When the baby comes, family that is completely uninterested (update pg. 6)

[kudeebee]

DH should text his dad when baby is born.  Fil can then decide whether o tell mil or not..  Don't waste any more time worrying about what to do.  Instead focus on the new baby's arrival and surrounding yourself with people who love and care for you and are excited about the baby.

[Syrse]

OP here, with an update

Well, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl about a week ago 
DH ended up calling his dad. He seemed pleased, but the conversation was kind of short, and after that, his dad didn't call again to check how we were doing. DH had a bit of trouble with that.

We've been home from the hospital since thursday, and today, out of the blue, the doorbel rings. DH's parents!

Loose from the fact that they didn't call ahead to ask (suppose I was in the middle of feeding?), his mom pretended nothing ever happened. She did say congratulations, and they brought a gift, but then she basically went straight into 'she's dressed too warm, she needs a diaper change', etc. Sigh.

DH's mom also basically ignored me the entire time she was there, unless I addressed her directly. I somehow found it hilarious: so they're coming over to see a baby. Where exactly does she think that baby came from? 
DH's dad was very much taken with our little girl, and even held her. DH's mom couldn't even manage to sit down, she was obviously very uncomfortable.

I honestly don't know what to think of it all, or how to respond. DH always said that if she ever showed up and pretended nothing happened, he wouldn't let her in. But they completely surprised us. I can tell it upset him, and it took him quite a few hours to calm down. He's now sitting with our daughter watching TV, it seems to help.

So yeah... now what? Do we go, yet again, back to the 'lets pretend everything is fine' until the next time she cuts us off? Because honestly, I do NOT want to explain to a sad little girl why her grandmother suddenly does not want her to come over anymore. And my husband is coming to the end of his rope as well.

And then again, she's not my mom, so what exactly can I say about it? 

[Firecat]

I'm sorry, Syrse...this has to be tough to deal with on top of a new baby. I think the first thing you need to do is have a long talk with your DH. How does he feel about it?

But the most important thing is your daughter. She's the one who, right now, needs you to take care of her and represent her interests. Your DH may already have realized that, or he may not have, but it's something to consider and talk about.

You don't have to decide right this minute. It will be awhile before your daughter's really in a position to notice anything odd happening with her grandmother, and probably a bit longer before she begins asking questions about it. So it's not like you need to make a decision right this minute.

You can start discussing it and trying to figure out how you want to proceed, though. That might be difficult with all the new baby stuff, so give yourselves the time you need. And congratulations on the new little one!

[suzieQ]

No advice, just congrats on your new baby And hugs. Lots of hugs.

[LeveeWoman]

OP here, with an update

Well, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl about a week ago 
DH ended up calling his dad. He seemed pleased, but the conversation was kind of short, and after that, his dad didn't call again to check how we were doing. DH had a bit of trouble with that.

We've been home from the hospital since thursday, and today, out of the blue, the doorbel rings. DH's parents!

Loose from the fact that they didn't call ahead to ask (suppose I was in the middle of feeding?), his mom pretended nothing ever happened. She did say congratulations, and they brought a gift, but then she basically went straight into 'she's dressed too warm, she needs a diaper change', etc. Sigh.

DH's mom also basically ignored me the entire time she was there, unless I addressed her directly. I somehow found it hilarious: so they're coming over to see a baby. Where exactly does she think that baby came from? 
DH's dad was very much taken with our little girl, and even held her. DH's mom couldn't even manage to sit down, she was obviously very uncomfortable.

I honestly don't know what to think of it all, or how to respond. DH always said that if she ever showed up and pretended nothing happened, he wouldn't let her in. But they completely surprised us. I can tell it upset him, and it took him quite a few hours to calm down. He's now sitting with our daughter watching TV, it seems to help.

So yeah... now what? Do we go, yet again, back to the 'lets pretend everything is fine' until the next time she cuts us off? Because honestly, I do NOT want to explain to a sad little girl why her grandmother suddenly does not want her to come over anymore. And my husband is coming to the end of his rope as well.

And then again, she's not my mom, so what exactly can I say about it? 

Just who does she think she is?!

She's not your mother but, you are the mother of this baby. I'd do whatever I have to do to protect her from this mean nut.

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BABY GIRL!

[gramma dishes]

Well, first of all Congratulations on your new daughter!   

Just enjoy her.  Don't waste a single brain cell worrying about the baby's grandmother.  As Firecat says, this nonsense with your husband's mother isn't anything that will have any effect on your daughter for months or even years.  You have plenty of time to see how things unfold and how she intends to behave in the future -- and what you and your husband want to do about it. 

I'm glad that at least your husband's Dad seems to like his new granddaughter!  Grandpa's can be very special to little girls.  I hope he finds a way to be that for your little girl.

[JoW]

....his mom pretended nothing ever happened. She did say congratulations, and they brought a gift, but then she basically went straight into 'she's dressed too warm, she needs a diaper change', etc. ....DH's dad was very much taken with our little girl, and even held her. DH's mom couldn't even manage to sit down, she was obviously very uncomfortable. ......

Its obvious to me that the visit was driven, maybe even forced, by your DH's father.  Your DH's mother wants as little to do with the child as possible.  You can expect more, similar visits - Grandpa shows up to visit his little princess and drags his wife along.  Sorry, I have no hints on how to deal with her. 

Congratulations on the new baby. 

[taffywduck]

Congratulations!

