn't know how her own son and daughter-in-law are behaving?

If you want her to come to the hospital, invite her.  If you'd rather she didn't, then let her know Baby has arrived and that you'll be home with the little one on [Wednesday] if she'd like to drop by and meet him/her anytime after that day.

Should she inquire as to whether her son and DIL have seen the baby yet, then you can respond by just reminding her that they are currently out of the country.  No further explanation required.

But if she pursues the subject, I'd simply calmly tell her the truth.  That her son and DIL have expressed their desire to have nothing to do with either your DH or their new grandchild.  You can't really keep something like that a secret forever.

As far as the regularly scheduled family feast?  Go and be civil, but pointedly keep your baby away from them.  I'm sure there will be MANY other people there who will be clamoring to get their hands on that precious baby.  Those who are disinterested can be safely ignored.  If other people notice?  Oh well.

Judah

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It somehow feels rude of us not to notify them though, if that makes sense? Just because they're rude doesn't mean we have to be...

So far, I haven't seen anyone being rude.  It's not rude of your DH's mother to want no contact and it's not rude for you to comply with her request.  It is most definitely a relationship ender (imo) to tell your son that you don't want to be apart of his life. So give her what she wants, don't make her be a part of your lives.  That's not rude; it's what she told you to do.
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Hunter-Gatherer

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Thanks everyone for the insight.

It somehow feels rude of us not to notify them though, if that makes sense? Just because they're rude doesn't mean we have to be...

By not telling them, you're not being rude, you're simply doing what she asked you to do.

But DH will probably text his sister, so it'll work its way up the grapevine that way.
I'd prefer to keep his grandmother (her own mom) out of this, as she has been taking this whole situation quite hard. And apparently DH's mom only came over to her place to ask her if she would be able to cook for DH's sister for the entire week, because they would be out of the country and unable to do it for her, and sis would be working long hours that week.
The things to keep in mind here is that grandmother got out of the hospital only two days prior after a two week visit, and has been placed on rest to give her back a chance to heal. On top of that DH's sister has been living on her own for years now with her boyfriend, so it's not like there's nobody around to cook for her in the first place. I just can't wrap my head around her at times.

Apparently she cares about her daughter, but not her son or mother. 


I guess the thing I fear the most is us coming to a heated argument at one point: his other grandmother's big annual feast is coming up, and his parents always make an appearance. Are we supposed to just ignore them when we arrive? What if they suddenly pretend they're taking an interest and try to interact with baby?
I mean, there's going to be events where we're going to bump into each other eventually. What exactly is socially correct in those kinds of situations?

Yes.  Just ignore them.  If they come up to you and you can manage coolly polite, that's fine too.
Honestly, I'd keep a copy of the message she sent with you at any occasion where she might show up, and if she tries to pretend an interest or interact with the baby, I'd remind her of it (using the copy to reinforce it if she tried to deny it).

And I can already see his other grandmother (his dad's mother) showing up in the hospital, asking where her own son is, and have it ruin her day to find out how he's been behaving. But short of keeping silent or lying, I don't see how we can fix this.

It's not your job to protect your parents from the consequences of their actions.  While I understand that you'll feel bad if his other grandmother is upset, remember that it's not you that's hurting her, it's them.

Zilla

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I would call like normal and leave a message and mail the birth announcement.  That way you did your "part".


If the grandmother ask at the hospital after the birth, doesn't she already know that he is out of the country since she was the one that told you they left?  Why would she ask?


ETA that I realized it might have been his mother's mother that told you.  But would his father also have told his mother that they left?


And at upcoming events, treat them like any seldom seen family members.  Because that's exactly what they are.  No need for dramatics or extreme behaviour. 
« Last Edit: September 26, 2012, 02:01:50 PM by Zilla »

bonyk

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Agree 100% with everything that Hunter-Gatherer said. 

Being polite doesn't mean you have to take poop from people with a smile on your face and ask for more. 

gramma dishes

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...    It's not your job to protect your parents from the consequences of their actions.  ...

Great sentence.  Simple, eloquent, concise and true!

Zilla

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...    It's not your job to protect your parents from the consequences of their actions.  ...

Great sentence.  Simple, eloquent, concise and true!