I'm also guessing that Grampa put his foot down, maybe he just said he was off to see the new baby and your MIL decided to tag along figuring she'd convice him to turn around or something, but good for HIM for holding his grounds... now if only he can learn to call in advance next time!

If she keeps showing up with Grampa and ignoring you/being overly critical, I'd just ignore her right back and focus on the baby/DH/Grampa. She can ignore you all she wants, it should make it easier for you to ignore her right back when she starts with the diaper/dress comments.

If I were you, I'd try to talk to DH to see how he feels and what he might want to do next, but I'd emphasize the fact that his Dad clearly thinks enough of him to (somewhat) stand up to his mom, perhaps the arrival of your little girl will help your FIL be more assertive when it comes to his relationship with his son!

[cicero]

congratulations and enjoy your bundle of joy!

I think it's time for your DH to come to terms with who his parents are. your MIL is extremely dysfunctional - unless you comitted some major crime or social faux pas, she acted horribly to you for years. I honestly don't think it matters *why* she is doing this; the point is that she *is* doing this.

Over the course of 10 years she:
*forbade you to come to her home while you were dating her son.
*she constantly found fault with you and no problem talking to her son about it.
*she was extremely inappropriate when you announced your engagement - but then came to the wedding and danced.
*she was again inappropriate when you announced your pregnancy - and then she came to your house after you gave birth. and then she ignore you.

I can understand your DH - when things happen one at a time, it's hard to see the full picture. but the full picture (and i'm sure you have many more stories to tell) is not a pretty one. As sad as it may be, i think you and he both need to ignore her from now on - that seems to be what she wants. and your DH may benefit from therapy (I know it helped my son immensely to get over his birth father's behaivor).

[kherbert05]

I think this is the one time when it is ok to invite 1/2 of a social unit. Your DH needs to tell his Dad that he is welcome, but must call first. Mom is not welcome because she is rude to you and unhealthy for the baby.

[LeveeWoman]

I think this is the one time when it is ok to invite 1/2 of a social unit. Your DH needs to tell his Dad that he is welcome, but must call first. Mom is not welcome because she is rude to you and unhealthy for the baby.

Yep. This is one situation in which the rule should be broken.

[gramma dishes]

I think this is the one time when it is ok to invite 1/2 of a social unit. Your DH needs to tell his Dad that he is welcome, but must call first. Mom is not welcome because she is rude to you and unhealthy for the baby.

Yep. This is one situation in which the rule should be broken.

Not only that, but MIL herself stated very clearly that she wanted no further contact, so seeing Dad without her is merely being respectful of her wishes!  Right?   

[LeveeWoman]

I think this is the one time when it is ok to invite 1/2 of a social unit. Your DH needs to tell his Dad that he is welcome, but must call first. Mom is not welcome because she is rude to you and unhealthy for the baby.

Yep. This is one situation in which the rule should be broken.

Not only that, but MIL herself stated very clearly that she wanted no further contact, so seeing Dad without her is merely being respectful of her wishes!  Right?   

You got that right. Now, let's hope his dad has the gumption to do as he wishes.

[Browyn]

OP - how were you planning on getting in touch with your FIL to let him know about the baby before you knew that he would be out of the country? Were you going to call his cell phone? Call him at home? Text him? Email him?  Call him at work? Unless you were planning on knocking on his door at work, I'd suggest doing exactly that, only since he won't be there, just leave him a message.  If you were going to call him at home, then leave a message for your FIL, not your MIL - ie "Hi, Dad, this is OP's DH.  Just calling to let you know that the baby is here.  She/He is X pounds, and X inches.  Mom and baby are both doing well. Bye." 

You haven't cut off contact with your FIL.  Yes, he hurt you by not telling you that would be out of the country, but is he someone who normally shares?  I'm asking because it seems that whenever people post about about toxic mothers, the father is someone who is not approachable and quiet; someone who doesn't share and doesn't get involved.  If this is true now, then maybe that explains why he didn't get in touch with you.

I wish I could remember which book i read it in, but Dad's like that are described as the shadow parent.  Quiet, in the background, not toxic but not able to stand up to and stop the toxic parent's behavior.  They sacrifice their children for the sake of peace at home since they have to live with the toxic one.

[LeveeWoman]

OP - how were you planning on getting in touch with your FIL to let him know about the baby before you knew that he would be out of the country? Were you going to call his cell phone? Call him at home? Text him? Email him?  Call him at work? Unless you were planning on knocking on his door at work, I'd suggest doing exactly that, only since he won't be there, just leave him a message.  If you were going to call him at home, then leave a message for your FIL, not your MIL - ie "Hi, Dad, this is OP's DH.  Just calling to let you know that the baby is here.  She/He is X pounds, and X inches.  Mom and baby are both doing well. Bye." 

You haven't cut off contact with your FIL.  Yes, he hurt you by not telling you that would be out of the country, but is he someone who normally shares?  I'm asking because it seems that whenever people post about about toxic mothers, the father is someone who is not approachable and quiet; someone who doesn't share and doesn't get involved.  If this is true now, then maybe that explains why he didn't get in touch with you.

I wish I could remember which book i read it in, but Dad's like that are described as the shadow parent.  Quiet, in the background, not toxic but not able to stand up to and stop the toxic parent's behavior.  They sacrifice their children for the sake of peace at home since they have to live with the toxic one.

Sacrificing your own children in order to stay with a toxic partner IS toxic.