ETA:Disregard bottom portion, I didn't realized the mother had specifically asked for no contact.

While on paper it's true, but the OP is feeling otherwise.  I can understand the hope she carries for a change. I would simply call and leave a message saying, "I know you are out of the country but just letting you both know, baby came and both mother and baby are doing fine.  (give stats) Bye" and consider yourself done.
« Last Edit: September 26, 2012, 02:40:43 PM by Zilla »

cicero

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We're trying not to let it get to us, but I've been wondering what to do about notifying them now?
Part of me wants to just not call them and let them find the birth announcement in their mail when they get back, but that's probably rude.
So should DH still call his dad after the birth? Maybe send him a text message? What's the etiquette on this?

If we don't say anything I just know she'll go on a wailing rampage along the lines of 'my own son didn't even call me when his baby was born!'. But if we do call, she'll probably be mad as well, because she gave us the cut direct.

And how do we explain this to his other grandmother? I'm afraid my hormones might get the better of me at one point, and next time someone asks me where his parents are, I might not be so nice.
bed. made. lie

*they* are the ones who gave *you* the cut direct. or she is the one (and i'm assuming dad is going along to keep the peace?)

i wouldn't let them know. it's not rude. you're going along with *her* wishes. if your DH wants to call /text/email his dad, he can do that. but really, for whatever reason, they've pulled away from you.

and if someone asks? "Its a long story. hey, did you see how tall baby is? takes after my dad, i think"

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bonyk

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...    It's not your job to protect your parents from the consequences of their actions.  ...

Great sentence.  Simple, eloquent, concise and true!


While on paper it's true, but the OP is feeling otherwise.  I can understand the hope she carries for a change. I would simply call and leave a message saying, "I know you are out of the country but just letting you both know, baby came and both mother and baby are doing fine.  (give stats) Bye" and consider yourself done.

What if the mom sends a nasty email for violating her no-contact request?  That is going to make the OP and her DH feel much, much worse.  The MIL knew the baby was coming when she requested no contact; she must've known the baby was coming when they scheduled their trip.  Other family members will let her know that baby is here.  If MIL has a change of heart, she will call.

Judah

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...    It's not your job to protect your parents from the consequences of their actions.  ...

Great sentence.  Simple, eloquent, concise and true!


While on paper it's true, but the OP is feeling otherwise.  I can understand the hope she carries for a change. I would simply call and leave a message saying, "I know you are out of the country but just letting you both know, baby came and both mother and baby are doing fine.  (give stats) Bye" and consider yourself done.

Wouldn't this be rude?  The mother has asked for no contact. If I had given someone the cut direct and they kept trying to keep my in their life, I'd be pretty ticked.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!

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JeanFromBNA

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I agree with everything that Hunter-Gatherer wrote.  I also think that if it would make you feel better, it would not be rude to send his Dad a text or leave a message when baby is born.  Mother asked for no contact, not Dad. 

Zilla

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I completely skipped over the no contact line.  Wow!


I have to say I would only contact the father and leave him a message.  Others are right, it would be rude to continue to try and contact her.  I would also mail the announcement addressed only to the father.


And if anyone asks, I agree, simply tell them that the mother requested no contact.  And leave it at that.  And at family functions treat the mother as if you don't know her.  Greet the father with a casual wave but I wouldn't approach them.  Let him approach you if he wants to meet the baby.

SPuck

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I think you might want to change your thought process when it comes to the relationships with your life. Your friends are the people. Your family are either the people who you blessed to be born sharing a connection with, or the people you are saddled with until you are financially independent. If your not getting any back and forth in the relationship, there is no need to have it just because they are "faaamily."

gramma dishes

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Syrse ~~  This is probably rude to ask, but is there some particular reason that your husband's mother does not want either your husband or you (or your baby) in her life?  Was there a history there between your husband and her?  Are you maybe of a different religion, color, ethnicity, age group, socioeconomic background or whatever that makes you in her eyes "unacceptable" so she's shutting out not only you, but her son for making choice of which she did not approve?

I'm having such a hard time relating to a mother who isn't over the moon excited about her first grandchild!  I just (as a grandmother) cannot relate to that!   :-\